Don't let me go

Y/N  HOSEOK

 

Don’t let me go.

 

I don’t know how long I’ve been here for. How long i’ve been sitting on this dirty stool and changing down shot after shot. The sky is dark, few drinks appeared and disappeared from my sight and the crowd is getting smaller. It must be late already. I don’t know why I keep coming here right after work and stay so late that the owner needs to drag me through the doors. I know that she’s home, that she is waiting for me to come back. I can’t quite figure it out. This situation is fucked up.

 

Our relationship is a mess but neither of us is ready to walk out if it. I love her so much. I don’t want to hurt her but I do every day. Every time I go home to her swollen red eyes, I feel my heart braking that little bit more. And I know that her heart is braking too, probably worse than mine. And I know that I’m to blame. She’s always been a step ahead of me in the relationship. She was the one who asked me out after years of perfect friendship. I was so scared to put my heart on the line and have it broken into pieces.

 

But she took care of it. She was the frist to utter those three words and she didn’t blame me when I didn’t say them back. I wanted to say it back but I couldn’t. It felt like the words were stuck in my throat and it took me about a month to get them out. But she never lost hope. She never thought I could share her feelings. She thought that I had issues to work on that I’d be ready to open up someday. And she slowed down her pace to follow mine. She never pressured me into anything.

 

“Were closing now mate.” The bartender, Dan tells me. I guess it’s time for me to go home, time to face the sadness of her face. I wish for her to be asleep already but I know she’ll be awake. It’s the same scenario every night. She waits. For me to walk into our living room to go and lock the door of our bedroom, leaving me to sleep on the sofa. She’s been crying all evening. I feel the wetness of her tears on the cushion every night and fall asleep hating myself that little bit more.

 

I give Dan enough money to cover my tab for the two previous nights and walk myself out. The air is so cold that it burns my lungs. It’s almost painful but I take it all without whining. I deserve the pain. It’s nothing compared to what I make her go through every day.

 

Sometimes, I wish I didn’t fall in love with her. It’d be so much easier to let her go it these feelings didn’t get in the way. It’s pathetic how I can’t picture my life without her but still do anything I can to push her away. I make her feel unwelcome in our apartment and in my life. All of our friends look so happy in their relationship. It feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to make her happy anymore. I wish I knew how to fix things between us but I’m scared it’s too late for that. And walking into the apartment to see her sitting on the couch, empty gaze lost in space, makes me realise that im righter then I’d ever want to.

 

“Do you know what today is?” Y/N asks, sounding so tired and weak. It’s Friday; the Twelve  of Feb. I’m trying to remember what it means to her and to us but my memory is blank. She’s asking me because I should know. Its only six days till my birthday. I’ve never been a big fan of getting older for it means I should get smatter and wiser than the year before. The only birthday I actually enjoyed was my eighteenth. Y/N and I had just gotten together.

 

“Our anniversary” I breath out as realisation hits my head. I can’t believe I forgot our third anniversary. I’ve seen the date a million times today. It should have hit me. I shouldn’t have had to come home to have my girlfriend reminding me that it’s been exactly three years since our frist date.

 

“I’m so sorry, Y/N I didn’t realise I’ll make it up to you. Let me make it up to you” I beg and plead with her, desperate to have another chance but I know that I’m too late. Sorry won’t cut it this time. She won’t go to bed and sleep It off. She won’t try to act normal in the morning even if she knows it’ll always be the say story.

 

“It won’t take a fancy restaurant or expensive holidays to make it better this Time Y/N. You can’t make it up to me anymore”  Y/N  says sadly and takes a step back. Thats when I notice the suitcase next to the couch. Her suitcase. And I finally understand that I did it. I’ve push her over her limits. She’s giving up the fight. Its over. See’s leaving me.

 

“We can work things out, Y/N I’ll be home more often and I won’t ever let you don’t again. I can be a better boyfriend to you”

 

“No you can’t. You’ll never be  in the relationship completely because you’re too afraid to have your heart broken. You can’t make it work if your not ready to lose yourself just a little.”

 

“But I love you” I reply, hoping it’ll make her rethink her decision but know that it won’t. See’s done trying to see the best in me. And she’s finally seen me for what I really am. a loser afraid of what her feelings  could do to her. I can’t make her hold on when I’m not. I. Get it now; the saying about how you should let the people you love go.

 

“I’ll miss you.”

 

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here for. How long I’ve been sitting on this dirty stool and chucking shot after shot. The sky is dar, few drinks have appeared and disappeared from my sight and thee crowd is getting smaller. It must be late already. I used be a regular drunk here, coming every day after work and staying till closing time. But it’s been exactly one year since I last walked though theses doors; a year since Y/N broke up with me. I haven’t seen her since that night. I guess it’s better that way. It’s easier to move on when you have nothing to hold on to. Expect that I didn’t move on.

 

As. Pathetic as it is, I’m still in love with her. I’ve been with a couple of girls over the last year but everyone seems so empty next to Y/N. Maybe it’s just another excuse to not commit to anyone. I  wish I could say that I changed but that’d be a lie. I want to believe that I’ve learned from my mistakes and that I will not do them again but the truth is that I still don’t know how to put my heart on the line and give my all to someone. The only difference is that im not afraid to do it anymore long as it’s with the right person.

 

I tried to find her. I called everyone she knew from her friends to her mother but she’d didn’t want me to find her. Someone once told me that if two lovers were meant to be together, then nothing would ever be able to keep them apart. I believed it for a few weeks; believed that she’d come back and I’d  be able to make it up to her. But the harsh reality of life is that when you brake sdneon’s heart, you never get a chance to mend it.

 

“I knew I’d find you here.” Y/N’s voice fills my ears but I don’t turn around. It happened so many times before. I know now that it’s all in my head. I’ll look over my shoulder to see strangers talking and laughing together. She’s not here anymore and she’ll never come back.

 

“Whisky, the only thing you never had a problem with committing to” she jokes and I sigh. It sounded like something she couldn’t say but not something I could think of. It’s not in my head thistle. She really is here, taking a seat right next to me. I feel the need to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming but the fact that she looks different from the woman I used to date is a good enough reality check. She looks happier than I remember, which must be normal seeing I’m no longer making her miserable.

 

“It’s been a while” I state the obvious. Her smile disappears for just a few seconds, her eyes flicker to the empty glass in front of me. Her sister told me that she’d moved back to the usa after the brake-up. It didn’t surprise me. She’s never felt right here in South Korea; always been a little homesick. She only stayed here for so long because of me. I only get to realise now just how much she had given up for me and how little I thanked her for that.

 

“I miss you/“ I confess with the weaker voice ever heard. I could have opted for small talk; could have asked her what brought her back to South Korea. I could’ve questioned her on her life now but I didn’t want to know the answers. I didn’t want to know that she moved on and is now happy with another guy.

 

“I miss you too” she responds. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know that it doesn’t mean anything. She may be in a happy relationship with a lucky guy. Either way, she’ll probably never take me back. Not after the last few months of our relationship. I could have saved it but I didn’t even try. It took for her to leave me to realise everything I should have done but didn’t.

 

“Do you believe in second chances? I ask her quietly. The words coming out from my mouth before I even think them. The nastier won’t change anything will? Even if she does believe in second chances, it doesn’t mean she’ll be willing to give me on. How could she trust me again when I hurt her more than I ever wanted to? No, I don’t deserve a second chance with her.

 

“I believe that everything has be alright for it be ok in the end” she says with a smile and I feel her hand on my knee, discreetly resting there without as much as a squeeze. I think I understand the underlines of it. Things might never get back to how they were before. We may never get back together or be as good friends as we used to be. But it doesn’t really matter because we can start fresh. We can be a different better.