Please critique

Miscellaneous by: Sirknotted

Reads: 1209 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 3

I wrote two paragraphs from two different short story ideas. I would like everyone to comment on what you think.
Tell me which is your favorite and why.
I will continue to post more.

Abruptly turned around to see her in the loosely flowing red silk dress reflectively shining under the low lit chandelier. The red seem to glow from the aura of lust she was exuding.

Unexpectedly caught like a deer in the headlight by the handsome six foot tall rugged looking squared jaw gentleman standing at the other end of the bar, drinking a beer minding his own business. Until a couple of long moments he couldn't no longer pretend he didn't notice her. He turns around looking straight back at her. Trying not to chuckle at her drop-jawed look she gave. She quickly caught herself but it was definitely too late. Feeling embarrassed how should must've looked to the Adonis. A quick step to the bar to hide herself behind a customer who then steps back to allow her to be seen.

Submitted: January 13, 2015

Other erotica lust erotic critique comment silk dress aroused

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Authordrw

Honestly? Hope you don't take this the wrong way....only trying to help, honest.
Both have potential, but both are grammatically poor. For instance, the first one, you can't start it with "abruptly' without attaching that action to someone or something. Who abruptly turned? The second sentence you should say 'seemed' not 'seem'. Take care with your writing or you lose the reader before they have absorbed the story. The second paragraph is worse, it's all over the place. Again you have started a sentence with an action not attached to a person. The second sentence makes no sense at all. Poor grammar and construction makes people have to think about what you mean, which makes reading difficult, which makes people stop reading. As a preference I liked the first one. Sorry, hope you don't think this harsh, really I'm only trying to help and tell you how I found it to read.

Tue, January 13th, 2015 11:48am

Author
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That's what I wanted. Thank you very very much. It does help me a lot.

Tue, January 13th, 2015 7:38am

SweetDreamer92

I'm not really sure when I read them it seems like they could be merged into one. I think you should either write one full chapter for both to give us a better look at what you're going for or just trust your instinct and go with what you like more. They sound good because their little "blurbles" that make me wonder what their connected to. Just remember either way to just start with your head held high, I have been unsure about ideas and stories that do well still sometimes get negative comments, don't worry about a thing just have fun with it. I think you did well just because you have captured my interest with the bits you have here. good luck.

Tue, January 13th, 2015 3:41pm

Author
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Thank you very much. I appreciate the comments. I do like to improve on the grammar and writing style therefore improved readership and experience.
I'm more of a visual person myself which explains my weakness in writing but I want to share ideas in my head that want to get out.
Once again thank you.

Tue, January 13th, 2015 9:03am

SweetDreamer92

this will sound weird but don't worry about grammar and typing errors too much when you post. Take your time when writing edit as you see fit and once in a while go back and check for errors that way you can see with your own eyes where your weak points are.This is important for improvement.

Tue, January 13th, 2015 6:24pm

Author
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Thanks

Tue, January 13th, 2015 1:55pm