Heart Attack

Heart Attack

Status: Finished

Genre: Literary Fiction

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Literary Fiction

Summary

When nothing goes right, I wish I had a heart attack... Ana-Marie has had a hard past and the present really isn't much better. And all this stuff that has happened to her has been building up inside her for years and has caused her to have serious depression. But like most depressed people, she hides it behind a smile so no one can see how upset she really is. But does a smile really fix everything? Or can it only make things worse before they get better? ~~~ Ok so this novel really isn't that erotic but I just felt like posting it here instead of on my Booksie account because... Well just read and I think you'll find out why. ~~~ ©Copyright 2013, EmmaDaisy, All Rights Reserved

Summary

When nothing goes right, I wish I had a heart attack...

Ana-Marie has had a hard past and the present really isn't much better. And all this stuff that has happened to her has been building up inside her for years and has caused her to have serious depression. But like most depressed people, she hides it behind a smile so no one can see how upset she really is. But does a smile really fix everything? Or can it only make things worse before they get better?
~~~
Ok so this novel really isn't that erotic but I just felt like posting it here instead of on my Booksie account because... Well just read and I think you'll find out why.
~~~
©Copyright 2013, EmmaDaisy, All Rights Reserved

Chapter1 (v.1) - Heart Attack

Author Chapter Note

When nothing goes right, I wish I had a heart attack... Ana-Marie has had a hard past and the present really isn't much better. And all this stuff that has happened to her has been building up inside her for years and has caused her to have serious depression. But like most depressed people, she hides it behind a smile so no one can see how upset she really is. But does a smile really fix everything? Or can it only make things worse before they get better? ~~~ Ok so this novel really isn't that erotic but I just felt like posting it here instead of on my Booksie account because... Well just read and I think you'll find out why. ~~~ Character pics possibly coming soon :)

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 30, 2013

Reads: 592

Comments: 2

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 30, 2013

A A A

A A A

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It's just not fair
Pain's more trouble than love is worth
I gasp for air
It feels so good, but you know it hurts

Demi Lovato, Heart Attack

It started with a cut. The blood ran down my arm and dripped into the water which turned red and swirled. My toes curled as the blood ran over them though the water. The knife trembled in my hand as I watched the display of blood dancing across my forearm, into my palm and diving off my fingertips. There was no way out of this. It was too late now. I took the knife and made another cut across the first, making a cross on my arm. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying out.
Not in pain.
In pleasure.
The cool blade on my skin felt too good. When it sliced through my skin I felt all right. It made the fears and heart aches disappear for a while. It made the thoughts in my head quiet themselves for a few seconds. I closed my eyes and let my tears soak my cheeks, turning them black from my make-up. If only I cared enough to stop.
As I kept my eyes closed and fell further into the darkness of my mind, I started to remember why I was so depressed in the first place. Why I had started doing this to begin with. Now you’re curious aren’t you?
The biggest reason is because I have two fathers. People never seem to realize how much hell I catch for having gay parents. The second biggest reason is that I was adopted from Romania. My English isn’t very good and I have an extremely thick accent which makes it hard for people to understand me. Whenever I try to speak, I get a lot of “what? I can’t understand you” comments. I don’t think they’re really meant to hurt me, just to be used as clarification, but they do. They pierce my heart like an arrow in a bulls eye. I try my damndest to speak so I can be understood, but it’s just so hard. My thoughts are what make me the way I am. I shouldn’t let what they say about my dads bother me, or my accent, but I can’t help it. It’s who I am.
And no one ever seems to understand.
I opened my eyes and let myself out of the darkness, back into the florescent lit bathroom. I’d been in here long enough and I needed to leave or my dads would get suspicious. I turned on the water in the tub and washed the blood from my arm then let the water drain out. As I stepped out, I caught a look at myself in the mirror, something I always hated. I saw sorrow in my big, blue eyes. Pain making my body tense. And the truth written on my lips. I gasped and looked away from myself then quickly slid my elbow length, red with black lace glove up my arm to cover the cuts.
I flushed the toilet as not to cause suspicion then made a hasty exit from the bathroom. I heard my parents fighting from down the hall. They had been fighting a lot lately over the stupidest of stuff. I think they knew I heard them but they always tried to cover it up, act like nothing was going on. They liked to pretend for my sake. I was their daughter, after all.
Sighing, I went into my room and stood in front of the full length mirror hanging on my closet door. I’m still not sure why I had that in my room, maybe to just remind myself of the past. Back in Romania, I suffered from a serious eating disorder and sometimes, to this day, I still look in the mirror and tell myself I’m fat and ugly and I eat too much. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see a fat girl with a chocolate bar in hand. Other times a see a girl who is all bone with bloodshot eyes and tear stains on her clothes. It’s a rare occasion when I actually see myself as I am now.
I turned away from the mirror, completely disgusted with myself for who I was. Completely sickened by the past yet somehow knowing it wasn’t over yet. And that made my heart break more than anything. I was just a depressed teenager with a past from hell and the future of a black hole.
The arguing coming from the living room stopped and I heard footsteps coming toward my room. Two seconds later both my dads were standing behind me in the doorway.
“Ana-Marie, I think there’s something we need to talk about. As a family.”
I nodded my head and took a seat on my bed, They came over and sat on either side of me. “Vhat do ve need to talk about?” I stumbled out in my broken English.
“Ana… We know you’ve been hearing us fighting but we’ve been pretending like it’s no big deal but it is. It’s tearing us apart.” My dad, Shawn, said.
“We know it needs to stop.” My other dad, Terrance, interjected. “The fighting, the pretending, all of it. It’s just not worth it. So… You’re father and I have made an appointment with a marriage counselor and we’re going to see if she can help us work this whole mess out.”
“Things will be better around here.”
I nodded and gave as much of a smile as I could manage. “Dat vould be great. I don like having broke family.”
“We know. We’re going to fix this.”
Terrance cleared his throat. “Um, we also wanted to ask you if you maybe wanted us to get you an English tutor. Help you learn the language faster so you can communicate better.”
I looked up for the first time since they’d come in. An English tutor?  “I, um, I don know…”
They both smiled at me. “You don’t have to give us an answer right now. You can think about it and let us know when you’re ready.”
“Mul?umesc.”
“You’re welcome, honey.” Shawn kissed my head and smiled which then turned into a frown. “Have you been crying Ana-Marie?”
I blushed and wiped at my face. “Um… uh… da.”
“Sweetie, why?” A concerned look crossed over his face.
“It has been hard veek, da?”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. But you know that if you have a problem or something is bothering you, you can always come talk to us.”
“You two vere arguing… I did no vant to disturb.”
“Oh baby.” Terrance wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his lap. “You wouldn’t have disturbed us. We love you and we always want to help you no matter what we’re doing.”
I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder then breathed in his warm scent of cinnamon and vanilla. Americans smelled so good, it always managed to baffle me at all the different colognes and perfumes I saw in shops and malls.
“All right. We’re going to go get dinner started, okay? We’ll call you when it’s ready.” Terrance shifted me off his lap and got to his feet along with Shawn. They intertwined hands and smiled down at me.
“And no more crying, got it? I hate to see you upset.” Shawn said.
I nodded again and gave them another small smile. “Te iubesc.”
“We love you too.” They said together then walked out of the room. As soon as the door closed I felt my depression start to settle in again. Without my dads next to me and no one to talk to who understood me, I felt alone. My heart started breaking again, but more slowly this time. At least now I had something good coming toward me. My parents were getting marriage counseling so they wouldn’t argue anymore. That was a good thing. But it was only a small victory and there was still more to come. There was still the fact that they were gay. There was still the fact that many teenagers at school hated them for it and, in turn, passed that hate to me. There was still the matter that I couldn’t speak English very well and I didn’t really want a tutor. With a tutor I would feel disabled and I already felt that on a daily basis.
There was still the fat girl in the mirror mocking me.
Things could only get worse before they got better.


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