It all started when i was seven...

It all started when i was seven... It all started when i was seven...

Status: Finished

Genre: Other

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Other

Summary

Sorry, this story is a little graphic, but i wanted to tell my life story, and i though this was the best way.

Summary

Sorry, this story is a little graphic, but i wanted to tell my life story, and i though this was the best way.

Content

Submitted: May 25, 2012

A A A | A A A

Content

Submitted: May 25, 2012

A A A

A A A


It all started around the age of seven. I told my parents i didn't wanna move, but like always, nobody ever listened to me. I was afraid to move away from my friends and family to a whole new state fourteen hours away. I was forced to sell all of my belongings and give away my cats. None of this felt right, and  nnow i know why. 

We pulled into the driveway of our new house and the first thing we did was meet our new neighbors. They seemed so nice, but the oldest boy in the home gave off a strange vibe. 

Soon enough we were settled in our new house and i was back in school, making new friends. We became good friends with our neighbors so they were always over our house. One day the eldest boy whose name i found out was Andrew, wanted to take me for a walk and show me the river the ran behind our homes. I agreed, trying to be polite, but something about this kid still seemed to bother me. We had finally made it to the river when he turned and looked at me with eyes that seemed much too intense to be looking at a seven year old like me. He started asking me if i ever thought about having sex, or if i knew anything about it. Of course a seven year old wouldn't know about sex, so i said 'no' and he started to tell me everything he knew. I went along with what he was saying, not really understanding what was going on, then he started touching me and telling me to touch him. I wasn't sure what was going on, but once again i went along with it. I never told anyone about this because i wasn't sure if i was supposed to. 

Eventually this became almost an everyday thing. He would come over touch me whenever he wanted, and he made me do the same to him. Then one day he told me to wear a skirt...i didn't know why he would ask me to do this, but i did it anyway. We met down at the river and he layed me down on a big rock and pushed the bottom of my skirt up and at first all he did was touch me or use his tongue. But then he pulled my shirt up and he took off his shorts and underwear and got on top of me. At this point i still didn't understand what was going on, but the whole thing made me feel so uncomfortable, so i asked him to get off of me. When he refused i got really scared and started to cry, which made him angry. He slapped me and forced himself inside of me. over and over again. No matter how much i screamed no one came to help me and he refused to stop. After this happened i tried my best to stay away from him, but he always found a way to get to me. At one point, i became so terrified that i tried to tell my mother what happened but she didn't care enough to help me, so he just continued to hurt me. 

All too soon i was turning ten and he was still finding ways to hurt me. He would even come in my home when i was alone and pin me to my bed and rape me. By this age i knew exactly what was going, but it didn't matter anymore. He had control over me ans there was nothing i could do to stop him, so i just gave up. By the age of eleven i knew not to try to stop him anymore, so just let him have me. He did whatever he wanted to me, whenever he felt like. He always told me he loved me. I know that seems kind of sick, but i liked it at the time and i belived him. I didn't understand what love reall was and nobody ever really told me they loved me so, so i felt kind of special. 

Andrew and his family moved away when i was twelve and i felt so abandoned. Alone. Worthless. I knew he had hurt me, but i longed for someone to show me they loved me, even though unknowingly it was rape, and not love. After he was gone and i had a chance at a normal life, i couldn't seem to get over the fact that the only person who had really ever told me he loved me and actually showed it in his own sick way, had totally abandoned me. 

Around this time my sister had started to abuse me and my father started drinking. I began to get really depressed and i didn't know how to handle my emotions. I became the cutter in seventh grade. I developed an eating disorder and became very distant from friends and family. 

Eighth grade came and went quickly, then i was off to start high school. I was so scared because i knew i would become the outcast with all my scars from cutting and my eating disorder that poeple were starting to notice.  In no time at all, my fears became reality and i was in the guidance office everyday with fresh cuts. I didn't care what people though of me anymore and i didn't plan on changing for anybody. I would get so depressed every night and i would have nightmares of the rapes, and i couldn't seem to comtrol my thoughts. The voices in my head were more than i could take, They always told me that i would never fit in. Nobody loved me, and i was better off dead. The only way i could make the thoughts quieter was to cut, so that's what i did. Every night. I started making myself throw up at least three times a day. I've hated my body all my life, and now with all these scars i just want to hide all the time.

Now i'm eighteen yeas old and nothings really changed. I'm still a cutter. I still have nightmares about the rape, and i still hate Andrew, though i never call him that. I nicknamed him ass face. I though the name would better fit him. To this day, i still cringe when i hear the name 'Andrew". I'm positive that will never change. 

I still blame my mom though, for what happened all those years. I went to her searching for help, but she acted like all was well and never came to my rescue when i needed her most. 

What hurts the most is she sees me now and basically disowns me for cutting, but it wouldn't be this way if she would have just listened to me....all she had to do was listen to her daughter. 


© Copyright 2018 Jess Jackie. All rights reserved.

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