Lonely (Changed title) Part 2

Lonely (Changed title) Part 2

Status: Finished

Genre: Memoir

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Memoir

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Summary

Part 2 of the man fighting his own life story.

Tags

Summary

Part 2 of the man fighting his own life story.

Content

Submitted: May 22, 2012

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: May 22, 2012

A A A

A A A


13th December 2009

 

Last night was pretty amazing, I got an invite to come see my friends band record there first album. It was awesome I even got invited to sing a little in a bit of the song, it was a pretty good night out. I have been searching for a job for a while now, but its panning out to be so hard. I have to keep going to the library but I am only able to use the computer for an hour, I really need more time than that! I'm finding it so hard to survive on job-seekers, its just goes so fast and I have nothing to show for it! Everyday I try to stop smoking but the way I feel all the time, I just need them to stable me out. Deep down in my mind, I'm always thinking I should tell someone how I feel about myself and about my life at the moment, but I really don't want people laughing at me, or telling me stuff that I already know what to do its just doing it. I want to smile so bad, but I feel everything is on top of me and everyday I could be doing something to help me get a job.

I just wish I had someone to help me through everything.

The things that go through my mind are insane, I just cant keep up, its like I always lose the battle. Everything that has happen was a different side of me, I wish everyday it would go away.... it makes me push people away so I can be on my own... Which is really bad...

Man!!! I need a tea......

 

Tuesday 15th December 2009

Today may parents are supposed to be coming round to see me, but I’m not allowed to get my new phone until Friday, Grrrrr....

 

Star Sign = Sagittarius

Family think they know you better than you know yourself. But you've been acting out of character lately. Fire sign such as you have been going through a feeling of not belonging but that’s about to end. As events from Tuesday should prove, your back and not too soon.

 

Today has been one of those days in which I should have never woken up from sleep! June is coming round tomorrow which will be cool ( I think). I have this feeling today that I don’t want to see anyone, I just want to be on my own with the door locked. Its been 8 days now that I have had no food in the kitchen, I don’t know how much longer I can last being like this, its killing me, I feel so weak and finding it hard to do anything! I have been listening to this band a lot which cant mean anything thing good because its all sad music and kind of makes me feel a bit better in some weird way. At the moment I am keeping my fingers crossed that I get some money for my birthday, if not I am so screwed. Oh, shit... another Gray hair.... That’s so not a good sign.

Why I am I so not normal... I just need someone to talk to about this.... I don’t know about this, I might be reading to deep into this, but I think my friends girlfriend really hates me and doesn’t want to hang around me any-more. Its so painful when you feel like a 3rd wheel and went you think the other person just wants you to get the fuck out! I just need a friend who actually wants to see me and hang out all the time..... I don't want to keep chasing people that don’t even want to see me any more.

 

 

Thursday 17th December 2009

 

Today has actually been a really nice day, June came round with some food and fags which I am so happy about, I really miss her and hate everything I have done to her and wish I could change everything..... Then Chris came round and explain to me that he wanted me to design a album cover for his band, which I was really excited about. It meant so much to me because I was doing something which people would like to look at, so I had to make it very eye popping.

When I went round his house to use his internet I found out that Ellie was maybe going which I was really happy about, cause I haven’t seen her for ages and had a massive crush on her since I met her but I never told anyone apart from her, but I guess she just thought I was just a guy looking for sex. But I would give anything for me not to be alone any-more.

I guess deep down I feel like my father which I haven’t really met that much, I just want to fuck everything that moves, I really try not too..... I just cant handle being on my own, its too dangerous and feel to sad to be alone at the moment. All I have is my movies, but I will have to sell them, I need food....... I can keep asking people for money which I hate more than anything in the world, even asking my mum is killing me every-time...... Sometimes I understand if she just wants me to leave her alone and stop asking for money......

Half the things that run through my head are starting to scare me...... The questions that come are never good.

If I wasn’t here, no one would miss me.

If I wasn’t here, I wouldn’t have to ask anyone for money.

Would people ever care if I wasn’t here any-more?

Every-time I walk around town and standing at traffic lights, should I just throw myself out? Every-time I think that a person waits there as well and then I think its not fair on them watching me do that.... It would scar them for life, which I wouldn’t want for anyone.... I need to do it alone.... Private.....

I guess I should sleep now and give my brain a break...... Night xxx title

 


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