lies are promises you couldn't keep.

Storywriterx

I promise I won't tell,
if you let me dip my pen in your ink well.
I want you to feel,
it when it's as hard as steel.
Spreading you wide,
when it goes inside.
Will your ink flow,
if we do it real slow.
Will you pout,
when we are done, and I pull it out.
if I pull it out.
XoxoX SWx

DampKitten

You better look out for Story...I think he's got a Viagra pump implant

I'm loving this poetry kick of yours, by the way. Hey, you found your poetry format! The premise of the piece is wonderful. You're using repetition as a poetic element, and I particularly love that line. The imagery is great.

You're so gifted in prose, I wonder if you were to read some free verse pieces and play your poetry in that direction how you'd like it. Do you know what I'm talking about?

With this piece, I could see an extra space before repeating "Lies are promises you couldn't keep" just to create a second stanza for emphasis. As such, I'd like to see you work on these last four lines a little. I see what you are saying, but it feels a bit forced for the sake of rhyme.

Have you ever heard of the term "enjambment"? It's the poetic technique of extending one line to the next, but ending the previous line at a point where pause is emphasized, yet the sentence is not finished. Your line "Secrets you cannot sweep" is a perfect setup for that technique. Don't feel restricted to end sentences at the end of each line. Look up enjambment and check out the examples provided. It's a lovely technique.


Lies are promises you couldn't keep,
secrets you cannot sweep
away. Your truth is playing
hide and seek. My heart is
crumbled clay.

I'm not recommending this stanza - just using it to show you enjambment and the technique of internal rhyme. You can punctuate lines internally to create pause just as you use the end of a line to do the same.

DampKitten

The 'rule' is...
there are no rules

benawriter

Again, it seems like someone here has been wronged, abandoned. I liked the phrase "empty eyes behind the stare."