Deathly Hide and Seek

Deathly Hide and Seek Deathly Hide and Seek

Status: Finished

Genre: Romance


Status: Finished

Genre: Romance


When the loss is to great to let go...


When the loss is to great to let go...


Submitted: December 05, 2012

A A A | A A A


Submitted: December 05, 2012




Smoke of cigarette is coming out of my sour lips. Slim, menthol. I like them that way. Taking a deep breath always makes me wonder what another moment holds in store for me. Future should be perfect. It was supposed to be by every mean.

Winter’s coming. I wrap myself more tightly with a green tender blanket. A mug filled with black coffee is located on my lap, as I am sitting on the window sill. With one leg leaning on the balcony railing and the other barely touching the cracked, tiled ground, I’m giving rest to all of my unbearably miserable thoughts. Was I wrong again? Things could be different right now. More clear, wonderfully simplified.

Just like a misty view which I have in front of my eyes that are dried of exhaustion. Old, good city. The dawn is just around the corner, probably most of its habitants will soon wake up, ready to face another day. Not knowing what will it throw in front of their legs, hoping for the best. Even then, even the most optimistic person has to bear in mind that things are not usually going right. Plans do fail. But it doesn’t mean we can’t make the new ones to fill the spaces of these unattainable.

The sun is rising. I should at least take a shower, I guess… Sleepless night is not the best possible solution and in case there have been a few of them earlier already it can only look worse.

A quick glance on the screen of my mobile phone. No messages. No missed calls. You did forget.. 

How awful a broken heart can be? I used to hear that I shouldn’t worry. It’d give my heart a pinch of ache, terrible ache for days. Maybe even weeks. But then? Magically go away. Fade in the shades of the past feelings, being replaced with the promises of the future. Fulfilled upon edges with set goals, motivation for being happy and completed.

I’m not ready for that. I guess I’m too afraid to let go. Bonding to people too soon and too tight was always my biggest mistake. And my greatest fault. What can I do to help it? I can’t. Not having a loving family, always been criticized heavily by my mother…

You changed a lot in my life, did you know about it? In the retrospect, a statement that you’ve been one of the best things that have ever happened to me is not any exaggeration.

Empty bottle of wine is shining weakly under the influence of the very first sun rays. All I want is the taste that your lips allow. Give a little more time to me, please. I promise you won’t regret it. You’ll find your way, knowing deep inside your heart that you made the right decision. But… How vague it that statement… Really. What is a right decision? People tend to be so confident, their esteem use to be unbelievably high… What is it all for? Feeling better, more superior? Over who, those who weren’t fortunate enough to make the thick, black dot at the end of final chapter in the book of happiness?

That’s pointless. 

I slipped on the wet corridor floor. Bang! I’m lying motionless on the cold, wooden battens. Hysterical, weird laugh is coming out of my torn throat. It doesn’t belong to me anymore. My laugh was sweet, comforting and making everyone around me smile…

With whatever was left of my vital strengths I managed to support on my elbows. A hideous apricot flaky paint on the wall seemed to giggle an invitation to lean on it. I didn’t object. 

Funny thing… I faced an enormous built-in wardrobe mirror and a short spasm of agony ran through my body.


-Jenny… You look like hell. Even devil won’t take you out.


Greasy, messy hair that looked like they didn’t see a brush in days. Chocolate brown dye was fading off, living shades of naturally mousey colour that couldn’t be more closely identified. My eyes are empty. Porcelain layer of indifference, covering all of the corneas. I miss you, damn… I miss you so badly. How long it was? Just two days. Feels like years. Without your touch, without the fragrance of your perfumes…


Do you see how much I need you right now? Not being able to handle life on my own. Cause life’s cruel, people are mean and I’m… I’m terrified, sweetheart. You should have taken me with you! Instead you left me here. Half alive, half already dead. Pieces of my heart are missing you so much… Before I didn’t even know it’s possible to love someone with a feeling so deep and meaningful like the one that I gave you as a gift so many years ago. I can only breath, slowly and painfully now. Hoping that you did love me even just a little bit. After all, what else does matter?


Clink of a key that’s been turning inside a lock at the front door. I froze in stillness, listening to the upcoming footsteps. 

-Jenny?! What are you doing, darling? Get up from this dirty floor! Why are you so cold? Come here, you need a nice, hot bath! I’ll make you one…


Strong, protective man’s arms enlace my figure. I’m trembling not sure what am I doing here.

He’s opening the bathroom’s door with one hand, the other still attached to my waist. I felt like a limp puppet, the way he treated me… Soon I found myself sitting naked inside a big bath filled with hot water and aromatic bath cream. Raspberry…

He’s saying something, I clearly don’t know what because I’m not able to respond. Putting my arms around my knees, I burst into tears.

Raspberry… Do you remember? This field full of raspberries. You took me there once. I laughed, you were kissing me so hard… My bra got lost inside bushes, you lent me your T-shirt because I was so worried that my parents would look down on me. Their eldest daughter coming back in the late evening with ears of cereal in my tangled hair, with blush on my cheeks that were inflamed by the heat of exploding feelings. Their eldest daughter dressed only in thin, lace dress that one could see-through. So you have me this bloody T-shirt. I still sleep in it…

I couldn’t stop crying. Hiding my miserable face in my hands, shivering with cold and unbearable pain.

-I miss you…


James was standing by a bathroom’s door, listening carefully to the noises coming from there. He felt like his heart broke in two halves as he overheard Jenny’s cry… Not knowing what was worse: the fact that she was devastated or the one that it made him realize that he was never ‘the one’. No matter how hard he tried, no matter what he did or said… He never will be.

Click. He entered their bedroom and lit a lamp. Beautiful, spacious bedroom that looked like one of those from the pictures in the decorators’ magazines. For happily married people…

Sitting on a soft bed that was littered with floral bedspread, James reached to the cabinet’s drawer. He opened it carefully and took something out.

A dilapidated picture that bore the traces of tears on its edges. Young, handsome man was smiling with his brown, rakish eyes. It looked like he tried to challenge James…

With a sudden urge to destroy this damn picture, he threw it through the room. It landed under the desk, but a soft glimpse of a smile, characteristic for people deeply in love, was still visible from there…

Masochistic love, that what it was. He knew Jenny would never forgot about Philipp. She loved him and he was the chosen one. One and only. He? He was only her rebound, comforting care giver who constantly had to struggle to keep her alive and safe from herself.

-Philipp, you old bastard… It should have been me. You shouldn’t even be in that stupid car that day. Forgive me, friend…

-James? What are you doing?

Sudden appearance of Jenny broke him out of a trance. She looked different. Wearing a cotton towel wrapped around her alluring body, trying to dry her long, wet hair with a second one… Her lips formed a delicate smile. James didn’t answer. He didn’t have to…


I saw a photograph lying under a table at the end of the room… Sighing, I came closer to James. He looked exhausted. I know. I’m terrible. Shouldn’t be like that… 

Taking his face in my hands and looking deep inside his sad, scared eyes I made my decision.


Maybe I should let you go…


-You want to watch a movie? There’s some horror movie, I guess..

-Sure. Come.

When he took my hand in his and I felt this warm propagating through the body, I couldn’t resist.


I miss you. 



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