Captain Tuna Forever

Captain Tuna Forever

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor

Summary

Lady Tuna becomes a space pirate,and causes more problems for Mr.Beaner.

Summary

Lady Tuna becomes a space pirate,and causes more problems for
Mr.Beaner.

Content

Submitted: September 27, 2012

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: September 27, 2012

A A A

A A A






CAPTAIN TUNA FOREVER

WRITTEN BY

JOSEPH A. SMALL

2012



AFTER SPREADING FEAR THROUGHOUT FUNKOO FOR THE PAST YEAR BY STEALING SPATULAS,
CAPTAIN TUNA (LADY TUNA),AND HER CREW OF BOOTY HUNTERS ABOARD THE TUNAKIAN SHIP THE "BOOTANNA" HAVE SET A COURSE FOR THE
TELEVISION STUDIOS OF DOOKYROID-Z.FIFI BEE BEE WAS TAPING HER COOKING SHOW WHEN THIS SHIT HAPPENED...

"Hello! This is FiFi Bee Bee,and welcome to another exciting episode of 'Cooking
With FiFi'.On today's show I plan to whip up a tasty meal that the whole family can enjoy."

FiFi smiled into the camera...

"Perhaps we can spice things up a bit! Tee,hee,hee!"

Said a gruffed woman's voice.The camera pans over to reveal Captain Tuna,and her
crew on FiFi's set...
"Ooh! Lady Tuna!" FiFi screamed...

"That's Captain Tuna to you,Bitch!"

"Get off my show you filthy Whore!" FiFi demanded...

"Not until you surrender your spatula to me!"

"Never!"

"Very well,FiFi! Booty Hunters do your worst!"

The Booty Hunters began to attack everything & everyone on the set.FiFi screamed
wildly as Fatty & Cocky Crumbcakes bounced her back & forth on their bellies.Captain Tuna grabbed a ladle,and plunged it in
a pot of soup that FiFi had made.She brought it up to her lips,and sipped it,making a wincing face...

"Yuck! This soup is bland and tasteless as you are,FiFi. Perhaps I'll give it my
own personal touch to bring out the flavor!"

Captain Tuna placed the pot on the floor,lifted up her skirt,and pissed in it.
FiFi looked on in horror as the hot yellow stream contaminated her soup...

"You ugly hag! You ruined it!" FiFi screamed,as Fatty & Cocky held her back...

"I disagree!" Captain Tuna snapped,as she took another taste...

"Mmmmmm! Now that's good soup! Tee,hee,hee!"

"Oh,I'm gonna vomit!" FiFi gagged. Jeaneetee Hoostydia quickly grabbed a baking
dish,and held it under FiFi's chin,as she hurled a pile of puke in it...

"Now to bake it at 350 degrees for an hour until it is golden brown."

Jeaneetee giggled into the camera as she placed the baking dish in the oven
(using a cooking show gimmick,there was a second baking dish inside). Jeaneetee pulled out the pre-baked puke as Captain
Tuna grabbed a fork,and tasted it...

"Mmmmm! Yummy! I think me taste a hint of bacon in it! Tee,hee,hee!"

Butterbean Cuddly Chops loaded his launcher,and shot a few turd grenades into
FiFi's ovens. The Booty Hunters laughed when the oven doors blew out with gushing,foaming shit.This was too much for FiFi
to take,and she passed out...
"Take her with us! The ship needs a cook!"

Captain Tuna ordered.She, and her crew departed Dookyroid-Z.


THE PLANET PLUTON:
Mr.Beaner was napping aboard the Pelican when 2T2 summoned him...

"I think you better see this,Mr.Beaner?"

"Eh,if it's more of that robo-porn you like to watch,you can forget it!"

"No,you Beanhead! It's a news report!"

"Eh,it's always something in this shitty galaxy!"

"WE BRING YOU A SPECIAL REPORT FROM DOOKYROID-Z.CELEBRITY HOMEMAKER PERSONALITY
FIFI BEE BEE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED BY THE RUTHLESS SPACE PIRATE CAPTAIN TUNA. IT HAPPENED THIS MORNING WHEN MISS BEE BEE WAS
TAPING HER COOKING SHOW."

"Eh,oh no!" Mr.Beaner shouted in shock...

"WE NOW TAKE YOU TO DOOKYROID-Z WHERE SALLY MACIOUS:GIRL REPORTER IS STANDING BY.
SALLY,CAN YOU DESCRIBE THE SCENE THERE?"
"YES,STANLEY. EVERYONE HERE IS SHAKENED UP BY WHAT TOOK PLACE ON THE SET OF FIFI
BEE BEE'S COOKING SHOW THIS MORNING.CAPTAIN TUNA,AND HER CREW OF MISFIT BOOTY HUNTERS BESIEGED THE SHOW WITH THEIR BRAND OF
FILTH.THEY TORMENTED MISS BEE BEE BEFORE WISKING HER AWAY,AND STEALING HER SPATULAS.NORMALLY THIS PLACE IS FILLED WITH THE
AROMA OF HOME COOKING & BAKING,BUT NOW REEKS WITH THE STENCH OF PISS,SHIT,AND VOMIT."

"Eh,oh my goodness!" Mr.Beaner responded with great concern...

"ALL WE CAN DO NOW IS PRAY THAT CAPTAIN TUNA WILL SHOW HER MERCY,AND SHE IS
RETURNED SAFELY HOME.THIS IS SALLY MACIOUS REPORTING.NOW BACK TO THE STUDIO."

"Eh,oh we must save my darling FiFi!" Mr.Beaner declared...

"What? Not again?!" 2T2 feared...

"Yes,again!" Mr.Beaner told him...

"Why should we stick our necks out? She broke up with you,remember? Let Coo Coo
Command handle it!"
"Eh,by the time Coo Coo Command does anything, Lady Tuna will be doing naughty
tingays to her meaties,like squeezing & licking FiFi's tatas!"

"How exactly are we suppose to find her? Lady Tuna is no longer on Tunakia."

"Eh,think about it,2T2? If you were a pirate,where would you hide out?"

"The Dookyroid Field?"

"Eh,yes! She kidnapped FiFi from Dookyroid-Z without a trace. I have a funky
feeling in my meaties they didn't go far."


BACK ON THE BOOTANNA:

Captain Tuna was laying across her rounded bed,admiring a spatula when one of her
crew members buzzed her door...
"Enter!" She shouted in her gruffed voice.Butterbean Cuddly Chops entered her
lavished cabin...
"What is it,Butterbean?"

"It's FiFi Bee Bee. She refuses to prepare lunch,and the tourists have arrived."

"So,she's being a naughty girl is she?"

"Yes,what are we gonna do?"

"Don't get your panties in a knot. I have a plan that just might persuade her to
do what we ask."
"And,that is?"

"Never fuckin' mind! Geez,you're just like fuckin' Chaknee! Here's what I want you
to do? Have one of the Booty Hunters take our guests to the orgy room,and show them around the sex toy display cases,then bring
FiFi with you,and meet me at the kitchen. I'll take care of this bullshit once and for all! Tee,hee,hee!"

ON THE PELICAN:

Mr.Beaner contacted Captain Florence Jean Flablicker of Coo Coo Command to see if
they can provide a Boo Boo to take on Lady Tuna's ship,and save FiFi...

"What is it,Honey?" Captain Flablicker asked on the video screen...

"Eh,yes. This is Mr.Beaner..."

"I know who you are,Honey! What do you want?"

"I need a powerful Boo Boo to rescue my darling FiFi?"

"No,I'm sorry,Honey! Those are for military purposes only! As far as we are concern,
FiFi Bee Bee is not a priority!"
"Eh,I don't believe it! I did my share of service to Coo Coo Command over the years,
at least you can do is give me some help,you big boobied Bitch!"

"Oh,no you didn't call me that,Honey?!"

"Eh,if the bra fits,wear it!" Mr.Beaner snapped. Captain Flablicker was filled with
rage at what he said to her...
"You wait till I get my fuckin' hands on you,you dirty old fucker,Honey! Commander,
set a course for the Boo Boo Cluster!"
"But,captain?..."

"Just do it! Don't make me slap your face,Honey!"

"What the fuck are you doing?" 2T2 asked...

"Eh,it's the only way I can get her here,and follow me to find FiFi."

"Or get us blasted to pieces! She's really pissed off!" 2T2 warned him...

"Eh,well goody! If you're afraid 2T2 then stay here on Pluton."

"What and miss all the action? I can just jettison myself out of the Pelican when
she destroys it."
"Eh,real funny! Take the ship into a upper orbit around Pluton until Florence comes."

Mr.Beaner instructed.

THE BOOTANNA:
FIFI'S IN THE KITCHEN:

Captain Tuna arrived at the kitchen where Butterbean Cuddly Chops,and FiFi Bee Bee
were waiting...
"FiFi,it has been brought to my attention that you don't want to make lunch for me,
and my guests?" Captain Tuna questioned her...

"No,no! I'll never cook for you! Never!" FiFi shouted. Captain Tuna didn't seemed
phased by FiFi's refusal...
"Uh,huh. That's such a pity. I would hate to see me kitchen go to waste."

Captain Tuna said as she opened the metal doors to her kitchen. FiFi's eyes bugged
out of her head at what she saw,for inside was a vast state of the art kitchen with every kitchen utensil,cookware,bakeware,and
appliance imaginable,as well as a fully stocked walk in pantry.FiFi felt herself compelled to go inside,and cook up a meal...

"Ooh! No,I must resist!" FiFi chirped...

"Now FiFi,it's useless to resist. I know damn well you want to go in there,and
fricasee something tasty,don'tcha?"
"No,I can't!"

"Oh,but you will.The urge to grab a skillet festers within you."

FiFi started to break down,and cry...

"(Boo,hoo)Ooh,you're right! I'm so weak!(Sniff)"

"Oh yeahs,FiFi. I know,I know.Look on the bright side.You get to do what you like
to do.Cook,stew,bake,roast,and barbecue anything you like,and you won't get any complaints from me.Believe me,after gorging
on shit,and drinking piss,I can pretty much eat anything you dish out on my plate.Tee,hee,hee!"

Holding back her tears,FiFi took a few steps inside the kitchen,and looked around...

"Well,how about it? Do you like?" Captain Tuna asked...

"Yes,yes I like." FiFi replied...

"Oh,goody! Tee,hee,hee!"

LATER THAT NIGHT...
After feasting on the huge banquet FiFi cooked for her,Captain Tuna retired to her
cabin,unaware she was about to be reunited with an old friend...

"Oh,me haven't had a big din din like that in years."

Captain Tuna thought to herself as she plopped on her bed,and burped.As she layed
there,she had noticed a twinkle of light flickering in the corner of her eye...

"What the fuck is dat?"

She said out loud when she turned over to see a swirl of light growing into a vortex.
Suddenly,someone leaped out of it,and on to the floor...

"Holy fuckin' shitballs! Is that you,Sammymede?"

"Yes,it's me,Lady Tuna."

"It's Captain Tuna now.What happened,Sammymede? I thought you were dead."

"No,I managed to escape the Turdbot invasion,before it spreaded all over Tunakia."

"But why did you waited so long to return?"

"I had to stay in hiding,because of my involvement with the Turdbots."

"Uh,huh."

"I was wondering if I could hide out here on your ship,and be reinstated as your
scientist,and cook? In secret." Sammymede requested...

"You can stay here as long as you like Sammymede,but I ain't keeping hush about
shit.No reason to keep secrets around here,especially when I'm in deep shit with the galaxy again. I already got someone doin'
the cookin',so that leaves you as my science officer."

"Who's cooking for you?" Sammymede wondered...

"FiFi Bee Bee."

"FiFi Bee Bee?"

"Yeahs! The culinary goddess herself,and she's mine,Sammymede,all mine."

"Is her cooking impressive?"

"She made the most juicy & moist Porkenese roast that I ever tasted,right down
to the fuckin' pan drippings."
"Wow!"


PLUTON'S ORBIT:
THE PELICAN:
Mr.Beaner & 2T2 jumped up when their long range scanners picked up a Boo Boo
coming in their direction...
"Eh,what is it,2T2?"

"It's the Cartoona.Florence must be on it!"

The Cartoona entered the Boo Boo Cluster,homing in on the Pelican...

"Captain Flablicker,there seems to be a floating toilet orbiting the planet Pluton."

"Target that toilet,and open fire,Honey!"

The Cartoona shot a stream of lasers at the Pelican...

"The tank section has been hit!" 2T2 confirmed...

"Set a course for the Dookyroid Field,2T2!" Mr.Beaner ordered...

"Captain Flablicker,the Pelican is leaving the Boo Boo Cluster."

"I can see that,Honey! Follow them,and see if you can knock out their engines!"

The Cartoona continued firing weapons,and chasing the Pelican out of the Boo Boo
Cluster.


THE BOOTANNA:
THE SCIENCE OF SAMMYMEDE:
A few hours had past since Sammymede's return,and now Captain Tuna payed him a visit
to his lab...

"Whatcha makin',Sammymede? Any new sex toys me can use on myself?"

"No,captain. Since I've been gone,I have been working on two new gizmos that may
be useful in our predicament."
"Uh,huh?"

"The first device is the QUANTUM HYPER MEATIE EXCELLORATOR,allowing us to travel
anywhere in the galaxy by exciting every meatie in it's range. The second one is the EROSHINA EQUALIZATION ENGINE. I managed
to fix the problems that earlier eroshina generators have had,and perfected it. Now we'll be able to do that no other Coo Coo,
Cumbus,or Clausin couldn't do before...leave the galaxy of Funkoo."

"Oh,Goody!" Captain Tuna shouted. She was quite pleased.

CHASING TOILETS:
Mr.Beaner & 2T2 made it to the Dookyroid Field as Captain Flablicker was still
on their tails...
"Eh,2T2,fly into the Dookyroid Field,and scan for any rogue Tunakian ships."

"We're not actually going inside the Dookyroid Field again?"

"Eh,would you prefer a fight to the death with Captain Flablicker?"

"The Cartoona has popped into range.I'm setting a course into those floating turds."

ON THE CARTOONA:

"Captain Flablicker,the Pelican has entered the Dookyroid Field."

"Then go in there after them,Honey!"

"But,captain,it's far too dangerous! Our shields may not hold up against those big
hardy chunks of frozen shit!"
"You better go in there,Honey! Don't make me bust one of my high heeled boots up in
your ass!" Captain Flablicker threatened...
"Setting a course for our impending doom,Captain."

"And don't get fuckin' smart either,Honey!"

ON THE PELICAN:
2T2 had picked up a Tunakian ship on his scanners...

"Holy shit! I don't believe it! I'm picking up a Tunakian signature floating above
the Dookyroid Belt!"
"Eh,try to hunt it down,2T2! I just hope that naughty Lady Tuna is onboard!"

ON THE BOOTANNA:
Captain Tuna jumped up when the red alert was activated.She reached over to the
intercom...
"Ugh! What now?"

"Our sensors have detected two ships closing in on our position,one looks like a
toilet,and the other is a Boo Boo." Dee Dee CaCa informed her...

"Oh,it's that Mr.Beaner again! He probably wants to save his ex-girlfriend,that
sappy old turd!"
"Something strange is going on."

"What do you mean?" Captain Tuna questioned...

"The Boo Boo is attacking Mr.Beaner's ship."

"Huh?"

"It appears to be trying to disable,or destroy it with it's lasers."

"It has to be some kind of trick to confuse me.Coo Coo Command are always trying
to pull shit like this,because they think I'm a stupid Bitch. Patch me to Sammymede in the engine room."

Sammymede appears on a small video screen...

"Yes,Captain Tuna?"

"Sammymede,have you hooked up those two tingays to the Bootanna's systems?"

"Yes,but they haven't been tested yet.It could be dangerous,or even fatal to our
meaties if used."
"I don't care! There's some shit going on outside the ship that I don't like,and
I want to get the fuck out of here!"

Traveling at super coo coo speed,the Pelican got too close to the Bootanna,and
were about to crash into it head on...
"Eh,oh,2T2 watch out! Ooooh!!!" Mr.Beaner shouted out of fear...

"I can't move out of the fuckin' way in time!"

"Eh,OOOOOOH!!!!" Mr.Beaner held on for dear life as the Pelican smashed into the
Bootanna.It was wedged halfway in the hole it made. Captain Tuna ran down the gridded catwalk to find a giant toilet bowl
sticking in the side of her ship...

"What the fuck is this shit?!" Captain Tuna shouted in anger. The Booty Hunters
surrounded the Pelican with weapons drawn. Captain Tuna grabbed the loud speaker microphone...

"Get out of that big toilet,Mr.Beaner! We have your hinny surrounded! There's
nothing you can do but to surrender to me! Tee,hee,hee!"

Mr.Beaner & 2T2 cautiously came out of the Pelican,as the Booty Hunters pointed
their laser rifles at them,and sneered...
"As much as I look forward to your visit,Mr.Beaner. You think next time you can
try docking your ship?"
"Eh,cut the crap,you hinny sniffing hag! I wanna know where FiFi is?"

"FiFi is just fine,funky,and dandy! You puckered old Asshole!"

Something just hit the side of the Bootanna...

&


© Copyright 2021 Joseph Small. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

Other Content by Joseph Small

More Great Reading

Popular Tags