lies are promises you couldn't keep.

Reads: 114  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 4

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Adult Romance  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group


Lies are promises you couldn't keep,

Spilling out into a heap.

Damage done, beyond repair.

Empty eyes behind the stare.

Fresh and sharp,

Lonely scarp.

Jagged rock,

Heavy knock.

Lies are promises you couldn't keep.

Secrets that you cannot sweep.

Forever left, imprinted in.

Tattooed for all on my skin.


Submitted: October 16, 2020

© Copyright 2021 Sarah C. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:

Comments

Storywriterx

I promise I won't tell,
if you let me dip my pen in your ink well.
I want you to feel,
it when it's as hard as steel.
Spreading you wide,
when it goes inside.
Will your ink flow,
if we do it real slow.
Will you pout,
when we are done, and I pull it out.
if I pull it out.
XoxoX SWx

Sat, October 17th, 2020 3:11am

Author
Reply

Love this! Very enjoyable read. Xx

Sat, October 17th, 2020 10:15am

DampKitten

You better look out for Story...I think he's got a Viagra pump implant

I'm loving this poetry kick of yours, by the way. Hey, you found your poetry format! The premise of the piece is wonderful. You're using repetition as a poetic element, and I particularly love that line. The imagery is great.

You're so gifted in prose, I wonder if you were to read some free verse pieces and play your poetry in that direction how you'd like it. Do you know what I'm talking about?

With this piece, I could see an extra space before repeating "Lies are promises you couldn't keep" just to create a second stanza for emphasis. As such, I'd like to see you work on these last four lines a little. I see what you are saying, but it feels a bit forced for the sake of rhyme.

Have you ever heard of the term "enjambment"? It's the poetic technique of extending one line to the next, but ending the previous line at a point where pause is emphasized, yet the sentence is not finished. Your line "Secrets you cannot sweep" is a perfect setup for that technique. Don't feel restricted to end sentences at the end of each line. Look up enjambment and check out the examples provided. It's a lovely technique.


Lies are promises you couldn't keep,
secrets you cannot sweep
away. Your truth is playing
hide and seek. My heart is
crumbled clay.

I'm not recommending this stanza - just using it to show you enjambment and the technique of internal rhyme. You can punctuate lines internally to create pause just as you use the end of a line to do the same.

Sat, October 17th, 2020 6:17pm

Author
Reply

Hey,

I know nothing about the rules or techniques of poetry. I'd definitely like to learn more, I find it a quick way to write a feeling or thought.

Thanks for the comment, everything helps with improving. Xx

Mon, October 19th, 2020 2:52pm

DampKitten

The 'rule' is...
there are no rules

Tue, October 20th, 2020 1:38am

Author
Reply

Ooh, I like that!

Mon, October 19th, 2020 11:27pm

benawriter

Again, it seems like someone here has been wronged, abandoned. I liked the phrase "empty eyes behind the stare."

Sun, April 11th, 2021 4:52pm

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