Journal of a Downward Spiral

Journal of a Downward Spiral Journal of a Downward Spiral

Status: Finished

Genre: Erotica

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Erotica

Summary

Young girl, torn by the lost of a love and lack of parental love, gets caught up in the cycle of drugs. She journals of disspare and the wanting desire to set herself free from all the pain that surrounds her.

Summary

Young girl, torn by the lost of a love and lack of parental love, gets caught up in the cycle of drugs. She journals of disspare and the wanting desire to set herself free from all the pain that surrounds her.

Content

Submitted: November 25, 2012

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: November 25, 2012

A A A

A A A


 

September 27th, 2012

If I told you that I missed you that would be an understatement. I realize now that I should have stayed, but I’m too far gone now to ever come back. I really should be writing to myself and making a documentary of all the bull shit that’s going on in my life, but whenever I try it just ends up back at you.

September 29th, 2012

Yesterday was my mothers birthday. I didn’t call. I’m sure god is not going to forgive me for how I’ve behaved. It just feels like I’ve tried all I can. I’m not sure I would feel anything other than regret if she died tomorrow. Regret that she was my mother and not someone else. I just went to work and forgot about it. I started toying with the idea of finding another lover to help get over my self inflicted grief. Who know’s what tomorrow might bring. It’s a cold fact he said we would never be together. I need to just wise up and face the fact he only wants me for my pussy. No matter what he says, I know it in the end because he’s told me so. He likes how wet it gets, and how I can squirt it all over the place. Funny how I can go from talking about my mother- slide over her abuse, to talking about him again. All roads lead to him.

October 3rd, 2012

I know it’s been a few day’s since I’ve written but I was kinda ashamed to write anything down. I ended up going out with Rico and we got really high. At first I wasn’t sure about it, but I know it now. He laced my weed with crack. It was a high like I never felt before. I haven’t even been to work the last few days. It’s been so amazing. I haven’t thought about Martin or my mother or work or anything. I’ve just been chasing a high. Then as soon as I get home and find my phone I see that Martin has called me at least 20 times. Lol he never calls. Funny how when you choose to act like they do, they wanna act like you. Like they care. I don’t really like Rico, and I’m kinda pissed that he put me on to that shit. But it eased my brain much better than weed ever has. I mean, I didn’t think about shit.

So when I finally went to work, I got a few nasty looks from the rest of the folks in the back of the center. Lol Kinda helped to look like shit. I made up a dr’s note and told my boss I had a really bad bug and was out of it the last few days. Since I live alone I didn’t have anyone to help me and my phone died. She believed it and left me alone to go sort my mail.

It was good walking through the neighborhood, feeling the cold air on my shoulders. Knowing I was actually alive.

Lol Martin even called while I was running my route. Still wont say he loves me. Still wont say he’s leaving that girl and wants to be with me. So fuck him. I think I’ve been little miss good girl long enough.

Oh and my mother called. She was angry that I still hadn’t called to say Happy Birthday. I really wanted to tell her I didn’t give a squirrels left nut about her, but I thought back to the regrets and I just said sorry. Maybe tomorrow I’ll send her some flowers. I’m sure she’ll get over it if I do. Arrgh I’m tired. I really wish I could get high right now. I’m starting to think about my problems again. But I know if I smoke with Rico I might not get to work until the next 3 days, so I better leave that shit alone.

October 4th, 2012

So it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep at all. I have to be up in another 3 hours and my body totally feels like shit. I was feeling acky and sweaty and my heart was racing like I don’t know I guess a horse, and I was like wtf. I rolled up a blunt and smoked that for a while and I started to calm down, but I think my body wants that other shit. I really don’t want to call Rico. I was able to avoid fucking him that whole time, but I’m not sure if I can get out of it.

Eww.

 

October 4th, 2012….Later

Ok so this shit is totally getting out of control. I was able to get my ass to work, sort the mail and run my route. Rico just happened to be by the Pizza shop on the corner close to the end of my route. I was happy to see him, but only because I knew he had that shit. After I dropped off my mail, he followed me to my house. My pussy was incredibly wet, but not for him. For the crack. When we got in to my apartment, I didn’t even feel bad that it was a mess. All I wanted was a hit or 3. Lol Now I was a greedy selfish little bitch according to him.

Phone…

Arrrrgh! I am totally going to stop answering his phone calls. If you don’t want me then don’t fucking talk to me. I asked that asshole when he was coming to see me and he said, I don’t wanna talk about that. Lmao. Well then get the fuck off my line. I don’t care anymore. I have finally found the answer to my prayers. A way to erase him Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind style. Damn its already 2 am. I need to try and get to sleep. I might have to take some Nyquell.

October 25th, 2012

If I can’t be honest with anyone I’m going to be honest with you. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to work. I’ve been just getting high. Rico has so much control over me, that I started to cut my wrist and hope I would just bleed to death. There seems to be no end to that shit. As soon as I say I’m done, my body says something else and no matter how hard I try, I can never get as high as I was the first time. I’m too ashamed to tell anyone one, I’ve been trading out my pussy for hits of crack. I hate the way my body betrays me. It knows I don’t want either one, but it makes me get them both. I just love holding his head down in my pussy while I take a hit. Martin never would lick me. But Ricco swirls his tongue over my clit until I nut in his mouth. He makes my clit so hard it looks like a mini dick after I cum. I’m just going to kill myself. I can’t keep going in this horrible cycle. I’m shaking as I type. If my mother reads this, I’m sorry I was a bitch to you. I’m sorry I’ve been a bad human. I just can’t stop now.

November 3rd, 2012

He lives here now. He pays the bills. He fucks me, and lets his friends fuck me too, and now I really wish I he never found me to save me. 


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