The Case Of The Vaginal Lullaby

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group

Lady Tuna discovers she has a hidden singing talent,and
everyone can't believe their eyes & ears on where it's
located at.





Chaknee rushed down the corridor to Lady Tuna's royal bed chamber with
a folder in his hands.A worried look came over his face as pulled the large rope over his
head.As a loud "BONG" rattled the place he heard a faint graveled response inside the dim
Chaknee proceeded and entered.Lady Tuna was seated at her vanity when
he approuched her with the folder...

"What is dat in your hands,Chaknee? Another petition for same-sex marriage?"

"NO! It's the sale figures for Sammymede's line of female hygiene products.
They are extremely low.We might have to shut down production."

"You mean we ain't sellin'?"

"NO! Think about it? What woman in right mind would buy something that a worn
out whore like yourself would use?"

"You know Chaknee,your gettin' to be a little too saucy lately.Remind me to
Bitch slap you later."

"I'll make a note of it,but in the meantime how are we going to keep your
intergalactic empire afloat?" If we don't come up with the money,you are
going to have to surrender to the Council Of Funkoo,and be charged with
war crimes against the Bee Bees."

"Surrender my fuckin' ass! You underestimate me Chaknee. Did it ever occur to
you that I might have a trick up my sleeve,or in this case up my skirt?"

"What do you mean?"

With a wicked smirk,she lifted up her skirt,and Chaknee turned away
in discust...
"Must you flash that thing at me everytime I come in here?!"

"Keep quiet,Chaknee! I want to show you a hidden talent it has."

"Hidden talent?"


"Okay,but if it starts barking & panting like a dog,I'm outta here."

Chaknee waited as Lady Tuna sat at the edge of her bed with her legs
apart.Soon he started to hear singing.It was the most sweet,beautiful voice he had ever
heard,as he slowly looked down at Lady Tuna's crotch his eyes widened with shock and
"Your vagina...It's singing!"


"But...but how is it possible?"

"Me really don't know,but isn't it wonderful?"

"Wonderful? More like the biggest mind fuck ever!How exactly are you gonna
pull off a music career as a vaginal vocalist?"

"Dookyroid-Z sends out a transmission of a talent show called 'Funkoo's
Got Talent'.With all those idiots trying out,I don't see why I cunt...Oh,I mean can't
be on it."
Chaknee kept silent for a few seconds.He wasn't sure if this was the
right path that Lady Tuna should take,but at the rate they were going what did they have
to lose?...
"Very well,when are the next tryouts?"

"Three days from now."

"I'll make preparations for your departure."


Three days had passed when Lady Tuna's imperial starship arrived at
"We are being hailed from the surface below,My Queen."

"Open a channel."

A man appears on the screen...

"Do you have a clearance code?"

"Yes,it's 8008005."

"You have clearance to land on deck 4AD."

"Excellent!" said a pleased Lady Tuna.After landing she & Chaknee waited
for hours in the television studio with other contestants who also want to perform for
the judges.The first judge was a powerful music agent named Roberto Burrito,the second
one was teen pop sensation Diva Diarrhea,and the last one was Lydia Extravaganza,a very
famous socialite & talent scout...

"Why am I getting dirty looks,Chaknee?" Lady Tuna whispered...

"Well because they know who you are.After all you are the notorious Lady
Tuna." Chaknee responded...

"Oh,I see."

The time had come for Lady Tuna to go on stage...

"Number 8008005 you're up!'

"OH,Chaknee me so excited!I can feel it in me loins!"

Lady Tuna got up and was instructed to follow the markers to the stage.
As she looked ahead she could see a stool with a wireless microphone on it.She also could
hear the audience hissing,booing,and calling her names as she got closer...

"What's your name,Honey?" Roberto Burrito asked...

"My name? My name is Cacacarlacianna Booshaylianna,or as you all know me
as Lady Tuna,Tee,Hee,Hee!"

"And what do you do for a living?"

"I'm queen of Tunakia,and hopefully soon the future queen of all Funkoo,
Boos & hisses grew louder from the audience...

"What do you plan to do for us,besides smell up the stage?"

"Me gonna sing a song."

"Sing what?"

"'I Believe In Biscuits' from the Bee Bee opera 'Luna Muffaletta'"

Lady Tuna sat up on the stool,and signals the back to start the music.
As the orchestrated song begins to play,she slowly lifts up her skirt like a pair of
stage curtains to reveal her 'Bearded Clam' to all to see & hear.Chaknee watched on the
monitors as the cameras cut to various audience members,and the judges with thier eyes
bulging out & mouthes gaped open in shock at what Lady Tuna did.The studio was filled
with the sounds of gasping,laughing,and screaming...

"Come on my queen,you can do it!" Chaknee thought to himself,as he
continued to watch the censors blur Lady Tuna's crotch shot with 'mosiac fogging'.
Suddenly this rich,powerful,and gorgeous singing voice poured out between Lady Tuna's
legs that brought the studio to a silent halt...



Everyone rised out of thier seats,giving Lady Tuna cheers & applause
when her snatch hit that high note.Chaknee let out a happy sigh as he viewed Roberto
rubbing his eyes in disbelief on the monitor.Finally the woman he served for many years
was getting some respect...


Chaknee turned away with tears in his eyes as the camera panned over to
Diva Diarrhea wincing,and covering her mouth.It was the most uplifting experience he had
witnessed in years.Now Lady Tuna came to the end of her performance...


The audience stood up and gave Lady Tuna a standing ovation as she took a
bow & blew kissy-poos at them.The judges were stunned...

"Lady Tuna,your performance was quite remarkable.I mean I never heard,nor
seen anything like it before,but because it came out of a rather naughty place,it can't
be marketed.It's just too vile for the mainstream.I have to say NO...Diva?"

Roberto told Lady Tuna...

"It like sounded great,but watching your pussy move around like that just
creeped me out.It's like totally gross.I have to say NO too...Lydia?"

Diva Diarrhea gave her answer...

"I disagree with both of you Hacks.I see Lady Tuna as a trailblazer.Unafraid
to do something new & different with what she has between her legs.Though it may not matter
now,I still give her a big YES."

Lydia Extravaganza gave her vote.It was all over for Lady Tuna.Devastated,
she lifted up her skirt & mooned everyone before walking off the stage...

"I'm so sorry,my queen."

Chaknee greeted her backstage...

"Oh,spare me,Chaknee!Now what am I gonna do about money?"

"Well,we can always have a bake sale.How are you at baking up a batch of
Chaknee asked with a grin & a wink.Lady Tuna became furious...

"Why you little Bastard!"

Lady Tuna grabbed Chaknee by the hair,and was violently shaking him until
someone threw a glass bottle at the back of Lady Tuna's head.Smashing the bottle to pieces...

"Oh,looky,there's a pink piece of paper inside it."

Chaknee picked it up,and opened it...

"Well,what does it say,Chaknee?"

"It's from Lydia Extravaganza.It says meet me at my home at midnight if
you want your pussy to be a big star."

"Oh,this could be it,Chaknee! My pussy a major superstar!"

"Oh,let's get back to the ship,and get you ready,my queen."


Lady Tuna & Chaknee landed thier small transport craft in front of Lydia's
landing platform.They stood there and marveled at her home which looked like two giant
wheels of orange cheese embedded in a hillside made of shit.They walked across a extention
bridge where they were greeted by her butler Conslaw...


"Hello.My name is Lady Tuna,and this is my atache Chaknee."

"Oh yes,madame is expecting you.Please come this way."

The butler had led them to what looked like a retro 1960's futuristic living
room.There was a gigantic POTATO laying across the sofa...

"That's madame's couch potato.She likes to keep it there as a conversation
"We must get one of those,Chaknee."

"Oh yes,once we get some DOUGH rolling in."

"Knock it off with the biscuit related puns,Chaknee!" Lady Tuna whispered as
she gave him a pinch...


"Come this way to the dining room." Insisted the butler.Lady Tuna & Chaknee
followed him down a large corridor lined with Lydia's annual family reunion portraits.One
of them caught Chaknee's eye.It was a picture of one single man.He had red hair & freckles,
and had a goofy smile on his face.None of the other family members were present in it...

"What's the meaning behind this picture?" Chaknee asked...

"If I tell you the story about it,you must not mention it to madame,or she'll
have my balls for breakfast."


"The man in the picture is Lazlo Extravaganza,Lydia's cousin.He was a bit of
a prankster who love to play jokes on unsuspecting others.It was three years ago at madame's
family reunion dinner when Lazlo went too far.He spiked madame's famous cherry jubilee punch
with a powerful,fast acting laxative.What was to be a delightful evening with the family had
literally turned out to be a SHITTY one...

"You mean?..."

"Yes.Everyone had crapped themselves.The place was filled with chaos & caca
as everyone desperately fought thier way to the toilets.Everything was just drenched in
doo doo,the carpets,drapes,furniture,and the floors were covered in it.OH,the stench was
horrible!Even weeks after everything was cleaned up it still reaked with the smell of feces.
Sometimes on a hot,humid night I can still smell a hint of it in the air as if the house
keeper had missed a spot."

"What happened to Lazlo?"

"Well,he was the only one not affected.The picture in front of you is solid
evidence that he was involved.Madame was furious when she found out,and banished him forever.
If you look at the next two pictures,you can see for yourselves."

Lady Tuna & Chaknee discovered that Lazlo was not in the last two portraits...

"Oh,looky Chaknee? He's gone."

"Yes,I can see that."

"Conslaw,stop fucking off,and bring them here?"

Lydia's voice instructed from the dining room...


They entered the dining room where Lydia was seated at the end of a very long
table having tea & cakes...

"Please be seated,and have some tea & cakes.I have a little proposition I'm
sure you will like."

"Does it involve sex?" Lady Tuna wondered...

"Sex? No!Goodness no! As you know I work in the Coo Coo entertainment industry
as a famous talent scout,so I have a keen knack for spotting talent,and you my dear have it."

"You can make Lady Tuna famous?" Chaknee asked...

"Why yes!With my help she can be even bigger than Cookylamoo."


"Yes,but on the condition that you work for me exclusively,and do everything
I ask you to do even if it means to sniff other people's rectums?"

"Oh yes!Anything!"

"Excellent! I'll contact you tomorrow with the contract agreement in which I
get a percentage of what you bring in."

"I'll be waiting with baited breath for your transmission aboard my space

"Very good.Um,when we do get the meatie rolling,you may want to consider
changing your name to something more friendlier."

"But why?"

"Well,for one thing your name is associated with all things filthy & evil in
the hearts & minds of all who live in Funkoo."


"You see we need to create a new you.A kinder,gentler,and warmer you."

"Well,what do you have in mind?"

"I really don't know.This is something we need to work on."

Just then,Lydia's butler came back into the dining room with a pot of tea...

"Would you like some more tea,madame?"

"No Conslaw...Wait just one fucking minute?...That's it!"

"What is it?"

"We'll call you...MADAME TUNA!"

"Madame Tuna?"

"Yes,do you like?"

"Yeah,I like! What do you think,Chaknee?"

"Gee,I don't know,Madame Tuna,Mistress Tuna,Lady Tuna,Humpty Tuna,Tuna Lady,
Tuna Fish,Tuna Salad,Tuna Melt,Tuna Tar Tar.It's all good my queen."

Chaknee said in a sarcastic manner.Lady Tuna glared at him,she was not amused...

"Chaknee I swear! You are on thin ice right now!"

Lady Tuna took a momment to settle down...

"Well,anyway despite how my assistant feels about it,I'll do it.I am now
Declared Madame Tuna as she took a proud pose in front of Lydia & Chaknee.

A few weeks had passed since Madame Tuna signed the contracts to make her
rich & famous.Now Lydia has taken residence aboard the Tunakian space ship to train Madame
Tuna for the stage.Chaknee went to check on thier progress,and walked into Lydia's makeshift
dance studio...
"Oh,my!" Responded Chaknee as he watched Madame Tuna shaking her shoulders &
sweating like crazy...

"Shimmy,Bitch!Shimmy!" Yelled Lydia...

"Oh,my Titties hurt!" Whined Madame Tuna...

"I don't care if those things fly off your chest! You better shimmy & shake!
Don't make me get out the cattle prod again!"

Lydia fired back.Chaknee stood in the background and smiled.He relished every
second of Madame Tuna shaking her boobs back & forth into a frenzy...

"A fine job you're doing,Lydia."

"Why thank you,Chaknee.I just hope she is ready for her first concert next
"I hope so too."


Lydia scurried down the backstage hall to Madame Tuna's dressing room,and
knocked on the door.Chaknee let her inside...

"How is she doing?" Lydia asked...

"She's almost ready."

Lydia took one look at Madame Tuna's hair,and a look of ANGER came over her
"Ready?! What about those big fluffy balls on each side of her fuckin' head?"

"You mean her hair puffs?" Chaknee questioned...

"Yes!I want those fuckin' things off!I want a new look for my star!"

Lydia walked over to Madame Tuna,and pointed at the chair in front of the
"SIT!" Lydia sternly instructed.Madame Tuna with a scared look on her face,
"Take down your hair!"

Lydia continued. Madame Tuna removed the gold ring bands that held her hair
puffs in place. When her hair frizzed out it was wildly thick,full,and huge.
Lydia was appalled...

"Look at your awful hair! It looks like a tumble weed tried to fuck your head!"

Lydia grabbed a big stiff brush from the vanity,and began to brush Madame
Tuna's hair violently hard,yanking her head back with each stroke...

"Hold your fuckin' head still!"

Screamed a very frustrated Lydia.As she went to brush it again,the brush
snagged on to Madame Tuna's hair.With all of her might,Lydia ripped out a large wad of hair.
She then threw the brush at the mirror,smashing it to pieces.Chaknee stepped in by making a
"Perhaps we can find a hairdresser to..."

"We don't have the fuckin' time!" Lydia sneered...

"Go get the groundskeeper,and have him bring the hedge clippers!I'll tame that
hideous mess on her head even if I have to hack the Bitch bald!"

Chaknee ran out of the dressing room,and down the hall.He was in shock at what
he witnessed.Normally Lady Tuna would have killed anyone who mistreated,or disrespected her,
but she just sat there taking Lydia's verbal & physical abuse.Something was very wrong. The
tyrant queen he served for many years no longer had a 'Back Bone',no will to destroy anything
that aggravated her.There was no way of telling if it was Lydia,or that musical monstrosity
between her legs was the cause of her emotional meltdown.

On the rooftop of the theatre,a mysterious figure in a brown cloak looks over
the Bee Bee protestors down below who are condemning Madame Tuna's performance.The figure then
opened a window,and snuck into the darkness of the theatre.Chaknee paced nervously outside the
dressing room door.He did what Lydia asked,and brought the groundskeeper to her.After an hour
of what sounded like a massacre inside,the door opened up...

"Come in,Chaknee?"

Summoned Lydia.When Chaknee entered the dressing room his face lit up when he
saw Madame Tuna's transformation...

"You're beautiful,my queen!"

"Thank you,Chaknee." Madame Tuna thanked him as she stepped into the light.She
wore a bright red lam'e lobster tail gown with a clam shell cutout in the crotch area.Her hair
was shaped into a perfectly rounded afro,and she was wearing gold clam shell earrings that
dangled from her ears.Chaknee looked over at the groundskeeper who smiled,and gave a thumbs up.
In his other hand was the hedge clippers all caked up with Madame Tuna's hair...

"Come,let's get her to the stage."

Everyone hurried down the hall to the stage.Madame Tuna & Chaknee stood on the
side as Lydia stepped out on to the stage to talk to the director & conducter about the show.
Little did Madame Tuna know that the brown cloaked figure was lurking in the darkness behind
her.It creeped up to her quickly,grabbed her wrist,and sharply turned her around to face it.
Madame Tuna screamed...


Chaknee jumped back,and covered his mouth in fright...

"Eh,you don't fool me Lady Tuna!I know you are up to goody!"

The cloaked figure said.Madame Tuna recognized the voice,but was trying to
figure out where she heard it before.Lydia came back to see what was going on...

"Who are you,and what's the meaning of upsetting my star?!"

"Eh?" The figure responded...

"Show yourself before I call security,and have you removed!"

The figure slowly removed the hood from his head.Madame Tuna's slanted eyes
widened in shock.She could not believe that standing before her was her old nemesis & lover
"Do you know this man,Madame Tuna?" Lydia asked...

"Yes,it's Mr.Beaner."

"Why are you here,Mr.Beaner? You are not on the guest list?" Lydia asked...

"Eh,to get to the nitty gritty on what is going on here."

"Madame Tuna is giving a performance tonight,and that is all."

"Eh,I don't believe you! I think she's up to something very naughty!"

"You're wrong about her,Mr.Beaner.She's a changed woman.A intergalactic
superstar.Now get lost!" Lydia continued...

"Eh,alright!Don't get your girdle in a knot!I have one question for Lady Tuna.
I want to know what happened to my darling FiFi?"

Madame Tuna turned to Mr.Beaner...

"To be honest with you,Mr.Beaner.I don't know what happened to FiFi Bee Bee.
Hubba Dula screwed me over.He ran off with the money I paid him,as well as a large cache of
my finest CHEESE.He was the only one who knew FiFi's fate,and he took that secret with him
when he was killed."


"FiFi is gone,Mr.Beaner.Could you find it in your Coo Coo heart to forgive me?"

"Eh,NO!No I won't!Your nothing but a piece of baked Doo Doo!You were Doo Doo
then,you're Doo Doo now,and you'll always be a piece of Doo Doo,no matter what you do!"

Mr.Beaner then turned around,and farted at Madame Tuna.In a dramatic fashion,
she ran back to her dressing room to cry.Lydia & Chaknee followed her...


Mr.Beaner responded,as he stood there confused.When Lydia & Chaknee arrived
at the dressing room,Madame Tuna was face down on the vanity crying...

"What is this? What are you doing?"

Lydia questioned.Madame Tuna raised her head to look at her...

"I don't like this! I don't like this at all! It's Mr.Beaner who should be
crying,not you.You are the STAR of your own show.You should be giddy,and full of life!"

Lydia told her...

"Well,what do you think,Chaknee?" Madame Tuna asked...

"Um,I hate to say this,but the high class broad is right.This whole evil
space queen thing is nothing more,but a bad clich'e.Your sad devotion to get revenge on
that old fart hasn't gotten you anywhere in the last 27 years,and let's face it,you're
tired old pancake ASS ain't getting any younger!"

Chaknee came clean with her...

"I should have you both executed,but you both are right.I should be on
that stage right now belting out a tune out of my twat instead of just sitting here in
my own tears."

"Then get your ASS out on that stage!"

Lydia commanded.A bright smile came over Madame Tuna's face as uplifting
music can be heard in the background...

"And make sure you keep that big smile on your face,don't make me get out


As Madame Tuna took center stage,several Bee Bees started throwing fruits,
vegetables,and fecal matter at her.Security had to escort them out of the theatre.Once
the audience settled down,and the music began to play,Madame Tuna's vagina started to





Madame Tuna made her way thru the produce covered stage to a sparkling
spiral staircase.She held her gown up a little as she climbed her way to the top.In
the glow of the spotlight,she raised her hand up gracefully,and smiled.For the first
time in her life,Madame Tuna's heart was filled with BLISS & GLEE...

Just when everything seemed peachy keen for Madame Tuna,a stampede of
Bee Bees busted in the front doors of the theatre,and stormed the stage.They were
attacking anyone that was involved in the production.Madame Tuna looked down to see
the whole stage flooded with rampant,angry Bee Bees.The Bee Bees surrounded the stair-
case,and began to shake it in hope that it would come crashing down.Madame Tuna held on
for dear life as the staircase jerked her back & forth...

"Chaknee,help me!"

Madame Tuna cried out as she tried to grasp her footing.Flipping over the
railing,Madame Tuna had fallin' down on to the stage.Several Bee Bees were smushed as
they broke her fall on impact...

"You nasty Bee Bees! Stay the fuck away from me!"

Madame Tuna shouted at them as they started to encroach on her.Without
warning they began to attack her.Beating,kicking,and smacking her silly.Two Bee Bees
were yanking her hair,as another one was jumping up & down on her boobs like a trampoline.

"Stop it!Stop it,you little fuckers!AAAAH!!!"

The Bee Bee attack became too much for Madame Tuna,and she passed out.It
took an hour for security to gather up the last of the Bee Bees from the damaged theatre.
Everything was trashed as they pulled out a battered & bruised Madame Tuna...

"Chaknee? Is dat you,Chaknee?"

Wondered a semi-concious Madame Tuna as she gazed at the blurred figure by
her side...
"Yes,I'm here for you,my queen."

"Where are they taking me?"

"You have to go to the hospital."

"The hospital? But why,Chaknee,why?"

"You have a oversized novelty pineapple stuck HOLE."

"My hole?!You mean my butthole?"

"No.The front one."

Madame Tuna looked down at her body,and could see the leaves of the pineapple
sticking out of her crotch like a house plant...


"It has to be surgically removed,your highness."


"Oh,for once will you please stop saying 'shit'?"


"Take her away! Oh,I need a vacation!"

As Mr.Beaner watched Madame Tuna being taken away.He lifted his hood over his
head,and walked out into the night.Though he never got the answer he seeked on what happened
to FiFi Bee Bee.He felt some relief knowing that Lady Tuna won't be in any condition to do
anything wicked for awhile...

A few days had passed since that horrible night at the theatre.Lady Tuna was
recuperating in the medical station aboard her vessel.She was strapped to a examination table
with her legs braced apart,and a large bandage covering her sore & tender crotch.The large
pineapple that was lodged in her was in a metal bowl beside her.Chaknee walked in with a
bouquet of flowers...

"How are you feeling,my queen?"

"Not too good,Chaknee."

"Oh,I'm sorry to hear that.Um,how are you down there?"

"It has had better days."

"Well,that's for certain."

"Where's Lydia?"

"She has packed up her tingays,and boarded her craft back to Dookyroid-Z."

"Is that so?"

"Yes,she said you really blew it,and you'll never be rich & famous.She also
said that you were the worse,most difficult client she has ever had."


"Yes,and she plans to sue you for the money she lost from investing in your
singing snatch."



"Hmm!Grab that sheet,and cover me with it,Chaknee.Sammymede?Wheel this table
to the Main Operations Bridge."

Lady Tuna's two loyal servants complied to her instructions,and wheeled her
to the bridge.When she arrived,her crew stood at attention...

"At ease,and viewer on."

Lady Tuna watched Lydia's shuttle heading back to Dookyroid-Z on the screen...

"Hail that Bitch!"

"Channel opened,my queen."

Lydia appears on the screen.She is surprised to see Lady Tuna on the monitor...

"Leaving so soon? I wouldn't hear of it? At least not without a 'going away
"Oh,and what present are you refering to?"

"You'll find out soon enough!Tee,Hee,Hee!Gunner,target that ship,and step to
the side!Sammymede,wheel me over to the weapons console!"

"You ungrateful CUNT! After all I've done for you!" Lydia shouted...

Sammymede moved Lady Tuna into position at the weapons console.She locked the
laser cannon on to Lydia's shuttle...

"Consider this a repayment,BITCH!"

Lady Tuna open fires,and hits the back of Lydia's shuttle with the laser...


Lydia screamed.Lady Tuna starts to giggle as she watches Lydia's frightened
face on the screen.The interior of Lydia's ship is engulfed in sparks,fire,and smoke.Lady
Tuna switches to a exterior shot of Lydia's flaming ship crashing into Dookyroid-Z...

"Nice shot,Madame Tuna." The gunner complimented...

An angry look comes over Lady Tuna's face as she grabs her gunner by the balls.
The examination table she's laying on moves up into the vertical position...


An outraged Lady Tuna picks up her gunner,and throws him across the bridge.
The white sheet covering her naked body falls to the floor...

"You hear me?! All of you will address me as LADY TUNA!The next motherfucker
that calls me 'MADAME' will get a head of CABBAGE shoved up their fuckin' ASS! Do I make
myself clear?!"

"YES,LADY TUNA!" The crew said in unison...

"No more of this fancy,glitter,song & dance shit!I'm gonna be the most wicked,
the most meanest,the most filthy,and the most evil queen of Funkoo EVER!Tee,Hee,Hee!!!"

Lady Tuna ripped off the bandage covering her crotch to reveal a new reconstructed,
robo-mechanized VAGINA (It starts making respirator sounds like Darth Vader)...


Chaknee smiled as he watched Lady Tuna giggling wildly.Though they still didn't
get the money they needed to keep her empire going.It was good to get his queen back.


Submitted: September 27, 2012

© Copyright 2022 Joseph Small. All rights reserved.

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