My Piss Poor Date

My Piss Poor Date

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor


Status: Finished

Genre: Humor


When I meet the girl of my dreams, she turns out to be a little more than I bargained for in the bedroom. Our first date is a real pisser.


When I meet the girl of my dreams, she turns out to be a little more than I bargained for in the bedroom. Our first date is a real pisser.


Submitted: November 13, 2012

A A A | A A A


Submitted: November 13, 2012



When I first laid eyes on Eve’s picture I could tell she was going to be a little hellcat in the sack.  She just had that look.  You know the type – trashy but sexy.  Not exactly the kind of girl you wanted to bring home to meet the family on Thanksgiving, but the kind of girl you wanted to bring home for the night and would hopefully leave quietly in the morning. 

I quickly scanned the rest of her profile.  Twenty-six years old originally from Buffalo, relocated to New York City last summer.  A bartender on weekends, she enjoys poetry, horror movies, spending time with family, water sports, blah, blah blah.  My eyes go right back to her profile picture.  I finish crafting a charming introduction note and hit send.  I still can’t believe this girl is on JDate. 


It doesn’t take long to get a response.  Less than an hour after replying to her profile, the familiar chime of “You’ve Got Mail” drives me to my inbox.  I quickly scan her email and notice she’s attached a photo.  Without hesitation, I download the image.  “Oh wow,” I think to myself

The photo shows her seductively sprawled out on a blood red mattress; the dark red sheet helps accentuate her chalky white flesh and makes her curvy figure seem to want jump right off the screen as if it were in 3D.  Wearing scantly clad, black lingerie, she’s got one finger touching her lower lip, and her mouth is slightly open revealing a silver tongue stud.  With her other hand, she’s caressing her inner thigh.  It almost looks like she’s inviting me to join her on the bed right there and then.  I soak it all in and my first thought is who took this picture?  Does she have a boyfriend?  Do I really have a shot with a girl like this?

Terrific.  I haven’t even met this girl and I’m already getting jealous. I try and block out the kind of reckless thinking that typically derails my relationships.  I manage to push out the negative thoughts and focus back on the beautiful woman staring back at me from my computer.  After what seems like an eternity studying the photo, I read her message.  She’s interested in meeting up with me on Saturday night.  Well, that was easy. 

We decide to meet at a bar on Avenue A on the Lower East Side.  Normally I’d complain; that’s almost Brooklyn for crying out loud.  But for Eve, I am willing to make an exception.  We’ve been sharing extremely flirtatious emails and text messages the past few days, and unless I happen to suddenly break out with syphilis or I am unexpectedly castrated, there’s a very good chance I am going to have sex with her.  

Worried I’d be late and Eve would leave, I make sure to get to the place a bit early.  Unfortunately I arrive over an hour early.  I walk inside and grab a seat at the bar.  Aside from a couple of guys drinking beer and watching football, the place is dark and quiet.I immediately get self-conscious sitting alone and decide to wait outside.  I smoke what seems like an entire pack of cigarettes waiting for her to arrive.  I look at my watch; she’s 10 minutes late.  I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Have I just been stood up?  I call Eve’s phone but it goes straight to voicemail.  Just wonderful, I think to myself.  I slump back inside the bar feeling dejected and order a shot of Wild Turkey.  And another.  I continually stare at my phone hoping to see a missed call. I’m about it to give up on the date when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

“Michael?” Eve asks with a shy smile.

“Hey,” I say trying not too sound too excited.  She’s wearing a snug black leather miniskirt with high-heel leather boots and a tight-fitting dark red shirt that stops right above her pierced and tattooed belly button.  She looks like one of those models out of a biker magazine.  Her tight fitting outfit that leaves little to the imagination, but trust me, her outfit has me imagining all kinds of nasty, freaky stuff.  She is certainly not ashamed of her body and she enjoys flaunting it.  Which is good, because I enjoy ogling it.

We sit at a table in the corner and enjoy uncomfortable silence.We both order drinks and try to engage in some pointless small talk when she suddenly blurts out “Wanna to go back to your place?”  I am a bit surprised by her boldness and have to stop myself before telling her I think we should order dinner first. “Um, yeah, sure,” I reply.

I was eagerly anticipating this night for days, and now we were on the way home making out in the back of a cab like a scene out of Taxicab Confessions.  What I was not prepared for was the most uncomfortable sexual situation of my life.  And to this day, I am still pissed off just thinking about it.  Literally.

What started as playful kissing had escalated into serious foreplay by the time we get to my place.  In the elevator she pulls up my shirt and begins kissing my bare chest and moves down ever so slowly.  I am a bit too excited, so I have to stop her.  I don’t want this night to end prematurely in the elevator.  With my hands on her shoulders, I motion for her to get up, but she just stares back at me with a sadistic looking smirk and keeps heading down further.  She unzips my pants and I try to think about something other than the smoking hot girl on her knees in front of me.  Why is this elevator so damn slow?  Why didn’t we take the stairs?  Damn the man that invented elevators!  Damn Elisha Graves Otis!  Fortunately the door opens before I trigger an untimely end to the night. 

Looking back, I wish our night of unbridled sex did end after 2 minutes right there in my elevator.

Within minutes of entering my apartment, we are naked and I discover another piercing I can only imagine many other guys have seen before.  This chick is a bit kinkier than the girls I typically meet on JDate.  She’s saying some filthy things, but then out of the blue she says something that catches me completely off guard.

“Are you into water sports?”

What an odd question.  Why was she asking me this now?Was I doing something wrong?  Was she not in the mood anymore?  I think about her question for a second.  I’ve been water-skiing once before and well, yeah, I guess I had a decent time, but I am not sure where she is going with this.

“Um, sure, why?” I ask, perplexed.

“Mmm, good,” she says, giggling as she rubs her own breasts.  What comes next is the last thing I’d ever expect anyone to ask me who was not on fire. 

“I want you to pee on me,” she moans.

I take a step back and stare her dead in the eyes waiting for her to say she’s joking. “Are you fucking kidding?” I blurt out in disgust.  “What?” I thought you said you were into it?” She sounds disappointed.

“I, umm,” She cuts me off. “You didn’t think I was actually talking about being on a boat and doing tricks like on some fucking ESPN program did you?” She looks pissed, no pun intended.  “No, of course not, I know, um, what you meant, I um, yeah, okay, I’ll pee on you.”  I try to sound as cool as possible for man that is agreeing to empty his bodily fluids on another human being. “Mmm, good because it really turns me on.”

What the hell did I bring home?  I wanted trashy but this is ridiculous.  I think about telling her she should probably just leave, but looking at her naked sweaty body lying on my bed, I just can’t do it.  I really want her, and if it meant taking a whiz on her, so be it!

“I’ll do it, but I really don’t want to mess up my sheets, I just washed them.”

“Of course not silly,” she says.  “Let’s go into the bathroom, I’ll lie down in the shower.”

My mind immediately races to my bathroom tub.  It’s filthy; I hadn’t cleaned it in weeks.  She can’t see that mess, what would she think of me?  “Okay, just give me a sec.”  Still naked, I run into the bathroom and grab a bottle of Glass Plus from underneath the sink and start scrubbing like a man possessed.  I feel like the poster child for Mr. Clean if he had lived in a nudist colony.  I make that sucker shine within seconds. 

Eve walks in and lies down on the tub.  She looks around curiously.  “Why does it smell like lemons in here?”  “I don’t know,” I say kicking the cleaning fluid under the sink.  I slowly get in the tub and stand over her.  I’m trying not to shake, but I am as nervous as someone about to jump out of a plane without a parachute.  “I just have a few rules,” she says. “Don’t get it on my face or in my hair.”


“Mmm, okay do it.

Maybe there was something wrong with me, but something about this turned me on; possibly because it was something new, maybe it was seeing how turned on Eve was about what was going to go down.  Unfortunately, there is one little problem about being in a state of arousal; it’s impossible to go to the bathroom if you know what I mean.

“Don’t worry, just think of something unsexy,” she says.  Normally this whole situation would top the list of something unsexy, but I have to think of something else at the moment.  Fortunately seeing my naked reflection in the mirror does the trick.  I am ready to go, just one other problem.  I don’t have to go.  I squeeze, but nothing comes out.  I’ve had this same problem when I have to give a sample at the doctor’s office, but I never thought this would be a problem on a date!

“I’ll be right back,” I say.

I head into the kitchen and chug a warm can of Diet Coke. I come back in ready to actually go through with this madness.  I manage to get a little bit out and make sure not to aim at her face.  I can’t look at this.  She moans in ecstasy as it rains down on her stomach.  What the hell am I doing?  Looking down and seeing her enjoy this makes me think twice about actually having sex with her. 

This is not normal!

Finally she gets up and turns on the shower to get washed off.  Well, at least she has enough common sense to do this I think.

“So, can we go back into the bedroom?” I ask peevishly.

“Not so fast cutie,” she says.  “It’s your turn.”

Time seems to stand still after my brain registers what she just said.  My mouth drops and I can only imagine it looks like something you’d see in a cartoon when the character’s face literally hits the floor. 

“My turn?”

“Yes baby, I want to pee on you now,” she says running her hands through my damp hair.

“No!” Way. No fucking way!”

“Oh too bad, I really, really wanted you tonight, but if you’re not going to let me do this, I’ll just have to go home,” she threatens.

Damn, she got me.  Despite everything that just happened, I still really wanted the pee queen.  “Okay,” I shockingly hear myself say.  But it wasn’t me talking, I was thinking with my other head.  I lie down on the cold, wet tub and Eve stands over me.

I can’t quite remember the exact details of what happened next, but all I know was for the first time in my life, having a naked girl standing 3 feet over me made me feel like I was going to cry.  Before she could do anything I jump up accidentally knocking her out of the tub and storm out of the bathroom screaming loud enough so everyone can hear, “I don’t want to go through with this!” 

She says some very hurtful things about my manhood, quickly dresses and heads out the door.  All in all, it was not a very successful first date.  To this day, I cannot go to the bathroom without feeling a little dirty and perverted.

© Copyright 2019 MikeGoldberg. All rights reserved.

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