Pamela and Joseph

LETTER I

 

MY DEAR SISTER, 

 

I feel it incumbent upon myself to take up my pen to acquaint you of those things that have happened here since I took up post as footman to my Lady BOOBIES.  For, no sooner had I taken up this post in place of our dear brother ARCHIE than my lady desired that I should meet with her shortly within her own chamber.  My ladys maid Maria being at that time engaged elsewhere my lady desired me that I should carry out for her certain of those little services which ladies of that refinement often require.  

 

However had I just started upon my appointed task than my lady opined that personal cleanliness was of all things the most important to a lady of her distinction.  She therefore desired of me that I should draw a hot bath and place it within her chamber.  Cleanliness being a virtue that is next only to Godliness, and I being, as you well know dear SISTER a virtuous person, this was a task that I was most willing to perform, and it was within an half hour that the steaming bath was fully prepared.  

 

Consider my surprise then when my lady indicated that it was not she that was to partake of the bath, but myself; she desiring therefore that I should remove my clothes and sit within the confines of the bath in order to clean myself sufficiently for her ladyships requirements.  On my wondering whether such would be seemly for such a virtuous person as I, she declared that nothing could be more seemly than that her footman should be clean; therefore at her bidding did I remove my clothes and my lady declaring that she had not seen a sight so admirable many a long year she proceeded to soap me down with that French soft soap that I have yet seen for sale at one guinea an ounce at Simpsons in the Strand.  

 

This demonstration of good offices on the part of my lady was yet followed by a greater demonstration as she took it on herself personally to ensure that cleanliness of my privy parts by massaging them thoroughly with soap.  I enquired of my lady if further services was yet required of me, but, cried she, the clock is not yet ready to be wound and you may yet dress yourself in your livery that you may continue to assist me with my ablutions.  

 

So, DEAR SISTER, you may yet tell from this that I am now greatly established in my ladys favour, and appear high in her esteem, and hope in time to rise even further remaining always your dear brother, 

 

JOSEPH

 

LETTER II

 

MY DEAR BROTHER, 

 

Delighted am I that you are spending your time so profitably in the service of my lady Boobies.  Here I am yet employed as milkmaid in the service of Squire Winkle who as fate would have is also much exercised by the need for personal cleanliness.  For whenever does he come to see me in the milking parlour he always exercises himself by a thorough washing under the yard pump by which needs necessitates that he should divest himself of all his clothes; thereupon his want of personal skill requiring him to seek assistance he calls upon me to scrub for him those parts of the corpus not easily attained by personal hand; and in particular he requires that those manly parts which needs must be maintained for the delight of ladies to be well scrubbed and handing me a scrubbing brush he abjures me to do go at it with a will in which action I am only too willing to oblige.  For this he thanks me most profusely and commends me at all accounts above our dear sister JULIE whom he castigates for her noxious habit of singing at all times; an act which, though well suited to the habits of a milkmaid, cannot but bring impatient thoughts to a gentleman waiting to be scrubbed.

 

Be sure dear BROTHER that you stay within the good favour of your lady, as I will endeavour in respect of the good squire, that we might by our efforts raise our dear PARENTS from that poverty into which cruel fate has sent them.

 

Remaining ever your virtuous sister,

 

PAMELA

 

LETTER III

 

MY DEAR SISTER

 

Full glad was I to hear that you remain so high in the favour of the good squire, for much ill has befallen me here.  For yesterday, my Lady sending for me in the absence once more of her maid Maria, I divested myself of my garments that I might again bathe at my Ladys bidding.  She however declared that I should wind the ClOCK as that day was propitious for such activity.  On my being unable to accomplish this feat, and the ClOCK remaining unwound, my lady became sore vexed and opined that this resulted from my partaking much of small beer.  Although denying this, my Lady insisted that I would benefit from relieving myself of such liquid as I had partaken of by that natural function of which all men (although I know not of women) are provided.  Upon my saying that I could not venture forth to the privy unclothed she opined that I should perform the necessary function through the open window, for which reason she herself raised the sash.  Sad it was that she remained unequal to the task of securing it in place for it descended with such force that had I not moved with some alacrity I must have suffered an injury of no little consequence.

 

Strange to tell, upon returning, my ladys maid Maria did say that such an identical accident had befallen our brother ARCHIE and that he, unable to withdraw with sufficient precipitation, had suffered the same injury as I had just avoided.  This, dear SISTER explains much, and in particular the strange high voice with which he is now afflicted.

 

Having been unable to perform this natural function, and the ClOCK being still unwound my lady became even more vexed.  Maria, being now returned, was bid then to chastise me with my ladys favourite hairbrush, and I could escape but with difficulty and no more than a pair of strikes upon my posterior, by the expedient of fleeing across the lawn in my still natural state pursued by a bevy of undermaids.

 

Now I remain awaiting the call of my Lady with some trepidation,

 

Your affectionate brother

 

JOSEPH

 

LETTER IV

 

MY DEAR BROTHER

 

You concern me much with your tale of strikes upon the posterior, for a tale of not wholly differing circumstance has occurred here; for yesterday Squire WINKLE did take me with him upon an expedition hunting across his estate.  The Squire, riding as he was with his friend Mr HARDON, partook of a Steeple Chase by which the loser must pay a wager.  Mr HARDON having won the race, the squire being but a poor rider, demanded as wager that he take my garments for himself.  So shamed was I to be left standing in my small clothes open to the gaze of the gentry, and fearing indeed designs upon that virtue which I have protected these four and twenty years, that fain I would have performed that bodily function which you describe (which is indeed the lot of women also) within the confines of my nether garment; but the good squire, gallant as ever did throw off his clothes that I might wear them; he being necessitated to run home in that very state of nature you mention.  Indeed, being so ashamed himself of his actions, he did give me his riding crop and invite me to strike him across the posterior with it should I catch him as he ran.  

 

Understanding the need of a virtuous girl to chastise the wicked for the sin of wagering, wherein he had embarked, I ran with some fury and was indeed able to land one good blow before he obtained the sanctuary of the Manor.  The Squire admitted himself much chastened by this experience and has asked that I keep him corrected should he stray from the straight path of virtue again.  For surely so is virtue rewarded for those who follow it, and naughty deeds of naughty men punished.

 

LETTER V

 

MY DEAR SISTER

 

Such has been my falling out of favour with my lady that I fear that I may not much longer hold my position within her household; indeed I fear that I must needs quit these purlieus and take me to London, that den of vice wherein our brother ARCHIE doth currently tread the boards within the theatre of Drury Lane with his constant companion BROUGH.  For twas only yesterday that my lady once again summoned me to her presence and declared that I was to act as footman at an evening gathering of the ladies of the neighbourhood.  

 

By whim my lady had decided that I should be arrayed as a Scotchman and dressed in the native costume of that race to wit a short kilted skirt or filibeg made of checked cloth.  Having dressed myself in this strange attire I was loathe to disport myself before the ladies, the skirt being short and no nether garments being provided; indeed my fear proved justified as it appeared to me that I was requested more often than was seemly to retrieve articles from the floor; the act of doing which revealed my bare posterior to the not unamused gathering.  

 

Sadly worse was to befall, as after consuming more gin that I would have thought seemly the Duchess of Marlborough made so bold as to claim the filibeg for herself leaving my nether parts unprotected from the attentions of the ladies; which act accomplished she forthwith declared that she was for a game of pop the weasel on hearing which I withdrew precipitously and have not dared speak to my lady again.

 

I am currently in hiding beneath the pantry steps your wretched BROTHER

 

JOSEPH

 

LETTER VI

 

MY DEAR BROTHER

 

Oh how I fear for your virtue; to dress a servant as a Scotchman is certainly a sign that an attempt is to be made upon the pinnacle.  As for pop the weasel it is but a charming game often played by Squire WINKLE and his friends; many times have they come into my parlour and each displaying his own peculiar weasel they have asked me which is to be popped.  Oft times have I chosen the weasel of the good squire as his penchant is for me to assist in the popping which is a delightful activity for a young girl of nine and thirty years such as I; and not at all insalubrious as has hinted that Mrs Dawkins what is always making comments about my virtue and how wasnt it about time it was assailed.

 

Pray, dear BROTHER, do not take yourself to Drury Lane for I mistrust that BROUGH whose influence on poor ARCHIE is not beneficial, indeed I have noted that ARCHIE says but nought save in the presence of BROUGH.

 

I hear from our dear SISTER Julie that she has betaken herself into the domain of the Holy Roman Emperor and do much fear for her virtue.

 

Be of good heart dear BROTHER and obey always the command of lady BOOBIES

 

Your loving sister

 

PAMELA

 

 

LETTER VII

 

MY DEAR SISTER

 

Much has befallen me since my last letter left me cowering half naked in the below stairs pantry.  Well you should know that I had been there but four and an half minutes before my state was apprehended by that Mrs Thwack whom my Lady deigns to call her cook and housekeeper.  Mrs Thwack having come to take possession of that bottle of gin which she keeps there, but thinks that no body else knows about, which people who drink gin often think, mistakenly as all do always know such things, did find me and cry out in great alarum:  Why dogs-bollikins Mr Joseph what be you a-doing there wearing the masters best linen chemise and that all dirty from being below stairs; and before I could make reply she took me by the left ear and dragged me into her domain, that being the kitchen.  There she did beseech our kitchen-maid Sarah to remove the masters best linen shirt from me and deposit it in the poss-tub that it might be cleaned ready for him to wear the next day.  This leaving me quite naked in the kitchen I was much hooted at by the serving wenches being unable to run back through the house in that state until one had been sent to retrieve clothes for me.

 

Then did Mrs Thwack cry out: Dogs-willikins Mr Joseph if that is not my Lady coming with the gentlewomen of her party, I would fain she not find you here dishabillikins, and with that she abjured that I should hide myself within the poss-tub along with my late shirt.  Obeying her command, and not myself at all content at the thought of being so found by the gentlewomen of the party I leapt into the poss-tub as directed, only to find it full of freezing water recently drawn from the pump in the yard.  I concealed myself as readily as I could below the water but being unable to keep my breath beyond a two minute I was soon constrained to leap out.  

 

Dogs-bottikins, cries out Mrs Thwack, feigning to be unaware of my presence, what be you a-doing of in the poss-tub along with the masters best linen chemise.  To this my lady commented:  aha Mrs Thwack we have but been playing at a game of Hide and go seek and Joseph having been found must now pay the forfeit.  I, much chastened by the effect of the cold water upon my manly virtues, which being a cause for being hooted at even more, could not but comply with this pronouncement.  So, Mrs Thwack, continued my Lady, for hiding Joseph you must play a part in the forfeit.  Be so good as to bend him over your kitchen table a lay at him across the buttocks with your wooden spoon.  Go at with a will, Mrs Thwack, I beg of you.  

 

Dogs-nobbikins, says Mrs Thwack, that I will My Lady; and true to her word, and her name, she did just that landing six good thwacks with the spoon upon my bare posterior; then, much chastened did I return to my own quarters where I pen you this account of my adventures.

 

Your unfortunate BROTHER

 

Joseph.

 

 

 

LETTER VIII

 

MY DEAR BROTHER

 

How alarmed I was to hear of your latest mishap; surely it was most wrong of you to so dirty your good masters linen chemise so, and I trust your deserved punishment has chastened you sufficient.

 

The master intends to go to London against next birth-day to attend on my Lady KNOCKERS dressed in that which they call his birth-day suit and he sent for me, when nobody else was in the parlour with him: Pamela, said he, you are so neat and so nice in your own dress, (Alack-a-day, I didn't know I was!) that you must be a judge of ours.  How look I in my birth-day suit.  I am no judge, said I, and please your honour; but I think you look very fine; and indeed he did look fine, and in particular he sported a fine upstanding periwinkle that must indeed be the envy of all the ladies at my Lady KNOCKERS.

 

Sir, that is a fine periwinkle that you sport, said I, pray tell me how large is it.  Why not measure it for yourself, Pamela, says he.  Sir, I have but a six-inch rule, said I, and I fear that it will not be long enough.  Indeed not said he, not by one half of its dimension.  Prythee tell me then, said I, how come it to have such great dimension.  Why, said he, I do leave it to the special attention of good Mrs Dawkins whom by it is smeared with good horse muck every day.  At this I was much disheartened that Mrs Dawkins (what always says that it is about time my virtue was assailed) should have the particular care of the masters appurtenances that I was quite huffed and would doat no more upon his periwinkle that day.

 

However just retribution was to be mine, for the master did indeed wait upon my Lady KNOCKERS in London dressed in his birth-day suit and was much hooted at for the size of his periwinkle which was considered too large for London fashions; this owing to the King having but a small periwinkle and it being the fashion to follow where the King points.

 

Hear you ought of our brother ARCHIE, for word comes from the master, who did attend upon him at the Drury Lane Theatre, that he was sore hooted at by the multitude as that his acting was over wooden.  I hear that our sister JULIE has taken charge of many small children and is instructing them in that art of singing of which she is so fond.

 

I remain your affectionate sister 

 

PAMELA

 

 

LETTER IX

 

MY DEAR SISTER

 

I write to you in some haste as I have just escaped the ravages of a fearsome malady.  For you should know that this morning my Lady asked that I should accompany her and some gentlewomen of the district upon an excursion into the countryside.  You shall ride postillion, Joseph, says she, and for that purpose I have obtained for you this fine new livery; and she showed to me such a livery as I had never seen before: made up a-purpose, says my lady, by Speedos of Saville Row, tailors to the Prince Regent himself, they say.  The shirt was of fine silk and the breeches of tight white cotton.  

 

Alas the breeches when I put them on were indeed so tight that I was fairly squashed around the appurtenances, a fact which I pointed out, somewhat high voiced, to my lady.  Nonsense, quoth she, a fine boy like you must needs show off his fine appurtenances, and these breeches were so designed to show them off to perfection.  The day was passing fair and I was to ride postillion on the near most of my ladys fine matched bays which pulled the chaise.  Alas for me the ride was not easy as the bays were high stepping, and I found it sore difficult to maintain my place in the saddle.  At each step the breeches appeared to tighten causing a degree of discomforture which was most insupportable.  

 

I therefore essayed to provide more room by pulling hard upon the front of the waistband; an action resulting in an unfortunate rent of not inconsiderable dimension appearing suddenly in the seat of my nether garment.  I-fackins, cries the Duchess of Marlborough, be that a bare back-side that your postillion is sporting; and indeed she saw truly for the rent was of such dimension and the ladies seated so close behind in the chaise that my nether cheeks were but clearly visible for them.  This produced such a hooting and hurrah-ing that I had thought never to hear from the lips of ladies, causing me such further discomforture that I could no longer keep my seat upon the bay and fell into the roadway.  

 

There I lay, sensible still, but lacking the wish to raise myself and expose my bare back-side again to the ladies.  I thought it better to remain upon my back.  At that point, rode up what I took to be a gentleman of learning on horseback, mounted on a fine stallion.  Off his horse jumps he and says, what-ho ladies, has your postillion been struck by lightning; a comment which produced much unnecessary mirth.  To my astonishment from the tenor of voice I could tell that this was no gentleman, but a lady accoutred out in gentlemans cloathes tipped by a fine grey periwig.  My Lady could but stare.  

 

- Know you not who I am, says this strange apparition, I am the famous Doctor Hamilton reknowned throughout the land for knowledge and erudition; whose very hands can cure the sick and injured.  

- But surely a lady cannot be a physician says I, such a thing has not been known; 

- and why not, cries she, have you not heard of the famous Doctor Slop, the man-midwife; if a man-midwife why not a female-physician.  

- Pigs-buttockins says I, a woman cannot be a doctor because women can know no Latin; if you be a doctor, and learned, quote me some Virgil.  

- Armae virumque cano, says she.  

- Aha, says I, cano that means dog (for I was taught some Latin by the parson), Ill have none of your dog-Latin here.  

- But she goes on: Brutus ad sum iam forte, Caesar ad erat, Brutus sic in omnibus, Caesar sic in at.  

 

At this, I could not but believe her, for even I could understand such Latin.  So she sets to look at me and with her hand upon my brow and upon my pulse frowns.  

 

- Aha, cries she, it is a case for diagnosticorum testiculatum. 

- What be that, says I.  

- Well, says she, tis well known that the life energy of a man lies in his globuli testiculari, therefore to determine the cause of the fever that you suffer (alack I knew not that I was suffering a fever) I must examine your globuli testiculari. 

- 

 

With that she pulls off my breeches (an easy thing seeing they were rent through) and proceeds to examine closely those soft round objects that must, considering their delicacy, be indeed important to the life source of a man.  

 

- I see, says she, the root of the fever bollux strangulati; which brings on an excess of the hot humour in the body.  Know you that the globuli testiculari produce the choler or hot humour; when that they have been overconstrained as in these breeches the hot humour is release into the body provoking fever.

 

 

At the word fever the ladies gasped.  What are we to do, cries the Duchess of Marlborough.  Why the humour must be counteracted swift strip him and douse him fast with cold water lest the fever overtake him;  by that the hot phlogiston will leave the body; and I was straightway stripped naked and carried by the assembled ladies to the nearby pond and thrown in.  Just in time it proved, for within a five minute I was shivering with cold and allowed out.  

 

- He shivers, cries out the female-physician.  Quick we must stimulate more choler by a vigorous massage of the globuli testiculari;  and she set about this with a will; and each lady in turn volunteered it seem most willingly to assist.  

 

- And what of the membrum virile danglium, cries out my lady.  

- Indeed, replies the doctor, for the membrum virile danglium is the conduit of the hot humour to the external world and must be verily stimulated until it be membrum virile non danglium.  

- 

 

To this my lady assented.  Indeed, dear sister, I must say that this was most efficacious treatment for I was soon back fit and well and much disappointed when the doctor pronounced me fit to continue the journey.  Sadly she insisted that I continue the journey on foot and was so required to run naked behind the chaise back to the hall.  A fact not unnoticed by the local wenches, but what care I for their hoots.  I am now well and hope to remain so,

 

Your affectionate brother

 

Joseph

 

Editors note:  The author must have known of the infamous Dr Hamilton from his brothers pamphlet The Female Husband which tells the story of how she was tried and convicted for marrying another woman unfortunately for her this was rather frowned on in the eighteenth century.

 

 

 LETTER X 

 

DEAR PAMELA 

 

Yesterday My Lady called me to her room 

 

-Joseph, says she, you must needs play the part of a model as I wish to undertake a sketch of the Apollo Belvedere 

-I am ever at your command, says I, but cannot Mr Apollo model for you himself 

-Dont be stupid Joseph, says My Lady, the Apollo Belvedere is a famous Greek statue of which I wish to make a living sketch and you must be model 

-As you wish My Lady, says I, where do you wish me to stand 

-Just there Joseph, says she, but Apollo was a Greek god who is always depicted naked so will you kindly remove your clothes 

-But, says I, would that be seemly within my Ladys Boudoir 

-Dont be stupid Joseph, says she, for this is Art and such things are quite acceptable if performed in the name of Art 

-But would the master not object, says I 

-Not in the least, says she, for the master loves Art as much as anyone.  At least from his appreciation of the paintings of Mr Rubens one must assume so. 

 

So the mistress bade me remove my clothes and stand fully naked in her boudoir at which point her ladys maid announced the arrival of two young ladies of the neighbourhood.  They appeared at first somewhat surprised that they could see my appurtenances but My lady explained that this was quite acceptable as it was Art.  The young ladies agreed that Art was indeed a most welcome thing in that case 

 

-Let me introduce you to Joseph, says my Lady, Joseph this is Miss Patsy Bottome and Miss Rosie Bottome. 

 

Miss Patsy exclaimed that my arms were not correctly positioned for the Apollo Belvedere and proceeded to take hold of my arm and place it in the correct position.  Miss Rosie then exclaimed that my leg was not in the correct position, took hold of my leg and placed it in the correct position.  Both ladies then exclaimed at once that my appurtenances were not in the correct position and jostled somewhat to take hold of them and place them in the correct position.  Indeed both ladies must have been very keen on Art as they remained watching as my lady sketched much longer than was there wont.  So long did they stay that hardly had they gone before the Masters footfall could be heard upon the stair. 

 

-Quick, shouts My Lady, the Master must not find you here in a state of nakedness 

-But surely, said I, there is no problem as it is in the name of Art 

-Dont be stupid Joseph says she and bids me conceal myself in the laundry basket. 

 

Alas and alack the master was accompanied into the boudoir by the two laundry maids who took hold of the basket in which I was hid and carried it off.  One may have considered it heavy for two maids, but laundry maids are for ever a-possing and a-mangling and have arms as strong as any man. 

 

I was thus transported to the kitchen where the basket was opened by Mrs Thwack the cook-housekeeper 

 

-Why, pigs-widdlekins, what laundry has the mistress sent to be washed today, says she, Master Joseph in the nuddikins in the laundry basket.  Into the poss-tub with him girls 

 

And I was forthwith manhandled into that poss-tub of which I have none too fond memories.  I thought me to escape but laundry maids are always a-possing and a-mangling and they were to strong for me. 

 

-Pour the hot water on him, cries Mrs Thwack, and poss him hard 

 

So the tub was filled with hot water and I was ducked under it some six or seven times.  Only then was I allowed to escape pink and steaming from the water. 

 

-Well, how are we to dry him, cries Mrs Thwack 

-Put him through the mangle cries one laundry maid 

-Surely master Joseph is too big for the mangle cries the other 

-Not if we start with his willikins, cries the first and I was sore afraid that her counsel would be followed first but, 

-Nay, cries Mrs Thwack, we must dry him as we do the carpets, by tying him to the clothes horse and beating him with the carpet beaters. 

 

So my hands were tied to the clothes horse and I was pulled up on the pulleys until my feet scarce touched the ground.  They then set about beating me dry with the carpet beaters, each taking it in turn to beat me upon the bottikins until it turned quite rosy pink.  Then did my Lady enter the room and cry out. 

 

-What lobster have we got here Mrs Thwack, why I do declare it is Joseph.  Has he been well cleaned Mrs Thwack 

-Why that he has, answered that lady, and well beaten upon the bottikins too. 

-I am glad to hear it, says my lady taking up the carpet beater, and I think just a few more whacks should do it. 

 

So, dear sister, I am at last restored to my clothes and my position.  My lady has finished the sketch and it hangs upon the wall in her boudoir.  The master has said that it represents true Art. 

 

Your ever loving brother 

 

JOSEPH 

 

LETTER XI 

 

DEAR JOSEPH 

 

How happy I was to receive your latest letter and to learn how assiduously the good Mrs Thwack carried out her mistresss orders. 

 

Yesterday my Master came to me and bade me rub him down with that meretricious oil that our dear mother does send us from the bannio.  While he is quite naked for nakedness is quite permissible when medical needs dictate, he said to me 

 

-Let me ask you, my Pamela, if I may hope for a still more pleasing amusement, and what your bashful modesty would not permit you to hint; and which I will no otherwise touch upon, lest it should seem, to your nicety, to detract from the present purity of my good intentions, than to say, I hope to have superadded to all this, such an employment, as will give me a view of perpetuating my happy prospects 

-Sir, says I, do you mean that you wish me to bestow upon you that gift which only a maiden can bestow upon a man and which maidenly modesty bids me not name 

-My Pamela, says he, I mean that amusement which man and woman alone can employ and which.. 

-Sir, said I interrupting lest we be stuck there all night, if it be that you are endeavouring to request a shag you can i-fackins-off unless you at the same time bestow upon me at least one hundred guineas 

- Twenty for that service which the maiden doth bestow by the use of her comely mouth, quoth he 

-In that case permit me, sir, said I, (looking about me with some confusion, to see that nobody was there,) thus on my knees to *ank you, as I often wanted to do in the chariot, for all your goodness to me, which shall never, I hope, be cast away upon me. And so I had the boldness to kiss his ****. 

 

Thus was twenty guineas well earned dear brother than can relieve the poverty of our dear parents, but wont as Im going to buy a new hat. 

 

Your loving sister 

 

PAMELA