My Story, My truth...

My Story, My truth... My Story, My truth...

Status: Finished

Genre: True Confessions

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: True Confessions

Summary

People can take many things from me, the one that they will never take again is my voice, my values and unfortunately my memories of how it happened. I love my son and wouldn't change him but I do wish it hadn't been this way that I was blessed with him. All I can do now, is help myself heal, is to write and hope someone can learn from it.

Summary

People can take many things from me, the one that they will never take again is my voice, my values and unfortunately my memories of how it happened. I love my son and wouldn't change him but I do wish it hadn't been this way that I was blessed with him.

All I can do now, is help myself heal, is to write and hope someone can learn from it.

Content

Submitted: October 21, 2012

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Content

Submitted: October 21, 2012

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The real deal:

I was 13-14 when my relationship with my parents really began to suffer. I was growing up to fast with an older brother who had special needs I was the babysitter once old enough. I was swept under the rug because he needed help. I failed a mathematics test when there were two people in my house who could have helped me understand and why, because they were helping my brother. Eventually I wanted my curfew changed from 8-9 p.m. so I could actually attend school dances, I wanted freedom with my friends. They weren't willing to change the rules to fit my stages of life.

I didn't want to listen, I thought I knew everything. My parents began to talk down to me because of how I dressed, they were both heavy drinkers. I tried to run away at 15 years old. On one of my attempts to run away I called my parents to tell them I wasn't coming home right now, not until I figured things out. They demanded my location. I was hauled home. When we got home my mother went inside and my father took me to our back yard. It was March, there was snow and ice and he threw me around. I still remember the look on his face, and the words he spoke as my cries for him to stop, for someone to help me were ignored. I was very scared of him and disappointed that my own mother let this happen. I called Children's Aid on my parents but because the incident where my father threw me around did not leave bruises they could do nothing. Or rather chose to do nothing. They gave my parents days notice that they would be coming by their house giving my parents plenty of time to hide or dispose of the massive quanitity of beer bottles. The end result? My parents home being deemed safe and that the incident was just "parent & teen conflict".

I continued to run away, always being found. I was not going to school for fear my parents would find me and take me home. Eventually, some family members paid for me to go out of town and stay at a cousin's house. She called my parents to let them know I was coming there after all, my parents had always said if their children ran away they'd only want to know they were safe.

This was not where I was able to stay. My parents called the house and threatened my cousin, saying if she didn't put me on the phone they'd charge her with aiding and abeding a minor. She had her own daughter to worry about. My father screamed at me in the phone..." You think you're so smart huh? You think we're un-fair?" and many other things. We contacted the Children's Aid in her district, they allow her a temporary kinship while they found out more about my case. The next morning they informed us I had to go home, and that my parents would be picking me up. If I fought getting in the car, they could call the cops and force me in, if I ran before they got there my cousin would be charged. I was in a lose lose situation.

I ran away again, this time I was sucesful. The police deemed me a chronic run away and left me alone. I ran to a local cousin's house. He had supported me from when my parents had first mistreated me. When they made me sleep on the floor like a dog all the way through.

He lived in a bacholer pad. I slept on the couch in the living room. I was charged with truency for not attending school. I returned to my old school. Most of my friends didn't talk to me anymore, my parents had talked to their parents and told them I was a bad influence. Those who were around me partied. I took police to my parents house to get my stuff, there wasn't much of it left and they with held my I.D. I started drinking alcohol a lot, smoking weed. I lost my job that I had had for about 2 years. I lost myself, I didn't want to deal with what happened at my parents and was content to try and forget they even existed. They weren't a part of my life anymore. I spent about 5 months almost always under the influence. It started with weekends ony and quickly if I wasn't drunk I had at least had a few, every day. I was ashamed of myself for letting them win, I was angry, I wanted to be numb. My cousin helped me with putting a roof over my head, letting me do pretty much anything I wanted as long as I attended school. We hid that I lived there. By this point, we had already had sex, he took my virginity. I remember it clear as day. He was the only person saying anything positive to me, and he was the only one who would tell me it'd be okay. He told me he loved me. I thought I was in love when really I was blinded. What friends I did still have weren't allowed to come see me, he didn't want me around anybody but him. I was awake all night, slept all day. He worked two jobs and over the course of a year his mother sent $500.00 to support me. He was also recieving my Child Tax Credit. That $500.00 didn't go to buy me new clothes, or school supplies. I had almost no decent clothes, everything was skimpy. I went to grocceries - sometimes- and all of his debt that he had encoured in the relationship he was in when he had sex with me the first time. But according to his mother it was all my fault.

So somewhere in the months of June & July I became pregnant. I found out v.i.a home pregnancy test in the early days of August. I was terrified. I couldn't have a baby. How could this happen? Turns out the pills I thought were birth control weren't, turns out all the times I thought he was wearing a condom because he said he was (I was drunk I didn't know the difference) he wasn't. I didn't want the baby, we tried to stop the pregnancy, attempting to suffocate me. He encouraged me to go to Prenatal, but I refuse, I looked up online what to do. I while searching found out that him & I having sex was a crime, that he could get in serious trouble. But I wasn't raising this baby alone. I didn't create it alone and I thought because he told me all the things I wanted and so desperately needed to hear that it was love.

In March 2010 my son was born. I went to the Emergency Department with abdominal pain. I had never felt contractions before, it was brutal.They told me I was pregnant but I already knew that, though I told them I didn't, they couldn't take my baby's dad, I had no one else. After many hours of pain, and nurses trying to give me a crash course on child birth he was delivered healthy. I decided I wanted to raise him. It was afterall because of my actions that a child was concieved. It was because my lack of knowledge, my desperation for love and approval. I was torn inside. The hospital had called Children's Aid on me, I didn't know until minutes before the workers showed up. My father who I was trying to mend ties with at the time was present. My mother living several provinces away was not. They decided to put my son into foster care after trying to convince me to put him up for adoption. I could make this work, I could bring him home. I was willing to do anything to have this baby boy of mine with me.

The Children's Aid worker did not give me all my options, for if they had my son and I would have been off to a small town 4 hours from my city, for a kinship. My aunt and uncle are registered foster parents, we could have been in the same house. I hated Children's Aid. I recieved acess of 2 hours every 3 days. When we went to court to finish the legalities of their apprehension, the judge ordered for me to have more time. CAS worked closely with me with the original worker being changed. I was pleased for that. I consented to several drunk and alcohol tests, councelling reports, and attended parenting programs every second day of the week. I worked hard. I had been sober for 9 months when my son came home in June 2010. I had moved in with my father and gotten onto Social Assistance. All while returning to highschool.

I allowed his father to parent behind the scenes, however he didn't really get involved in caring for him until my son was 3 almost 4 months old, until then he did the odd thing. Despite having a full time job he didn't pay anything for his son as was agreed to be the case. He put extra grocerries in and only bought diapers when begged. I was supporting myself and my son on $226.00 a month from Social Asistance, when the child tax finally kicked in, I had $500, almost $600.00 a month. Thank goodness my father was helping.

In August of 2010 I met someone new. I told my son's father I didn't want to be with him anymore, things were to risky and I deserved better. He went freaky. Started talking about, being a family giving my son something neither of us had growing up. His biological father wasn't a part of his life very long, though he did have a step father, and I well, you've read about that already. I tried to ignore this. My partner and I began dating and all was going well.

On October 30th 2010 I came clean and told my boyfriend who was my son's father, after my son's father got drunk and was buligerant with me about the amount of time he was spending with the child. After all I wasn't around as much being that I was dating and all, but I still made sure he had time with my son. It wasn't good enough. We left the house, and he decided to tell pretty much everyone who would listen including our cousin.

The following day was Halloween, we didnt do very much, but late that night the cousin my son's father told, came into our house with the key was given since he was staying at our house. My boyfriend has spent the night and woke up to hear arguing. When I woke up it was the wee hours of the following morning, my cousin was holding a - later found out - imitation firearm and threating my son's father. I grabbed my son from his bed and my boyfriend and I cuddled him, protected him. The police surrounded our house. It eventually ended with my son's father telling them nothing, and police opening my bedroom door with guns drawn. They didnt know we were inside.

I was later brought in for questioning about the gun incident. I told them what I saw, they then changed it to my son's father and I. I didn't have anyone with me and I was still a minor. I didn't understand much about the situation, I hadn't gotten much sleep, and was having trouble rationalizing the whole ordeal. I told them it was a relationship, for fear of what they'd do, of what my son's father might do, he had scared me. I went to visit my mom for a while to get away from the stress. To figure things out. In December I found out I was pregnant. I was very happy and scared. My boyfriend and I began planing. In August she was born.

In the October following my daughter's birth my son's father went for surgery. With the space I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I had lied to my boyfriend, and truely loving him I wouldn't continue it. I was starting to figure out that although the sex was techincally consensual, what 15 year old girl could possibly be in love? How was I to know that he didn't love me or he wouldn't have said the things he did, or done the things he did. I was just another person to keep him company, for him manipulate, to control. It was very easy since I was so vulnerable.

In December I told my boyfriend everything. I haven't even so much as had coffee with my son's father since. It takes a certain kind of control to take a bad situation and control it so it appears better. My boyfriend and are still together and I am thankful that he's helped me through.

My son's father has been convicted of Sexual assualt but is free on the streets because I made a statement on his behalf during my trauma. I know better now. He's hurt my son through the process. My son came home with black eyes and nobody listened.

My son's father's mother said yet to acknowledge my son as her grandchild and that is probably for the better. This woman has said that her son was criminally not responisble for his actions when the charges first came about. That didn't fly though. She has tried to say I threatened her son to sleep with me. I was 15 he was 25 and I threatened to kill him if he didn't sleep with me. These words have stuck with me. How can she believe this? I was barely strong enough to keep myself alive at the time.

We're in court now though. I hope that I can do what's best for my son. I do not want him to go through what I went through. I do not wish it upon anyone. Despite being stronger now, I still fear what his father is capable of.

My mother and I have reconcilled. She a new person since she left my father and is with someone that makes her happy. She still lives provinces away, and I miss her, but we see her 4 times a year and talk almost daily.

My father and I had reconcilled for a short 8 months when my son was little but, he hasn't spoken to me since I became pregnant with my daughter. Hasn't even met her.

Despite the bad things I am happy to be where I am at, now if I could forgive them for what they did, for what I did I would be truely happy and capable to move on. Instead there are times I fear being around them.


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