A Niente

A Niente

Status: Finished

Genre: Romance

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Romance

Summary

Cian's dream in chapter 3 of Dal Segno al Fine. What if Cian and Margo never found their way back to each other?

Summary

Cian's dream in chapter 3 of Dal Segno al Fine.
What if Cian and Margo never found their way back to each other?

Content

Submitted: September 26, 2017

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: September 26, 2017

A A A

A A A


A Niente

To nothing; indicating a diminuendo which fades completely away

Living in New York was unlike anything else I’d ever experienced.  It boggled my mind that I could be surrounded my other people, so close we touched, but was somehow so invisible.  People watching became a favorite past time.  I could spend hours in Central Park watching everyone going on about their day, completely unaware that they weren’t as invisible as they thought.

I had moved to New York when I was 22 to open the second of what would eventually became a chain of stores.  I had lived with two girls I grew up with, Margo and Jordyn.  Margo was my life, but we could never make the timing work.  After I realized we were finished I moved out.  I only saw them a couple times after that.  Once when my brother Xander came to town.  He and Jordyn were in a relationship and Xander wanted to see everyone.  Another time was to pick up a few items I had left at their apartment.  And the last time was just before Margo left New York for good.  She didn’t see me, but I watched her breeze down the street.  She took my heart with her.

Xander told me that Jordyn and Margo decided to leave the East Coast behind them and went to school in California.  Jordyn wanted an experience, Margo got a scholarship to Brooks Institute for photography.  Xander stayed at Michigan for his football scholarship.  I stayed in New York.

Randomly, one weekend, Xander called to inform me that him and Jordyn eloped.  I was oddly relieved that there wouldn’t be a wedding so I wouldn’t have to face Margo.

About two years after that, my Mhamó got sick.  I offered to move to Ireland to take care of her.  I was the only one without a family and the only one with a job that I didn’t have to actually be at all the time.  

That was when I met Deirdre.  She was fierce and vivacious and had the thick, curly red hair to match it.  And for some reason, she loved me.  I kept my sexual desires secret.  I didn’t want how perverse I was to get back to my family.  

Even after the years that had passed and the other woman in my bed, I longed for Margo.  That became painfully obvious to me one night with Deirdre.  I was lost in her and desperate for contact, but she wasn’t giving me what I wanted.  She moved over me slowly, purposefully teasing me.  I quickly flipped her onto her back, grabbing her wrists in one hand and holding them above her head.  I gripped her hip hard with my other hand.  She pushed me away, angrily.  “What the hell, Cian?”  I sat on the edge of my bed, ashamed of my desires.  Deirdre glared at me.  “Is that what you like?  Hurting people.”

I shook my head.  “No, it isn’t about pain.”

“Then what is it about,” she demanded before giving me the chance to explain.

I looked at the ceiling, trying to think of how to tell her what I needed.  “Control.”

“Control?  So you want to tell me what to do and I have to do it?”  She wrapped a blanket around her and stomped to my closet.  

“That’s definitely over simplifying it.”  

She turned on me, anger in her eyes.  “Well, it’s not happening.  You take me like this or not at all.  I won’t be ordered around.”

I grabbed her hand and pulled her to me.  I tried to explain in more detail exactly what I liked, but she wanted none of it.  She left that day and told me to call her if I wanted her.  Just her, the way she was.

The only woman I had ever dominated was Margo.  It had been a desire to control her from the beginning.  I figured my need to dominate was directly connected to her and swore to suppress those desires in favor of a real woman that wanted me.  We got married that year.

Mhamó’s health withered quickly and we buried her next to Daideó.  Ireland didn’t hold the same appeal to me once Mhamó was gone and my business was still in the States.  Deirdre agreed to move with me.  Our first son, Ardan was born within the year.  Our second son, Lugh, was born four years later.

I had worried that I would run into Margo from time to time, but I never did.  She traveled the world taking pictures for magazines.

My parents had a party for their 40th wedding anniversary.  I prepared to see Margo, I didn’t think she would miss that.  She grew up at my house.  I knew the minute she entered the reception hall, the air thickened with electricity.  

Ten years had been good to her.  Her body had formed more curves, her hair was shiny and reached her hips, her skin looked like she was still 20.  I couldn’t stop staring.  “Is that her,” Deirdre whispered in my ear.

I looked at her, confused.  “Is who what?”

She nodded toward Margo.  “Is that the girl that’s kept you from me?”

“Nothing keeps me from you.”  I kissed her cheek.  “I’m yours.”  Even as I said the words I knew they were a lie.  So did Deirdre.  I avoided Margo at all costs that night, but I felt her eyes lingering on me.

Every year, Deirdre would take the boys back to Ireland for a few weeks.  Sometimes I would go, sometimes I wouldn’t.  I couldn’t go that year because I needed to do some work on the stores.  

I didn’t know what to do with myself without Deirdre and the boys.  I felt like I was going crazy after just two days.  I was grateful my brother was having a barbecue at his house.  I noticed Margo the minute I walked in.  I went to Xander and pulled him into a bedroom for privacy.  “Why is Margo here?”

He shrugged.  “She’s moving back to Michigan.”  He tilted his head toward the detached apartment they had on their property.  “She’s staying here until she can find a place.”  I groaned and Xander looked apologetic.  “I thought it wouldn’t matter.  It’s been ten years.”  But it felt like a day.

I shook it off.  “Yeah, whatever.  Doesn’t matter.”  I walked away, debating on whether or not I should just leave.  Just as I decided to go home, I heard Margo’s tinkling laughter over the monotonous tones of everyone else.  Staying for a little while would be ok.  

A little while turned into a long while.  Even though I avoided interacting with Margo, I watched her most of the evening.  She laughed with Jordyn and Xander, took pictures of the kids playing, danced when she thought no one was watching.  She captivated me.  It was like watching my favorite movie.

I grabbed a beer and went to the front to sit by myself.  I felt suffocated by Margo’s presence.  I should’ve left.

About halfway through my beer, I heard the door open and close, and a soft gasp.  Of course it was Margo, why would God have mercy on me and let anyone else come outside?  “I, um, I’ll just go back.”

“You don’t have to.”  I berated myself.  Why couldn’t I just keep quiet?  Because you want to be near her. I chastised my inner voice.  “The porch is big enough for both of us.”  

She sat down on the complete other side of the porch.  I knew she was watching me.  “It’s so loud.  I needed some air.”  I nodded.  So did I.  We sipped on our beers, quietly.  It was as comfortable as it always was with her.  “So,” Margo broke the silence.  “Jordyn says Deirdre isn’t submissive.”

Ok, diving right into the awkward conversations.  Definitely a Margo move.  I raised my eyebrow.  “Nope.  Not that that’s anybody else’s business.”

She sighed.  “I didn’t understand why you settled.”

Settled?  I didn’t settle.  Ok, I had settled because Deirdre wasn’t Margo, not because she wasn’t submissive.  “You don’t even know Deirdre.”  

“I didn’t mean she wasn’t great.”  Margo’s voice got louder.  “I just meant that I didn’t understand how you could have a relationship with someone that wasn’t a submissive.  It confused me.”

I turned to her vaguely aware that people started coming into the front yard.  “I’m not a Dom.”  Her eyes got wide.

Xander came up and patted me on the back.  “So, if you guys want to really start arguing, can I suggest going somewhere else?”  He looked around us.  “You’re making people uncomfortable and most of the kids are trying to sleep.”

Margo huffed and stomped off.  I followed her, but I didn’t know why.  I could’ve just left it like that.  I could’ve left and gone home and continued on my lifelong mission to not care about Margo.  She left the door open to the apartment Xander and Jordyn were letting her stay in and I shut it when I came in.

She looked at me, her eyes wide and angry.  “You’re not a Dom?”  I shook my head.  She snorted, derisively.  “You can lie to your wife, to your family, to your friends.  Hell, you can lie to yourself.  But, don’t lie to me.  I know you.”

“You know nothing,” I said through gritted teeth.  The hurt was evident on her face and I felt remorseful immediately.  “It was just a phase when I was stupid and young.”

She hummed, disbelievingly.  “So, you got everything you wanted?”

Her words triggered my anger.  What the fuck was that supposed to mean?  “You think this is what I’ve always wanted?”  She shrugged and I glared at her.  “You’re fucking stupid.  I’m going.”  I turned to walk away and Margo plowed into me.  I caught myself from falling and turned to her, angrily.  “What the fuck, Margo?”

Her eyes were shiny with unshed tears.  “Don’t lie to me!”  I stared at her, blankly.  “I can see you need it.  I don’t want you hurting.”

I narrowed my eyes at her and laughed.  “So, now you care how I fucking feel?  That’s rich.”

“I’ve always cared!”  Her voice rang out in the small room, thick and shaky with emotion.

I stepped closer to her to make sure she got the point.  “Really?  When in the last 10 years did you care?  I waited for you to forgive me.  Even on my wedding day I prayed you’d show up.  Now I do what I need to because I,”  I didn’t know why.  I could tell Margo was shaking but she didn’t look angry anymore.  “I never had a choice.”  She blinked and nodded.  The anger left me and I took another step closer to her.  I could feel her ragged breaths on my cheek.  “I think I might kiss you.”

Margo’s lips parted.  “I think I’ll let you, but you’re married.”

“I can’t keep fighting.”  It had been ten years of fighting her pull on me, I didn’t have the strength to fight when she stood in front of me.  I pulled her to me.  The pain and anger and resentment from the previous ten years exploded in that kiss.  Margo whimpered into my mouth and clawed at my shirt.  I parted from her just long enough to take both our shirts off.  I was fueled by instinct and my never wavering need for Margo.  

I turned Margo onto her knees and she watched as I spanked her.  It was like muscle memory, every wicked desire flooded back to me.  When her ass was a nice shade of pink, I flipped her onto her back and pinned her hands above her head.  The first time wasn’t nice or slow.  It was taking and frenzied and passionate.  The second time was less hurried, I let myself enjoy her longer, taste all her new curves and all the old ones I’d forgotten about.  The third time I lazily moved inside her, relishing in the feel of her body giving into mine, building slow and falling hard.

We spent the next two days in that apartment, not leaving.  If we weren’t having sex, we were talking, catching up on all we missed, making plans for the future we wanted together.  When I finally found the will power to leave Margo, Xander was waiting for me.  “What are you doing?”

I shoved passed him.  “None of your business.”

“Are you seriously going down this path?”  He ran after me.  “What about Deirdre and the boys?”

I got in my car and rolled down the window.  “She can’t keep the boys from me, but if Margo will have me, I’m taking it.”  He groaned and I sped away before he could say anything else.  

I could hardly concentrate on any work, all I could think about was Margo.  Just before leaving work, I got a message from Margo.

M: When are you coming back to me?  I miss you.

C: lol, you aren't sick of me, yet?

M: No.  I need you again. 

M: It’s taking all my control not to touch myself.

C: Are you wet for me?

She sent an image of her swollen and drenched.  I practically ran to my car to get back to her.

C: Fuck, chuisle.  You make me so hard.

M: Hurry back to me or I’m starting without you.

C: You better not.  I’ll flog your ass.

M: Is that supposed to deter me?

I didn’t answer her.  Either way I was going to flog her when I got back there.

The time came for me to go home and get my things and get ready to face Deirdre.  I hadn’t left Margo since the first night together and it had been three weeks.  I wanted everything organized when Deirdre came back, so it could go as smoothly as possible and she was due home two days from then.

Margo came with me to help pack up my belongings.  The door to my home was open slightly when we pulled up.  Margo’s breathing picked up.  “Cian, let’s go.”  She tugged on my sleeve to keep me in the car.

I shook my head.  I needed to make sure everything was ok.  I held up my hand as a sign for her to stay in the car.

A horrible, familiar stench bombarded my senses when I stepped in the house.  My eyes watered and I gagged.  Panic too familiar welled up inside me.  Deirdre appeared around a corner.  I ran to her and gave her a hug that she didn’t return.  Just because I needed Margo, didn’t mean Deirdre wasn’t important to me.  “Why are you back so early?”

“We missed you.”  Her voice was cold and her eyes were blank.  “So I decided to cut our trip short.  It wasn’t the same without you.”

I pulled her into the living room.  “Where are the boys?  And what is that smell?  It doesn’t bother you?  Why didn’t you come find me?”

Deirdre shook her head.  “I don’t smell anything.”  I furrowed my brows.  “I found something interesting when I got home.”  She opened my laptop and a message window opened up.  Every message between Margo and me since Xander’s party lit up the screen.

My mouth fell open.  I knew what I did was wrong and I was going to leave Deirdre, but I never wanted her to find out, especially not that way.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t…I don’t know what to say.”  She glared at me with a clenched jaw.  “Let me go say hello to the boys and we can talk.”

I had almost forgotten about the revolting stench, but as I trudged up the stairs it got increasingly stronger.  I felt a heavy weight settle in my stomach as I pushed open the boys’ bedroom door.  

They could’ve been napping peacefully in their beds, curled up in their blankets.  I stepped closer and promptly threw up.  Their faces were blistered, their abdomens clearly swollen even under the blankets, their skin was an unnatural shade of green.  Anger unlike anything I’d ever felt coursed through my veins.  I turned on Deirdre.  “What?”  My brain couldn’t process what I saw.  “What happened?”

Deirdre just glared at me.  “I had to do it.”

I felt the urge to strangle her.  “You kill our sons because I did something stupid?  How does that make any fucking sense?”

She got in my face, the gun in her hand suddenly visible.  “I’d be damned before I raised a child that was capable of doing what you did.”

I shook with rage, a million possible ways to kill her playing in my mind like a movie.  “Cian?”  I turned towards the door.  Margo’s voice soothed the sorrow in my soul.  The fear on her face brought me back to reality.

I looked at Deirdre whose eyes were wide in disbelief.  “You brought your whore here?”  Deirdre trained her gun on me.  I thought of different possibilities to get out alive, but I saw none.  I had to keep Margo safe.  I turned back to Margo and mouthed, ‘run’.  “You should suffer the way you made me suffer.”  

I closed my eyes anticipating death.The gun shot rang out, bursting my eardrums and making them ring.  I registered that I wasn’t in pain and looked up at Deirdre.  The glare hadn’t left her face, but she wasn’t looking at me.

I turned my gaze to follow her line of vision and watched Margo’s body sink to the floor, blood trickling down her face.  I ran to her and caught her body before it actually touched the floor.  “What have you done,” I screamed at Deirdre.  “No, my Margo, don’t leave me.”

“This is your fault,” Deirdre whispered and the sharp blast of another gunshot rang out, the soft thud of her body hitting the floor followed.

I rocked Margo in my arms, begging God, any god, that would listen to make her come back.  Her once bright, beautiful blue eyes were cold and lifeless, blood spilling into them.  Her pink cheeks lost color almost immediately, her skin a sickly white.  I buried my face in her neck, taking in what I could of her scent.  

I screamed and cursed as her warm blood covered me.  I would suffer, for the rest of my life I would suffer.  I would carry the knowledge that my wife killed herself, our boys, and the love of my life because of my actions.  I would see Margo’s dead eyes every time I blinked and Ardan and Lugh’s broken down bodies every night in my nightmares.

I refused to let Margo go, she couldn’t be gone.

I bolted up in bed, cold sweat pouring down my face and dread prickling my spine.  The fragments of a nightmare lingered at the corners of my brain.  I couldn’t remember details, but the pain and fear were all too real.  I jumped out of bed and tripped over the sheets tangled around my feet.  Once, I got my balance, I hurried to Margo’s room.  I felt like I could breathe for the first time since I’d woken up when I saw her laying in bed, sheets twisted around her naked body.  

I quietly walked to her bed and knelt down next to her.  I brushed a wild curl away from her face and leaned in close so I could hear her breath.  I rested my head on her bed, panic beginning to ebb away.  “Cian?”  Margo reached for me and ran her fingers through my hair.  I kissed her wrist.  “What are you doing?”

“Sorry, chuisle.”  I kissed her wrist again.  “Go to sleep, I just had a bad dream.”

She cracked an eye to look at me and open her arms as an invite.  I couldn’t turn that down.  I rested my head on her chest and let her heartbeat bring me solace.


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