A Farmers Life

A Farmers Life

BY: Shelton

Just another hard, hot day out on the farm working the fields getting ready for the big annual crop harvest. The market for grain is booming right now its a perfect time to sell. Just like it has been the last three years. After it started getting dark I went into the house.

“We have been doing very good” my wife Ashley says to me. 

“Yes!  Indeed we have”. “Lets hope it stays this way.” as I conclude the conversation.

I had a pretty good sleep got up early and went out and did more chores and finished the harvesting. We sold it the next day for a very good profit! The rest of the year wasn't appealing though it was a very rough winter, it snowed a lot and all the prices for everything started to rise. And it didn't get any better from there, as a matter of fact it got worse way worse.

Buying the seeds for this year was very expensive and not worth it since we had a huge drought and it barley grew. We also lost 12 of our 25 cows from the drought it was horrible it never rained and it was very hot outside all the time even at night.

“We are going broke I say to Ashley.”  She just looks at me doesn't even say anything back, just the blank stare.

Nothing was the same after that we always got into fights and arguments, basically every night one of us slept in a different room. It was a horrible stressful year the farm and ranch was going down hill extremely fast as we could not afford to keep replacing everything that got killed from the drought and then the prices just sky rocketed.

Every night I stay up praying asking why is this happening what did I ever do wrong I worked hard my whole life never committed any crimes or killed anyone, what did I do wrong!?

Then one day when I thought it couldn't get any worse it did. Ashley and I were in another argument and out of no where she says “Thats it I'm done with your shit you are making yourself a wreck trying to keep this broken farm alive. I can't be around you anymore your making me crazy. Your outside working all day everyday you rarely come in to eat, you never talk to me and when you do it ends in an argument. I cant handle this I'm leaving I packed my stuff earlier and my train leaves in 30 minutes.” “goodbye”

I didn't know what to say or do, because I knew she was right and thats the saddest part I knew what I was doing to her but I just kept thinking if I work harder and get the farm back on track this will all go away. I should have known she would have left before I fixed the farm, who would want to be married to a a broke farmer when all he does is kill himself working and fighting his wife. So I stood there and let her leave, I figured it was whats best. Then later that night when it actually sunk in that shes not coming back I started going crazy, thinking about killing myself like how I killed the inside of my wife. I couldn't actually bring myself to doing it though. I just thought if I slept it off that I would be fine.

The next day was horrible it was way hotter than usual and every minute I thought to myself of how I wrecked mine and my wife or ex wifes life. Then I decided I'm going to do it. I walked calmly into the house thinking of all the good things I had in my life and what I have now nothing came to mind another reassuring fact to help me do it easier. I go to my room which is a huge mess seeings how I have no hygiene,respect or care about myself and into the closet I get my gun and I load it I aim it at my heart I close my eyes and I just stand there for a little while wondering what it will be like if its really worth it and I come to a conclusion that I am going to do it or sure. Without even knowing whats happening I pull the trigger, the last thing I hear is the gun go off then...... Nothing but excruciating pain comes to me. When I closed my eyes my hand must have moved because the bullet grazed my rib cage. I was bleeding yes but it was not a lethal shot I quickly opened a drawer and grabbed a shirt, put it to the injury and tied it with some rope so it wouldn't move.

A couple weeks later when I regained most of my health and strength I thought about trying it again, then I started thinking deeper into I thought about all the good stuff I had I thought about what would happen and what would be the point of killing myself that doesn't take the problems away there still there emotionally. And hearing myself say that made me stop and think for a long time. There are always going to be problems in life killing yourself or turning and running from them doesn't solve anything you will still have to one day face them, and the sooner you do the sooner you can become a great human being.

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