THAT Conversation

Jerry: Who are you texting?

Shelly: This friend of mine in Montana.

Jerry: About what?

Shelly: Oh he just got a new sex toy and was telling me about it. Did you know there’s a toy that is basically an electronic glory hole?

Jerry: That’s not right, Shel.

Shelly: I know right? Why doesn’t he just go find a girlfriend or have a one night stand like everyone else?

Jerry: No, I mean you talking to him about all that isn’t right.

Shelly: What? Why not? It’s just talk and we’re friends. It’s not like he’s sending me pictures of what he’s doing or using the thing while he’s talking to me.

Jerry: Why do you have to talk about that kind of stuff anyways? Doesn’t this guy know you’re in a relationship?

Shelly: In a rela…What does that have to do with anything? He lives like five states away and I’ll never see him. It’s just a conversation. He bought something new and he’s telling me about it. It’s no big deal.

Jerry: Would you want me talking to some girl about sex?

Shelly: Don’t you? Guys always talk about sex. Women do, too. It’s a natural thing.

Jerry: Well I don’t go around talking to people about my sex life or anything sexual and you shouldn’t either. It’s not right.

Shelly: I can’t believe you. I’m not doing anything wrong.

Jerry: You’re encouraging that guy to be inappropriate and you’re both disrespecting our relationship.

Shelly: You’re jealous? God! Here, look at the messages; I have nothing to hide. I asked if the machine worked for him and he said it got him off twice.

Jerry: Fuck, Shelly, why do you even care whether or not he got off with the damn thing? Why do you need to know anything about his sex life?

Shelly: Because I wanna know. I’m curious. Sex toys fascinate me; people who use them fascinate me. Don’t you ever wonder about other people’s sexual quirks? There’s a whole world out there with all kinds of things going on in it. Don’t you wanna know about it?

Jerry: No.

Shelly: Well I do. I want to know about every kind of sex there is out there.

Jerry: Why Shel? Do you get some kind of sick thrill out of it?

Shelly: Sometimes, I’m only human. I wanna know about sex so I can write about it.

Jerry: Oh yeah, the almighty erotic writing career, how could I forget? People don’t even consider that real writing, you know? You’ve got talent, Shelly, real talent—and you’re wasting it on that smut you write.

Shelly: Smut? You think what I write is smut? You have no idea what it takes to be able to describe a hot fuck! There’s a hell of a lot more to it than a thrust here and a moan there. It takes a lot of work to write a good sex scene.

Jerry: So do you plan to live your entire life doing “research” for your sex scenes? What about the real world Shel? What about me? No, wait, what about us?

Shelly: Us? We’re fine. At least I thought we were. You’re the one bringing up all this grief about my writing and sex talk.

Jerry: Why can’t you just write something more…tasteful?

Shelly: Oh, so now my writing is dirty. Jerry why are you trying to change me? You knew what I was all about when we started dating—I told you. If you want Susie-Homemaker-in-the-missionary-position-who-can’t-even-say-the-word-cock-without-blushing, then go find her. You know I’m not her.

Jerry: Don’t you love me?

Shelly: Love you? What does that mean? Does loving you mean I have to deny an entire part of myself to make you feel comfortable and secure?

Jerry: Loving someone means making sacrifices for the greater good.

Shelly: Oh that’s a load of horse shit Jerry. Don’t even go there with me. You know damn well I don’t buy into that.

Jerry: Well then what do you buy into Shel, huh? The single life? Talking to guys on the net who probably jack off while they’re talking to you? Playing around with people’s emotions? Is that what you’re all about?

Shelly: What do you want me to say Jer? I’m not fucking around on you, I’m not sending naked pictures out or collecting dick pics, and I don’t hide my net life from you. I’ve been honest and open with you.

Jerry: That’s just it Shel, you’re too open—with me, with everybody, and that’s not good.

Shelly: It’s not good for you, you mean. So what are you saying? Are we done?

Jerry: I want a woman who’s all mine.

Shelly: I’m not a possession, Jerry.

Jerry: You know what I mean.

Shelly: Yes, unfortunately, I do.

Jerry:  C’mon, Shel, just stop with all this sex stuff, huh—for me?

Shelly:  I can’t do that, Jer—for me.

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