My Best Friend, Tristan (Part 9)

I told Tristan I’d be moving his stuff out of his dorm room today. He isn’t allowed to do any extraneous activity so I offered to do it. Tristan has most of his memory back and he’s not walking so funny anymore. Which is kinda disappointing because I enjoyed calling him grandpa. We joke a lot now. The reason being that I’ve made the decision to just be Tristan’s friend. Nothing more. Things aren’t so weird when I keep my distance. I think I can settle for knowing that he once had feelings for me.

As I sit here in the middle of his room, looking at all the things I’d have to move out, I wish I had help. I thought about finding Danny and asking him to help, but I couldn’t bear the thought of facing him after watching him basically get raped by Jack. The thought still haunts me. As much as I didn’t care for Danny, I really wanted to make a move that time. Help somehow. But something held me back. Something more powerful than fear. I can’t explain it. But I guess I could be rationalizing my actions. But the thought that Tristan might still love Danny and the shame of having done nothing to help him actually irritates me.

In my effort to finish up the near hour of packing and cleaning, I take down all the posters that hung on Tristan’s wall. Half-naked women mostly. I start to wonder about Tristan. I think about what it was like for him making love to Lanae. Then I think about how he must have made love to Danny. Did it turn him on because it was suddenly a guy sucking him off? Does it feel different when a guy does it? Thinking about being gay always makes me think about Tristan. What would it be like for a guy like Tristan to suck another man’s dick? Would he ever allow it? Knowing how much Tristan loves control, I’m sure it would emasculate him completely. I guess that’s what makes it so intriguing for me to even think about it.

“Knock, KNOCK!” Tristan interrupts this very perverted thought as he walks into his room to see me on the floor amidst all his things. It made me yearn to be one of his things. Then he could touch me all he wanted. I know that’s really pathetic. But when you try to force yourself not to want a guy that every inch of you knows it wants, you kinda get pathetic. Seriously.

The first thing Tristan notices right away is the life size sketch standing up on his bed leaning against the wall. The one from my studio arts class. Yes the one of HIM.

“Kyle. Now that there is a sexy man.” He said as he shut the door behind him.

I love how nothing could ever change who Tristan was. He’d always be a charming flirt.

“Careful, grandpa. Don’t break something,” I joked with him as he made his way into the room. This joke no longer affected him as his limp was now too faint to recognize. But I still said it even if I’d be the only one laughing. Which was every single time.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re trying to seduce me displaying such a fine piece of work so openly.” I’m not really sure if Tristan was talking about my work here or just bragging in the worst way.

“Seducing you would seem very probable if I was expecting you.” I retorted. But maybe something in me was hoping he would show up. That would explain my leaving the door wide open the entire time I spent packing his stuff.

“The doctor said you’re not supposed to do any lifting.” I advised him. He was fine, but just as a safety measure, the doctor insisted that Tristan keep the manliness to a minimum. Not sure how well he was adhering to that advice when it came to sex though.

“That’s alright, I’m just here to watch.” He teased. Tristan was clearly flirting here. But I decided to stay outside of that bubble that he always uses to suck me into his charm.

He walks around the room a bit. I think about the words that Danny said that night. All these years. I’ve thought about those words every day since then. And I thought maybe this could be the thing that Tristan was keeping from me. The more I thought about bringing it up, the more I knew I’d crack our friendship even more. But this made me think that Tristan had to be cheating on Lanae with Danny. Then I thought it might be Danny that he was cheating on. It feels like he’s known him longer. That would mean that Tristan has known he was gay for years. But he just found out. Maybe he had a bi-curious affair with Danny before he met Lanae and never told me because he didn’t want me to know that he was gay. Or maybe I’m just trying to make Tristan out to be a good guy. Maybe he’s just a simple player. He loves sex enough for this to be credible, so why not? And He had kissed Lanae, Danny, and I in the same month. God! This is what happens when I think too deeply into Tristan.

I shake the thought out of my head. He notices me getting up from the floor. Tristan’s bed stood high enough that it met me at the middle of my back, just above my ribs. Tristan takes me in as I stand in this new position stretching.

“I know I play at the sex bit a lot, but I just came here to spend some time with you.” Tristan confesses. He was actually very vulnerable. And I knew this took a lot out of him because he’s used to having dominance. God! He had to change up on me when I was finally learning how the hell to resist his other tactics.

“I miss you.---I mean, I miss being around you, Kyle.”

He was so earnest. I didn’t think Tristan was capable of this if it didn’t involve sex. This actually aroused me. I can’t believe he’s really gotten to a new level of manipulating my body. No touch, no tease, no hot caressing breath. Just knowing how much he cared got me hard. I wanted to give up everything of course and just give myself to him right then. But I thought how complicated that life with Tristan would be. A long moment passes without a word. Then Tristan leans into me and kisses me. Our third kiss. This time it was pure affection he intended. For those five amazing seconds, I felt Tristan’s lips, and nothing else. Then he pulls away.

Seeing that I wanted more, he proceeded to draw closer to me with his eyes fixated on my lips, preparing himself to rock my world. I knew I wasn’t ready for this but, I also knew how much I wanted it. And Tristan was great at knowing what I wanted. He kisses me wilder than before, forcing me against his bed.

“Tristan?” I mumble with my lips still locked into his. Tristan was completely lost in the moment pressed up against me. His arms wrapped around my body. Then, he shoves his tongue into my mouth. Holy shit! Fuck! Why does that feel so good? I relax into this as Tristan continues to twirl his tongue around mine. I know we’ve only kissed three times, but why the fuck hasn’t he done this before?

I felt the room climb too many degrees above normal. Tristan trailed his way down my neck and began sucking forcefully. I made a sudden fist to keep myself from moaning too loadly. By now I could feel myself completely wet. I fight my urge as much as I could.

“Tristan?” I sound through my pleasure. Tristan begins pressing his tongue against my skin. Shit. I wanted to focus on him but Danny was all I could think about. I became desperate not to submit to Tristan.

“---How long have you known Danny?” I blurted out. Damn it. I didn’t want that question to come out then. I imagined I’d give myself sufficient time to better structure it. And even bring it up at the right moment. But I was tired of sitting around wondering who Tristan really was. He says nothing at first. Just seemed like I had ruined his flow.

“It’s just that the doctor said you wouldn’t be able to recognize anyone recent in your life. You had no clue who Lanae was and yet…” I didn’t think I needed to finish. I figured from the look in his eyes he pretty much got where I was going. That look said it all. Tristan had known Danny longer than he led on.

“You’re gonna have to trust me on this one, Kyle. It’s not important how long I’ve known Danny.” He warned. He was expecting me to just drop it. But I was only allowing Tristan one free pass and he already had it signed out. I continued trying to force answers out of him. As much as he reverted, he was becoming frustrated.

“Why do you always force things that you can’t handle? You did the same thing with that damn kiss I was willing to walk away from because of how uncomfortable you were. I would have found Lanae and fucked her somewhere and got it out of my system. But you decided to kiss me and you’ve been running from me since. Now you’re asking me to tell you something I know you can’t handle.”

“If you won’t tell me, then I’m leaving this friendship for good.” Something in me had decided that this was the day that I’d make Tristan spill at all cost. I suddenly began making Threats that I didn’t understand. Like how was it really at Tristan’s loss if I stopped being his friend?

“Wait.” He called. I stood there anticipating what Tristan would say next.

“I’ll tell you if you promise not to leave.”

“What is it?”

“Promise.”

“Fine.” I brushed aside. Tristan didn’t seem convinced but he seemed more weighed down by what he had to tell me.

“Five years.” He finally frees from his throat. I stood there in complete disbelief. That was impossible, I thought. I have never seen Danny before in my life. Did he have a life outside of our friendship?

“You knew you were---”

“Yes. I knew.” He confessed.

This was really starting to feel like a dream. Yes. It has to be one. Because Tristan’s not a lying cheating asshole. He’s perfect. He couldn’t have been with Danny and Lanae at the same time. And he would not have kept something this big from me for five years. Tristan tries to take my hand. I jerk away from him. My confusion muddles my thinking and everything starts feeling out of place.

I push him away when he comes closer. I think he could see I was seconds away from the decision to storm out. So he continued to pursue me. And the more he did, the more irritated I became.

“I didn’t think you’d understand.” He yells after me still trying to take my hand.

“That you’re gay or that you’re a fucking cheater?”

"It's complicated."

By now Tristan should have known how dangerous it was to keep coming near me. But he kept doing it. And soon I began hitting him just for the satisfaction. It was finally obvious to me that our 16 year friendship meant nothing to him. Maybe we haven’t been friends at all. Maybe I’ve just been one long burden that he had to carry.

A trance takes over me as I finally make the decision to kill Tristan. I would keep hitting him and shoving him around until he could not breathe another breath!

“Kyle, please stop!” I hear him beg through his pain. I shove him harder and harder. He crashes into his wall, desk and soon, his lamp. I think I just burned him.

Shit! Why can’t I stop. What’s wrong with me? Did I really say kill Tristan? Why is this happening now? This can’t happen again. Tristan means everything to me.

These are thoughts I wish I was speaking out. Maybe Tristan might have helped me get through it. The last time I attacked him like this, I did want to kill him. But how could I allow these feelings to come back?

I have to leave, I tell myself. Otherwise I would kill Tristan. I start to leave but he pulls me back.

“You said you wouldn’t leave me.” Tristan continues pulling me. What is wrong with him. He’s doing it again.

“I can’t stay here.”

“I don’t care. You promised!” Tristan declared. He pulls me back and holds me up against his bed by my shoulders. I did promise. But I how can I stay? Why couldn’t he see?

It didn’t matter because I decided to free myself from him and just stay as far from him as possible.

With every force I could garner up, I pushed Tristan into the wall and headed for the door. He keeps calling out to me.

“Please don’t leave me again!”

I am overwhelmed by Tristan’s plea as I stand behind the door gripping the handle. I can feel Tristan is about to cry and it completely takes hold of me. I realize that he’d rather have me here hurting him, than leave. Why? I turn around to satisfy his plea only to find Tristan gripping Danny tightly. Shaking him.

“Kyle come back!---Kyle, please stay with me!” The entire room goes black. And all I can see is Tristan standing there. Tears now streaming down his face, and yelling my name right in Danny’s face. It scared the hell out of me. This dream I wished would end, just never did. Just more tears. And more pleads from Tristan to someone that wasn’t me. I soon began to shake myself from this new world that felt so much like a dream. I jolt my eyes open only to find myself in Tristan’s grip. In the same room. In the same moment.

My confusion had to be inscribed in my face as I looked at Tristan who was still crying and begging me to stay with him. It was only a matter of seconds before he realized that I was completely unreactive. Just shocked.

“Kyle.” He half questioned. He takes a better look at me and a smile pours through the tears. “Kyle!” His excitement fills the room. I still hold a puzzled expression trying to understand what’s going on. I hadn’t had dreams like these since Tristan’s coma.

“You came back.” He holds me. I am still unresponsive. My mind seems to be dimensions away from this moment. Then I attempt verbal contact with him. But as rational as I wanted to be, my anxiety only took over.

“I saw Danny. Why was Danny here?” I panic thinking that there could be no rational explanation for this. Tristan tries to keep hold of me.

“Kyle, just relax and stay here with me.” Tristan calms me. Then he becomes relaxed. I this point my anxiety subsides, but my mind was still running a marathon to a finish line that would never come. Tristan just holds me in his arms. And at this moment, I feel comfortable to just trust myself in his arms. I sink into Tristan’s embrace and stay there. Although none of what I saw made any more since even now, I am at peace with Tristan.