How Karlsquell made my life

How Karlsquell made my life How Karlsquell made my life

Status: Finished

Genre: Non-Fiction


Status: Finished

Genre: Non-Fiction


the story of my life


the story of my life


Submitted: December 18, 2011

A A A | A A A


Submitted: December 18, 2011




It all started 5 years ago, when I was sixteen. I had just finished my final exam of that year at the FoxyLane Royal High School, and had a date planned. My date, who we'll call Malagi for her privacy, was enrolled in the same high school as me. She was still bussy failing her exam, so I figured I had about a half an hour to spend until she was finished.

There was an Aldi not 600 feet away from the school's entrance. So I decided to visit it out of boredom. It was there that I first laid eyes on Karlsquell, 25cl. beer for a mere 21ct. I grabbed 5 cans, gave the cashier a one euro coin and told her she could keep the rest. Seeing where she worked, it was not to my surprise that she didn't notice how I had paid her 5 cents short. Or perhaps she just didn't care..

I rushed back to school and, while walking, downed the whole five cans. Being in an already highly intoxicated condition I stood in the school's front yard. I still had about 15 minutes before the date. As my mind and my stomach where debating about 'to puke, or not to puke?'

I tried to remember the classroom's number. The room where my fair lady (at least I thought so at the time) was doing her exam. At last, I remembered. Room 325. All the way up, on the 3rd floor. Apparently my mind had overcome my stomach, so I went inside the school.

I can not really remember how long (or just How) I got up all those stairs. But the next moment, I stood in the hallway. Across the door marked 325. My forehead leaning against the window looking over the school's front yard. Full of students who had also just finished the dreadful finals-week.

I was reminiscing my joyful innocent life, the life I had before the Karlsquell. Sure, my father left me when I was just 6, I was never the most popular kid at school, and my stepmom hated me. I didn't care, I was happy in my own way.

Finally, in what seemed like forever (but was approximately 3 minutes) my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend came outside and hugged me. Obviously she noticed that my breath smelled like beer. I mean, how could she not. But she did not care. At that time I thought it was because she was so damn cool.Now I know it was because she was just like the underpaid cashier from earlier. A fuck up. And I am not saying this out of hate or self-pity. She failed that exam 3 times, point proven, enough said.

We went down and met some of her friends in the main hall. They were talking about girl stuff while I was standing there. Staring at the ceiling, thinking how hot her friends where. Someone asked me if I was drunk, and what I was thinking about. I told them I was thinking about bringing a new kind of shampoo on the market. One with vegetable taste. So that after taking a bath you would have a giant bowl of eatable soup. Drunk as I was I can't remember if they were supportive, or disgusted by my idea. I didn't care. I just stood there. Grinning and thinking about my newly-formed idea.


The next flash I had was me and Malagi, laying in my bed, Kissing. A memory I now share with too many girls. At the time I was really in love with Malagi. But after only 1 month, she dumped me.I begged and begged for her to take me back, and after a week or so she did. My broken hard had been mended by her 'love'. Once more I could feel the butterflies in my belly. Flowers that had seemed dead the long week before where filled with color again. Food tasted heavenly, and I was happy to have her back.

One week later, she dumped me again.

This was the moment a new me was born.
Just like Dexter Morgan became a serial killer after seeing his mother get slaughtered,
just like Barney Stinson suited up after getting his heart trampled,
just like Anakin Skywalker rose again as Darth Vader after falling in a lava river.
My then innocent heart was filled with anger, sadness and hate.

Karlsquell had done this. At the time I off course did not realize that, I blamed Malagi. I swore an oath to get revenge. After hours, days even nights of thinking, I had found the answer. This may seem stupid. But back then it was, in my eyes, the only way.

I was going to have sex with her best friends.

We were only dating for about a month, so I did not know everybody around her. However that one month was long enough to meet her best friends. We will call them Galadrielle (yeah.. I'm a fan of LOTR) and Scyllia (greek mythology can be so fitting).

Thanks to the rise of Facebook I got in touch with Galadrielle. We chatted and texted daily for a long time.This all went on for months and months, without anybody knowing. I became a friend of Galadrielle, even though it was only online. Emotionally, I became a part of her life. Off course we could not meet in real life. The risk of anybody seeing us together and telling Malagi was too big.If that would have happened my master plan would have failed instantly, and Galadrielle and Malagi's friendship would have been over.

One year after I had met Malagi, the day of our last exam, was Kristalnacht. A night named after Reichskristallnacht, the night of broken glass, 8-9 November 1938. The day Hitler ordered the death of thousands of Jews in Nazi-Germany. The streets where filled with glass that night. Ironically in 'honor' of this, students would go out and throw their glasses on the street after finishing their beer. Ironic isn't it?

This was the perfect night. Highly drunk, just like the year before, I went out. In the middle of the night I got a text message from Galadrielle. She was at Minnemeers. A hall where I usually worked as a bartender. I went there and noticed that she was as drunk as me.

Alcohol had destroyed me, made me, and was now helping me?

My colleagues at the bar gave us some cocktails. This is where it got good. I and Galadrielle danced the night away. I was not really thinking about Malagi anymore. I liked this.
vaguely I remember a woman we did not know asking us if we were a couple. That is when I noticed almost everybody had left and we were almost the last people there.

Drunk I replied some gibberish even I could not understand. Apparently we had been dancing and kissing for hours. The start of sweet, sweet revenge.

When the party was over, the music stopped and the lights went on, we went outside. We continued our kissing. At last the alcohol was too much and I had to puke. At first I thought that my plan was ruined, because obviously now I could not kiss Galadrielle anymore. But the alcohol had not forsaken me, even better. Once more it was helping me.

You see, Galadrielle did not want any French kisses anymore, but she did not mind the Australian kind (It's basically the same thing, but down under). Everything was falling into its place. My plan had worked. Galadrielle spent the night and we started seeing each other almost weekly in secret.

One down, one to go, I thought. So I started the texting and chatting on Facebook again, but this time with Scyllia.
A few weeks later me and a friend of mine, Zander, where all alone at my house. Scyllia was online and wanted to go out. We told her we were probably going to the Make-Up Club. The best Club in Ghent back then. We invited her and, probably driven by the prospect of Alcohol, she accepted.

She came to my house but we didn't leave for the club yet because it was too early. This was the first time we met in real life since I was dating Malagi. We stayed inside and watched television. We got bored so Sander got out and got his Pokerset. Scyllia did not know how to play poker, so we decided to play Strip-poker. Obviously I and Sander won every round.

By that time it was too late to go out. Sander went home and Scyllia stayed with me, could it be this easy? We went to bed and talked for a little while. I took a huge risk telling her about my history with Galadrielle. Luckily she just laughed it away and promised not to tell Malagi or anybody else.

I thought to myself 'She could never tell Malagi' seeing how she was laying there herself. I started giving her a massage, apparently it Was this easy. The next morning I woke up knowing that Malagi's two best friends had betrayed her. Not that I had slept a lot that night. However I did not get my revenge just yet. Malagi needed to know this. I could not be the one to tell her, that would be to obvious. And galadrielle did not know anything about me and Scyllia either.

After 2 months of seeing Scyllia regularly, we started dating. Now Scyllia had to tell Malagi, there was no way around it. First she told Galadrielle.

Galadrielle was the one who then told Malagi. And boy she was angry! I almost felt sorry, because I thought that I had destroyed their friendships. I had not really considered that before. Then again, I figured I did not care. She had ruined me and broke my heart. Again, this is what I thought at that time. I now know that the source of the new me was not Malagi, it was Karsquell, alcohol. The most evil of evils.

My masterplan had worked. But now I was stuck in this relationship. We had a good time, and maybe it really was love I felt. But Either love or the alcohol had blinded my eyes and blurred my mind. After a year Scyllia slowly went crazy. She was depending on me.

I now figure it was her subconsience which somehow realized that I did not really loved her, but that I just started this all to get my revenge on Malagi. More than three years had gone by since her. Malagi said she had forgiven both Galadrielle and Scyllia. She even claimed she was happy that Scyllia had found a boyfriend. After a while we started going out together, the three of us. This was not what I had wanted. I had to break up with Scyllia.


This is what alcohol did. Malagi doesn't even care anymore, Scyllia is heartbroken, and me? I'm a fucked up basterd.

So I guess the moral of my story is: If you want an eventful life, drink yourself to death.

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