If Hannah Moved To Canada: A True Story in 81 Parts!

If Hannah Moved To Canada: A True Story in 81 Parts! If Hannah Moved To Canada: A True Story in 81 Parts!

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Summary

Anyone who ever watches the kinds of programs featured on the late night Adult Swim network might be able to understand the kind of humor featured here. I feel like it's the sort of thing that's clever half the time and just plain stupid the other half. It's understandable if this is not your kind of humor, but if it is, then check it out!

Summary

Anyone who ever watches the kinds of programs featured on the late night Adult Swim network might be able to understand the kind of humor featured here. I feel like it's the sort of thing that's clever half the time and just plain stupid the other half. It's understandable if this is not your kind of humor, but if it is, then check it out!

Content

Submitted: February 27, 2014

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Content

Submitted: February 27, 2014

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If Hannah Moved to Canada: A True Story in 81 Parts!

-Sam Bartos

 

SECTION ONE

1. Hannah is in the sixth grade.

2. Hannah’s dad gets a career in real estate, so they have to move.

3. Hannah says goodbye to all her friends and moves to Canada.

4. In Canada, a criminal breaks into Hannah's new home, and steals everything.

5. Hannah’s dad, Barry, files a police report.

6. The police say it was them who robbed the house.

7. They threaten to rob the house again, unless Barry uses his real estate powers to get the police force a new house.

8. Barry breaks into the police station and steals evidence.

9. Barry tells the police they can have their evidence back only if they give him back the stuff they stole.

10. The police kidnap Hannah and tell Barry it’s either a new police house or his daughter’s life.

11. Barry calls his brother in law, Vincent, a federal agent who works for the FBI and he asks for help.

12. Vincent enters the Canada police station and tells the police he’s a fed from the United States. They shoot him.

13. Officer McKay, one of Hannah’s kidnappers asks if Hannah will marry him, because he is in love with Hannah. He’s fifty-two.

14. While waiting for Vincient to get back, Barry notices the address/contact book that his friend had left at Barry’s house. In it, he finds the private line of the president of the United States.

15. In police custody, Hannah accepts Officer McKay’s request.

16. President Obama, who recently spoke to Barry, comes by the police station in Canada. He asks for Hannah, but they refuse and shoot him and all his secret service men.

17. While under the police station, Hannah, still a hostage, tells Officer McKay she’ll only marry him if they elope and leave now. He agrees and they leave.

18. Barry continues to pace back and forth in his empty house, waiting for something to happen.

19. President RedPlant, the president of Canada comes by the police station and asks if his house is ready yet. The police say Barry, the real estate agent, won’t do it, so they have his daughter Hannah as leverage.

20. The president discovers Hannah and Officer McKay are each gone. He calls Barry and says he still has his daughter. Barry asks if he can speak with Hannah, but the president hesitates and says no. Barry realizes his daughter must have escaped from the police. He hangs up and leaves to find her.

21. At a Starbucks in Canada, Hannah tells Officer McKay she is going to the bathroom. Secretly, she escapes.

22. From a payphone, Hannah calls Barry and they make a plan to meet at the Canadian/American border. Little do they realize President RedPlant is tracing the call!

23. At the border, Barry waits. Then Hannah finally shows and the two are reunited. They head towards America just as President RedPlant and the entire Toronto police force approach them, armed, locked, and loaded.

24. President RedPlant tells Barry to get him the house he wants and then and only then will everything be forgotten.

25. As Barry refuses the President’s offer, the Canadian police force prepares to shoot both Barry and Hannah down, but before they can, Officer McKay returns and yells, “No! Don’t shoot! I love Hannah!” Officer McKay is actually President RedPlant’s son, so the president holds off on the attack and instead finds a new real estate agent to do business with.

26. So Barry, Hannah, and Officer McKay who still thinks Hannah will marry him, head back to America, in search of a new home.

SECTION TWO

27. Officer McKay says he has a cousin they could stay with until they find a permanent place to live. Officer McKay’s American cousin’s name is Arnold Jacksonville. He lives in California.

28. The three take an airplane out to Los Angeles.

29. When the three arrive in L.A., they find Arnold Jacksonville’s apartment, and they start their new lives.

30. Jacksonville gets Barry a temporary job as a dishwasher and he gets Hannah a job as a teen actress for a new Hollywood movie, called “A Diva with Dynamite.” He also gets his cousin a job as a dishwasher alongside Barry.

31. At the Plaza Hotel, where Barry and McKay are dishwashers, McKay asks Barry if he can marry his daughter. Barry says, “Are you crazy? She’s only twelve years old!” McKay becomes shocked. “Really?” he asks. “I thought she was fifty!”

32. Hannah has one line in this movie she is in. It’s, “And I thought there were pennies in that fountain.” She says the line 982 times before the camera, all at different angles. Then the director, Stephan Sortoverg, tells her to go home and that she did a great job.

33. When Hannah gets back to Jacksonville’s apartment, she tells Barry all about her exciting and boring day.

34. When McKay sees her, he yells at her for lying to him about her age. She wasn’t lying of course, but is very confused.

35. Hannah tells McKay, “You understand now why I can’t marry you.”

36. McKay says, “Yeah, I understand.” Out of fury, he calls his father, President RedPlant, and tells him to come to California and resume with the attack!

37. Stephan Sortoverg calls Hannah and after being thrilled with her recent performance, offers her a starring role in his new film, “Danger Killed the Senator,” a film about a senator who gets murdered by terrorists. Here, Hannah would be playing that senator. Hannah accepts the role.

38. After a few days, Jacksonville asks McKay why he’s been so quiet recently. McKay tells him it’s because his father and an army are on their way.

39. The next day, President RedPlant calls McKay and says he can’t make it after all, because he finally found that great house he had been searching for. But to put his mind at ease, he says he’s sending Nicolai, an assassin, to California to kill Barry and Hannah.

40. Hannah appears in her first ever starring role in “Danger Killed the Senator” and she ends up getting nominated for an Oscar.

41. Nicolai arrives in L.A. and plans on assassinating Hannah when she goes on stage at the Academy Awards. The only reason she was nominated and the only reason she is going to win is because Nicolai threatened to kill the Academy unless they let Hannah win.

42. On the eve of the Oscars, McKay gets dressed up and attends the ceremony, waiting for Hannah’s big moment.

43. However, that night, Jacksonville secretly knocks out Barry and Hannah and locks them up in the basement of his apartment complex, for their own good, because he doesn’t want them to die.

44. When Hannah’s name is announced as the winner of the academy award for best actress, she does not go on stage. Instead, Woody Allen accepts for her. This angers Nicolai, who out of fury, shoots Woody Allen. Then he escapes.

45. Hannah and Barry wake up to find themselves tied to chairs with rope in Jacksonville’s apartment complex basement.

46. Jacksonville explains how Nicolai, McKay, and the entire Canadian government want Barry and Hannah dead.

47. Jacksonville hears a noise, so he leaves the room to find out about it. It’s Nicolai, who shoots to kill Jacksonville. Then, he finds Barry and Hannah all tied up. He calls McKay to tell him the situation and asks for his permission to kill Barry and Hannah. McKay thinks about it and says no. He asks Nicolai to watch them for a bit. McKay wants to kill Hannah and Barry himself. He leaves the Oscars ceremony and heads back to the apartment.

48. As Nicolai watches Hannah and Barry, Barry finds a way to break loose from the rope. He pretends like he’s still tied up, so as to fools Nicolai, and he plans on surprising him and breaking free when Nicolai least suspects it.

49. McKay finally arrives. He sees Nicolai watching Barry and Hannah and he prepares to shoot. Then Barry breaks free and tries to get McKay’s gun, but Nicolai stops Barry and ties him up again. Barry isn’t smart.

50. McKay says he will shoot Hannah and then Nicolai should shoot Barry. However, before they can do anything, Stephan Sortoverg shows up and with two guns, one in each hand: one aimed at Nicolai, and the other aimed at McKay. Sortoverg says, “What you gentlemen seem to be forgetting is that this is Hollywood. You can’t expect to kill celebrities like Woody Allen and Hannah without experiencing some blow back!” Then he shoots Nicolai and McKay. Afterwards, he makes a movie, based on the true story that just occurred, which he calls, “Mission Impossible V: The Mission of Hannah!” Hannah and Barry each play themselves. Sortoverg plays everybody else!

SECTION THREE

51. A year later, Hannah and Barry are each famous actors, and also Barry has become an accomplished singer/songwriter. They live in a giant mansion in Hollywood and are heavily protected by bodyguards, led by their head bodyguard and butler: Toons. Toons has a very kind personality, but is also a dangerous killer for hire and a former cop/former P.I.

52. The movie, “Mission Impossible V: The Mission of Hannah!” finally comes to theaters, worldwide. In Canada, President RedPlant figures out what happened to his son, McKay, after realizing McKay had been gone for so long, and after watching the movie, based on true events.

53. One day, Hannah wants to go out to the mall. Toons escorts her. In the food court, she asks if she and Toons can split up for a while. Toons realizes her feelings of independence, so he tells her he will meet her back in the food court in exactly one hour. Hannah agrees to this.

54. Hannah goes into a Macy’s. There, a group of girls see her and they say, “Like OMG! It’s the movie star Hannah! OMGOMG!” Then Toons, who was secretly watching this entire time, comes in guns blazing and terrifies the girls, as he believed Hannah was in danger.

55. Upset and horrified, the girls sue Hannah for one hundred million dollars and in court, they win. The judge gives them Hannah and Barry’s money, and the mansion.

56. Now on the street, Hannah, Barry, and Toons decide to leave this life of glamour and move up to a cabin in Alaska, isolated from the rest of the world.

57. Meanwhile, the Vice President of Canada, VP BlueGrape, makes his way to Hollywood to find out if the rumors are true. He finds Stephan Sortoverg and asks if he killed McKay. He says he did. He also says Hannah and Barry are gone.

58. BlueGrape contacts RedPlant about Sortoverg’s confession. President RedPlant decides to send Canadian troops into Hollywood and start a war. Unless Hannah and Barry, along with Sortoverg, are brought to him.

59. In the Alaskan cabin, Barry considers firing Toons, who is not even accepting pay and who just wants to protect Barry and Hannah. Toons says, “If trouble comes, you guys are gonna need me.” Barry thinks about it.

60. Sortoverg agrees to go with BlueGrape, but he does not reveal Hannah and Barry’s location. BlueGrape takes Sortoverg to Canada to speak with the President.

61. The mailman comes to the Alaskan cabin to give Barry and Hannah their mail, but Toons thinks he is a terrorist, so he shoots him in the face. Barry decides this is the last straw, so he fires him.

62. Before leaving, Toons tells Barry and Hannah that Hannah’s mother’s death was not an accident. Toons claims he was guarding Hannah’s mom the night she was assassinated. Hannah’s mom was an accountant who led a secret life. She had Toons as her bodyguard, until thieves came in to steal from her office. After this, Toons started shooting, because he wanted to protect her. But during the shootout, she got shot and died. Now Toons wants to protect the remaining members of the family, by any means necessary, to achieve redemption. To this, Barry still fires him and Toons is forced to leave.

63. In Canada, Sortoverg still won’t reveal Hannah and Barry’s location, so President RedPlant gets a man named Michael to torture Sortoverg until he talks, by showing him footage from the horribly boring Canadian film festival. Meanwhile, President RedPlant orders Canadian troops to go to Hollywood and start this war!

64. Canadian soldiers kill people in Hollywood, so the people in Hollywood fight back and the war gets crazier. Steven Spielberg, Tom Cruise, and Jack Nicholson kill hundreds of Canadians.

65. After days of fighting, the Hollywood producers make a deal with the Canadian soldiers. They tell them if the war ends today, then they’ll make a movie about it and give all the Canadian soldiers starring roles.

66. The Canadian soldiers are so happy, they all move to Hollywood and the war comes to an end.

67. All this angers President RedPlant, but just as the war ends, Sortoverg gives in to Michael and reveals Hannah and Barry’s location, after sitting through five minutes of the Canadian film festival. RedPlant and BlueGrape head out for Alaska immediately, with 3 bodyguards.

68. In Alaska, Hannah and Barry are in their living room knitting. Barry confesses to Hannah that he still hasn’t stopped grieving after his wife’s death and he just can’t get past this. Hannah thinks her dad should get laid.

69. That night, the President and VP make their way to the cabin and they kidnap Barry and leave Hannah a note that says, “If you want to see your dad again, return to Canada, and meet me in my new house that your dad couldn’t help me out with! Come alone.”

70. Hannah leaves Alaska.

71. Hannah enters Canada.

72. Hannah finds President RedPlant’s mansion.

73. Hannah goes through the front door and kills the first guard, using a handgun.

74. Hannah kills the second and third guards.

75. Hannah finds Sortoverg and kills Michael.

76. Hannah and Sortoverg find BlueGrape and RedPlant.

77. Sortoverg tries to kill BlueGrape, but BlueGrape kills him first. Then Hannah kills BlueGrape.

78. Somebody shouts, “Freeze!” It’s RedPlant who has a gun aimed at Hannah and another aimed at Barry who stands close to him. He tells Hannah to drop her weapon. She does.

79. Before RedPlant can kill Hannah, Toons returns and kills RedPlant. He wins his redemption, but Barry still says he won’t hire him back.

80. Most of Canada moves to Hollywood, but the remaining Canadians agree to be ruled by Barry who later marries a woman named Diane. Hannah lives her life in Canada and lives happily ever after!

81. After all this, Steven Spielberg gets inspired and turns this story into a movie which he calls, “ET: The Extra Terrestrial.”

 

THE END!


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