Biography of a nowhere man

Biography of a nowhere man Biography of a nowhere man

Status: Finished

Genre: Non-Fiction


Status: Finished

Genre: Non-Fiction


The story of myself.Am i a madman? an idiot? some kind of lobster like creature? Read and find out.


The story of myself.Am i a madman? an idiot? some kind of lobster like creature? Read and find out.

Chapter1 (v.1) - Biography of a nowhere man

Author Chapter Note

The story of myself.Am i a madman? an idiot? some kind of lobster like creature? Read and find out.

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: March 20, 2012

Reads: 548

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: March 20, 2012



  Biography of a nowhere man

Okay, so where do I start. Wherever I want I suppose, today is March 17th 2012 and I am 20 years old. Now there a few things I want to clear up before I get too heavily into this. Firstly, yes I’m aware that since I am writing about myself that it’s actually an autobiography; but to have said autobiography instead of biography would have made the title annoying. Secondly, I used the term nowhere man to describe the directionlessness and social invisibility of myself; even though I actually stole the term from the movie “ yellow submarine “ a character the Beatles come across named Jeremy/nowhere man. He’s some kind of hideously deformed looking monkey thing. If you’ve ever seen the way South Park depicts God ….basically that. I hated that movie; I only remember 3 things from it. The blue meanies, the glove, and nowhere man.

There will be no tales of great triumph, no climbing of Mount Everest no Seduction of beautiful foreign women nor any mention of overcoming personal demons in order to achieve some crazy pie in the sky dream I had. So if that’s what you’re looking for this writing will certainly be disappointing.  Humph, I realize as I write this that it sounds pathetically like the opening in the ‘series of unfortunate events ‘books heh, how appropriate.

  You might ask yourself, what’s the point then? Every story whether fact or fiction needs some type of conflict to be interesting. That is true, so I guess the conflict here would probably be that I’m a social deviant of almost every sort. I’m a criminal, a sexual deviant, frankly a blatant racist, a self-hatter and general human hatter. See the problem mostly comes from the fact that I’m not a person; at least not from what I’ve seen of the rest of humanity.

Since it is impossible for me to collect the whole of myself in any kind of chronological or full order; I will be jumping around quite a bit from topic to topic with many side notes on things I like or dislike. In a way that’s probably for the best, gives you a sense of the way I think; haphazardly and erratic with little if any sense of direction. An example that might help to drive that home for people who aren’t like me (so everyone else) would possibly be a quick look at the songs on my mp3. Some people, idiot fools mostly, make judgements of people from the music they listen to. So enslaved are they by the satisfaction of one of our core senses (hearing) that it becomes a large part of their lives. Maybe it’s because they are boring, dumb, conforming people…maybe not. Anyways I digress, ok so let us see; in this order a snippet from my list is 1: fancy by Reba Mcentire 2: dragula by Rob zombie 3: landslide by the Dixie chicks and 4: This is Halloween, which is a song from the Disney movie ‘The Nightmare before Christmas’. That’s more or less how I am all the time. Now I don’t like Music very much at all, especially for someone my age. People always get carried away with it like nut cases; listening to it 24/7 listening to it obnoxiously loud, saying retardedness like “I just have to listen to my music man, I’d go totally crazy without it” Then perhaps you should commit suicide if you are so stupid. Your precious damn music won’t miss you. Though I admit, I like my music and do get enjoyment from occasional, reasonable listening; sometimes I notice a kind of change in my body from listening to it that I’d call…nearly a religious experience, if I had religion which I do not. Ha, I better be careful, if I’m not I could rant and rave all night about how much I loathe the church and its simpleton followers. Oh how I wish ill will upon them and mock them. “Can’t do this because God says it’s wrong, I don’t think it is but I blindly do what god says so…”“Can’t do that because I, LIKE A DOG, obey any command given to me, even when it’s from a figure neither I or anyone else has ever seen” but allow me to calm down; religion has its place in this writing but not yet. I was rather hoping to give a better sense of who I am before I get too far into what I believe.

-The Nightmare before Christmas- my favourite Disney movie, only a few songs I don’t know by heart, the tone of the movie so… macabre for Disney and oh how I love Jack possibly the best Disney character ever. Yes even better than Jack Sparrow; fuck you Johnny Depp I hope you suffer.


So, hmmm where would I start? I could of course do it the David Copperfield way, I’m born, I grow up etc. etc. but no, I have all the time in the world to talk about the beginnings which have grown a kind of hazy quality to them over time. So I think I’ll begin with something slightly more recent. Hard to say where exactly so I’ll start by addressing some of the more provocative things I said earlier. Yes I’m a criminal; I am no gang member and I am no killer, I feel only repugnance for violent people. Very rarely is it necessary to hit another individual, really only to protect yourself. Although the disgusting violent animals that are humans seem to believe that everything is a cause for violence. A mouthy comment, fooling around with your wife, cutting someone off on the way to work or my personal favourite; “ I was having a bad day and then he did this or that, I swear I’m never like that I don’t know what came over me” Lying bastard, over aggressive worm, pathetic out of control detriment to society. I do what I do for a real reason and it’s never violent. For example, the first real crime I committed. A few years ago 4 if I had to guess a family moved into the previously empty house next door. It was a woman and 3 kids, all boys. Almost immediately there were problems, see before there weren’t any kids for the 1 or 2 other kids in the area to play with so they mostly stayed inside. Once they had nearby friends though that changed. From 8:00 am to 10:00 pm they played in the street squealing at the top of their lungs, waving long sticks about like savages completely headless of everyone cars that were parked on the street. Throwing around balls which they were very poor at catching, I remember at least 3 occasions which that ball almost hit people’s cars. I watched like a hawk, ravenously waiting for when it would finally happen but it never did that I saw. You couldn’t even have your window open all summer they were so loud. Now you might say I’m a mad man for being so mean- “they’re just kids after all” True but you haven’t heard the best part; see I live in a cul-de-sac and at the end of it was, get this, a park. Oh yes a park, and not a little dinky park it’s big, it has 2 skating rinks, 2 full scale baseball diamonds, a basketball court and a playground, plus all the grassland you could possibly want. But no they’re apparently too damn stupid, and so are their parents for not telling them to; to walk the extra fifteen feet to go into the park where they could run and scream and not bother anyone. No they preferred to play in the street putting everyone’s vehicles at risk and making it impossible to enjoy the nice weather unless I went somewhere else. Not to mention the fact that they would sometimes take a liking to bouncing a basketball off the side of their house which; since we live in a duplex and are attached to them was coincidentally bouncing off the side of my room…for hours on end. So one day after another full day of their foolishness I decided to do something about it. I waited until around 2am one night went out the back of my house, jumped the fence into the alley behind my house. Then I walked around the alley to where the opening of the cul-de-sac started, see I didn’t want to be seen jumping into their yard directly from my yard. So then I walked all the way to the end of the cul-de-sac entered the other end of the alley and walked till I got to her neighbours house. Jumped his fence, and then used his yard to gain access to her yard (fun fact, it turns out her other neighbour is actually her brother, clearly he’s the one who told her the house was available in the first place) it was a roundabout way but had any one person seen me they wouldn’t have been able to say it was me who did anything. It turned out to be excessive of me to take such precaution because no one was awake to see anything. I quietly stepped onto their deck; the most dangerous part because they had a patio door and could rush out in an instant if they had heard me. I found what I wanted, those infernal sticks no more would they put peoples cars at risk I also found a small water gun, this I bent with my hands as it was plastic and weak. The deck was a mess they are the kind of people who have literally truckloads of pointless trash all over their yard. I also found the ball he bounced against my bedroom wall; this I stabbed with one of those pronged metal hotdog holders you use for roasting wieners over a fire. I stabbed it in the hole you use to pump it up, I didn’t want them to know that someone had wrecked their ball; I wanted them to think it simply went flat and couldn’t be pumped up again. I took the sticks and left the way I came, taking the same roundabout way. I still have the sticks to this day in the basement of the house. Now I know, it’s no big deal parse but I had a purpose and accomplished it.


-Princess Mononoke -I love this movie, not action packed but full of depth and story; and the action it has is good and not overmuch; besides all that, I fall in love with the lady iboshi all over again every time.


Now I hear that people find committing crime exciting and exhilarating. How absurd, more drivel from the worthless humans. Only the truly criminal malicious and malignant would enjoy doing things to others. I didn’t feel any of those things, only mild relief that what irritated me so was over. At least I thought it was. It was the very next day when the new troubles began. As is customary with people who have lots of trash plus lots of kids they had many Junker bicycles. So they started with that; riding around on their bikes with their friends around and around the cul-de-sac. Heaven forbid they leave on their bikes to ride around for a while… And blast it, even though they could not pump it back up they still bounced that flat assed ball against my wall; somehow making an even more unpleasant noise then when it was inflated. That’s what really made me angry; I try and do as little as I can to them and they basically slap me in the face. And so a few days later I went back, doing the same as the time before. This time when I entered her yard I simply went to the open shed where they had piled high the bikes they now used to torment me about 7 in all; what possible use could 3 kids have for 7 damn bikes? Nobody knows but it didn’t matter. I took a simple solid kitchen knife and slashed every single tire on every bike. But I said to myself” they could just replace the tires and be back on their bikes in a matter of days” so I took it a step further; and I gouged the grips on the handlebars horribly, and sliced large chunks from the seats so they could not comfortably sit on it. I also found a single helmet which I also gouged the foam inside. The largest, fanciest bike which I had seen them riding the most I stole using the gate to the back alley. I simply opened it and walked out, there are several adjoining alley’s to the one behind my house so I took it down a couple of them and dropped it next to some trash cans. Not a very good hiding place but I didn’t care if they found it or not. Fyi they never did. I also found that damned ball and stole it; if they refused to stop using it even when flat then it was the only option I had. On my way back I noticed that the other kids had their bikes lying out on their front lawns so I gave them the treatment as well. One thing to note was that the pakis across the street also had a bike in front of their house which I also took and mutilated, why? Didn’t I explain that already? I’m racist and I hate pakis most of all; they are the most ignorant and despicable race. Since the beginning of recorded time and beyond they have enslaved, beat, and killed their wives with a smile on their lips and have waged war with anyone who isn’t the exact same. Those dirty brown bastards have killed far more people in their reckless hate filled conquest of everything different then the whites ever have. Don’t ever hear about that do we? No, because in our need to expand our economy to keep up with the states we have allowed…nay encouraged the wrong elements of society to flourish, and destroy any semblance of decency we may have once had. Now don’t get me wrong they’re not all bad, just the vast majority. I give everyone a chance to… impress me into not hatting them; needless to say I have met very few impressives.


-The T.V is on in the background, one of those ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’ commercials. Some guy shows pictures of his friends in Vegas to other people. When they confront him about it; he’s just sitting there smiling like some asshole. Fuck you Buddy, your friends should kill you in that hotel room and show you the meaning of ‘What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’


  • But I do hate how people seem to think that just because they’re in Las Vegas “oh yeah, time to have sex with any loose whore I can find; after getting thoroughly liquored up and losing all my money gambling like some dickhead of course “ and according to our society it’s more or less acceptable. How damned pathetic of us.


Anyways… Even that didn’t stop them; I must admit I felt a bit like the Grinch when Christmas still came even though he took all their presents decorations and food. Even when they didn’t have sticks or bicycles or balls they still seemed hell bent on annoying me. Keeping to more or less the same hours they just started playing in the backyard amongst the mounds of trash that trashy type people have in abundance. What’s more is that since I had intentionally left the gate open when I took their bike; those bastards had the audacity to put a padlock on their back gate. A padlock, seriously? What do they think I am an idiot? Did they think that a padlock would stop anybody? I can still get in easily without directly using the gate. Their fence is tall but I am the master of my own body; even though I may not be strong in the sense of sheer force, I can still do anything with my body I want. If my hands can reach the top of a fence I can easily lift myself over it. Plus, they had bought the house in a somewhat state of disrepair so the boards of the fence were half rotten and falling apart. Honestly had I tried to climb it, I probably would have knocked it down and killed myself. So a few days later when I again went out around 2am and did the same old route. Except this time not entering her yard through her brother’s house; but going directly to the back of her fence. I just plain ripped off a couple of boards. I was going to leave it at that; simply showing her the ineffectiveness of her silly lock when I saw something. A shovel. Then an idea came to me of how to stop this annoying backyard play they had started. ”I could use their Shovel to dig large holes all over their yard. That way there’d be a little less ‘running around screaming’ and a little more ‘fall and break your leg’ hehehe that is still funny. When I thought of it at the time I giggled like a little girl as I entered their yard. Once I grabbed the shovel though I settled down and started thinking. Firstly I used my sleeves as make shift gloves; didn’t want to leave fingerprints on the shovel. Why? Might you ask would I bother with that when there’s no possibility of the police taking fingerprints; as it is a laborious process on an already stretched thin justice system? Well, yes, in hindsight that’s true and I wasted time being over careful. But it’s good practice if I want to do more serious crime in the future. Another problem with it was that shoveling is loud during the day; it would be positively thunderous at that hour. Impossible for me not to be caught. So I devised a simple plan, fool/ human proof. All I had to do was use small even pressure to gently slide the shovel into the ground; then pull slowly back till the chunk was mostly up, then grab the piece of dirt with my hand and rip it from the small membrane of grass that it still clung to. After that I flung the dirt in any direction; it didn’t really matter as I was done with it. If anyone had seen me they probably would have thought it a little queer that I was digging holes, all in black, at 2 in the morning. I did this for about 45 minutes; yes 45 minutes, it took longer than it felt. Don’t know how I wasn’t seen; poor house security by humans I’d guess. On my way out I grabbed the boards I had ripped off; didn’t want to make repairs too easy for them. I walked a short distance down the alley and threw them into somebodies yard; I wonder what they made of it. “Hurray free rotten wood!” The next day I seen her brother looking at all the holes with his wife “some people are just ignorant” he said angrily; hmmmm indeed they are sir but so are you, and though I didn’t know it then; his time was coming fast. They fixed the fence later that day; they must have had spare boards lying around inside because I didn’t see them leave the house that day. Couple of days later I stole those boards as well to show my displeasure with their feeble attempts to keep me out; they did not fix the fence again it still has 2 boards missing years later.


-I hear that most youth today get more guidance from television and the internet on how to deal with the opposite sex then from their parents. The only thing I ever took to heart from a movie was from ‘Alien 3’ one of the prisoners said “it’s just like I told you man, treat a queen like a whore; and a whore like a queen you can’t go wrong “how true. When most well to do women say “there’s more to life than money and possessions” and most young jezebels say “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie” when I was young maybe 7-10 I watched an episode of ‘sex with sue’ very late hour but I was up, and I was somewhat advanced for my age; I of course knew about sex and its basic mechanics and of its social importance. The social part I got from how it is talked about every 2 seconds on television. She was giving the ole, spell letters or numbers with your tongue during oral sex to keep it interesting; but if she seems to get really into something in particular, keep doing that. A long time to remember sex advice from an old woman.


A week later they caught my mother outside when she was taking out the garbage. She said “so have you been visited by the SLASHER? That’s what we call him” now bear in mind that my mother knew everything and didn’t care all that much. She was equally annoyed by their loudness and filthiness of their yard. So she sat and listened to her talk about their recent troubles and made up a lie about knocked over plants and slashed lawn chairs. Eventually I came out to soak it all in. Wasn’t much to hear parse; just her going on and on about what it was that happened. Throwing the term SLASHER around as if there were some kind of killer on the loose instead of a minor vandal.


-I dislike tomatoes except in sauces, and no straight tomato sauce either.

-I also hate the 3 stooges and everything they stand for, damn them

-And since I mentioned him earlier I may as well express my dislike of Johnny Depp. Now I like the man in Edward Scissor Hands and Nightmare on Elm Street; Gilbert Grape was also good, I enjoyed seeing him in a role where he smacked around Leonardo Decaprio. Making fun of his fat momma also helped. However, perhaps his most famous role as Captain Jack Sparrow is the one who turned me to hate. In the film he’s a grimy annoying man. His personality agitates me on the inside making me nearly physically ill. But that alone isn’t enough to incur my hate; I’m quite a reasonable man even if it doesn’t always seem like it. No, it was how much everybody else loved him that brought my hate forth. Women saying how fuckin’ attractive he was in it; and people just saying how funny the film was in general. And it wasn’t just a passing thing either… it’s a huge film that has gone down in history alongside the greats like the Matrix and E.T the extra-terrestrial. To mock me forever and ever.


 Now that I’ve told you the entirety of what I did and why to one neighbour I may as well mention what I did to my other neighbours and why. So moving right along I’ll jump to her brother whom I mentioned earlier. Now for the first couple of years everything was fine. He, his wife and his crazy daughter didn’t bother me at all. Yes, crazy daughter; when we first moved here she was probably 10. Chunky and cape wearing; sometimes taking to sitting on top of the shed for an hour or so. She almost seemed to have some kind of mental disability because she always acted much younger than she was. Anyways, what started being a problem was when a cat started showing up around our yard. We think it was the cat from the people across the street and one to the right. Now I love cats, definitely prefer them to dogs; so cuddly and soft and they smell much better than a dog ick. She’s a calico probably middle aged at the time; and she would come in the backyard and sit with us outside for a while and let us pet her, so sweet. It was getting to be fall and we’d seen her around for a couple weeks straight so we put a box with a blanket in it and some food outside for her. We’d find her every morning sleeping in the box where it was warm and there was food; she’d come out and say hi when we’d check on her even though she was so tired she could barely stand. Eventually, we just loved her too much and brought her inside forever. Our other cat molly needed a friend anyways. We ended up calling her fluffy; an unoriginal name I know but she genuinely seemed to respond to it which is why we called her that. A couple weeks later we ended up talking to ‘The brother’ that’s what we call him, and we got talking about the cat. He said “oh yeah I seen that cat in my yard a month ago; I ran up to kick her and she ran off” …. I must be steady; how could he do that? Try and kick a poor animal for no reason, especially one so sweet as her. If you didn’t want her on your property you could have yelled, and she would have left. Instead he tried to hurt; possibly kill her for no reason. In fact when I put it in those terms; I ought to have done more to him then I have. Bastard, curse him, I do intend to do more to him but I’ll have to revise my plan to be a bit more aggressive. He talks about people being ignorant when he’s a dirty animal abuser; they own a small dog, a Pomeranian I think, he likely strikes it when it does something that displeases him. I believe I’ll sneak over there in the next couple of days and scratch his truck up; right the fuck up, on top of whatever else I intend to do. Animal abusers instantly throw me into a violent rage and I just don’t know what to do with myself about it.


-Speaking about animal abusers; Michael Vick disgusts me. People still love him though because he can play a damn game. The fact that he walks around like he’s some great god-like figure just….damn him and the legal system that allows him to continue to make millions of dollars and live like a king. When he should be dead like the dogs he used.


 I know I was going to talk about what I’ve done to the brother but I forgot one other thing I did to his sister with the 3 kids. As I’ve said before she had copious amounts of trash in her yard; I truly think she may be some kind of hoarder. Every time I go outside or look out the window all I can see is her filth all over the yard. Pig, it isn’t very hard to keep your space clean but apparently she’s too busy not raising her kids appropriately to get around to it.

  So when a toaster and vacuum broke I had an amusing thought. “ sure, we could pay to go to the dump and throw these things out; or I could put them in her yard, there’s so much trash I doubt she’d even notice” So that’s what I did, amongst all the piles of her garbage I placed the toaster and vacuum and walked away. It’s been about 15 months or so and neither object has moved an inch from where I put it. Pathetic.

Anyways back to the brother. After hearing about his attempt with the cat I immediately began to plot revenge. Well actually, plot, may be exaggerating a bit; as I already knew exactly what to do in every way. With him I was able to be a bit lazier; he’s one of those fools who leave the gate in the front of his house wide open for just anyone to waltz in. So that’s exactly what I did, that’ll teach him for trusting other people. They had a bike in their yard, relatively fancy even though I never seen any of them ride It even once. I gave it the treatment I gave the other bikes with one exception. It had a very comfortable seat cover on it; it would have been such a waste to just wreck it so I undid the laces and took it. After washing it I could use it myself. I went around to the very back. I felt more or less comfortable since they didn’t have a patio door; so even if they did see me I’d be able to get away through the space in his sisters fence by the time he got his fat ass out the front door and around. After a quick look around I found what I was going to do; he had this cheap looking fountain that he ran day and night. It was irritating to listen to water running all day and night anyways. There was a chord plugged into the house that made it run so I figured I’d cut it and that would be the end of that. I realized that I had to urinate fairly bad seemingly out of the blue. And since I couldn’t go all the way home and come back I decided to urinate in one of their big puffy lawn chairs. Ugh, the worst part was that I had to wait till I got home to wash my hands. When that was done I put the bike cover on a table they had beside the chairs; and I walked over to the fountain and bent down to cut that annoying chord. Stupid me though, I forgot to unplug it before I started slicing. I had barely started when a loud bang went off along with a small but very bright ball of light. It startled me half to death and I looked around quickly to see if anyone had heard me. There was a noise above me and I jerked my head in that direction. It was a window but I didn’t see anyone looking out; so I waited a moment just to be sure. CREAK! The window suddenly opened outward; and I was around the side of the house and running down the street towards the field before they even got a chance to yell. I ran so fast that I was half tripping over myself trying to get away. Curse the basic laws of electricity which almost got me caught. In my haste I forgot the bike seat on the table. From the darkness of the field I watched his house for a second or too. I couldn’t linger long in case they had called the police. I seen their lights come on and that balding animal abuser came rushing out his front door all dramatic; like he thought he was going to do something. Oh please…. I had a knife with me for both cutting and for defense; had he actually came out and chased me when I was trying to get away I would have had to stab him. Even though my purpose wasn’t to harm anyone, I won’t allow myself to be caught either, and if he was able to get a hold on me I’d be forced to defend myself. That of course didn’t happen though, after looking back and forth once or twice mister badass saviour of the house went back inside to tell everyone it was ok. May have even said he scared the culprit off. I was annoyed by my stupidity; but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since I am dumb like a post. I didn’t wait around to loiter in the field; like I said earlier I needed to get home before police potentially showed up. The next day when I looked at the knife I had been using I noticed that a piece of the blade had actually disintegrated from the electricity. I’m a hypochondriac and I was paranoid for days that I may have done damage to my organs. Obviously that turned out not to be the case. The area around the disintegration point was also slightly melted looking.

  It was a while before I did anything else to him, I’d say maybe 8 months or so. He had a decent sized pine tree in his yard and eventually he had it cut down. I’m fairly sure it was because the roots were beginning to damage his house. They have the yard all ripped up from digging them out….it is many, many times worse than the holes I had dug in his sisters yard the year before. The main point is that in order to help the workers cutting down the tree remove the waste wood they put in a gate on their back fence. Now since my last visit he began keeping his front gate closed; that pleased me because he learned something. Anyways, I figured I’d do something to him to congratulate him on the gate. So as always I went out, blah, blah, blah went in through the hole in his sister’s fence ( her name is Val and I shall refer to her as such from now on) walked up to his new gate and opened it; I wanted him to get paranoid about “THE SLASHER” being back. When I did this I noticed he had solar lights in his back yard that weren’t there before. What did he need lights in his yard for? So that he could see animals at night that he could rush outside to kick? The old anger flashed again so I took his lights out of the ground, took off the tops and used a rock to smash the bulbs themselves. I then put the tops back on put the lights back; ha, I wonder how long it took him to notice. I then left the yard with the gate open and went home. Same as Val he put a padlock on his gate the next day. Did he learn nothing? That padlocks are less than useless for that. So a few weeks later I went back over there with a screwdriver and unscrewed the latch that held the lock to the fence. I unscrewed half of it and twisted it cruelly with my hands; such a flimsy, pointless metal it must have been made of. Again I opened it and left it that way; but since I was there I figured I may as well poke some holes in his garden hose. So I did that, accidentally dropping the tack I was using after 3 or 4 holes; I then left. Comically he was not deterred and bent the latch back in place, re-screwed it into place PLUS added a thin square board underneath for added protection. I assume it’s nailed and not screwed because that would be a bigger hassle for me to remove. Trying to keep me out is kind of like a fun game we play, although the score is rather in my favour. Next time I think I’m going to just up and walk away with his whole gate; let’s see him put a padlock on that to make it better. Poor silly little man.


-I woke up at 3am this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep. I was thinking about the song “you were mine “by the Dixie chicks. One of the last parts of the song goes “I can give you two good reasons to show you loves not blind, he’s two and she’s four and you know they adore you, so how can I tell them you’ve changed your mind?” I became so angry by it that I couldn’t focus on sleeping. I just kept thinking “You should tell them the truth miss; just sit them down and explain how daddy loves getting his cock sucked more than he loves them” that’s how you tell them. Lo! How I hate human beings, ruled by their sexuality; not caring about anyone or anything else as long as they’re getting pleasured. Damn them, damn them, damn them. People like that need to be punished, but they never are.


 -I’ve been drinking quite heavily; so forgive me if my wording is sloppier then usual from this point. I’ll be sure to mention when I have ended writing for this drunken day.


Funny how things work out. Just like how I overlooked putting things in Val’s yard I overlooked one small thing I did to the brother. I can’t remember exactly where along the timeline I did this; but it was definitely before I unscrewed the latch. It was either spring or early fall because I was raking the dead grass. He was out in his yard barbecuing; he did this often and poorly. I’m no Martha Stewart, but the way he would sporadically check on the food every 5 seconds then leave it for 10—15 minutes; along with the burnt smell in the air when he would take the food off made me think he wasn’t a very good cook. I looked at the large pile of grass at my feet and then over at him. “I think I’m going to put all this in his barbecue” I said to myself. And so I did; using one of those saucers that you’d ride in the winter I carried the grass over the fence into his yard. Then I just walked up, opened the lid, and put the grass into his barbecue. I closed the lid so it would be a surprise for the next time he went to use it and I left.


-I enjoy drinking; I only drink vodka shots though. I HATE beer and mixed drinks, because I dislike the taste of alcohol; so when I do shots I can wash the taste away with a chaser, normally water. People sicken me so badly when they drink usually. They tend to get so loud, ignorant and slutty. I don’t change at all, there is absolutely no difference between me sober and me drunk; except of course that I use the bathroom more often, my words get slightly slurred and I want to sleep. I think it’s because people actually act like themselves when drunk. This is why I don’t change, because I’m not pretending to be anything I’m not. If you want to get to know somebody, get them immensely drunk and you’ll find out who they are in a hurry. Fuckin’ people always using the excuse “I’m sorry baby; I only did it cause I was drunk” I’d never do anything drunk that I wouldn’t do sober. It possibly explains why I can drink large quantities of liquor without really getting drunk parse. I don’t get all stupid in my own head so I don’t get drunk; I feel the numbness in my limbs, the ocean in my head, and the thickness of my tongue but I don’t get drunk. I’ve had fool friends come over to drink, after drinking a 750ml between the 2 of us in about 2 hours he was drunk out of his mind, falling into the walls as he walked while I was barely slurring. Even my drunken step-father and his equally alcoholic friends are greatly impressed with how much I can drink without seeming drunk at all. In fact, the last year it’s gotten pointless to even bother with vodka since I drink it all day like water and don’t get drunk. I’ve had to switch to super liquor (that’s what I call it) it’s actually just over-proof alcohol; at 96%/vol. And no… it isn’t everclear; it’s called polmos rectified spirits. Kind of sad, I never even started with beer or coolers; the first drink I ever had was straight vodka.


-I also smoke marijuana every day. There isn’t really anything more to say about that. Except that I hate how the government makes it sound like a dangerous narcotic. “The suspect killed his wife, his kids, and a stranger on the street before being caught by the police; it was later revealed that the man had been seen smoking pot earlier that day” Oh yeah, cause nothing makes me want to go crazy and kill somebody like a puff or two of pot... stupid police.


I mentioned earlier how Val came out to talk to us about the SLASHER, a few amusing things I forgot to mention were this. She said that she made a police report on a website that compiled lists of crimes so that ‘when’ (Cause she actually believed the culprit would be caught) they caught the vandal the police would have a more complete record from which to charge him. Obviously she is unfamiliar with how the law works. Unless police come out and write their own reports there is nothing to prove anything really occurred; other than their word and receipts for new bike tires. Furthermore, since they aren’t actually ‘looking’ for me at all I’d have to completely fall into their lap to face charges. And even if I did, there is no way they could prove I committed the previous crimes. So even if I was caught, by a cop, in their yard, at 2am doing some vandalism, I still would never face penalties for my crimes before. Oh how I hate the legal system, protecting the criminals more than the victims.

She also boasted that they were going to get a night-vision camera to record the yard at night. Firstly, they would need a very high quality recorder to see anything other than a featureless dark figure walking about the yard wrecking stuff. Which, judging from the poor state of their deck, their fence, their van, and their children; I knew they couldn’t afford. Secondly even if they did get the highest quality night-vision camera on the market; I always wore a mask, a black hoodie, and black track pants; there would still be nothing to see. I’m not sure if they ever did get it, but I’m unconcerned as I said; it wouldn’t deter me in the least since I always take the precautions that usually are the downfall of other stupider vandals. A stupid vandal would likely be lazy and jump directly over the shared fence into their yard to do their work; but if indeed they had a camera, that would obviously lead them right to you. Same as if they went unmasked; always wear a mask no matter what crime.


-Contrary to popular belief sex for money is legal in Canada. Only prostitution is illegal, let me explain further. The exact laws specify that it is illegal to earn money from somebody who is having sex for money (Pimps) it is illegal to be a member of a brothel; it is illegal to make the deal for sex for money in public (Street walkers) and it is illegal for it to be your primary source of income. Other than that it’s totally fine. So if you have a friend and he or she is all “Gosh I need money really bad so I can buy this or that” and you offered to give them money to have sex with you; that is acceptable in the eyes of the law. Funny how the law is worded to allow all kinds of things.


  It’s strange; I’ve talked for about 8 pages about things I’ve done to only 2 neighbours. There are still 6 more neighbours with their own tales; plus 1 person who is about 10 minutes away, plus some creative mischief AND the Details of my multiple suspensions from school including 1 expulsion (Ooooo) and that would probably complete my known criminal career. Before I start on that though I think I’ll have a few drinks and try to think carefully so I don’t forget anything.

I think I’ll break up my revenge on the neighbours with telling quickly about my suspensions and expulsion. Now I was of course never very popular; same old song, story, and dance everyone has heard before. Few if any friends, lots of teasing and bullying that the teachers allowed to happen by not acknowledging it; and disputing it when complained about. Worthless teachers, they knew it was happening but because they didn’t like me much they let it happen and probably liked it. Such bastards, I blame them for half of my mental problems. I only blame them for half because I believe both nature and nurture play roles in one’s personality. I’ll move away from the topic of bullying and how teachers aid, rather than stop it for now because it enrages me and get straight to business. Fourth grade social studies, some guy; a fat kid named Jeffery was making fun of me for something or other. All I remember was standing up, taking the few steps that separated us and began tapping him on the head with my pencil in order to cause a problem. After the first few he started moving his hand in a windmill motion to block my pencil lazily because he thought he was so superior. So, when that became clear to me I turned my pencil around so that the point would be the part that struck his head. When he went to block this new side of the pencil he ended up stabbing himself (Basically) in the hand. He started bleeding somewhat badly and he got up and attacked me. He wasn’t very good with his fists so I wasn’t even bruised by the time the teacher got us apart and sent us to the office.  The principal was a cruel but very beautiful woman with a stupid name (Mrs. Gay smiley…. Yes, a lot dumber then you probably thought) She called me in particular an animal and made mention of cps taking me away to an orphanage and so forth. Me and the other boy were both suspended for 4 days. Hope that taught him a lesson, cause I sure didn’t learn anything.

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