My Best Friend, Tristan (Part 12)

I think we fell asleep. I woke up with Tristan’s arms around me in his bed. Waking up this way felt better. I wanted to be held like this. I feel so close to him, I don’t even want to move. My eyes wander around his room feeling at peace. There’s the brown paper bag that holds Tristan’s meds. Just sitting there. I feel pulled to find out what’s inside. He isn’t going to tell me, so why not?

I move for the dresser trying not to wake Tristan. I slowly rise out of bed and look back at him. He’s peacefully undisturbed. I look at the paper bag now taunting me. I reach for it and grasp it in both hands. What’s in it? What is he taking? I start to wonder if I can afford to find out. Finding out about Danny was already too much to handle.

I place the bag back on top of the dresser but couldn’t let it go. I want to help him so much. But what if I can’t help him once I find out what’s in here? Tristan’s just never needed me the way I need him. But what if he does now? And what if he doesn’t?

Suddenly I snatch the bag open and pull out the meds. I stare at them unable to react passed my shock. Two bottles. CYPROTERONE ACETATE. I’ve never heard of this one. What does it do? Fine print doesn’t really say anything in human English. Just bigger doctor words than the name of the meds themselves. I start hoping it’s not something for depression. But that didn’t matter because the second bottle clearly was. Severe Depression. WELLBUTRIN. I slam the bottles on the dresser in frustration. These are the pills I saw him take. In a matter of fifteen hours I manage to discover that our world is more fucked up than it ever was. And he’s been taking this all on his own.

I turn my head only to see myself standing in the mirror on the back of Tristan’s door. Me. Scars and all. Pathetic, scrawny me. I walk closer to face myself. I stand there just trying to figure things out. “Danny?” I speak lowly.

He must be there right? Staring back at me. Waiting for his chance to come back out. What if I could make him go away for good?

“Danny!” I called more firmly this time. “You’re there, aren’t you?”

I begin to look mean. Trying to intimidate him.

“You have to go away now! I don’t need you anymore!” I commanded.

“KYLE!” Called an angry concerned voice. Suddenly Tristan comes leaping out of bed.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“I have to make him go away.”

“Are you crazy? Do you have any idea what Danny goes through for you when you’re hiding?” Tristan yells at me. I begin to feel his true anger again. The one he never lets out.

“You’re not ready to do this on your own.”

“He’s taking over my life and he’s not even real.”

“He’s real enough to fight your battles.”

“I still have the scars so what does it matter!?”

“You might have the marks but he takes everything else. The emotional. The physical. The verbal. You need Danny.”

“No you need Danny!”

“No, Kyle! Please listen to me.”

“You just like that he lets you fuck him.”

“Kyle, please.” Tristan slowly reaches for me and wraps his arms around me.

“We’ll work on it, Kyle. But you have to get better.” Tristan nurses me in his hold. I suddenly felt like a child being comforted. “Danny’s not a threat. He’ll go away. But I can’t let you send him away when you’re not ready.”

Tristan holds my head above his chest and cradles me. I feel our bodies relaxing in unison. I only sit in his hold taking in everything Tristan had told me.

“Kyle. Danny is one of the strongest and bravest people I know. That could be you. But you run from everything. You always have.”

He lifts my head up to face him. He starts to push my hair back away from my face, looking at me adoringly. Tristan’s eyes when he is turned on by something are magical. He continues to run his fingers through my hair pointlessly now. He smiles at me. Seemed like he was entertaining an inside joke that I was supposed to join in on. I smile warmly feeling Tristan’s love.

“Danny will always have me until you fight for me. Until you prove to me that you do love me. Danny’s done it more than you’ll ever know. And he deserves me---Are you gonna fight for me?”

I remain silent for a moment. Then I get up and walk out of the room. A determined look in my eyes. Suddenly I feel myself getting Dizzy as I walk the long hall. My heart pounds faster as my brain starts to catch up with my actions. I could feel Danny fighting to surface and rescue me. But I did everything to keep him away. I was going to feel this if it killed me.

“Kyle.” I hear Tristan call behind me. “Kyle where are you going?”

I near Mr. Aramai’s door and he comes sprinting out on his phone.

“Mr. Aramai.” I sought his attention.

“If you’ll just give me half an hour---.” He speaks into the phone.

“Mr. Aramai!”

He continued walking passed Tristan’s door where Tristan was now standing looking at him.

“Dad.” He tried to aid me in getting his father’s attention.”

“Yes, I know time is money, Truman.”

“Mr. Aramai! I’m in love with your son!” I snapped.

He stops in his tracks. I wasn’t sure if he cringed at the thought of it or was just surprised by my assertiveness. But he paused there for a moment, and then continued to run out.

I felt my face burn with humiliation. He didn’t even care how much it took for me to say that. It was one of my greatest fears to be shrugged off by people. For them not to care what I had to say. I start to feel empty and discarded. Tristan looks at me in my shame and smiles to himself. Then he disappears into his room.

That was a good sign, right? I could feel Tristan was actually proud of me. Then I realized that if I could always think about making Tristan happy, maybe it’d be enough to get me through any anxiety.

***

“You can’t catch me, beast of the east!” Goes the taunt of a stout little girl running away from Tristan. He calls her Princess, but her name’s Amaya or something. She must be about four or five now, but she swears she’s going to marry Tristan.

I can’t really remember the last time I spent this much time outside. I guess it was around the time Tristan was going through physical therapy. But it’s nice to finally be out again. To have the cool breeze of a late summer afternoon hitting my face. Sitting here, I feel like I can forget for a moment all the complications of my life. Tristan chases Amaya.

Amaya screeches as Tristan nears behind her. Tristan lifts her over his shoulder and she catches an attack of laughter. One of those that reminds you of tickling someone to death. Suddenly a crowd of girls Amaya’s age come pooling around him as he spins her in the air.

“The beast of the east is now KING!” Tristan declares.

“Noooo---” She objects. I was behind the focus of inbincibiliteee!”

“Ohhh!! That’s right. The fortress of invincibility.”

“You keep forgetting your magic op-pics.” She giggles.

All around the park are scattered eyes looking on at their children as they make their way to Tristan. Tristan’s certainly popular with the ladies. Seems like gay guys like Tristan tend to charm woman even more. I guess it’s the hope that they might have a chance at turning them straight.

The crowd of girls jump all around Tristan competing for his attention to be picked next. Tristan looks so happy. I feel like he never gets this joy being stuck with me. In rooms most of the time. I keep feeling as though I need to free him. Finding out about Danny makes me realize that Tristan’s had to give up so much just to look after me.

I knew he’d keep his promise to never let me take the meds that made me suicidal, but I didn’t realize how much it took for him to keep that promise.

“Will you summon your royal hermit to bring my magic optics, your highness?” Tristan bows.

 “Royal hermen, I summon you!”

“Come on Kyle, you’ve been summoned.” Tristan yells to me.

“Yeah! Disordience is punishable by deaf!” Amaya yells.

“Oh no your Highness! I will get him at once.”

Tristan puts her down in the pool of girls. He starts running over to me. He pulls out his phone and looks at the screen, then puts it to his ears.

“Lanae!---Are you kidding me? Lanae? Lanae!” He clicks the phone off.

“Who was that?” I smirked rising to stand next to Tristan.

Tristan pushes me and laughs through his frustration. I don’t think I’m really funny, but when Tristan gets my jokes it makes me feel good.

“I can’t believe she’s not coming.---Sorry man. I didn’t think we’d be here this long.”

Apparently Lanae had promised Amaya she’d take her to the park today when her camp let out. Only she suddenly got caught up at her internship and couldn’t come get her.

I’m sure she’s still in love with Tristan and I get the feeling that she did this so she could see him. But it surprised me that she didn’t show up.

Tristan looks at the group of girls now chasing each other. He smiles, and I swear he looks like a proud father. Suddenly I’m thinking about Tristan as a father and can’t get the thought out of my head. I get so caught up in how Tristan’s face lights up, I hadn’t noticed the young boy that now stood at Tristan’s feet staring up at him.

“Well, hello!” Tristan kneels in front of him. “What’s your name?”

“Tristan.” The kid proclaims.

“What Trist? Kyle this little guy’s name’s Tristan.” Tristan expresses his fancy with this coincidence. He was usually taken by things like that.

“Can you spin me around too?”

“Alright buddy, I want you do me a favor first.”

“Okay!” He loudly accepts.

“You see that girl right there?”

“Hn-huhn.”

“She’s a very special princess. I want you to give her a special delivery.”

“Eww. A flower? It means I like her.”

“No, this is a very special flower.”

“It is?”

“Yeah. She has to use its magical powers to restore the kingdom of----Ergh---ummm.”

“Ergum? Is that in the Netherlands? Okay!” He snatches the flower from Tristan and dashes away. Tristan’s shock is still draped across his face.

“Did that kid just say the Netherlands?” He stands up next to me humored by the kid who is now presenting the flower to Amaya in a bowed knee. And again his eyes shine pure love. I just have to kiss him. It’d be a great step to kiss him right here in public. Telling his dad was tough, but to kiss Tristan right now would show him that I am willing to risk a lot for him. It’s certainly part of the list of things I have to break from my disorder.

Without giving myself the chance to change my mind, I raise myself a few inches and kiss Tristan on his cheeks. Tristan turns to face me. Then he leans in to kiss me. He takes my lips and I could feel him releasing in me. I pull away. My face burned up and I could feel the whole world watching me.

“Sorry.” Tristan apologizes seeing my reaction. “I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time.”

All he wants to do is show me love and I won't let him do that.

Tristan’s driving us back home. I don’t get so nervous anymore. But I think about his accident every time I see him behind the wheels. Amaya is sitting in the back seat swinging her feet back and forth. Tristan from time to time looks in the mirror at her and smiles.

“I’m gonna drive your car when we get married.” Amaya declares looking at Tristan in the rearview mirror and laughing. Tristan looks back at her charmed by her laugh. She looked a lot like Lanae, and I thought that was part of Tristan’s love for her.

“You hear that, Kyle? I think someone’s calling dibs. Aren’t you gonna fight for me?”

Tristan had no problem talking like this to Amaya. He personally told her that he likes men. It was a lot to fathom. I still don’t think she really gets it. But she tries to go along with it so she can seem grownup and wise. Or maybe she does but doesn’t really get the difference yet.

 “I don’t think he wants to fight for me, Princess.”

I hadn’t realized it, but I was unusually quiet. Tristan looks at me trying to gage a response. I don’t say anything. I was only thinking about how I pulled away from him when he tried to kiss me. I guess all that probably just pushes him more into Danny’s arms.

He looks back in the rearview mirror at Amaya.

“Looks like I’m all yours.”

“That’s his loss.”

Tristan looks back at me. He sees I am not in on their interaction. I actually wasn’t all that present at all. Just thought about Danny. I am still nowhere near offering Tristan the attention that Danny does. And he has a right to be happy. I only wish I didn’t have to deal with it as often as I do.

He takes a hand and places it on mine. He is switching focus back and forth between me and the road. I sink into my seat and fall asleep.

***

”Huh-huh-huh. Mmmm.” Tristan’s intoxicating moan.

I woke up in the middle of them doing it again. GOD!!!

“Tristan, harder!”

He’s bent over just right for him. I start to circle around the room. Wishing I could make it stop. I just can’t take it anymore. I wanted more than anyone to believe that Danny wasn’t worth getting jealous over. But I can’t feel anything he does to him. I’m not even around most of the time.

“Ooo, Tristan!”

Danny’s face is pressed against Tristan’s bed in a mix of pain and pleasure.

“Huh-huh-huh.” Tristan becomes more breathy now. His sweat starts running down his face and body.

“Yes, Tristan.” Danny moans. The way he kept saying Tristan’s name irritated me even more.

“GOD dammit, Tristan! Do you have to fuck him every chance you get?” I exploded at him hoping it’d make a difference.

“Faster, Tristan!”

“Shut uuuupppp! Shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP!” I lost it. Then I found myself in the worst pain of my life. Tristan fucking ME. I groan inwardly as Tristan thrusts in and out of me. The more he trusts, the tighter I get. I give the loudest scream of my life. It was excruciating. He suddenly stops.

“Kyle?---Fuck!”

I start crying, as I could feel the blood dripping from my still throbbing hole. Suddenly a cool air hit my ass. Then another. And another. I hear Tristan taking deep breaths as his tears dripped on my ass. Suddenly he breaks down in an agonizing cry.

“Why?” He groans. I felt in his tone that he might be disappointed in me. I continue sobbing like a child trying to hold back tears now.

“I just wanted you to stop fucking him.” I didn’t know that would happen. I didn’t want my first time with Tristan to be like this. I wanted the truth of who Tristan was inside me. And Tristan was gentle. Sweet. Loving.

“Sorry, Kyle.” Tristan crawls over me and wraps himself around my body. My crying subsides. I just remained dazed. My ass still throbbed and burned like hell. But Tristan holding me made it easier to handle.