Confessions From The Edge Chapter 14

Confessions From The Edge Chapter 14

Status: Finished

Genre: Fan Fiction


Status: Finished

Genre: Fan Fiction


Same as chapter 1


Same as chapter 1

Chapter1 (v.1) - Confessions From The Edge Chapter 14

Author Chapter Note

Same as chapter 1

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: July 03, 2013

Reads: 445

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: July 03, 2013





At the sound of her voice, Jean-Luc opened his eyes and stared intently into Beverly’s. He frowned at seeing her tears and a wave of frustration washed over him as he remembered he couldn’t speak. Instead he lifted the hand she held and brought it to his lips, kissing it with great tenderness. Unable to stop herself, Beverly bent and kissed Jean-Luc softly on his lips. She then straightened and summoned a shaky voice.

“I can’t stay long; I just want you to know two things. First, I love you…I think I always have. And second, I’m sorry, sorry for what I did to you and what I caused.”

Despite his instructions to the contrary, Jean-Luc said with a broken voice,

“I love you Beverly and it’s me who should apologise. I…”

She silenced him by putting her fingers on his lips. Wiping away her tears, Beverly bent and kissed him again, whispering in his ear,

“We have a lot to talk about, my love. Be patient, I’m not going anywhere.”

He smiled as tears formed in his eyes. They stayed in silence, holding hands until Deanna came in and said softly,

“You really should be getting back to bed now, Beverly.”

Jean-Luc tried to sit up, but Beverly gently pushed him back down. She could clearly see the distress in his face and strove to reassure him.

“I’m fine, my love, I’m just recovering, like you. As I grow stronger, I’ll come and see you more often, I promise.”

Not wanting her to leave, but understanding the reasons why she had to, he lifted her hand again and kissed it. Smiling with love and tenderness, Beverly bent and kissed him again, whispering,

“I love you, Jean-Luc.”

They reluctantly released their hands and Jean-Luc watched Beverly leave his room, Deanna gently holding her elbow as she ushered her away from the man she loved.

Once again alone in his room, Jean-Luc was overcome with emotion and one thing kept playing over and over in his mind, bringing untold joy.

“She loves me!”








Over the next two days Beverly did indeed spend more and more time with Jean-Luc. Although there was much she wanted to say, she knew she had to wait until he was able to talk, so that they could discuss everything together. So in the meantime she read to him and chatted about inconsequentialities, hoping to make the time pass more quickly for the impatient man.

Her own recovery was going well, each day she required less and less medication and regen therapy. By the time Jean-Luc was given the all-clear to leave Sick Bay to convalesce in his quarters, Beverly was discharged too.

Even though he was now allowed to talk, Jean-Luc said very little as he and Beverly stood facing Will Riker. The big First Officer smiled down at his CO, giving him his report.

“We’ll be here in orbit around Gault for another week, but the repairs are going well. We now have the transporters back on line and the long range sensors are up and running again. It’s the warp core that’s holding us up. Geordi needs to get it able to sustain at least warp six if we’re to get to Starbase 179 to complete the repairs.”

Jean-Luc sighed.

“And that will take a week?”

Will nodded.

“Just about.”

The Captain lowered his head and Will could see how tired he was. A bad patient at the best of times, Jean-Luc never slept well in Sick Bay. Will cast a look at Beverly and, seeing her concerned expression, adopted a light tone.

“You go to your quarters, Captain, I’ll look after everything and I’ll keep you apprised of our progress.”

Knowing he meant well, but still somewhat disgruntled at being treated like an invalid, Jean-Luc grunted his acceptance of Will’s suggestion. Grabbing the opportunity, Beverly gently took Jean-Luc’s hand and began to lead him from his room. He allowed it only until they got to the door, then he retrieved his hand, but not before giving Beverly a look that begged her understanding. She smiled and gave it and they walked out of Sick Bay together.








The Vulcan ship had left the day before with T’Krel and Selar on board. Jean-Luc had been notified of the CMO’s departure and he was deep in thought as he and Beverly entered his quarters. Sensing his mood, Beverly said quietly,

“You go and sit down; I’ll get us both a cup of tea.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Thank you.”

While Beverly was busy at the replicator, Jean-Luc wandered to the viewports and stared out at the stars, vaguely grateful that he couldn’t see the planet below. It was the sound of the cups being put on the low table that broke his reverie. He turned to see Beverly seated on the sofa, her expression sad.

She looked up at him and said softly,

“Want to talk about it?”

He sighed as he took his seat beside her and took her hand.

“I don’t know where to start.”

She offered a small smile, tilted her head to see under his lowered brow and said gently,

“At the beginning?”

He was silent for a while, thoughtfully sipping his tea. He then sighed and gave Beverly his full attention.

“Where did you go when you left the Enterprise?”

Knowing this particular question was coming didn’t make it any easier to answer, but Beverly took a deep breath and told Jean-Luc everything. She ended by saying,

“I thought I’d done everything I could to remain anonymous during my short stay at Command. I had no idea I’d been seen by someone who knew me.”

Jean-Luc’s smile was a wry one.

“Anita Keating.”

Shock registered on Beverly’s face.

“You’ve got to be joking! She hasn’t been back to Earth in years.”

Jean-Luc shrugged.

“Well I bumped into her on my way to see someone else. Oh and by the way, she’s Anita Simmons now. She got married.”

Beverly rubbed her brow.

“And she saw me?”

Jean-Luc nodded.

“Yes, but only through a window. It was enough; however, she was certain it was you.”

“And she told you.”

Jean-Luc reddened and gazed into his now empty teacup.

“She had heard about my upcoming wedding and wanted to get together with you and me to celebrate.”

Beverly sat back and stared at the ceiling.

“Ah yes, that.”

Jean-Luc cast her an unsettled glance and sighed. Taking pity on him, Beverly took his hand and asked softly,

“Why, Jean-Luc…why marry…and why T’Krel?”

He sighed, closed his eyes and sat back, stretching his legs out in front of him.

“To be honest, I’m not sure. I thought I loved her, I certainly found myself attracted to her and I was willing to commit to her for the rest of my life…until I found out you were alive.”

“And then?”

“It all fell apart. As soon as I knew you were alive and I found out where you were I became frantic to get to you, to see you again…to try and rekindle what we once had.”

It was Beverly’s turn to close her eyes.

“What we had was horrible, Jean-Luc…and it was my fault.”

He sighed and squeezed her hand.

“That last eighteen months, maybe, but before that, Beverly…our friendship…that was something I treasured beyond measure.”

Tears welled in Beverly’s eyes as she said softly,

“Me too. We were best friends, weren’t we.”

He nodded.

“Yes, and I’d like to think we still are, but Beverly…”

Two tears overflowed his eyes and slid down his face.

“I love you, my heart…and I can’t let you go, not from my career or from my life.”

She smiled through her tears.

“Then it’s a good thing I feel the same, Jean-Luc. What I said in Sick Bay was true, my love, I love you with all of my being, I’m just so ashamed it took me so damned long to realise it.”

They kissed tenderly, their tears mingling. The kiss ended and they stayed with their foreheads touching. It was Jean-Luc, who spoke first, softly saying,

“Will you come back to the Enterprise, Beverly, be my CMO?”

Unable to find her voice, all Beverly could do was nod. Jean-Luc took both of her hands in his and whispered,

“And after a suitable courtship, will you marry me, Beverly?”

Still unable to speak, Beverly whispered,

“As long as you make love to me tonight, Jean-Luc…the way you’ve always wanted to.”

His heart too full to speak, he instead showed his love in his kiss. It left them both breathless and yearning for more.

With his large hands firmly gripping hers, he rose to his feet, encouraging her to stand with him. They kissed again and Jean-Luc whispered,

“I adore you, mon coeur.”

Nuzzling him under his ear, Beverly murmured,

“I have been waiting for this for a very long time.”

He surprised her by chuckling.

“Not as long as I.”

Beverly lifted her head to look into the smokiness of his dark hazel eyes and gasped at seeing the depths of his passion swirling there. Her eyes travelled down his body, noticing the bulge in his pants. Raising her eyes to stare into his, she traced one finger over his erection and smiled as he closed his eyes and sighed. She leaned slightly forward, and gently bit his earlobe, whispering,
“I think we’ve waited long enough.”

He responded with another deeply passionate kiss, then took her hand, leading her to his bedroom. Once inside he began to slowly undress her, but she stilled his hands, saying sultrily,

“Let me…you just watch.”

He stood, rooted to the spot as Beverly slowly divested herself of her clothing. His eyes roamed over her body, taking in each newly exposed area of skin. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time. Once she was standing in front of him clad in nothing but a peach coloured thong he could stand it no longer. He fell to his knees and buried his face in her crotch, taking a deep breath through his nose, infusing his senses with her intimate scent. Lolling her head back on her neck, Beverly gently drew her fingers over his sensitive scalp as he took each side of the thong and dragged it down her legs. Freeing it from her feet, he tossed it across the room then used the fingers of one hand to spread her labia as he leaned forward to tease her with his tongue.

Beverly moaned as he darted his tongue in and out of her, only to then flick it over her clit. When she felt him slide two, then three fingers inside her she began to tremble as she felt her climax approach. But she wasn’t prepared for its intensity. She arched her back, going up onto the balls of her feet as a strangled cry was ripped from her throat. She was pulling Jean-Luc’s head hard against her, almost smothering him in her sex.

Somehow he kept up his ministrations, bringing about another orgasm. She lost the ability to stand and, if it wasn’t for Jean-Luc’s lightning fast reflexes, she would have crashed to the floor. He was on his feet in an instant, taking her in his arms and holding her up.

With her head resting on his shoulder, she moaned his name breathlessly over and over. He gently eased her onto the bed and, before he stripped off his clothing, took a few seconds to stare at her, marvelling at her sensuous beauty. Her alabaster skin was stained a dusky pink and her vibrant red hair was spread over the pillows like a flaming halo.

Once naked, he got onto the bed and lay beside her, kissing her with tender desire while the fingers of his free hand played with her nipples.

She moaned into his mouth as her hand sought his erection. When her fingers closed around his rigid shaft he gasped and groaned sensuously, but when she used her palm to spread his precome over the head he thrust involuntarily into her hand.

He tore his mouth away from hers and descended to her breasts where he lavished each nipple, sucking and nipping until Beverly was squirming with desire.

While his mouth was busy, his hand slothfully slid down her body to slide through her folds, alternatively dipping inside her and sliding over her clit. In retaliation, Beverly began to stroke him making him impossibly harder in her hand.

She knew he was going to bring her to orgasm again, but she also knew he was nearing his limit. With her free hand she coaxed his head up to look into his eyes, whispering,

“Now, Jean-Luc…I want you inside me now.”

He swallowed and rose above her, waiting while she spread her legs and bent her knees. Then, with excruciating slowness he entered her with one long stroke.

They both cried out at the heady high of penetration. Beverly reached down and gripped Jean-Luc’s buttocks, urging him to move. He pushed into her hard, grinding himself against her, then pulled almost all the way out before plunging back inside her.

She was surprised when he suddenly gasped,

“Oh God…”

And came.

Beverly lifted her hands, hugging him to her, about to whisper that it didn’t matter, but he beat her to it, saying urgently,

“It’s all right…just give me a minute…I was…overwhelmed.”

Sceptical, but willing to oblige, Beverly caressed his back and gently undulated her hips, rhythmically clenching her internal muscles and was stunned when he began to stiffen once again. She could hear the desire in his voice as he said huskily,

“It would take more than one to satiate me with you, my love.”

Within scant minutes he was thrusting again, Beverly clinging to him as he filled and stretched her.

As he plunged in and out of her, he insinuated his hands under her shoulders and up to her head, cradling her as he kissed her, his tongue mirroring the actions of his penis.

She could feel his balls slapping against her buttocks and she knew her orgasm was close. He suddenly withdrew one hand and slid it between them, unerringly finding her clit and caressing it. She remembered screaming, but nothing else until she became aware of Jean-Luc gently stroking her face. He was still erect and inside her but was motionless, waiting for her to regain consciousness. Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled dreamily up at her lover. He kissed her and very gently began to thrust again as if in question. She nodded and closed her eyes, giving herself over to the delicious sensations of being made love to by a consummate lover.

He gently encouraged her to wrap her legs around his waist then rolled to his side, still gently thrusting. He used his free hand to play with her nipples and Beverly gasped, almost overcome with sensation. When she began to quicken the movements of her hips, Jean-Luc increased both the speed and intensity of his thrusts. His hand left her breasts and went to her buttocks pulling her to him as he pushed into her hard and fast. Beverly’s fingernails dug into the muscles of his back as she suddenly shuddered and flexed through another cataclysmic orgasm, but this time she was aware of Jean-Luc’s guttural shout of liberation as his own orgasm consumed him. Even though she was floating in euphoria, she felt his pulsations as he ejaculated deeply inside her. His rigid body trembled and he moaned her name before hugging her to him, almost crushing her in his embrace. They clung to each other, hearts racing; lungs striving for breath before Jean-Luc slowly eased his embrace. Beverly nuzzled his neck and sighed, utterly sated.

Whispering shakily, Beverly said,

“Oh God…I had no idea.”

Jean-Luc’s deep, mellifluous voice rumbled through his chest as he said softly,

“I have waited my entire life to share that with you, Beverly, my love.”

Tears welled in Beverly’s eyes as she struggled to find her voice.

“I was such a fool. We could have shared that so long ago.”

He kissed her, then smiled, his own eyes filled with tears.

“Don’t dwell on the past, Beverly, let’s just live in the moment.”

She sniffed and kissed him before saying,

“I love you, Jean-Luc Picard.”

He smiled and replied,

“And I love you, Beverly Crusher.”

They drifted off to sleep, still in each other’s arms.









In the early morning they made love again, but although it was tender and satisfying, it wasn’t with the intensity that had consumed them the previous night. As Jean-Luc lay on his back with Beverly cradled against him, she said softly into the darkness,

“Can you tell me about your breakdown?”

Jean-Luc sighed and was silent for a while, but Beverly waited patiently. Eventually he sighed again and closed his eyes against the painful memories.

“When we ended our…relationship…I became increasingly disconnected, from my job, my friends and myself. All I wanted to do was hide behind my Captain’s mask and pretend that I wasn’t hurting as much as I was. Seeing you with that other man was excruciatingly painful, but such was my love for you that I rationalised that whatever made you happy was all right with me…and damned the consequences. But when you left the ship I started a downward spiral and, as time went on and all my efforts to contact you failed, I became more and more despondent. It wasn’t until almost a year had passed that I finally began to believe you were dead. I tried everything, Beverly, contacted everyone I knew, pulled in every favour owed me to try and find out what had happened to you or where you were, but I came up empty. It was the thought that you were most likely dead that proved the final straw that broke this camel’s back. I had been trying to compensate by working long hours…”

He laughed humourlessly.

“You are familiar with my habits…work, work, work. Little sleep or food, just try to dull the pain with work, but one night, very late in the night cycle, I had finally returned to my quarters and something just…broke. I was found the next morning when I didn’t show up at the morning briefing. I was curled up under my desk…comatose. I had finally reached the end of my endurance.”

Beverly reached up and caressed Jean-Luc’s face, trying to keep her tears at bay.

“What happened then?”

Jean-Luc shrugged.

“To be honest I don’t really know. I assume I was taken to Sick Bay, but I have no memory of that, or what happened after. My next memory was becoming aware of my surroundings at the SFM mental health facility on Earth.”

He sighed.

“And you know what really scared me?”

Beverly shook her head.

“No, what?”

“I didn’t care. They told me I had been relieved of Command and that I wouldn’t be leaving the facility until my doctors deemed me mentally healthy again and I just didn’t care…I didn’t give a damn. I thought you were dead and that was all that seemed to matter to me, and that thought made everything else immaterial.”

“And then you met T’Krel.”

He sighed deeply.

“Yes, then I met T’Krel.”

Keeping her voice soft and trying to keep the anger and hurt out of it, Beverly said quietly,

“Tell me.”

He sighed again and drew her closer to him.

“I’m not sure exactly when I began to find her attractive. Certainly she was physically appealing, but in retrospect, I think it may have been her austere manner that attracted me. She seemed to care about what she was doing, but remained…remote…detached and I suppose it reminded me of what we’d once had.”

Beverly closed her eyes against the pain in his voice.

“She represented what I thought I’d lost forever, I suppose and I clung to that.”

His silent tears showed in the shuddering breath he took.

“As the therapy went on I became more and more dependent on her, relying on my attraction to her to allow me to open up to her. In a way I suppose it was a beneficial…I doubt I could have been so honest with someone I felt no connection with.”

Beverly sighed,

“But it became more.”

He nodded in the darkness.

“Yes. I thought I’d fallen in love with her. Looking back I can see how it happened, but hindsight is twenty-twenty vision looking backwards. All I knew was that I thought I needed her in my life…permanently.”

“So, after you regained your Captaincy, you requested her to join the crew.”

He nodded again.

“Yes. And to be honest, I was surprised she accepted. I thought she’d refuse, quote Doctor/patient protocols, but she seemed pleased to be asked and within mere weeks she was aboard.”

Beverly sat up and looked down at her lover in the dark, trying to understand.

“Was she aware of your attraction to her when you were her patient?”

Jean-Luc was aware Beverly was upset, but he also knew he could be nothing but brutally honest.

“I don’t know…perhaps. I didn’t do or say anything inappropriate, but I suppose it was obvious that I was far more comfortable with her than any of the other therapists.”

He could hear an edge in her voice as she asked,

“And no one thought to separate you? That you may be harbouring inappropriate feelings for her?”

He shook his head.

“No…but that may have been because with her I made such good progress. My psyche profile clearly showed I was naturally reticent concerning matters of a personal nature, but with T’Krel I was forthcoming. It was as if…”

He stopped talking and Beverly knew he was embarrassed, embarrassed and worried he was going to hurt her.

“As if what?”

He sighed and swallowed, saying very softy,

“As if I was talking to you.”

Sitting up straighter, Beverly crossed her legs. All she could see of Jean-Luc’s eyes were the pinpricks of light from the stars outside.

“So she came aboard and you initiated a relationship.”

He sighed with a modicum of irritation.

“You make it sound so premeditated.”

Anger crept into her voice when she snapped,

‘”Well wasn’t it? Wasn’t that the reason you requested her presence on the ship in the first place?”

Dismay surged through his mind. He sat up, reaching for Beverly’s hands, but she stymied him by folding her arms over her bare breasts.

He sighed sadly.

“No it wasn’t. I’m not sure what I wanted, Beverly, except that I knew I needed her near me, on my ship, if not in my life…much the same as our relationship used to be before…”H

He stopped again and Beverly gasped softly, whispering,

“Before I used you as my personal sex toy.”

He lowered his head and shook it.

“Of course once I returned to the ship, Deanna once again became my counsellor, so when T’Krel came aboard there was no professional barrier between us. I slowly began to seek her company, inviting her to the occasional breakfast or dinner much like we used to. And the more I saw of her, the more convinced I became that I needed her in my life. Beverly…I was still in pain and I didn’t know what to do to ease it, if anything could. I suppose, deep inside I knew she couldn’t assuage my grief, but I had to try, my love, the alternative was endless misery.”

Pity warred with jealousy. Beverly lifted her chin, the starlight picking up the bitterness in her eyes.

“So you became intimate. I suppose the sex was stupendous.”

Jean-Luc sighed, his tone reproachful.


She suddenly deflated and lowered her head, saying softly,

“I’m sorry Jean-Luc, that was uncalled for.”

He reached forward and took her forearms, uncrossing her arms. Finding her hands in the darkness he said with great tenderness,

“Do you think I could make love like we did last night with anyone but you?”

Tears glinted in the starlight as Beverly shook her head.


He tightened his grip of her hands.

“And do you think any other woman could make me leave my betrothed on my wedding day but you?”

She shook her head again.


He moved closer, letting go of her hands to cradle her face.

“Then what more can I say? I have loved you for more than thirty years with all my heart and soul. I am yours, Beverly, to do with as you wish. You hold the key to my happiness, I am incomplete without you.”

Silence filled the bedroom as they stared into each other’s eyes in the darkness until a quiet sob from Beverly broke the spell. She fell forward into Jean-Luc’s embrace. Brokenly she said softly,

“Oh, Jean-Luc, my dear love…how I’ve hurt you. I’m so very sorry. How could I have not seen what you are? How you felt? I have caused us to waste so many years, years we could have been together…”

He hugged her to him, shaking his head.

“No, Beverly, no more recriminations. We have each other now and forever and every time I see you I will know that no other woman could ever take your place.”

They made love again, this time once more with the intensity of that first night, but as they loved each other, they wept, both in sadness of past regrets and with joy for the future.







The next morning over breakfast, Jean-Luc, sipping his coffee, asked quietly,

“Beverly, forgive me for asking, but I’m curious. What was it like to kill yourself?”

Holding her cup in both hands, Beverly stared into the dark brew as she gathered her thoughts. She slowly put the cup down and ran her fingers around the rim.

“Actually not as difficult as you might imagine. At the time…she…was going to kill me, so in a way it was self defence, but, as you know, I was under orders to kill her if I couldn’t stop her anyway.”

She sighed deeply.

“And she was totally insane, Jean-Luc, well beyond any means of help or redemption.”

Finished with his coffee, Jean-Luc gave Beverly a look of sympathy.

“Still, it must have been traumatic for you.”

She nodded.

“Yes, I suppose it was. I don’t remember much about my journey back to the shuttle, although I do remember activating the explosives I’d planted around her facility. I suppose I was in a daze for a while.

“And all this because I’d been murdered.”

Nodding, Beverly couldn’t disguise the wince.

“You know, what I find really scary is that given the same circumstances I might do the same thing. I mean I did it in that time line, who’s to say I wouldn’t do it now?”

Reaching across the table, Jean-Luc took Beverly’s hand.

“You wouldn’t do it, Beverly, I’m certain of that.”

She smiled, but it was with little confidence.

“How can you be so sure?”

He smiled with tenderness and warmth.

“Because we’ve resolved our differences. If anything were to happen to either of us, the other would be able to carry on; knowing that we’d shared our love.”

Thoughtfully, Beverly nodded.

“I think you may be right, Jean-Luc. Part of what had driven the other Beverly mad was the guilt that she had been responsible for your death and that you had died never knowing how much she loved you.”

She sighed,

“But living without you, especially now, after what we’ve shared…I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to even contemplate it, it’s just too painful.”

Jean-Luc rose from his seat and knelt beside Beverly, taking her into his embrace.

“Then don’t, my love. If the Gods be willing, we will have many, many years to share together.”

Their moment was broken by a call from the Bridge.

“Riker to Picard.”

Getting to his feet, Jean-Luc smiled down at his lover and gently caressed her face.

“Picard here, Number One.”

“Captain, a Sergeant Styles has requested a meeting with both you and Beverly and he said Doctor Key would also like to see you both.”

Beverly made a cutting motion across her throat. Jean-Luc said,

“Give me a moment, Number one.”

“Aye, Sir.”

Jean-Luc closed the channel and gave Beverly an expectant look. She smiled up at him and explained,

“We should meet with them, Jean-Luc.”

He nodded.

“Here on the ship?”

She shook her head.

“No, let’s go down to the surface, it would be more polite.”

With a nod, Jean-Luc tapped his comm. badge.


“Yes, Captain?”

“Doctor Crusher and I will be beaming down to the surface. Please inform Sergeant Styles we will meet with both he and Doctor Key at their convenience.”

“Aye, Captain, Riker out.”

Beverly stood and cast an appreciative eye over her civilian clothed lover and blushed as she realised he was doing the same thing to her. He chuckled at seeing the flush reddening her face and took her hand.

“You are so beautiful, Beverly.”

She smiled saucily and leaned forward, whispering,

“And you, my lascivious lover, are exceptionally handsome.”

She laughed delightedly as her declaration coloured the tips of his ears red. He shook his head and tightened his grip of her hand.

“Come on, you minx.”

They left his quarters and Beverly was inordinately surprised when he didn’t release her hand. Somehow sensing her surprise, Jean-Luc looked at her and sent her a radiant smile.

“I’m not going to hide my feelings for you, Beverly, I’m simply too happy. Besides, if we’re to marry, the crew are going to have to get used to the idea of seeing their besotted Captain showing the love of his life how much she means to him.”

Blinking back tears of joy and contentment, Beverly lifted her chin and smiled glowingly, so very proud and in love.




© Copyright 2018 Heather Smyth. All rights reserved.


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