Roar Of The Tuna (Alternate Version)

Roar Of The Tuna (Alternate Version)

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Summary

The evil Lady Tuna takes revenge on the galaxy of Funkoo when her ex-lover Mr.Beaner tries to escape her advances.

Summary

The evil Lady Tuna takes revenge on the galaxy of Funkoo when
her ex-lover Mr.Beaner tries to escape her advances.

Content

Submitted: September 26, 2012

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: September 26, 2012

A A A

A A A



ROAR OF THE TUNA

(ALTERNATE VERSION)

WRITTEN AND ADAPTED BY

JOSEPH A. SMALL

2012

BASED ON A STORY BY GARY S. IRONS & JOSEPH A. SMALL



DATE: 1985
SYSTEM: FUNKOO
LOCATION: THE SAUCALEENA PEA

MRS. TALBOT is overwlooking the preparations for her wine & cheese tasting party when the
captain of her ship paged her...

"Mrs.Talbot,Coo Coo Command wishes to speak to you."

"Very well,patch me through."

Captain Florence Jean Flablicker appears on the monitor...

"How's the shindig coming along,Honey?" Captain Flablicker asked...

"Oh,quite well. Everything is coming along as planned. Little will the Tunakian Empire know
that my wine & cheese soiree is really a front for a secret meeting on getting rid of that vile floozy Lady Tuna."

"Oh,I hear ya,Honey. Give me an update on your progress,Flablicker out."

"Oh,will do."

Mrs.Talbot told her as the screen went blank.She then jumped a foot off the floor when
someone dropped & smashed a stack of dinner plates on the floor...

"Ooh,my goodness!"

PLUTON:
MORNING:

FiFi Bee Bee carried out a basket of muffins to Mr.Beaner who is busy working on the outside
of his ship THE PELICAN...
"Mr.Beaner?"

"Eh,what is it FiFi?"

"I made some muffins for you."

"Eh,FiFi I don't have the time! I'm trying to fix the ship!"

"But they're tasty."

"Tasty?"

"Why,yes."

"Eh,no! Not right now!"

"Please Mr.Beaner! Eat one!"

FiFi becomes persistent,and tries to force one of the muffins in his mouth. Mr.Beaner became
irritated,and slaps FiFi across the face...

"Ooh!" FiFi sqeaked as she rubbed her cheek...

"Eh,now FiFi stop it! I don't have time for all this crappytoo!"

Mr.Beaner yelled. He then went inside the ship to grab more tools. A feeling of sadness came
over FiFi when she stared at the muffin basket. The tender loving care she spent in her kitchenette making those muffins
for him went unnoticed.Just then,a dirty fingerless gloved hand with a rag wrapped around it reaches from behind FiFi,
and covers her mouth.It pulls her back,and whisks her away swiftly. Mr.Beaner comes out of the ship only to find the
basket of muffins dumped on the ground,and FiFi gone. He frantically looks around for her...

"Eh,FiFi?"


ORBIT OF TUNAKIA:

Lady Tuna's transport is heading for the Tuna Star (A giant space station fashioned to look
like her head giving a blowjob). She plans to use it on the Coo Coo,Cumbus,Clausin opposition forces,as well as plagiarize
the film "STAR WARS". Her trusted servant Chaknee waits on the deck inside the landing bay as Lady Tuna's ship docks. A
voice over the loud speaker introduces her...

"Presenting the Queen of Ca Ca,the Slut of Slime! Here's Lady Tuna!"

Chaknee bows on one knee as the fanfare music starts,and the transport doors open up to reveal
Lady Tuna. She's wearing gold clam shell breast plates,a brown pleated skirt,and she's draped in a chocolate lam'e cape.
Her crinkled hair is slicked up to a center point on her head with two jumbo size wheat colored hairpuffs on each side.
She is also wearing the royal crown of her mother,the late Queen Anna Tuna,who she had executed...

"You may rise,Chaknee." Lady Tuna said in a gruffed voice...

"How was your trip to Beebaria,my royal whoreness?" Chaknee asked...

"Excellent! The Astro Too Too Crunchers are doing a thorough job of harvesting the Bee Bees,
and depleting the moon of Beebaria of it's natural resources."

"What are you planning to do with all those Bee Bees?" Chaknee wondered...

"Well,they will be used as sex slaves at first,and then they will be processed into food."

"Food,my queen?"

"Yeahs! I'll put them in everything I eat! I'll have Bee Bee biscuits,Bee Bee pie,Bee Bee
pudding,Bee Bee sushi,Bee Bee ala king..."

One of her controllers interrupts her...

"We're receiving a signal from Captain Nornoola,my queen."

"Open a channel."

Captain Nornoola appears on the screen...

"Lady Tuna,we are enroute to the Saucaleena Pea."

"Oh,goody! That stuffy old Bitch Mrs.Talbot ain't gonna know what hit her! Wine & cheese my
fuckin' ass! I just hope that Mr.Beaner falls for the fake invitation I sent.Remember to bring him back alive. Any other
survivors are expendable."

"Yes,my queen. I won't fail you."

"You better not!"

"Oh,he's such an Asshole!" Chaknee confided to Lady Tuna...

"So,what? You were his gay lover before he went back to fucking chicks!"

Lady Tuna snapped. Chaknee stuck his tongue out at her,and walked out of the room.

THE PELICAN:

After discovering on their survaliance camera that FiFi was kidnapped by the booty hunter
Hubba Dula,Mr.Beaner & 2T2 where on their way to the Saucaleena Pea to see if Mrs.Talbot could help them by financing
a search party for FiFi...

"Eh,Mrs.Talbot gotta help us!" Mr.Beaner hoped...

"What doesn't compute is why did a rich broad like Mrs.Talbot invited us to some fancy party?"

"Eh,I don't know. I just want my FiFi back."

The Pelican approuches the Saucaleena Pea...

"They're hailing us." 2T2 told Mr.Beaner...

"Eh,open a channel."

Mrs.Talbot appears on the monitor...

"Yes?"

"Eh,yes.We were invited to some funky party."

"Your name?"

"It's Mr.Beaner."

"Mr.Wiener?"

"Eh,no,no,no! It's Mr.Beaner! B-E-A-N-E-R!"

"oh,very well. Your scans came out clear. Permission granted to come aboard.Please have your
invitation ready when you enter the wine & cheese tasting party."

"Eh,oh thank you! I look forward to your chives & peas tasting party."

Mrs.Talbot looks befuddled before ending her transmission.

DOING NASTY THINGS ON THE TUNA STAR:

Sammymede stepped off the elevator,and on to the dark bridge of the Tuna Star. He could hear
what sounded like Lady Tuna's gruff moaning along with the crinkly sound of soft vinyl. When he walks in to investigate,
he sees one of the commanders having sex with Lady Tuna...

"Ooh!Uhh!Oh,yeahs!AAAAH!"

Lady Tuna exhaled loudly as she had her orgasm...

"Commander,you can return to your station as soon as you put your uniform back on. Ah,Sammymede?
How are the Bee Bee executions coming along?"

"Quite well.However the Bee Bee queen is not cooporating as planned."

"Uh,huh.I see.Bring her to me."

"As you wish,my queen."

Two Tunakian guards drag the Bee Bee queen by the wrists to Lady Tuna...

"Get your hands off me!" The Bee Bee queen sneered in a high pitch voice as she struggled to
break free. A wicked grin came over Lady Tuna as the Bee Bee queen confronts her...

"Lady Tuna,I demand you release us at once!"

"Tee,hee,hee. I don't think so,dear."

Lady Tuna walks over to some red velvet drapes,and pulls them back to reveal what looks like a
futuristic wood chipper...
"You see this? This is my personal Cosmic Coo Coo Cruncher. Guards,put her in!"

"No,Lady Tuna,no! AAAH!!!"

Lady Tuna pulled the lever to activate the machine. The Bee Bee queen screams as the guards pick
her up,and throw her into the rotating blades.The machine makes a loud grinding noise as it shoots out green chunks of Bee
Bee flesh. Lady Tuna giggles wildly as she is splattered in green Bee Bee blood...

"Tee,hee,hee! Ah,she'll make a tasty pat'e for one of my sex orgies!"

WINE AND DINE ON THE SAUCALEENA PEA:

After docking onto the Saucaleena Pea,Mr.Beaner & 2T2 headed to the main ballroom...

"Did you fart?" 2T2 asked...

"Eh,no I didn't fart! It must be something they're cooking for din din." Mr.Beaner replied.
They were about to enter when the maitre d' stopped them...

"Pardon me,Sir. This is a formal affair,and you are not wearing a tie & jacket."

"Eh,I didn't know it was gonna be that fancy of a tingay."

"Do you have a invitation?"

"Eh,yes."

Mr.Beaner handed the maitre d' his invitation...

"This is not a official invitation,Mr.Beaner. You're not even on the guest list."

"Eh,Oh!"

Mrs. Talbot walks over to see what was going on...

"What's all this ruckus about?" Mrs.Talbot demanded to know...

"I'm sorry madam',but this gentleman showed up with a invalid invitation."

"I don't know what to say,Mr.Beaner.This isn't one of my invitations."

"Eh,well someone better tell me what the shittytoo is going on? And somebody better help me
find my FiFi too,or I'm gonna 'cut the cheese',and it's gonna smell worse than what you're serving in there!"

"Please,Mr.Beaner! Control yourself,or I'm going to call security to escort you out!"

Mrs.Talbot warned him.She then held his invitation up to her nose,and sniffed it...

"I say,this invitation smells like spoiled tuna fish?! Which can only mean one thing?..."

Just then something hit the side of the ship,and the red alert was activated. Mrs.Talbot
rushed over to the intercom...

"Captain,what is happening?"

"We are being attacked by a fleet of Tunakian Battle Boo Boos,Madam'!"

"Fire all weapons,Captain! Let this be a day in the books of Coo Coo history!"

Mrs.Talbot ordered.The Saucaleena Pea,and the Tunakian Armada exchanged weapon fire.Mr.Beaner &
2T2 decided to split the scene...

"Eh,come on 2T2? Let's get the fook out of here!"

Mr.Beaner told him as they rushed back to the Pelican. On the Tunakian flagship,one of the
commanders approaches Captain Nornoola...

"Captain Nornoola,we have found a weakness in the structure of that giant pea."

"Oh,do tell?"

"It's the large bay window that the main ballroom is located. We also believe that Mrs.Talbot
herself is there."

"Excellent! Lady Tuna will be pleased. Target that window,and fire the large laser cannon."

"With pleasure,Sir!"

Just as the Pelican detached itself,and took off. A huge laserblast from Captain Nornoola's
Boo Boo hit the Saucaleena Pea. As Mrs.Talbot watched the ballroom fill with a bright orange flash of light,two bricks
fell out from under her skirt,and hit the floor between her sensible shoes. The Saucaleena Pea exploded in waves of
pea soup...
"Eh,Mrs.Talbot is dead!" Mr.Beaner said as the Pelican headed towards the Dookyroid Field.
The Tunakian Armada were in persuit...

"Should we open fire,Captain Nornoola?"

"No. Lady Tuna wants Mr.Beaner alive. Activate the tractor beam when he is in range."

"Yes,sir."

"Quickly,2T2,activate the Hyper Coo Coo Drive! I don't want Lady Tuna getting her hands on
my meaties!"
"Hyper Coo Coo Drive activated."

"Eh,here we go! Oooh!!!"

Mr.Beaner shouted as he was pulled back by the g-forces. Captain Nornoola rubbed his eyes in
disbelief when the Pelican vanished in a flash...

"Where did Mr.Beaner go?!" Captain Nornoola wanted to know...

"That flying toilet must of had a hyper drive,or a warp drive on it,sir."

"Lady Tuna is going to be pissed if I don't bring that old fart back to her!"

"She'll probably have your balls for breakfast,sir."

"I'll just have to apologize,and make it up to her somehow. Perhaps if I can bring myself to
cornhole her poop chute it might make things right."

Captain Nornoola told his crew as beads of sweat rolled down his forhead,and a nervous smile
came over his face.

THE TUNA STAR AFFAIR:

Lady Tuna is lounging around the bridge of the Tuna Star when Chaknee entered...

"Your Whoreness,The guards have brought the Cookamungian ambassador as you requested."

"Excellent,Chaknee! Bring him to me!"

The guards bring in the ambassador in shackles...

"So,Ambassador? Are you willing to sign the treaty that will give the Tunakian Empire complete
control of the planet Cookamungus-X,or do I have to shove pepperoni sticks up your hinny again?"

"Never! You can suck all four of my penises,you filthy slut!"

"Oh,my ambassador! Your foul mouth is turning me on! Tee,hee,hee!"

"Two lesbians in a pot of baked beans would turn you on! So,what are you gonna do to me this time?
Burn my butt cheeks with hot pancakes?!"

"No! I'm not in a festive mood today. Perhaps I'll take a simple approach in making you see things
my way. Gunner,target the main laser cannon at the planet Cookamungus-X!"

"No,wait! Lady Tuna,I didn't mean to call you a 'Lezzie'."

"Tee,hee,hee! Oh,yes you did,and I am a 'Lezzie'! FIRE THE CANNON!"

"NOOO!!!"

"A bright orange blast from the mouth of the Tuna Star hit one of the floating landscapes of
Cookamungus-X. The massive platform came crashing down on the planet's surface,injuring & killing millions of Cookamungians.
The ambassador grabbed one of the guards' pistols,and pointed at Lady Tuna.He was very pissed off...

"You fuckin' Bitch! I'll kill you!" He shouted. His hand shaking with rage...

"Tee,hee,hee! That's okay, cuz I'm gonna kill you first!"

Lady Tuna said as she pulled out her laser pistol,and shot the ambassador dead...

"You know my queen,if Coo Coo Command finds out about this?..."

"Ooh,I'm so scared,Chaknee! Besides, I see it as self defense!

ON THE EDGE OF THE DOOKYROID FIELD:

After escaping the evil clutches of the Tunakian Empire,Mr.Beaner & 2T2 were taking a break when
they received a faint signal coming from the Dookyroid Field...

"Help,help! I'm drowning in the quicksand!" Said a tiny girl's voice over the intercom...

"Eh,2T2? Where is that signal coming from?" A concerned Mr.Beaner asked...

"It's coming from Dookyroid-X."

"Eh,Dookyroid-X? You think it could be FiFi?"

"It doesn't sound like FiFi."

"Help,help! I'm drowning in the quicksand!" Repeated the girl's voice...

"Eh,set a coarse for Dookyroid-X,2T2. I have to find out who that girl is."


CAPTAIN NORNOOLA'S BALLS:

Captain Nornoola was very nervous when he arrived at the Tuna Star. He had failed in delivering
Mr.Beaner to Lady Tuna,and now he hopes that she'll forgive him...

"Ah,Captain Nornoola! Welcome back! I don't see Mr.Beaner with you. I hope you didn't put my
former lover in the deep freeze?"

"No,Lady Tuna. Mr.Beaner must of had some sort of Hyper Coo Coo Drive on his toilet based ship.
We were unable to catch him. I'm deeply sorry,my queen."

"Oh,that's okay. I'm not mad." Lady Tuna said calmly...

"You're not?" Captain Nornoola was surprised by her response...

"No...Now pull down your pants!" Lady Tuna demanded as her mood switch to evil bitch mode...

"What?"

"Do it!"

Captain Nornoola slowly pulled down his pants & underwear to his ankles...

"My,my,my! Looky,looky,looky! What a big massive cock you have,Captain? And your balls? Thick,
round,and plump!"

Lady Tuna grabbed Captain Nornoola's penis & testicles,and yanked on them really hard...

"No,Lady Tuna! Please,I need those!"

"Well,I need them too! FOR MY BREAKFAST!!!"

"AAAAAAAH!!!!"

With all of her might,Lady Tuna ripped off Captain Nornoola's genitals with her bare hands.
Nornoola fell to the floor with blood squirting out of his crotch. Lady Tuna stood over him with a wicked grin on her face,
holding his bloody manhood in her hand. Chaknee looked away in disgust...

"Sammymede,take these balls to the kitchen,and have them prepared for my breakfast."

"Yes,my queen."

Lady Tuna plopped them in his hands,and he scurried away.

DOOKYROID-X:
ENTER PRINCESS COO COO:

Mr.Beaner & 2T2 explored the caverns Of Dookyroid-X,until they stumbled upon a chamber that
housed a young girl with short blonde hair,lupid blue eyes,and a very big head. She was stuck in a pool of melted orange
cheese...

"2T2,what the fook is that?" Mr.Beaner wondered as he pointed at the pit of cheese...

"It looks like a kewpie doll in a bowl of mac & cheese."

They moved in closer,and discovered the unusually proportioned girl stuck in the cheese...

"Hello?" Greeted the girl who was looking up at them...

"Eh,hello. I'm Mr.Beaner,and this is 2T2."

"Ooh,please to meet you. I'm Princess Coo Coo."

"Eh,Princess Coo Coo?"

"Why,yes. Princess Coo Coo."

"Eh,how did you end up here?"

"I don't know? I was taking a nap under a apple tree,and then I woke up here in this cheese."

"Eh,cheese?"

"Ooh! Why,yes."

"But, why did you say you were drowning in the quicksand?"

"You tell me? If you heard a girl say 'I'm drowning in the cheese',would you save her?"

"Eh,well?..."

"Listen, can we skip this shit,and get the fuck out of here? My sensi-meaties are getting a
bad case of fungus foo foo."

"Eh,yes 2T2. Go ahead of us,and get the ship ready. I'll get Princess?..."

"Coo Coo!"

"Princess Coo Coo out of the cheese."

As 2T2 went back to the ship,Mr.Beaner pulled Princess Coo Coo out of the fondue pit by her head.


THE TUNA STAR:
BREAKFAST WITH LADY TUNA:

Lady Tuna is enjoying her special breakfast when Chaknee entered the bridge...

"Are you enjoying your...um...balls,my queen?" Chaknee asked...

"Oh,yeahs! They're so tender & tasty. I should eat dick more often. Would you like to try some,
Chaknee?"
"No thank you,my queen. I think I'll stick to the usual suck & blow."

"So,what's on this morning's agenda?"

"That disgusting Booty Hunter called Hubba Dula is here to see you."

"Oh,goody! Send him in."

A large man with buck teeth,and chubby,rosey cheeks enters the bridge. He has four plastic tubes
on his face,squirting green mucus on his nose & mouth...

"You summoned me, Lady Tuna?" Hubba Dula asked...

"Yes,Hubba Dula. I did. I have something that I want you to do for me?"

"You mean we're gonna?!..." A horny Hubba Dula thought as he pulled down his pants...

"Oh,get serious! I wouldn't touch your hinny with a ten foot pole! What I'm offering is a little
proposition that I'm sure you would like?"

"Well,lay it on me?"

"One of my spy meaties found something of interest to me on Dookyroid-X. I want you to go there,
and bring Mr.Beaner,2T2,and Princess Coo Coo back to me. Do you like?"

"Yes,I like!"

"Then get going before they leave."

"Oh,I will! Believe me I will! Ho,ho,ho,ho!"

"Tee,hee,hee,hee,hee!"

Both Lady Tuna & Hubba Dula laughed as they put their plan in affect.

DOOKYROID-X:
MR.BEANER VERSUS HUBBA DULA:

"Eh,that's odd?"

"What is it,Mr.Beaner?" Princess Coo Coo wondered...

"I don't remember how to get back to the ship."

"Oh,really? This place reminds me of when I was a little girl."

"Eh,that's nice."

"I got lost in a cave,and I didn't know what to do?"

"Eh, I really don't care."

"My uncle found me,and I was safe. A few years later my uncle became a transvestite,and he bought
a condo on Pluton."
"That's it!"

"You want to become a transvestite,and buy a condo on Pluton?"

"Eh,no,no,no! I found the path that leads to the Pelican."

Mr.Beaner & Princess Coo Coo froze in their tracks when they heard a deep,echoed,sinister laugh
in the darkness...
"Ho,ho,ho,ho!"

"Oooh! Who is that?!" Asked a frightened Princess Coo Coo...

A large figure came out of the darkness to reveal himself...It was HUBBA DULA...

"Eh,Hubba Dula?!" Mr.Beaner said out loud...

"Quite right!" Hubba Dula snared...

"What have you done with my darling FiFi?"

"If you think I'm gonna tell you that FiFi is being shipped to the Funkalooka galaxy? You are out
of your funky little mind!"

Mr.Beaner pulled out his laser pistol,and aimed it at Hubba Dula...

"You can't possibly hurt me,Mr.Beaner!"

"No,but I can shoot at those rocks above your head!"

"What?! Argh!!!"

Mr.Beaner blasted at the rocks,and they came crashing down on Hubba Dula. He then grabbed Princess
Coo Coo,and they both ran down a dark passageway. 2T2 was warming up the ship when they emerged out of the dark,and headed up
the Pelican's ramp...
"Eh,get us the fuck off this giant turd,2T2!"

"What the fuck is going on? Where have you two been?"

"Eh,oh,nevermind! Hubba Dula is here!"

Hubba Dula pushed off the rocks,and ran to his ship when the Pelican took off...


© Copyright 2018 Joseph Small. All rights reserved.

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