when all we know is home

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Adult Romance  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group

I sat ogling the hand written emblem placed strategically on my index finger. The letters H.L. He would be what seemed like light years away from me now. A soft gloom rushing over my thoughts for just a brief moment. So many years ago I had done it, unintentionally, but still.. he would never let me forget.

That day I had wanted so badly to explain I had lost it in my own thoughts.. Home. He was always so 'spaced' in his own world I think that nothing I said could have sunk in deep enough to reach the depths of his understanding. I lived a hard life, one I so expertly hid from even my very best friend. I had thought of him the entire time.. thinking how unfair it would be for me to drag him along into my misery. He, so aloof and so determined hadn't seen my efforts. He didn't understand, I know I never did find the words to explain and when I did..he was too.. HIM to listen.

I let him rule for a moment and I rebuked his crown the second I realized our kingdom may have fallen. I wouldn't stand to see it fall in such a way so by choice, before force, I made the hard decision. Everyday I want to regret it. I want to beat my head against the wall and repent for it. Be punished for it.

I let him go. I did it. I broke him and by way of my own ignorance. He did listen, he had seen and I had doubted him in silence. I had turned my back too soon not wanting to thrust him into my cluttered world. Thinking that I had fooled him, thinking that I had hidden my heart from him as I did everyone before.

Now I understand. Why he didn't.

I look up so that I can catch the breeze across my watering eyes. Yeah, I did it. Part of me wants to tell myself that It were for him, to protect him from my world of empty despair, my life of torment and neglect. It was much easier to believe.

Truth is.. I wanted to protect myself from him. From the one thing that held on to me so tightly I felt that if it had dissapated I would melt and disappear. I loved him.. love.. him.

I glance again with a smirk at the brand I had drawn on my index finger as a familiar rumble coarses through the air drawing closer and closer.

I thought I had done the right thing but every second thought made my heart hurt a little for the mistake I had made.. the mistake I made him live with for so long.

And yet..

The rumbling slows to a stop. There was a voice, low in it's timbre. "Get up.. C'mon".

My heart slowing with ease as my thoughts shift to the present. I died over and over year in and year out waiting to ask, waiting..

For, him. I did it. Ieft, I took his crown and I placed it upon my own head. Yes, I was to blame for the tears because I had done the one thing he had proven over and over again that he would never do to me. I didn't want to believe thay I could be that vulnerable.


I looked up thinking how foolish I had been. He always knew, and he didn't care.. that never tore him away from me, not in eight years. I can imagine that he was a bit taller, a lot stronger..Still.

I made a choice for him that I had no right to make years ago and he would never let me forget it. With every look and every touch.

He tried so hard to explain, I had lost it.. Home, and in my own thoughts. I guess that nothing he could say then could sink into the depths of my understanding. Me being too ME to listen.

"What are you thinking about?"

That low growl, knowing the answer. He never asked a question like this, that he didn't know the answer to.

I stand and walk towards that always warm, always familiar voice. Peering in from the passenger side at him. Pale eyes like diamonds staring back at me, his mouth curving to form a longing smirk.

I part my lips and say, " Have you ever wondered how strange it is to be here?". He leans closer to the passenger side patting that seat as if to say "jump in".

I open the door unloading my heavy bag, placing it between my feet before elaborating..

"I thought that I had done an excellent job of hiding from everyone"..

"You did, it's just that sometimes.. we grow tired of hiding. Realization of vulnerability sets in and, well I guess we think that the best thing to do is to reinforce the armor." he says as he begin turning around to drive in the opposite direction than what he came.

"Yeah, I guess it just proves one thing they write in fairytales is true.." I look over to see the question filling his eyes.

" I thought that maybe somehow you would find it.. I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't want to feel what I felt from everyone my whole life.. from the one person who could make me feel that.. I just wanted you to find it and be sure".

He looks away from the road at me for a split second asking , "Find what?.. I wasn't looking for anything, everything I wanted was right in front of me.. pushing me away."..

I look out of the window and notice how wonderful the colors of the world were.

"Home", I say.. "I guess I just didn't see it.

"See what?"

"I was it.. so many years ago, I thought the best way to protect it was to knock it down before anyone else could. Yet, really like an idiot threw it away .."

I hush. There i was again putting a mirror in front of myself. So much fear was i my heart then, so much.

He chuckles half heartedly.. "You were a lost puppy. Not your fault you had it rough. I'm just glad that you know where we go when we finally do wake up".

I smiled knowing that he knew finally what I meant.. "And where is that?", I asked awaiting the answer I had dreaded out of fear of abandonement. The answer that made me leave. The answer that took me eight years to ready myself to hear . Yeah, that same answer that made me realize that I had to.. I just had to.

I look back at the shirt thrown across the seat behind.. the initials branded over the silk white patch. Reading "H.L".

He looks over shaking off whatever thought he had lingering in the corner of his mind and says,"Where else would you have gone.. Where else could I have gone? When all we know is home?".

Home, I think. "Exactly".

Submitted: December 24, 2016

© Copyright 2021 Krea Liz. All rights reserved.

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