Where Did That Come From?

Where Did That Come From? Where Did That Come From?

Status: Finished

Genre: Erotica


Status: Finished

Genre: Erotica


Fred decided to give his wife a surprise in bed one Saturday night, some proper sex, not his usual 30 second treat. This is an attempt at humorous sex, inspired by a funny quote I'd often seen which I've added into the last line.


Fred decided to give his wife a surprise in bed one Saturday night, some proper sex, not his usual 30 second treat.

This is an attempt at humorous sex, inspired by a funny quote I'd often seen which I've added into the last line.


Submitted: July 28, 2015

A A A | A A A


Submitted: July 28, 2015



Saturday Night and Mary was sat up in bed reading her latest sexy book, "50 Shades of Earl Grey." A tale about a group of women of a similar age to her who meet up at each others house one day a week for cups of tea and some fun and games with any toyboy one of these cougars had snared.

She wasn't sure if she should have gone to sleep, She enjoyed reading her books, they excited her, but they also made her sad at the same time as she realised what she was missing out on, and besides, Fred would begin his weekly ritual any time soon, thinking a rough grab of her breasts was the pass key to pawing them while he had his 30 seconds of pleasure then went to sleep. She loved him but his lovemaking skills were not the best. Sometimes he couldn't manage an erection, if he could, it was grope, few pumps and come, and on the rare occasion a particularly sexy book or a few extra wines cajoled her into letting him near her mouth, well, one touch of her lips had him going off, all in all it just left her even more frustrated.

As if on cue, a hand clamped itself on her left breast, started squeezing it like it was a hand exercise ball and an attempted seductive voice said, "Mary, oh Mary my lovely turtle dove" Having just reached a eye opening, vagina moistening part of her book, Mary said "Fuck off and get a cold shower Fred, I'm not in the mood, I'll give you a Sunday Morning Special" it would mean another creamy chin but this chapter was worth it.
"But Mary I've..." he began, but was cut off by "Fuck Off Fred, go take a cold shower and wait 'till morning"

As Fred stomped off to the bathroom Mary settled back into her book and one hand raised her nightdress and settled between her legs. Before she could even have a quick rub of her clitoris Fred marched back into the bedroom, wearing a towel round his waist and strode to her side of the bed and stood facing her.

"Go fuck yourself Fred" she said frustratedly angry, "You've never showered so fucking quick."
"Mary" he said, "There's something wrong with my penis"
"Yes Fred" she said, "It's attached to you, now piss off"
"No Mary, honest, it's not right, something's happened to it" he said, "Have a look at it please, I'm begging you"
"If this is some kind of trick Fred, I'll cut the little fucker off" she replied as she reached out and yanked the towel off him.

Mary sat bolt upright, staring, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, then words started flowing from her, "Holy fucking fuck, what the fuck is that Fred? what the fuck have you done, where the fuck has that come from?" She sat there staring at it, this wasn't her Fred's little cock, this was big, hard, thick, a monster, a proper penis, like the ones she read about. "What, where, how, when?" was all she could say, shocked by the thing in front of her.

"I was thinking how much I love you Mary, and how I'd love to please you properly for once" said Fred, which sounded better than, "I had a sneaky read of one of your books, realised what was missing, went to the doctors and he gave me some viagra" He'd explain that another time, maybe.

Unable to resist, Mary leant forward and kissed the thick tip, as Fred didn't do his usual "Ahhhhh" and unload, she kissed it again. Thoughts were flowing fast through her mind, this was her chance, all those things she read, would it last? get busy Mary she thought while you have the chance and the penis.

She reached out, took a hold of his balls and pulled him to her, bent her head and began running her tongue up and down this thick length of solid hardness. As Fred made a pleasurable moan, she began teasing the tip with her tongue, she was wet, and getting wetter as his penis twitched as she teased the tip with her flicking, licking tongue. Then she put her lips over the tip and moved forward, taking it into her mouth, bobbing her head backwards and forwards, her tongue stroking it as she mouth fucked her new found toy.

As Freds moans got louder she stopped, she didn't want him cumming yet, she wanted this thing in her. "Lay on the bed" she said.
As Fred lay next to her on the bed, his penis standing tall and strong, Mary hoisted her nightdress, straddled his legs, said "Tear it off Fred" and shuddered with excitement as Fred took hold of her nightdress and ripped it open, then pulled it off her. She shuffled forward reached down and took hold of his penis, guiding it so the solid tip was touching her wet lips, then parted them with it, and began lowering herself on to it.

"Ohhh god" she moaned as it filled her, she'd never had anything like this in her before, yet it went in easily she was so wet. Slowly she began sliding up and down on it, "Oh yes" "Oh yes yes" she moaned as she rode it slowly. Fred reached out, and with a new found touch as well as his new found penis, began stroking her nipples, as they stiffenend he gently squeezed, tweaked and pulled them. "Ohhh fuck fuck yes yes" moaned Mary as she moved faster and faster, bouncing up and down on it as Fred pleased and teased her nipples. "Fuckkkkkk meeeeeee, fuck meeeeeeee" screamed Mary as she felt it, the warmth, the release, in her mind flashed the thought, "I've either had my first squirting orgasm or peed but fuck, it was good and I want it again"

She stopped and slid off Fred's still big hard weapon, looked at him and said, "Your turn to work now Fred, take me from behind" then climbed off Fred and the bed, turned and bent over it.

As Fred approached her from behind she felt the hard tip touch her anus, "No Fred, not with that thing, maybe with your old little one but that thing is not going in my bum" she said, "Fuck my pussy, give me it hard and deep Fred" Eager to oblige while he was still going strong, he put his tip to her lips then thrust. "Oh my god" screamed Mary as she felt it go all the way in. Fred began thrusting in and out slowly, then getting faster, sometimes stopping as he pulled back, then thrusting hard back into her. Just as Mary was ecstatically wondering where her Fred had learnt his new found fucking technique, Fred began lightly spanking her bottom cheeks with each thrust. Her thoughts disappeared as two more wet screaming orgasms overcame her.

"No more Fred" she cried, "No more, I can't take it, I'm not used to it" which was partly true, but also a touch of embarrassment about the mess she'd made, and besides if this new Freddy Fuckstick was here to stay there would be plenty more in the future.

Then she heard the words she never in her wildest dreams thought she would hear, "But Mary, I haven't cum yet, just one more, pleaseeee"
"Don't worry Fred, I'll take care of that" she said, dropping to her knees in front of him. She took hold of the bottom of his penis, held it in front of her, kissed the tip and again ran her tongue up and down it. Then mischievously she held it in front of her, she was going to tongue tease the tip and enjoy seeing his penis twitching. As she leant forward and her tongue touched the tip of his hard throbbing penis, the old Fred suddenly returned and with a loud grunt he came over her face.

The next day while hanging out the freshly laundered washing, Mary saw her neighbour Hilda looking over the garden face.
"Hello Hilda, how are you?" said Mary
"Hello Mary, I'm fine thanks" said Hilda,"How are you today? I'm surprised to see you, I didn't think you'd be able to walk today" she said with a wink.
"Oh god" Said Mary, embarrassed, "Did we make a noise? I'm so sorry"
"Don't worry lass, the sex sounded so good even me and Bert had a cigarette after it" said Hilda with another wink.

© Copyright 2018 Porky Pieman. All rights reserved.

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