Bob the son of GOD

Bob the son of GOD

You have heard tell of how the son of our lord came to be. The question is HAVE YOU HEARD THE REAL STORY?

I seriously doubt it!

I however have and it’s like nothing you have been told.

 You probably think that the “messiahs” name is Jesus don’t you? Well I wish to put an end to that RIGHT NOW!

In actual fact his name was Robert ‘bob’ Beckley. I know, I know not as interesting a name as Jesus but that’s neither here nor there.

I would like to tell you the real story of how Bob (as he will called from now on) really came to exist and how this differs from the story you were told about YOU KNOW WHO!

 If you don’t want to know then simply stop reading because whether you like it or not the truth must be told. I know this will not please our friends the Christians, Jews and priests that cling to this ridiculous notion that Jesus was a miracle worker BUT I REALLY DON’T CARE the truth has to come out.

First let’s start with the conception.

In past stories you hear that Jesus was conceived by the “virgin” Mary and “GOD”. Here I can state quite true fully is the bibles first LIE!

 How can a virgin get pregnant?

In them days IVF didn’t exist. The simple science, the chemistry, the physicality doesn’t add up. It’s simply idiotic, what truly naive person could possibly believe this? I for one don’t! 

For Mary to have become pregnant she must have had SEX! Yeah I said it SEX! Shock, horror. It’s physically impossible otherwise. Mary was married and you’re trying to tell me that all throughout their married life Mary and joseph never had sex? That’s preposterous!

Besides we hear how people say that GOD is omnipotent, omnipresent, omnivorous, omniscient etc. etc. I put it to you dear readers how can god be omnipresent if he’s busy getting down and dirty with Mary behind josephs back? What becomes of his followers when they are in need of his “services”? Besides isn’t adultery a sin?

It’s incomprehensible, an outrage a scandal.

Ok you get the drift.

So moving on, Jesus couldn’t have been a miracle conception (in my honest opinion anyway).

Meanwhile, whist all this juicy gossip into Jesus’s conception was taking pace (we will leave that to Jeremy Kyle, I’m sure he can sort it out) another being was being conceived by Adam and Sarah Beckley. Adam and Sarah lived in a small but modest 2 up 2 down house on the outskirts of Kent. Although some may deem it small and pokey it was the perfect place for the newly married couple with its small dainty curtain lovingly made by Sarah, and its strong magnificent mantelpiece hand crafted by Adam, it was truly a beautiful place in which to start a family. Now Adam and Sarah were extremely excited and eager to start a family (well eager to practice anyway wink wink) they ran upstairs flinging off their clothes leaving them scattered on the floor in their wake. Upon reaching their bedroom they proceeded to make hot, passionate love to each other not knowing what the true result of this act would be.

Moving on a few months we find ourselves at the birth. Of course everyone knows how Jesus was born in a manger surrounded by animal in a stinky little inn’s stable after finding no room elsewhere. Firstly this depiction is wrong in terms of what the bible says. Nowhere inside the bible does it mention that the barn in which Jesus was born contained any animal, these have just been put in recent adaptations to appease young children and get them interested in the story. There is no evidence to even suggest that animals may have played any part in the birth of Christ. Although come to think of it the image of a bull with ropes tied around its horns pulling Jesus out of Mary does provide me with some kid of amusement. However we must push on if we are ever to get to the end of this story.

So the story tells of Mary and joseph packing up house and home and riding to Bethlehem, where the prophecy of the lord and saviour being born was told. (I can’t help but feel sorry for the donkey, all that weight it carried on the treacherous journey a kind word was said to it or any gratitude shown PFFT! SOME PEOPLE!) Anyway sorry about that I do tend to get distracted by things. So as I was saying Mary and joseph and THE DONKEY made their way slowly to Bethlehem, where they came across a row of inns. Knocking on the first door joseph asked if there was any room in which his heavily pregnant wife Mary could sleep for the night. The innkeeper too a long look at joseph Mary and their overladen donkey and took an instant dislike (I can’t blame him really, the cruelty they had shown that poor animal. It doesn’t bare thinking about, nowadays they would be done under the animal cruelty act and adverts would be put up on V for good people to sponsor the donkey in his retirement. TUT TUT Mary and joseph TUT TUT). Sorry I really must stop going off on a tangent! What is a tangent anyway? What a silly word! Getting back to the story. Looking at Mary and joseph and the donkey the innkeeper said in a courteous manner “sorry sir we have no room in this inn due to the prophecy that the new lord and saviour will be born any time soon, perhaps you could try the inn next door. With that Mary and joseph proceeded to the next inn.

Knocking on the door joseph looked at Mary and could see how tired she was getting. The second innkeeper came to the door and asked what joseph wanted. Again joseph told the innkeeper about their long journey and their need for a bed at least for one night as his wife was too tired to continue travelling. The innkeeper took a look at Mary and could see just how tired Mary was. The innkeeper was angry at joseph and said “what do you think you are doing making a heavily pregnant woman travel for miles? This is unfair you should be ashamed of yourself!” with that he slammed the door in josephs face whilst shouting “NO ROOM HERE NOW GO AWAY”

At the third inn joseph knocked tentatively on the door dreading the response he may get from the innkeeper. Upon answering the door the keeper asked if he could help. He was a nice kindly fellow and wanted to help very much. When joseph had finished telling him their tale, the innkeeper looked grim and said “I am truly sorry but I just don’t have the room.” Joseph thanked him and turned to leave. “Wait!” said the innkeeper “it may not be much but your wife and mule look like they need to ret, I do have a stable out back. If you want you can spend the night there. The roads are treacherous at this time of night and a storm is rumoured to be on the way”.

“Oh my gosh” exclaimed joseph “that would be wonderful thank you”

Mary and joseph made their way to the barn. Whilst jumping down from their faithful donkey Mary felt a twinge in her stomach and immediately began to panic (who wouldn't? You’re heavily pregnant, been riding for days on a donkey, cobbled roads, I would think I was dying” over reaction I know I know but I would!) Just as passed it off as a bad case of wind her waters broke. This caused panic and mayhem; joseph screamed and ran out to fetch the innkeeper and his wife for help. When they came back a few minutes later it was to find Mary pale and sweating on the stable floor having constructed a makeshift bed from the bales of hay that were lying around. After having a look to see how far gone Mary was, the innkeeper’s wife was shocked to see the baby’s head already out; she didn’t have time to prepare the bull to pull the baby out! (Just kidding, remember before I said no animals were recorded ass being at the birth. Just checking you’re reading properly mwhahahahahahaha). Anyway the birth was over in a flash. Catching baby Jesus the innkeepers wife cleared the airway with some hay turned him upside down and smacked his backside to make him cry. Upon feeling this Jesus started screaming (I would too evil woman how DARE she touch me) a feeling of relief filled the innkeeper’s barn. The innkeeper’s wife handed Jesus over to his grateful mother Mary.

A few hours later 3 men appeared at the barn door and said that they had followed a star to where the son of god was to be born, and it had led them to the barn (nut jobs! Right). They each hand a gift for Jesus: - gold frankincense and myrrh (stupid gifts! Really what can a baby do with them! Surely they have small parts and would be a choking hazard. Jeesh some people just don’t get babies do the!)

Meanwhile on the same night as Jesus was born another boy entered the world kicking and screaming. Hi mother Sarah had been doing some ironing whilst watching her very hi-tech fire burn brightly, when she felt a sudden twang in her stomach that signalled the arrival of her first born son. After a few hours of agony and plenty of gas and air BOB was born a healthy 8lb 6oz (wow what a whopper) nobody came to visit bob, Sarah or Adam. They had heard along the grapevine that a young boy, the son of god as it were, was to be born that same day but thought nothing of it. As it was an uneventful birth, at least not one you would deem fit for the son of god anyway, no one seemed to care that bob had been born (some people still don’t get the way the world works do they)

Anyway the next day in Bethlehem the wise men left and went their separate ways telling how they alone had witnessed the birth of Christ and that he was going to be a great ruler. However upon hearing of this new born bairn king Herod did not rejoice as the rest of the country were doing but instead he angrily ordered he messenger to be hung. Hatred tore through King Herod over the next week. It bore right into his soul until he saw no other action but to destroy this threat, so he ordered that all the boys under the age of 1 slaughtered. Hearing this news Mary and joseph immediately left Bethlehem taking Jesus with them, making their way to pastures new and away from King Herod and his wicked ways.

Sarah, Adam and bob were released from hospital with a full bill of health. Upon arriving home Sarah laid bob in his crib and sang him a sweet lullaby. Gurgling and cooing bob gently fell asleep content in his own little world. Surely nothing would ever bother him.

Now the bible doesn’t mention much about Jesus’s younger adolescent stage. The next significant mention of him is when he reaches his 30’s. So we can only guess what mischief he got up to. We know that her had gathered a following by telling all that would listen that her was the son of god and performing many “miracles”. However these "miracles” were not of his doing oh no! They were the miracles of BOB!!!

A few years previously bob had told his parents he wanted to go travelling and see the world as “young adults” like to do. Sarah and Adam agreed that he should go and said their gut wrenching good byes to him. Bo travelled far and wide until he came to Jerusalem where he saw Jesus for the first time. Bob had many talents and up until now he had kept them hidden as he didn’t want to upset hi parents or worry them as to what would become of him if anyone found out.

When he met Jesus however he seemed to relax and eventually told Jesus what he could do. Of course Jesus was cynical and didn’t believe bob. That was until bob showed him by turning Jesus’s water in to wine. Jesus had never had wine before and thought that this was great. Bob was sure to be rich with all the powers he possessed. Bob was frantic he didn’t want his secret getting out and so voiced his concerns to Jesus. After a long time of quiet deliberation Jesus had an idea. Why didn’t Jesus claim that he was the one performing all these miracles? Bob was confused and in need of more details. Jesus told him that they could travel through Jerusalem and earn money using these “miracles” but make it look as if Jesus was performing them so bob wouldn’t be caught or hurt in the process. Bob took a while to consider this option but decided to go with it.

A few months later they were making a considerable amount of money. Jesus and bob decided to pull their biggest prank yet. They stated that they were going into the dessert for 40 days and 40 nights in order to commune with god. Now in the original well known version of this tale Jesus met the devil and had to pass 3 tests THIS IS NOT TRUE. They went into the desert with backpacks full of food and water and had lots of fun. During their first night Jesus pulled some magic mushrooms from his backpack he ate some and gave some to bob. They hallucinated the devil and had a mini party with him. Later the told how they had defeated he devil by ignoring him and declaring their love for god.

People were following Jesus left and right. Every town he went into people were waiting to be healed. Of course Jesus obliged with bob hidden away in a dark corner muttering incantations and the like. Creating lots of flashing lights and really putting on a show. Wow bob was really talented! Almost makes me want to punch Jesus for getting all the fame whilst bob got none.

A few months later Jesus was holding a sermon on why it is good to love god. 5,000 people showed up. After a few hours people were starting to get hungry and irritable as you would in those circumstances tight shouting into the angry crowd Jesus called for all food to be brought to him. Dismayed yet in awe of this apparently god like figure 2 people came forward. The first laid a loaf of bread at Jesus’s feet and the other laid down a fish. Once they had handed over their goods they backed off into the crowd. Everyone waited anxiously with baited breath, what was this wondrous man going to do next? Winking at bb so he knew what to do jess said a few words that no one understood and the loaf and fish began to multiply till there was enough to feed al 5,000 people that had come to see a miracle.

After having their fill of fish sandwiches the crowd waited for Jesus to start talking once more. Knowing this and starting to run out of things to say, Jesus turned to bob and whispered “ can you make me walk on water?” to which bob replied “maybe I haven’t tried before” Jesus stood up before the crowd and without saying a word walked towards the sea and to everyone’s amazement proceeded to walk on the surface.

After a couple of years bob started to get really annoyed (so would I if it was my work and someone else got the credit). One night whilst everyone was sleeping bob snuck out and told herds men where Jesus was. He also told that Jesus had no real talent and was conning everyone that believed him. Rewarded handsomely bob led Herod’s forces to where his old friend was sleeping. Bob was hoping to sneak back in unnoticed but this was not meant to be. Upon hearing the forces approaching Jesus and his other disciples stood waiting knowing it was futile to run. When he was seized Jesus turned to bob and shouted “you Judas I thought you were my friend and you turned your back on me, you will pay for this!”

Jesus was then crucified as we all know. He was then taken to a cave where his body was laid to rest with a stone in front of the entrance. A stone so big that one man alone could not move it. Feeling guilty at his betrayal and ad about his friends death bob went to the cave and upon seeing Jesus’s dishevelled body burst into tears. “What have I done” he wailed. Hugging Jesus he cried repeatedly that he was sorry. A single tear landed on Jesus’s chest right where his un-beating heart lay. No one knows how or why (not even bob) but the tear acted as a stimulant and jumpstarted Jesus’s heart. Jesus was alive again! Going outside in the morning sun they saw people that were coming to pay their last respects to their fallen hero. Jesus started to falter. At least that was until bob who thinking he owed his friend one last bit of glory decided to send him off in style. A few well-chosen words and Jesus began to float upwards. Realising what his friend was doing Jesus made a short speech to all that followed him. Once the speech was over bob said a few more word and Jesus disappeared forever.

To this day no one knows what happened to Jesus and bob. They only hear the stories people have told through the ages. I would like to send a salute out there to bob in appreciation for what he did an bow down  to the real “son of god” if ever there was one it would be bob I have no doubt about that. I hope that this has filled in some gaps in your knowledge of the true events that took place around Jesus, and one day everyone will know about bob and THE DONKEY. Thank you for reading this and may bob bless you all. Goodnight ad goodbye.