A Reason To Live, A Reason To Die (Part 2) by Jaramya Rattle

A Reason To Live, A Reason To Die (Part 2) by Jaramya Rattle A Reason To Live, A Reason To Die (Part 2) by Jaramya Rattle

Status: Finished

Genre: Romance


Status: Finished

Genre: Romance


The continuation of A Reason To Live, A Reason To Die Part 1


The continuation of A Reason To Live, A Reason To Die Part 1


Submitted: October 25, 2013

A A A | A A A


Submitted: October 25, 2013



Part two: Psycho


Chapter one



It's going slow at the diner tonight. It is 03:33 and there are only two customers here at the moment. One is a regular but I can never remember his name. He is a drunk. He comes here every night because it is the only place that is open twenty-four hours. The other customer is some guy I have never seen before. He is sitting at the corner booth just starring at the table. I'm not sure how he got there. I never heard him come in.

I grab a pen and the notepad I write orders on and walk over to his table to take his order.

-"Sorry if you've been waiting long. I never heard you come in. What can I get for you?"

He just sits there starring at the table and doesn't say a thing.

-"Is everything okay sir?"

This time he looks up at me but still doesn't say anything. He looks surprised or parionoid or something.

-"Is there anything I can get you?"

Still no reply.

-"Okay? Well if you change your mind just let me know."

He just sits there all night, for hours and hours. I thought about asking him to leave but he isn't really hurting anyone. As you probably noticed, I'm working the night shift. I love working nights. I love it when it is dark outside cause sunlight depresses me.

It's about 4:15 now and he is still sitting there. I suppose I could try talking to him again. Surely he is here for some reason.

-"What are you doing?"

He doesn't look up. He just keeps staring at the table. After a few seconds he takes a deep breath and starts to speak in a quiet scratchy voice, like he needs to clear his throat.


-"I'm sorry?"

-"You asked if there was anything you could get me, water."

-"Oh, right, sorry."

Walking over to the soda fountain, I get a weird feeling. Why is he here? What is doing? What does he want? I think he is one of the cutest guys I've ever seen. For some strange reason I really like him. Normally someone like him would give me the creeps but he seems harmless. . Then again so did Ted Bundy and Jeffrey Dahmer. After filling the cup with ice, I push on the tap labeld "WATER" but nothing comes out. After trying a few more times, I give up and get some from the sink.

-"Here you go sir. The despenser is out of order, so I hope you don't mind tap water."

-"It's fine, thank you."

-"If you don't mind me asking, why have you just been sitting here for hours, not saying anything?"

He looks up at me and gets this sort of scared look on his face. Then he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of pills. He takes one out and swallows it with the water I got him.

-"Social anxiety. I get terrifed when I try to talk to people."

-"Why? I mean what's there to be afraid of?"

-"Um...I don't know. Rejection."

-"What do you mean?"

-"People don't like me. To be honest I don't like them much either. I have a deep hatred for people in general."

-"That's not true."

-"How would you know?"

-"You must at least somewhat like me. Other wise why would you be telling me these things?"

He pauses for a moment, then smiles.

-"I suppose you are right. I guess I do like you, somewhat."

-"Why didn't you talk to me before?"

-"I was...am afraid."

-"You shouldn't be afraid of me."

-"Well I am."


-"Talking to a pretty girl is one of the most scary things I can think of."

-"(Laughs) So you think I'm pretty?

He starts to blush and looks down at the table again. So I grab his chin and make him look up at me.

-"Why does the fact that someone is pretty make them harder to talk to?"

-"A girl like you would never go for a guy like me. You are way out of my league."

-"So what? You came in here to try and ask me out or something?"

-"Sort of, I've seen you here before but I never could get the guts to talk to you. Especially when all those people were around. That's why I came late, but it turns out that it was still just as hard."

-"This is a bit werid. I mean, where did all this come from?"

-"I'm sorry, I just...I know it's pathetic. Sorry. I should go."

He starts to get up but I grab his arm to stop him.

-"Honestly. I don't think it's pathetic. I think it's kind of sweet and to be honest with you, when I first saw you sitting here, I thought you were very cute."

He starts to blush and look down again.


-"Yeah. Actually I think you're insanly hot. In fact I was hoping I could get your number. Maybe we could go on a date sometime."

-"...Are you being serious?"

-"Yeah, I just figured I should ask you, so you wouln't have to panic about it."

He smiles.

-"(Laughs) I'd love to. When?"

-"How about right now?"


-"Sure. It's will be two hours or so before people start showing up for breakfast."

-"Well, um, yeah that works for me."

-"(Laughs) Hungry?"

-"Actually yes, I am."

-"Well your at the right place. I'll cook us something up. On the house. I'm sure Crandel can aford to lose a few bucks for two meals. Besides he doesn't even have to know about it, not that he would care."

He looks at me and smiles. I cant help but smile back.

Chapter two



I finally got sent home from the hospitial. On my first day out I went to eat some real food for a change at a diner called Crandel's. The waitress who was working there is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I ended up having an anxiety attack and leaving before I even got a chance to talk to her. I'm not sure why but it feels like I'm in love with her even though I haven't even talked to her. So the next day I went back to try and ask her out on a date or something but there were to many people around and I freaked and left. So I went by real late the next day. I went in around 1:00 so there wouldn't be as many people, in fact other than me and her there was only one person there but I still couldn't do it. I just sat there for hours, I couldn't move. She came up and tried to take my order but I just froze, I couln't say anything. After a couple of hours past she came up to me again. This time I managed to speak and ask for some water. After She got it for me we starting talking. She asked me why was I so quiet and just set there for so long. I don't know how I did it but I told her that I was attracted to her. She ended up asking me out! She went into the diner's kitchen and cooked us some food. It was great, having the whole diner to ourselves! But then the voices kicked in.

-"Your going to lose her. She is going to find someone better than you. Better looking and not a pathetic psycho like you!"

-"He's right you know, you should just end it now before you get too close to her."

It was a bit odd, they sounded like they were trying to give me advice. But it's too late, I'm already close to her. We've only been dating for a little over a month but I already feel like I'm in love with her. I know that sounds pathetic but I am a really pathetic person just like the voices said.

I've thought about telling her. That I love her, I mean. Only every time I try to, the anxiety kicks in. I'm starting to get to where I can call her without freaking out. Normally when I call people, and I'm waiting for them to answer, a fear comes over me. What if someone else answers? What will I say? What if they don't want to talk to me? That's useually when the voices kick in, right on que. It's usually something like; "They don't. Why would they? Who would want to talk to you?"

Hearing her voice always makes me feel better. Being around her calms me down, a lot better than two milligrams of Lorazepem ever could. I can tell being around me makes her feel good too, but I don't think she trust me. She is hiding something other than her drug habbit from me. I've seen marks on her arm. I'm going to follow her tonight and find out what it is she is hiding, if anything. Maybe it's just me being paranoid again.



I've been watching the diner for few hours now. Liz should be getting off soon. I borrowed my roomates car so I could still follow her if she get's in a taxi or bus. If she decides to take the subway, I'm screwed.

I see her, exiting the diner and walking down the street towards the bus stop. A few minutes pass and the bus pulls up and Liz and a few others get in. I start up the car, preparing to follow the bus untill Liz gets off. After the bus makes a few more stops, Liz finally gets off. After walking a few blocks she enters a hotel. Do you have any idea how hard it is to follow someone who is on foot when you are in a car? I just circled the block and then parked at the curb.

Now what? Do I go in? No. That would be to risky. She would see me. I suppose I should just wait for her to come out.

-"She is probably meeting another guy in there."

-"No. She wouldn't do that to me. Just stay the fuck out of it. Okay?"

-"Come on man, I'm trying to help you."

-"No you're not. You're just trying to bring me down like always. Evertything is always negitive with you. You always expect the worst."

-"Have I ever been wrong?"

-"Well...no...I don't guess so."

-"See. You can trust me."

-"No. I can't. I trust Liz."

-"Why? She clearly doesn't trust you. Why else would she hide the fact that she is a junkie? And you and I both know that is not all she is hiding. You know what they say, never trust a junkie."

-"Shut up."

-"What do you think she is doing in that hotel right now?"


Shut up!"

-"I bet she is having a great time. Probably geting a real nice shag from some tough guy, moaning as he thrust his cock inside her. She is probably thinking about how good it feels, and how you can never make her feel this good, that your tiny cock can never satisfy her."

-"SHUT UP!!!"

And just like that he is gone. He does it to fuck with me. Him and all the others. Sometimes they leave when I ask, or scream at them and then sometimes they keep on untill I bang my head against the wall so hard that I knock myself out.

I don't really feel like waiting any more so I start the car and drive away.


Maybe I'm being paranoid, maybe she isn't hiding anything. She could just be working a second job at the hotel. But then why wouldn't she have told me about it? I don't know what I will do if she is cheating on me. I've heard rumors that hotel is sort of a whore house. That if you call in to get a room and ask if they have any "vacant suites" and when you get there ask to speak with the owner, he will take you into his office and give you pictures of the available girls so you can take your pick. Then the girl you pick will be sent to your room a few minutes after you check in. Could Liz be a prostitute? That would almost be as bad as her cheating on me. The thought of her with another guy tears me apart but if she was going to cheat on me, I would rather it be for money than it be because she likes someone better than me, or that I can't satisfy her. It's time to find out.

A huge fear comes over me as I hear the call tone ring and I anxiously wait for someone to answer the phone. Finally someone answered.

-"Budget Inn, this is Cherri, how can I help you?"

-"Um...uh...yeah...um...do you have any, um, vacant suites?"

-"Oh, another one huh? Well when do you need it?"


-"And what time?"

-"Um...like around 21:00?"

-"(sigh) I'm sorry?"

-"Uh, I said 21:00"

-"(sigh) What the hell is that, sir?"

-"Oh, um, 9:00..uh pm."

-"How long will you need it? Two minutes? (chukles)"

Great. Not only do I have to deal with the voices making fun of my premature ejaculation, now people who don't even know me are joining in.

-"Um...just untill like 10:00 I guess...um am.

-"Okay. Is there anything else I can do for you ,sir?

-"Um..no, I guess that's it."
Then in a sracastic tone she says,

-"Thank you for choosing Budget Inn, have a great day."

My heart is racing as I walk into the hotel. The girl at the counter has a name tag that reads "Cherri," most likely the one I talked to on the phone. She has way to much makeup on.

-"Um..Hi...can I uh...speak to the owner?"

She just gives me a dirty look and leans back looking into the open door parallel to her,

-"Jason, there is someone here to speak with you!"

A tall white man walks out. He has neatly combed brown hair and what appears to be a nice suit.

-"Hello sir, how can I help you?"

-"Um...I uh called about the vacant suite."

-"Ah yes, right this way"

He leads me into his office.

-"Please have a seat."

He motions toward a chair in front of his desk. After sitting down himself, he unlocks a cabniet under his desk and pull out a folder. He then opens it and lays it

on the desk so that it is facing upside down to him.

-"These are all the girls that are avalabile right now, just take your pick."

I spot a photo of Liz on the page almost instantly. I point at her picture.

-"I want her."

-"Excellent choice."

-"Just head on up to room 149 and she will be there in a few minutes.

He hands me a key with a red keychain that has "149" on it.


-"Sure thing, I hope to see you again soon."

-"Oh um, don't I need to pay you?"

-"You can just pay her when she gets there."

-"Okay, thanks."

He just smiles and nodds at me as I exit the room.

I sit and wait in room 149. The voices have been silent this whole time. That's very unusual. I'm reading the bible that was on the night stand next to the phone. I'm reading chapter eight of Leviticus. It's talking about, sexual practices that are forbiden. "Do not dishonor your father by having sexual relations with your mother.." stuff like that.

Then there is a knock at the door. I close the book, put it back on the night stand, get up and walk to the door. Through the peep-hole I see than it is Liz at the door. I take a deep breath and open the door.

When she sees that it is me, she gets a shocked look on her face and stands frozen.

-"I think we need to talk." I say and motion for her to come in. She takes a seat on the bed. I close the door and join her. She clears her throat and says,

-"Look, I uh...you see....I....I don't know what to say..."

-"Why didn't you tell me?"

-"I don't know, I figured you wouldn't want to be with me if you knew."

-"I probably wouldn't have...why do you do it?"

-"(Sigh) Well, you see...It isn't the only secret I have kept from you."

-"You don't have to tell me, I already know you are a heroin addict and I assume you have to sell yourself to support you addiction."

-"So why have you stayed with me?"

Should I tell her the truth? That I stay with her because I love her. No, she might not feel the same.

-"Cause...well....I just really enjoy being around you."

She smiles.

-"I like being around you too. I swear everything I've done with these guys doesn't mean anything. I hate it."

-"You don't have to do it. You can stop now, I'll take care of you."

-"You'd do that for me?"

-"Of course. I'd do anything for you, LIz."

She smiles and I smile back and say,

-"You can live with me. My roomate won't mind."

She leans over and gives me a hug.

-"Thank you." she says, still hugging me.

I can feel her heart beating. I've never felt as safe as I do when holding her.

-"You know? You still got me for the night." she wispers into my ear, then kisses me.

I look into her eyes and smile. She smiles back.

She pushes me onto the bed, laying on my back. Then she moves down, unzips my zipper, pulls it out and put's it in her mouth. It's feels so amazing! Better than anything I've felt before. I lay my head back, close my eyes, and take a deep breath as she takes me to heaven.


Chapter three



Last night was amazing! Simon was incredible! Finally I was finally able to really enjoy sex! It was deinatly the best orgasm I have ever had. But the best part was falling asleep in his arms.

After laying next to him a while he finally wakes up. He looks at me and smiles.

-"Hey." His voice is a bit raspy.

-"Hey." I smile back "You were amazing last night!"

-"Yeah, right. You're just saying that to try and make me feel good about myself."

-"No! I'm serious! You made me cum. No one has been able to make me cum that much before.

He smiles, starts to blush and looks down. I grab his chin and make him look up so I can kiss him.

-"So was it as good for you too?"

-"Are you kidding? It was fucking amazing!"

-"(Laughs) well I've defiantly had plenty of practice."

Suddenly he stops smiling. I guess he didn't find it that funny.

-"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Bad joke."

-"Except it isn't a joke. It's true."

-"You know how they say, "It's funny because it's true'."

Again, he doesn't seem amused.

-"I hate to say this but...I'm going to have to keep doing it. How else could I support my addiction?"

-"Why don't you quit?"

-Um...I just told you, because of my addiction."

-"No. I mean, why don't you quit heroin?"

-"Oh...I don't think I can do that."

-"I just can't stand thinking about you being with someone else! It just eats and eats at me. It's worse than the voices."

I don't know what to say to that so I just lay there in silence. After several seconds I break the silence.

-"(Sigh) I could really use a hit right now."

-"Me too."

-"Really? Have you ever done it before?"

-"No, but if you have to keep fucking other guys for money, then I'm going to need something to comfort me when I'm picturing it."

I don't want to get him into it. It's horrible. But I understand that he will need it.

-"We could go see Legs. He will most likely hook us up."

-"I take it that Legs is your dealer?"

-"Yeah. I have others but Legs is my usual."

-"When can we go?"

-"I'm off today. Let's go now."


After I knock a few times, Leg answers the door. I can tell by looking at him that he is as high as a kite.

-"Well hello there, Liz, and who is this handsome young lad you brought with you?"

-"This is Simon. My boyfriend."

Legs gets a puzzled look on his face.

-"Since when did you get a boyfriend?"

-"About a month ago."

-"Well why didn't you mention him?"

-"Um. I don't know, I didn't think you would be interested."

-"Now what made you think that? I'm always interested in my friends lives." He turns and looks at Simon.

-"So, Si.. Mind if I call you Si?"

-"Oh, uh, no, that's, um, fine."

-"Good so, Si, are you alright with what Liz does? You know selling herself and what not."

That sodding bastard. He would only have the nerve to say something like that when he was high. I was about to to slap him and call him out for being the cunt that he is, but then the wouldn't hook us up. He is in complete control and he knows it.

-"Wel, um, no, uh, I'm not. It's really eats at me...that's why I'm here, kin?"

-"I know exactly what you mean."

I step in and say,

-"Yeah, we were hoping you could hook us up..."

-"Well then, come on in." He steps back and opens the door more so that we can come in.

-"How much you wanting to buy then?"

-"Well um...I don't exactly have any money..."

-"Well I'm afraid I can't help you then. I mean I have to get something out of it, and I don't take sex like those other scumbags."

-"Oh, for fuck's sake Legs just..."

Simon interupts me.

-"It's okay, I have money."

He pulls out several bills from his wallet and hands them to legs.

-"How much can that get me."

-"Well looks like you are the biggest buyer of the day. This will git you about 30 grams(a little over an ounce.)"

Legs walks over to his safe, gets out a bag of skag and starts putting small amounts into another bag that is on a scale. After he gets the right amount he hands the bag over to Simon.

-"You mind if we shoot here?" I ask.

-"Of course not, as always."

I lead Simon over to the little area next to the mattress I useually sleep on.

-"We will have to share a needle. Is that okay with you? I mean we've had sex which is pretty much the same thing."

-"Sure, I don't mind."

I shoot up first, of course. Then it's Simon's turn. After cooking it up and getting it all ready I ask him,

-"You want me to do it? Since it is your first time and all."

-"Yes please do."

He holds out his arm, his veins are all very easy to find, like mine were when I first started using. The skin on his arm is soft as I caress it with the needle. I apply pressure slowly. His soft skin caves in as the needle goes into his vein.

He grimmises as I put the needle in his arm. I aspirate to register that it is in his vein. Then I look up at him, he looks back. We stare into each others eyes for a breif moment, then I shoot those wonderfully horrible chemicals home.

He starts breathing deeply, closes his eyes and lays his head back. He comes back up and rest his forhead on mine breathing heavily. Legs walks up and puts a trash can next to Simon.

-"You're going to need this, mate."

Sure enough after a few moments Simon quickly leans over the trash bin and stars heavilly vomiting into it.

Legs laughs.


I supposed I should have warned Simon that the first time makes you puke your brains out. I put my hand on his back.

-"You okay?"

He gasp for air.

-"I feel fucking great!"

Legs chuckles loudly.

Now that I think about it, I remember Simon telling me that he likes to vomit. He said, "I have bulima, but not like because I think I'm fat or anything. I just love to puke." So that plus the heroin is probably making him feel incredible. Eventually he runs out of stuff to puke and begins puking out stomach acid. I worry about it doing damage to his throat so I hand him the gallon of water.

-"Here, drink this."

He takes a big drink and then lays down on his left side and begins breathing heavily. He keeps taking drinks of water. I begin to wonder how clean the water is. For all I know other people have stuck dirty needles into it to suck the water in.

After a while he starts breathing normally again and gets up and lays next to me on the matress. He puts his arms around me and kisses my forhead. I was about to kiss him but then I remembered he had just been puking so I decide to kiss his neck instead. He starts breathing heavily again. I'm not sure if it's because me kissing his neck felt good or because he was trying not to puke. I'm hoping it's because it feels good. I decide to kiss him anyway. It taste as amazing as it always does, I can't even tell that he just puked. The water probably cleaned his mouth out pretty good. After we kiss for a while he starts kissing and softly biting my neck, I love it when he does this. I love feeling his wram breath on my neck as he breaths heavily in between kisses. I'm really horny at this point. I wish Legs wasn't here so I could fuck Simon. I begin to wonder if he is watching us. I turn my head to see. He was just drawing on the floor with crayons and smiling really big. I turn back and rest my head on Simon's chest. I put my hand up his shirt and feel for his heart beat. It's beating just as fast as mine. I begin to wonder if he is as horny as I am. I think about feeling him to see or guiding his hand down my pants but I decide against it. The moment is already so perfect. Having him hold me and feeling his heartbeat. We just lay together enjoying our high. I've never been this happy in my whole life.


© Copyright 2018 Jaramya Rattle. All rights reserved.

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