Making long term plans for two long distance lovers

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Adult Romance  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group

Our long-term long-distance love story

The beginning

I’m excessively organised, so my plans for the summer were set while in advance, however I never imagined that my long-planned trip was going to have an unexpected happy end that has changed my life.

Since I've lived abroad, I plan regular visits back home to visit family and friends, this time my trip was split in two stages for family reasons. Last day of the first part of my trip, I met with friends from my youth years and had a great evening catching up and remembering. Not easy to say, being married for over a decade, but I felt a spark with one of these friends.

I confess the spark wasn't entirely casual. In a previous meeting, a few years back, this guy had trigger my curiosity with an innocent confession, or perhaps a made-up catch phrase, he was in loved with me back in the days. No other contact than the odd facebook message since then, I barely knew more than his social profile shows. Married, two children, stable job, very sociable and runs as a hobby. In a way, a normal man managing his mid-life crisis in a positive way, so I thought.

Whether this guy was in a mid-life crisis for sure I don’t know, but what I know is that I’ve been dealing with one with a crisis at home for a while now. Not that I was trying to run away from this but one thing I was sure is, in order to deal with it, I needed to get out of the box myself. For a while, I was trying to make changes to my own life, focusing my energy on my children and job, increasing my individual social life and trying to exercise more.

Being in my positive phase, I went to my friends’ reunion with an open mind and keen to have a good time. I arrived on time and next to arrive was this guy, sociable as he is we connect immediately and was easy to start an innocent flirting, tasting each other drinks, a casual hand touch under the table, asking for a ride back home. Then back home, the spark starts to ignite with a kiss, not sure who started it but was corresponded. I would like to think it was him, as I wouldn’t normally act impulsively, but I’ve done so many things I wouldn’t normally do since then that I’m not so sure now.

Nevertheless, being this my last night before going back home, I let my guard down and kissed him, passionately. I’m still wondering why, I didn’t act like me and perhaps that was exactly the reason why. I definitely wasn’t looking for anything rather than a moment, I knew nothing could happen as I was leaving the next day.

Still we knew I was coming back in almost three weeks again, at least for few days, so we started to talk about a second meeting. A few messages over the next few days revealed that those kisses awakened a further desire for each other, then the flirting continued over texts and phone calls. In the meantime, we started to know each other better and feel more connected. The desire increased when the communication started to become dangerous, concealed from the partners and the rest of the world, building something for only the two of us.

On those early days, I can’t say what triggered his curiosity, for me it was simple, to be desired once more, feel loved, get attention at any time and being asked questions to know me better, share mundane and daily things with amusement and be spoiled with small details, go to bed and wake up with a message and have dedicated songs, for example. I corresponded in similar way and the confidence in the relationship grew naturally. To know I was having an adventure for the first time, something dangerous, prohibited and clandestine, grew my interest and desire.

The time we stayed apart seemed endless and every day the connection and the passion were increasing, making us to plan to the limit. It wasn’t going to be easy at all, I was going back to see my family with my children and husband, and yet we want to see each other all time possible. I can’t deny that there was a possibility that, when we meet, there was no connection and therefore I let the plans to grow to the point we want to see each other almost every day. I was surprised how quickly I learned and how easy was for me to make excuses, I was eager to lie and cheat on my whereabouts, something I never did ever before.

Coming back

When I came back, not everything happened as planned. The day I arrived, he planned to see me at the airport before his work day trip and I will pick him up on his return at night. Long story short, you can’t control airport times, between luggage being late in the morning and plane delayed at night, our reunion happened almost 24 hours after planned. Nevertheless, we had a whole great night, or the rest of it, for the two of us. Whether it was the desire for each other, the long-waiting to be together, a natural chemistry, or everything together, that night was a point of no return.

The days to follow were the most intense I had had in years, no sleeping and rushing with appointments back to back to see him. We had our own place to meet the first three days and nights, which we use as much as we could.

Then I had plans to be out of the city for a few days, I went to the beach with my entire family –even in-laws–, and yet he managed to go and see me for just one night. I admire his courage at facing my whole family when he picked me up to go for a dinner, because “he was around for work”. I know this wasn’t easy but I didn’t see other way to escape with him in a fair way. After this, it was really difficult to not fall in love for him.

Final days back to the city were maybe the best ones, we were sure about our love and passion, and were ready to level up the relationship to the next stage, even lifelong commitment. We didn’t have time to think about the implications, we had to act quickly before me leaving. We really wanted to feel as a “normal” couple sharing and planning for the future.

Planning the future

A normal couple is something that we will never be, not only each of us have families and responsibilities, which let us plan a life in a distant future only, however our main problem is the distance, in our case the long-distance. I mentioned I live abroad but didn’t say in a different continent with a 6 hour time difference, at more than 10K miles distance and at least 11 hour flight time.

If we want a lifelong commitment we need to jump the wall. First thing we needed is a plan, a long-term long-distance plan, would it be possible? Everything seemed possible after a romantic and passionate week, so why not to keep the dream further. Initial thoughts, How long? Family into the equation, the shortest could be 10 going to 15 years, which would be possible to reach with constant and regular meetups, another hit to the wall then. When to meet? Not easy, not cheap, not frequent but still would be lovely to dream the possibility if only.

I set off with a mutual promise to keep our new relationship alive somehow, however I still have holidays for another week while he stayed into his routine. Fair or not, I tried to keep the fire on, lots of messages, sharing moments and fitting daily sneaky calls when I managed to be alone. I tried to be with him in his meltdowns, while having my own utterly painful breakdowns which I needed to hide from my family.

Week two, back to normal

I’m very realistic and thought to find my way back to normal shouldn’t be difficult. I was sure I would be able to make time for all, my work, my family, my activities and commitments, and now my lover. We just need to find time to talk and new ways to connect. It sounded easy but you can’t keep telling a person how much love you profess or keep living from memories, to step up you really need to show yourself and to land the dreaming person into the real person, because this is the one you want to stay with at the end.

First step coming back to the routine, some research. Surely people have done this before and yes, you can find lots of things on the internet. Although some learnings are useful to start this journey, there are definitely no universal rules. It would be better to build our own experience from scratch, that is why I’m doing this story, to document the feelings and experiences in this adventure and share these with him or the world.

Setting some rules. Back to normal, we don’t have the luxury of time and we really need to respect the other. Our times are out of phase, when I wake up and go to work he goes to sleep, when I finish my work he is just starting, when I’m ready to go to bed he just finished work and go training. With very short time periods to share, we must coordinate our schedules, we can’t expect to text or call daily at any time for the next 15 years but we can agree when we call or not each other, something to look forward to as a highlight of the week perhaps. With just one week and new routine, there is only one meeting set in our weekly calendars, hoping to have flexibility for the oddly call or two, whether a one minute call or a one hour call. Even to agree the channel to call is important, not always connections are great so jumping between platforms will be a challenge until find the best option.

Music and more music. For me this worked from the beginning, a great way to connect and share, a great idea he surprised me with, putting our own playlist with music which has a meaning to our life together. Even if we are far, if we can’t coincide each other, we have something to share. I really hope we can keep this up.

Now, we need to build up on something, to share interests. We exercised, although in different ways. If we can find some middle point would be great. He does triathlons and runs marathons, I like gymnastics and fitness class, I also do cycling and swimming, not running though, I hate running but this is about commitment so I’ll try to start and even try to run a marathon (half) with him at some point.

Talking about marathons, he has very clear targets, so we decided to work towards them and use this to our favour. Marathons can be anywhere in the world, can we escape a few days in a year to meet?, even two days on our own every now and then will mean heaven for us. Our bets are on this and we have already some meetups planned, first one in under 5 months, whether we did a rushed decision or not, we have a date already to look forward to.

In 5 months! It sounds easy but that will be the challenge, to get to that date with the same desire as today. As I told him once, if we can last together for a year we will be lucky, to reach 5 years will be love, if we are together at the end will be destiny. We can’t control destiny but we can help it. It won’t be easy and it will be painful. The main ingredients we need are Love and Trust and then Hope to keep us going.

The “ex”

We are lovers, we are cheating but we don’t want to make any damage to our families. It is a difficult position to be in and I am learning how to manage it. On my side, it has been noticeable the change, how happy and different I look, and very distant sometimes. These has led to obvious suspicions from my husband and few claims. Yes, I’ve been caught having phone calls, being smiley with my excessive texting, self-centred and immerse in my dreams.

The relation with my husband wasn’t great at all but we are trying to raise a family and that is my main concern, a stable couple will rise happy children, so I need to concentrate my efforts in being a good partner in my marriage, not easy when there is no love anymore and less easy when a third person comes to the equation.

I feel bad cheating in my marriage, but the reason is weighting too much, or so I think. I don’t feel like a bad person, may be just a selfish person doing changes for a bright future. I’m still trying to understand what I’m doing and putting my feelings at peace, to learn how to manage this new relationship without shaking my family and to enjoy my new adventure.

May be not nice but I like he refers to my husband as “his ex-enemy”, because is not an enemy anymore, as he is sure of my love for him.

Week three and swift plans

After a weird weekend when no routine is in place and family schedules dominate the day, we had scarce texting and no calls. Not surprising, we ended up craving each other, therefore we quickly found an excuse to meet sooner, in less than a month now. Very risky, very dangerous and will be the first step towards a long-term way of life, to live our worldwide adventures.

A rushed plan for a really short meet up halfway, this could be what we need to settle our fears and anxiety and help us to keep waiting and building a future. It also could test my excuse to get away from home on a weekend, while it can be easy to pretend a work trip on weekdays, not sure a working weekend would be easy to justify.

I’m really worried I can’t stop thinking about him all day long, working never has been so difficult. I’m just looking to the right time to text and waiting for the odd time available when we can fit a quick call, honestly it is not normal for me.

Time for calls have been the oddest thing of all, while he goes to work, to the airport or loses his flight and stays for an overnight stop over, even when he is running or during early wake ups/late stays for a quick catch up. Conversations are so natural and it seems there is always something to talk about, the passion has settled a bit and serious and honest conversations are taking place, which I think is good and can help to maintain a long-term relationship in between the day to day and the anxiety.

End of week marks half way between last time we saw each other and next time to seeing us again, it is like going uphill and meet the summit, now we can go down hoping to get there as quick as possible.

Fears

I realise I’m giving everything here and putting too much at stake, but I decided that I’m willing to take risks. With risks comes fears though.

Worst fear of all, it’s my children stability, a mistake can blow-up my marriage and I know I’ve done a few ones, so I really need to focus. I need to find my usual self and think through all my actions, I’m playing with fire in this relationship and really need to plan damage control, just in case.

I’m afraid of my lack of control, this is something I always need to have and it is driving me nuts. Also, I need to work on my patience and tolerance, two big attributes I lack of, so better now to learn to deal with it than never. I don’t want to repeat errors from the past, this relationship is about two and we both need to agree on decisions, I need to put aside my role of manager and organiser.

A latent fear is to lose him to the time and distance, wondering how to keep alive the feelings and to trust that he feels the same. I’m not particularly romantic but this relation has really changed my feelings in many ways, I feel happily in loved, like a first innocent love mixed with an incontrollable desire, and at the same time I feel secure in a mature relationship. I may be trying to put all my dreams in a bucket, hence the fear to fail in the relationship is quite scary.

Positives

Besides the risks and efforts to maintain the relationship, there are some positives as well. Being in love always brings hopes and the obvious need to please the other, so using this in a positive way we have time to plan and work on ourselves for the next time we see each other. The hope to maintain the fire in the other is making us to change and improve.

For me, it is being a good incentive overall, I feel excited knowing someone cares about me, which makes me care about myself. I feel happy building our own world with dreams and hopes, sharing emotions and desires.

I’m doing things at my best as usual but doing it with joy, as I feel in-love, happy and positive. I’m pushing myself harder, at home I’m bringing my mind and soul for my children and even to my husband in a caring way, transferring my guilt to family commitment. I’m not only keeping my exercise routine but increasing the stamina; even if I’m exhausted, thinking of him and our moments makes me go the extra mile.

Me

I’m very reserved with my feelings and thoughts, so this writing exercise has been great to steam out my emotions and put a bit of clarity on what I’m doing. It’s been insightful to write down about this adventure and how is changing some parts of me. I’ve been thinking more about me, who I am, what I want and how highly I think of myself.

Who I am? That is always a difficult question to answer, if I need to describe myself in one word would be (very) pragmatic. I analyse and plan everything, I need to have control and decision over my life and I require stability. I’m very pleased with who I am and what I’ve achieved, as individual and professional. I’ve never had a conformist attitude, I’m very exigent to myself, always putting challenges and try my best. I’m not perfect though, I’m a bit stubborn and impatient, and while I can be perceived as aloof or cold in some situations, I’m perfectly capable to unveil my heart and emotions.

I reckon I haven’t thought about what I want for a while, for few years everything has been about what me and my family need, about stability. I can’t say that I was thinking about what I wanted before having an affair, but I suppose that the lack of passion in my marriage and the positive selfish attitude I’ve been having in the past months, made this easy to happen.

I’ve been wondering why him and why now. I had opportunities to cheat before but never thought about it, not even with him at first. I suppose there was a combination of factors, or destiny, which pushed me to this position. I didn’t think about him before and yet I let the friendly conversation become flirting, and the flirting to kissing. Could it be I thought nothing would happen after one day, or did I actually feel some connection, was that flirting rational or irrational, or both?

And then, here I am wondering what I’m doing and not regretting a single bit of it. Looking to build something in years to come and trying to achieve something likely impossible, starting a dangerous adventure with only hopes and dreams.

Him

I suppose this is something every man would like to hear, what his other half really think about him with a cold mind. If I can say in one word what I feel and see on him, it would be desire, in more than one way.

I’m physically attracted to him, which is the obvious reason everything started, I also like he is sociable and funny, has easy conversation and is athletic, self-confident at work and enjoys life. And then, we are really great in bed, he likes me, makes me happy and I feel secure with him.

What I admire the most from him are the sport challenges he set for himself, because it requires a lot of determination, strength and effort. I would love to support him and being with him to achieve his goals.

My feelings for him has been growing from day one and being separated has just increased my desire for him. I like who and how is he, love him for how he is with me and want him for the way we are together.

I wouldn’t change anything about him, except the fact he is not with me.

Emotional rollercoaster

Almost two months since first kiss, my emotions have become a rollercoaster filled with love, fears, desire, anxiety, hopes, sadness, happiness and so on. The sensations have been very intense, perceiving all these feelings in a physical way has been a new or forgotten experience to me. Feeling how my body heats when I received a text, or my chest pains when I’m anxious or get excited when we talk has been incredible.

To experience all these feelings is worth the experience, the danger, the prohibited of the relationship. I won’t regret having these combined emotions ever.

I'm crazy for him, I love him and I trust he loves me. I hate we are not together but I adore how the desire grows with every text and call.

It’s not easy to describe emotions, and more difficult to explain how a mix of emotions can affect us to the point that you either need to scream or cry to let everything out. Screaming is easier but, when this isn’t enough, crying seems the last resource. And this happened once while making love, I couldn’t contain my emotions anymore and cried. It was simple too much love, passion, desire and excitement, it wasn’t a sad cry, rather a happy escape, a sweet ending.

Bad emotions are also difficult to manage, and with a long-distance relationship, anxiety seems the main factor to control. Each time I don’t get a text when either I wake up, he wakes up or no answer to texts for more than a couple hours, I start having doubts, I imagined he is not more interested or he doesn’t want me anymore. And then I try to block my feelings and build a wall to avoid suffering. And then a text or call is enough to ease my soul, and then I am going down in the rollercoaster again.

The intensity of the emotions is worth the experience. I’m feeling happy and alive, full of desire to enjoy every aspect of my life. I have something to look forward, full of new emotions to share with someone I love, something dangerous and forbidden which makes this relation more exciting.

However, it is not always easy to manage the feelings in a positive and confident way. We need to put attention to the relation from both sides. We both need to care for if we really want this relationship to thrive and last.

Remembering the first days. Before reunion

I’ve rushed to give the overview of our love story, but looking back at our early messages before our reunion, I realise how superbly our love and affection has grown. We liked each other since the beginning and we easily find a way to keep the fire on even at the distance. In the early days, it helped that I was alone at home, no children or husband around, and maybe this was the reason we could cement our love, made easier to grow his confidence in me and the sense that I belonged to him. Few messages at the beginning became tons of texts across day and night, building a separate world only for us, calls didn’t happen until the second week, and then we talked at any time possible and the conversations became very scorching.

We were dying to meet and put at peace our desires. I was doing all possible to keep everything going, sleepless nights and frequent attention, voicemails and few photos, pushing my walls and ghosts to the limit, opening my mind and hearth like never before, I was very avid to know him better, to enjoy our time together whatever the output, I enjoyed being desired and he was doing a great job.

It wasn’t easy for me to be open at the beginning, we were starting to know each other and the only tangible thing was the attraction we felt at kissing. I never cheated before, neither had any other romantic involvement for almost 15 years, so I felt very naïve and afraid at the beginning, even feeling stupid and bland. However, his constant interest made me feel more comfortable.

I felt his love with every text and every call. It was absolutely what I needed at this time in my life, to give and receive love, someone to care for and looks after me, a new love, a passion, a new experience, an adventure. We were pushing our feelings to the limit, love, desire, passion, hope.

I reckon you desire more what you can’t have and that happened to us on those first days, we desired to be together, and we were firing up that desire using only the memory of few kisses in our first and last night to date. We built dreams in a perfect world for the two of us, only for the days we plan to meet at first, not thinking about the future, no promises or commitments, how could we? I don’t think we realised what will happen to us after seeing each other again.

My initial scepticism quickly disappeared with his constant attention and interest, I was experiencing the most romantic dream ever and was provoking lots of positive changes, I felt constantly happy and optimistic, I was glowing. I was on a mission to show the best of me, to expose my emotions, to reveal my desires. These were big steps for me, as I like to be always in control, always looking strong and independent, always self-confident. He found my sweet spot and I didn’t have plans to turn it down, I enjoyed being free and alive too much.

It is amazing how much we texted. I’ve been reading back all those innocent messages full of hope and love, it is incredible to see our love growth along 300 pages of facebook messages in just the first two weeks (oh yes! I downloaded it all). It is absolutely amazing to read back how we planned our reunion, from a single night only to every single day and night after. He even created a hashtag for me, showing off his love in real world with only me knowing about it, isn’t it that brave and daring. We had a real commitment since the beginning, a great deal of courage to face the danger and forbidden of the relationship and a lot of hope and confidence in our success.

Remembering the first days. The reunion

And then when we met, there wasn’t a single thing to take back, we achieve and surpass everything we dreamt. It was exceedingly intense and exciting. I never experienced so many feelings at once. I could sense happiness in every part of my body.

From first moment together, we have the most natural connection. We were perfect together in many ways, we enjoyed each other as two long-time lovers and were eager to chat like two new acquaintances. We enjoyed being a couple, hugging under the sheets after having sex, sleeping, waking up and even having showers together, but also holding hands and kissing tenderly. Every moment was a treasure.

I can’t describe the intensity and pleasure of having sex, every single time. I let myself to enjoy every moment and was satisfied as never before. I felt desired, free and alive.  We were in it together to the end without pause, experiencing our desire at every moment and every position, at unison from the more innocent kiss to the most exciting moment.

And even after these intense moments, we wanted to have time to know each other, we spend time just talking, walking or holding hands, having innocent dates just for lunch or dinner. We were falling deeply in-loved and soon we realised we want more, we want a relationship. What a crazy idea against all the odds, against distance and time, against our families and commitments, and still a lovely dream to have, a parallel world to build and many adventures to discover.

He showed a real interest in me, it wasn’t only sex, and that makes me fall in love with him. Even when he travelled just one night to see me on my family hols, his plan was to have dinner only -a romantic dinner in the beach- and take me back to my hotel, not even implying to stop at his hotel room. It was me who asked him to take me back for another night of passion, just after “checking-in” with my husband -who conveniently stayed in a different room with his mom-.

There was this other night, I was with some other friends at a bar, and he came to pick me up, waited at another table for me to finish and was cheeky enough to send me an “anonymous” drink before setting off to wait for me outside. It was the most hilarious and lovely situation to be in, getting drinks from a “stranger” in front of my friends.

Our last day together. At lunch time, we went to collect his package for a run he has on the weekend, I wanted to go as I needed to be with him doing what he enjoys the most, to experience part of his world. It was then when we start planning our future, to use the marathon running as excuse to meet somewhere around the world.

Later in the day, we met for an unforgettable night, we had a lovely dinner and I felt even more in-loved knowing we were committing for our future. Then, we had our last time together, lovely and nostalgic, we made love with our playlist so we can remember each other while listening when we are apart. The goodbye wasn’t sad or heart-breaking though. I suppose we were parting with the hope to be together again and the memories of our new love.

Over that short week, we tried to spend every day as many minutes as we possibly can, we were pushing time to the limit. I don’t know how we managed to do all we did without falling to our day commitments. We probably slept 3 hours each day and it was the desire to be together what kept us going. We were enjoying the excitement of having a dangerous relation. I was going over my own limits, lying and doing things I never imagined, just to be with him.

Finding a confident

Whether to put the relation in perspective or simply to steam out emotions with someone, he decided to share our relationship with a friend. For me, this was going to be more difficult as most of my close friends are also my husband’s friends.

However, I also needed to share it with someone, I was dying inside with excitement and doubts, so I decided to talk to my only brother, a person who I trust and love. We’ve being for each other so many times and he is not fond of my husband anyway. My only fear was to demerit the image he has of me though.

To talk to him was easier than expected, but sadly I didn’t have enough time to tell my whole love story. He didn’t judge me though, neither was surprised I cheated as he knows how my husband is and treats me, it is very noticeable where I am in in my marriage.

He gave me a very objective view, a man’s view which is even better. Not very good for my lover though but helpful enough to decide what to do going forward.

It was liberating to share my experience, to say it out loud without any fear. I must definitely find some other time to talk to him, I need to share what I feel with someone, there are far too many new and intense emotions I like to share.

On the other side, his confident is more sceptical and thinks of me in low regard. Of course, it is difficult to explain our love and have a good opinion of a complete stranger, however it is good to have a weight on the other side of the scale and be conscious that our love is touching lives.

Preparing for our first trip together

Time goes slow waiting to see him again, counting the days and hours seem endless. We are looking forward to it and preparing for the adventure. I love what he makes me do for him, and I’m so happy to try something new to please him, simple things that I didn’t do because I didn’t care before, a manicure, a full waxing, some make-up. I know it seems that I didn’t care too much about me but rather I had a different way of life, I feel secure of who I am and things like that were superficial to me. Also, nobody asked me before, so I like he cares about small details and I’m happy to try new things.

By the way, I really must love him, that full waxing was killer. I just hope is worth the pain.

Some of these small details could be difficult to justify to my husband if he realises though, but I’m definitely up to the risks in any way. I’m really enjoying where I am with my life and with my lover.

Second round, first trip

And then it happened, our first trip in our long-time adventure, travelling half around the world to see him for two nights, for only 38 hours together! A weekend of great expectations and big learnings.

I loved every hour, every minute and every second… I enjoyed every hug, every kiss and every time making love. I adored to slept together and woke up together with no other plans than enjoy each other. I was intensely happy holding hands and having face to face conversations. I learnt to appreciate his passion for running and was very grateful to share this with him. I even had a new perspective in our separation, having hope that we start this adventure together and we can keep it going.

This is most definitely a very intense relationship, if the past weeks without seeing each other were full of desire, our reunion was full of passion, all the feelings were to the top, from beginning to end I felt the intensity of my emotions.

I was immensely happy to see him and didn’t mind following his pace and plans as soon as I was with him. We didn’t mind demonstrating our love anytime everywhere, we irradiate happiness, we were the cutest couple –not my words but from random strangers–. Since meeting at the airport, we couldn’t stop hugging and kissing, the time we stayed apart instantly disappeared, it was like if we were together just a day before and be certain we can stay together forever.

We definitely had sex, or rather we made love, a lot. I honestly don’t recall having this level of intensity while having sex, I have the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever experienced. It is enormously exciting to make love until losing my breath, not been able to scream or end up crying with mixed emotions. I don’t think what we have is normal, it is amazing being able to feel multiple orgasms, one after the other without stopping, to climax until wet and to feel how he is coming with me, how we enjoy the experience together, how we connect to the end.

To be together again was a revelation, what we have in bed is actually real, we are really good together. What is more surprising is that it is not once, it is every single time, absolutely heaven every time, I don’t think we have had a single disappointment, we have reached climax far too many times. I think we are just perfect for each other, at least I feel he is my perfect match. It is not difficult for us to reach the top and it is amazing how long we can stay there. Whatever happen, I won’t be able to forget these moments, and this makes me love him more, desire him more, I’m crazy for him. Yet again, it is not only sex, it is love, I feel happy to be only with him, I feel protected, loved, desired, …I feel complete.

We learnt that the time is not enough, particularly when there is a marathon to run and he needs to keep energy and stamina. This was without doubt the most difficult part of being together and the greatest proof of love I could give him, to be with him the last night supressing my desires and knowing that we will have to wait for next time together while we were still together. The night before his run was quite weird, he entered in competition mode and I had to respect it, he stayed distant in body and mind, and so I only could be with him behind the wall trying to support him as I could. I stayed by his side, smiling while he sleeps and treasuring every moment and memory while I was still with him.

I really hope that he is in the same tune than me, I can’t stop having doubts and anxiety about the future, we didn’t see each other for six weeks and there wasn’t time to do all what we wanted. Now we must wait for more than three months to see each other again… in the exact same position, a short weekend with the same excuse of running a marathon, with few extra golden hours though.

On another note, I have an enlightening trip, the companions’ marathon experience, be with him to pick-up number, expo shopping, early wake up and ritual preparation, walk to start point, race cheering and meeting at finish line… I loved to be with him doing what he loves, to share his passion and admire his determination.

Now I have the craziest idea, I will run with him next time, in just over 3 months, only half marathon though. I’m doing it for me and, of course, to be closer to him. I don’t plan to interfere with his run though, but I want to experience something with him. It seems I have perfect time to prepare and lots of motivation.

Not everything was honey on top, something rather impossible to do is to separate our real life from our small world, I hate when we end up discussing our partners, and although is part of each of us, I really don’t enjoy having these conversations which add doubts to our future. I know it is difficult not to discuss our ghosts as we are affecting lives, our children’s lives, but I really want a future with him and don’t want anything to jeopardise our love, the fragility of a long-distance love.

And we have things left to do, you can’t do all in 38 hours! We need to plan and be open to experiences, maybe have sex in a public place, to film us in a video or two or to have some other adult experience perhaps. Is it really me saying this? All my taboos are falling and nobody is forcing me!... Also, I missed listening to our playlist while together, me reading him this story or going to dance which he loves and I haven’t done for years and miss so much… Many things for next time, many dreams and little time.

Until next time, it sounds so far and I’m missing him already. So many emotions start piling up again, love and despair, happiness and sadness, hope and anxiety. I can’t stop thinking about him again, if only I could be with him a lot more and a lot sooner, that is my dream and to be together at the end. I want to keep what we have, a life with him, we just need to be determined, keep going, keep trying and keep loving each other.

Week after the second round

Way too difficult to have him and loose him in a blink of an eye. In less than 24 hours after leaving him, I crossed an ocean, three cities and was already working away from home, which means no family and lots of time to think about my weekend with him. I have mixed feelings, a lot of desire, nostalgia, hope and sadness. Also, I was a bit upset trying to understand if his competition mood was really that or if he wasn’t in the mood for me anymore, and deep down I was hoping it was the first which turns out to be after a desperate call with him to clear my mind.

And then it was his turn to be away, as I’m back to the routine, he leaves for another competition weekend –this time as a crew for his brother though–, away to wide our time difference to 11 hours, to the other side of the world! No chances to have time for each other, and again I melted down and have the worst feelings, and again a call with him is enough to fill my hopes and confidence in our love.

And every time I fall and recover from my bad feelings, I’m even more convinced I want to keep fighting for our love. What I’m feeling is far too good and don’t want to miss a thing. I’m eager to rebuild our love every time it seems falling. Unfortunately, or fortunately, most of the time our texts and calls end up referring to our desires and sexual connection, which of course is great, but my love for him is more than that and I hope he knows it.

He asked me once, if he has my permission to love me, a question you must ask to the loved one as love shouldn’t be taken for granted. Of course, he has my permission and I would permit it as soon as he loves me like I do, as soon as we are always true to each other.

I’m happy where I am with him, I have my joyful memories and my safe corner, another world where everything is possible and all dreams are true, an unspoiled world for only us. We have what we can possibly have and I’m sure we’ll settle our love and conquer our future together.


Submitted: October 17, 2018

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Comments

DampKitten

I may come back and say more later, but when I read your second post, I hadn't read this one yet. I see my suspicion that your lover was married with a family turned out to be true. I can't believe he picked you up for a date at the beach when you were with your family and in laws! OMG. I know you put that off as 'just a friend' but you have to realize that raised some significant eyebrows.

Anyway, this is an incredible narrative - documentary. I feel like it should be entries in a diary

Sat, August 29th, 2020 9:12pm

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