Hold These Nuts (Ch. 1-3)

Hold These Nuts (Ch. 1-3) Hold These Nuts (Ch. 1-3)

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor


Status: Finished

Genre: Humor


The first three chapters of my novel, Hold These Nuts. When I went into read the novel on booksie I didn't like how it cut off abruptly.


The first three chapters of my novel, Hold These Nuts. When I went into read the novel on booksie I didn't like how it cut off abruptly.

Chapter1 (v.1) - Hold These Nuts (Ch. 1-3)

Author Chapter Note

The first three chapters of my novel, Hold These Nuts. When I went into read the novel on booksie I didn't like how it cut off abruptly.

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 19, 2012

Reads: 620

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 19, 2012







Hold These Nuts

By Derik Taylor


A Parody of Texas Hold Him by Mrs. Cooke














Chapter 1


Huntington, West Virginia, Purity United Front, 2121


Seth Michael had a massive erection as he walked down a fairly well lit alley. He found himself in the alley to meet a man who had left a letter taped to the front door of his house, a letter which threatened to expose a family secret. Has family didn’t have many secrets, but the one they had would land his father in jail. The erection came due to the flirtations of a beautiful Taco Larry* who had tried to tempt him with a $500 blow job - $1,000 for everything else right before he turned down into the alley. Seth Michael walked slowly, being mindful of the puddles left over from the thunderstorm that evening.

“Ar, don’t ye be turnin’ around, wee lad,” came a raspy voice from behind him.

His heart fluttered and he froze. He took two deep breaths before saying, “I’m not that wee, am I? I mean I’m 6’3” or a little bit over that. And are you a pirate? I heard an ‘Ar?’”

“Yes. And I have a gun, matey. Now raise ye arms.”

Seth Michael raised his arms. He had always had a healthy fear of pirates since he was a wee lad. His father and cloned biological mother had collected pirate dolls, forced him to dress like a pirate for school, and did raucous pirate role playing on the weekends with friends. Role playing which inevitably ended with him having sex with a man.

“The letter said to bring fifty-eight million dollars, now hand it over.”

“Here,” Seth Michael took his backpack off and dropped it on the ground. “Can I go?”

The man picked up the bag. It was heavy and he couldn’t believe it’d worked. He unzipped it. He saw money on top, but when he dug his fingers down it was filled dirt.

“Hey, what the hell?”

“Huh?” Seth Michael asked sweetly and turned to see the man for the first time. His initial premonition that he was dealing with a pirate were confirmed. He wore a puffy white shirt and a dirty piratey jacket with dull brass buttons. For a hand he had a hook, a patch over one eye, a long dirty mustache, and a parrot on his shoulder. A startled noise escaped Seth Michael’s lips.

“Ye think ye’re clever, don’t ye?”

Seth Michael did think he was clever. Though now with an eye full of pirate he wished he had the money to give and be done with this nonsense.

“No, sir. I don’t have that kind of money though. In the bag is all I have. I hoped you’d be happy with it.” Streams of perspiration rolled off Seth Michael’s forehead, down his cheeks and neck, down between his small, but well formed pecks and across his rock hard abs, it pooled in his belly button and poured out when he exhaled and soaked into the waist band of his sweat pants from there the hot sweat trickled down into his pubes where the stream split between the hairs and reformed to the right of his penis and ran down his inner thigh and on down his leg and into his shoes. He shivered a little.

The pirate stepped up to Seth Michael’s face. He jabbed the curved part of his hook into Seth Michael’s chest. “I’m no fool. I served with ye father during the war. He always had the best of everything. I know ye family have great masses of treasure.”

“Yeah, sure, we did. Before the war, duh! The robots destroyed everything we had. The factory is long gone.”

“Ye look like a persuasive boy. Just get the money! Unless ye want to see ye father in jail ye will have me the money by morning. Ye!”

“Why would my daddy go to jail? What’d he do? He’s in a freaking wheelchair?”

“Ha ha,” the pirate laughed and rubbed the end of his mustache between his fingers. “I think ye know, boy.”

Seth Michael wanted to choose his next words carefully. He didn’t want to just admit the family secret. “I don’t really know. You’ll have to tell me.”

“Ye know,” the pirate said giving him a sideways stare from his one eye.

“I don’t think I do,” Seth Michael said with a shrug.

“Ye know.”

Seth Michael shook his head.

“Ye know.”

Seth Michael shook his head faster.

“Ye know.”

Seth Michael took a deep breath, stopped shaking his head, and nodded, “It’s his collection of robot sex slaves.”

The pirate’s eyes widened, “Har-har-har, me didn’t even know of that! Fifty-eight million dollars and to show ye what a fair man I am I will give ye one month from today or me will tell the robots about the old man having the sex slaves.”

“I don’t know how I can do it. I’ve never had a job. If I get a job it’d take a lifetime to make that much. And if I paid you everything I made how would I pay for my way to work, or food, or water? If I don’t eat or drink I wouldn’t be able to work long and then I’d just die.”

“That’s not me problem now is it? I will find ye. If ye don’t have the money, well ye know what will happen.”

The pirate ran away down the alley cackling like a malfunctioning robotic chicken. This was all very frustrating for Seth Michael. His dad had been a general for part of the war even though he was in a wheelchair. He knew how the robots would react if they were tipped off to a human using robots as sex slaves. Even though they weren’t supposed to enter the Purity United Front they’d still descend upon the home. Once they saw the old man in the basement torturing robots they’d destroy the rest of house as well as those inside.

The robots were real sensitive about being fucked by humans. That’s what’d started the war to begin with. And now he knew that some pirate knew what was going on in the basement of his house. He had no other option – he had to get fifty-eight million dollars. There was no where for him to go if the house was blown up. The government checks would stop with his daddy’s death. Where would he get his allowance? He had to keep this pirate away.

“Damn mean pirate! Hey, my book bag,” Seth Michael said reaching down into the bag and taking out the money. He dumped the dirt out and put the backpack on his back. With the cash he negotiated an all-nighter with the Taco Larry at the other end of the alley for $750 and they retired to the Taco Larry’s room at a nearby motel where santorum* ran thick and hot until the early morning.


Back home Seth Michael felt the seriousness of the situation more seriously than he had previously. Everyone in the house relied on his father for support: his aunt Marble and her husband, his uncle’s brother and his wife and their four kids, his cousin and his friends, his dead step-mother’s mother and father and their adopted llamas, a clone of his real mother and her wife—who was a clone of his mother’s clone. (It was against the law to marry a clone of yourself, but his older cloned mother had gone ahead and done it anyways. The idea that a person of the same sex as you can please you better has nothing on literally fucking yourself. Not everyone had the stomach for such a thing since you had to raise your clone from infancy, but if a person had the means they could outsource the raising of their clone until a reasonable age. At which time the younger clone would meet the older clone and either threw coercion, therapy, drugs or even of their own volition would begin an intimate relationship with their older clone.) So if daddy went away everyone would have to fend for themselves, something he knew none of them were capable of.

Seth Michael stood in the foyer and looked at himself in the mirror. He had slept for an hour or two the night before after the sex. At dawn he snuck out of the room. He looked awful.

Aunt Marble came down the steps. “We were worried about you last night. Everything okay?”

Seth Michael pulled the higopt* out and let his pony tail out. He shook his long flowing brown locks and massaged his scalp.

“Oh, sure. I spent the night at a … a, uh, friend’s house.”

Marble knew he didn’t have any friends and from the strung out look in his eyes she knew he’d again spent their precious money on a prostitute again.

“I wish you’d just find a man and settle down. This life you’re leading isn’t right. I hear you’ve been with transvestites. I can smell the perfume on you!”

“Jeez, stop with the generalizations. I’m usually with Taco Larrys if you must know.”

“Goodness, boy. That’s about as close to a woman as you can get. What are you doing? You know who you are.”

Seth Michael had the gay gene. He’d known about it his whole life. His family never missed an opportunity to remind him especially when they caught him inching toward a hetero-lifestyle.

“Your father has been asking for you. You should go see him.”


When he opened the door to the basement steps he could hear the tortured sounds of the robots below. The room smelled of latex, car exhaust and burnt oil. His father sat in a wheelchair poking the face of a robot with a three foot long dildo. The robot had a pretty face, but the rest of its body was stripped down to wires and raw metal. The robot laid helpless, chains fastening it tightly to the concrete floor. It begged quietly to be killed.  

“You wanted to see me?”

“Oh, Seth Michael, there you are. I’d like you to take me out to the factory today.”

The York family sex robot business, Domination Inc., once upon a time had been the largest in the country, even rivaling Japan’s best. The factory was destroyed during the war, along with daddy’s mind. He hadn’t been outside for years.

“It’s been snowing, daddy. I don’t think today would be a good day. Maybe another time?”

“Oh, how I do hate the snow. Another day would be,” he stopped here to cough for about three minutes straight.

Seth Michael heard the mucous catching in the old man’s mouth and pooling and building. He wheeled over to a robot and forced her mouth open and spit into it.

“Shit daddy, that’s gross.”

The old man laughed until he became choked up again on mucous and went through another long coughing fit. Finally he stopped coughing.

“Daddy, I need money.”

“I can only give you your allowance. No more. The government only gives me so much. Push that bottom lip back in. Your allowance is plenty.”

“Yeah, but I need millions.”

Daddy laughed at his son, “Not going to happen.”

After a long shower Seth Michael went out to the front yard and stood in the dirt, underneath the big dead tree. He could see his friend Lammy next door standing in his yard of dirt doing yoga. Lammy wore a fantastic neon orange full-body suit bedazzled with shimmering fake jewels.

“SM! What’s up, boy?”

Seth Michael and Lammy had grown up together on the same street. They’d had a slight friendship over the years, mostly Lammy talking him into things. After high school Lammy went off to college and came back and moved back in with his parents. It’d been ten years since they graduated and neither had accomplished anything. By the time Seth Michael’s daddy was 30 he ran R&D at a robotics company and at 40 he had his own company. Seth Michael knew he had no chance of matching that. Lammy had accomplished just as little, but he was always on the verge of greatness – boasting about how he was about to start med. school, about to open a Subway, write a screenplay, and his endless triumphs with women. He came over and launched right into one of his classic over-the-top stories of his sexual exploits.

“Three girls at the same time!”

Seth Michael’s mind drifted to the millions he needed to save his daddy.

“And they were on all fours …”

He could kidnap Lammy and hold him ransom. Lammy’s parents had money.

“One of them farted in the other one’s mouth …”

He could try and harvest the organs of some of the people in the house.

“As always, I went for hours …”

No, he’s scared of blood and he had no idea where anything is inside humans.

“Then we went to the …”

In the end suicide would be better than living on the streets.

“And they had tons of cash out on the table.”

“Wait, cash?”

“Yeah, they were playing Go Fish. This one chick won like 500 grand on one game. She was killing everyone. And she was fucking hot too! Indian or Arab or some shit I’m not sure. Tall as you though, which usually makes chicks look like cavemen, but not her, she was hot.”

“What was her name?”

“Adi something, it was foreign.”

Seth Michael was struck with the bestest idea ever! He would go to Adi Something and convince her to teach him how to become a Go Fish god and after a few days he’d have the money for the pirate blackmailer and all could go back to normal. Maybe he could even make enough to buy some new shoes.


Later that day at noon heady suds of toxic brown foam churned underneath the ship called the Ophiuchus Five as it hovered over the mighty Ohio River. The ship was simply an old casino fitted with an anti-gravity hover system. His destiny and that of his entire family resided on that ship. He took a moment to take in the moment. He wanted to remember everything about it. He looked into the brown sky and for second he could almost see the sun.

At the front desk he asked the woman, who may have been a robot, he couldn’t tell, if there was an Adi Something on board. She said yes, room 230.

Before he took another step he closed his eyes and thought about the consequences of being from such a respected family and stepping into the dark world of gambling, Go Fish even – the hardcorest of all games. He needed a pseudonym so no one would recognize his name.

Meth Sichael. He’d drop the last name entirely. He would be Meth in this world. He would reinvent himself. Meth would be brave, fearless, manly. He took the escalator up to the second floor, found the door with 230 on it and knocked. Seth Michael would have been to shy to do this, but Meth was confident, he had courage.

“Adi Something? Are you there?”

He heard sex noises and then the sound of glass shattering.

“Adi Something!” he said taking his purse off and swinging it into the door, “I need you very badly.”

The door flew open. Meth found himself looking at two lovely light brown breasts. Lammy was right. She was both hot and tall. All she had on was a pair of black panties. Meth stepped back quickly and took his eyes off her large nipples and looked up into her eyes. He felt a pleasant spinning in his stomach and heart, which he had never felt before. Could this be the vapors?

Adi took the higopt out of her hair and let her luscious black mane fall down her chest, covering her nipples.

“What the fuck you want, bitch?” she asked. Her voice had a gruffness to it that reminded him of his female drill instructors during his three weeks in boot camp.

“Hi, yes, um, are you Adi Something?”

“Sure am.”

“I would fancy a quick word with you over a proposal of business if you would find it in your satisfaction to get decent and meet me in the restaurant downstairs,” Meth said, trying out his best southern accent.

“Excuse me, Miss?”



“Yes, Mr. Meth Sichael,” he said and smiled sneakily thinking to himself how perfect that name was, no one would suspect he was Seth Michael.

“I don’t care what you want. I’m busy fucking that man,” she said and pointed to the man on the bed. “Don’t go soft on me!” she hollered back at the man.

Meth looked in at the man. The man’s arms were tied to the headboard, yet he still managed a wave. Meth waved back. Adi slammed the door.

“The nerve of that woman!” he screeched and stomped his foot.

Meth turned away from the door and took a few deep breaths. He turned back and kicked the door like a donkey.

The door flew open.

His foot kicked back and he almost fell over. He gained his balance and faced her. She had her hair pulled back and had lost her panties. The anger in her face would have made a lizard with a detachable tail defense mechanism lose its tail over the anger in her face. Thank the sweet Lord Meth wasn’t a lizard.

Meth lost the bravado he thought he’d acquired with the name change and began to tear up, “Please help me, please please please!”

Adi put her hands up and held onto the top of the doorframe and leaned forward looking Meth over. He was a cutie, tall, dark, beautiful hair. “Boy, I’m sorry. I hate to turn you down right now. You look like a feisty thing, but I need to ring this fella out right now. Come check back with me later,” she said and slammed the door in his face again.

He walked down a few doors then took a seat on a bench outside of one of the rooms. He stared out into the darkness across the river. A fire burned on the shore of the river. People huddled around it.
















Chapter Two


The serious Go Fish money didn’t start getting splashed around till about midnight, but Adi decided to start earlier. She wore a perfectly tailored gray suit, white dress shirt, black tie and black heels. Before leaving her room she adjusted the cuffs of her shirt under her jacket so they extended an inch past the sleeves of her blazer, picked multiple imaginary pieces of fuzz and a few hairs off her jacket. She then brushed off actual dandruff flakes from her shoulders.

“Ms. Husayn? Can you untie me?” whimpered the voice of the man she’d spent the day with.

Adi huffed and sat down beside the man and untied the rope from his wrists.

The man, whose name Adi had forgotten, cuddled up beside her. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever met. He would leave his family for her. He’d already told her that. “It feels so good to be touching you,” he told her.

Adi constantly found herself involved with clingy men. Men she felt nothing for. “You can go off yonder now or whatever.”

The man cuddled closer and said, “I don’t want to leave. I’ll be yours and you can be mine.”

Adi had no interest in settling down in any way.

“You need to go,” Adi said and stood up.

“When can I see you again, Adi?”

“I don’t know, but right now I need to head to the tables and get my Go Fish on.”

The idea of settling down again had crossed her mind from time to time. But the transient lifestyle she lived was for a reason. Letting a man or woman into it would lead to nothing but jealousy. She’d tried it before, letting a man travel with her on a gambling trip to New Orleans a year before. After the trip to be rid of him she took him on a ride out into the country and dropped him off at a nice house with a big fenced in yard. A card player couldn’t have distractions if they wanted to be successful.

Downstairs in the gaming area the tables were already packed with men and women trying to change their luck, spending what little money they had in the hopes of turning things around at home. With any luck she could pull in a couple hundred thousand dollars before the serious games started. A waitress came by and asked Adi if she wanted the usual.

“Sure do, thanks. I’ll be over there at the Go Fish tables.”

“I know, I’ll find you. Hey, um, Adi?”

Adi looked at the waitress for the first time, it was one she slept with, a very persistent this one. She couldn’t remember her name.

“Yes, hun?”
“Could, um, maybe I see you tonight after the games?”

“That’s a possibility. Let’s talk later. I’m not trying to shoo you away, but I’d like that drink. I’m very thirsty.”

“Oh, yes, ma’am. I’ll be right back.”

Adi panted the waitress’s butt as she walked away, “Thanks now.”

She scanned the room. She wanted to be sure she didn’t sit at a table with a robot. Humans couldn’t go into robot casinos, but robots always seemed to find their way into human casinos. There were a few people she thought might be robots, she made a note to stay away from them. On a ship like the Ophiuchus Five they weren’t going to be as strict about robots, but once they reached Cincinnati for The Mid-West 11th Annual Go Fish Tournament it’d be all human. She already had ¾ of the ½ million dollar entry fee. She knew she had a good chance of winning it again and the fifty-eight million dollar grand prize. Adi kept her money in the bank, but when a new season started she’d take out a few thousand, find a gaming ship, board it early and stay on it until she reached the big tournament. She had millions in the bank and didn’t need to work another day in her life, but she liked the challenge and there was something else, something personal she needed to tend to.

She found a table with a few well dressed folks—probably big shots from the town where the ship had docked that day.

“Reckon it’d be good and dandy if I done did join you people?” Adi said, really pouring on her best southern drawl.

“Have a seat,” offered a man in a bowler hat. “We are just starting a new hand of Go Fish. It’s five thousand each hand, winner takes all. You can sit here beside me.”

Adi took her cüzdan* from her purse. The cüzdan was busting with cash, she purposely held it out to the table, tempting the people there with the money. She pulled some bills out and tossed them on the table.

“Reckon ya’ll think that’d be enough to join?”

The dealer picked up the money and counted it. “Young lady in, five thousand dollars even.”

Everyone at the table clapped, impressed because they thought she’d just randomly tossed a chunk of money out and got it exactly right. But she’d set it up in her cüzdan so that she knew at what point in the stack of bills was $5,000. The waitress brought Adi a glass orange juice. Adi took the glass off the tray, dropped a fifty on the tray and took a sip.

“Well let’s all get to know each other better,” said an old white woman sitting to the dealer’s left.

The dealer began carefully dealing out the cards. Adi took her seat beside the man. She was right in the middle of the other four players – a good spot where she could see everyone’s face.

The woman continued, “I’m Rachel Franklin. I live here in Huntington, been here my whole life. My wife died in the war, I like tennis and making fondue, my kids don’t talk to me, my dog, Duke Joseph has cancer. I’m here today to earn enough money to pay for his surgery or I’ll hang myself when Duke dies.”

Adi hated how the locals liked to get personal. This would not buy the old woman any sympathy – she hated dogs. Adi glanced down at her hand and rearranged the cards for no reason, just to make it look good. Great hand, she’d drawn two 7s and two 8s to go along with a queen. She laid her cards face down on the table. She was in good position to take the first game, but she didn’t want to scare the other players off with her extraordinary skills at the game.

“I ain’t for sure how to be playing this here game. It’s been such a long time.”

The man who’d offered her the seat was in the middle of his introduction, “I like making pottery and shooting looters… sorry miss let me help you out. Like I said this is Go Fish. We are all dealt five cards and we start to the left of the dealer and go around the table. That means Mrs. Franklin here will go first, then me and then you and around to these other two folks. What you do is want to make four of a rank. Like you want four kings of four sixes and you get those by asking the player you chose if they have any of the kind you need. If they do you get the card and get to go again. Now you can’t ask someone for a card that you don’t have any of to begin with and if they don’t have any they will tell you to ‘go fish’ and you have to draw a card from the pile there. And it goes on to the next player.”

“Okie dokie I think I remember.”

Adi kept up the stupid act for the rest of the game. As she sat there sipping on her drink she was learning the others tells. The woman with the cancer riddled dog won the game. The dealer pushed $25,000 in chips over to her and she giggled happily and raked them in around her.

“Ms. Something?” a slightly masculine voice said behind her.

It sounded like the strange man who’d thrown the fit earlier that day outside her room. She turned and the man came in close beside her. He held his purse close to his side.

“Bonsoir, Mr. Meth Sichael,” Adi said, shocked she remembered his name. Even though she was more than interested in him sexually she said, “Sorry, I’m flattered, but not interested.” She gave him a sarcastic little smirk and turned her attention back to the game.

“I have a business proposal for you,” Meth said moving in so close his bare midriff was touching the soft cotton her blazer’s sleeve. “And since you were busy this morning I thought I’d meet up with you tonight.”

“Yes, but unfortunately Miss Sichael, I’m still busy.”


“Whatever,” she was tempted to take him up on his offer. He was far better looking than the other men she’d been pulling in lately. But his meager clothes said he wasn’t well off and would more than likely be a charity case. His long dark brown hair was pulled back tightly with a higopt, but a few strands had escaped and fell seductively down beside his eye. She wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out to be a woman, his features were so sweet and delicate, but his height and thin build was so masculine. Adi knew what the feeling was welling up inside her. The vapors.

“I’ll wait!” he pouted and sat down on the floor beside her.

“Miss, are you in this hand?” the dealer asked.

“Yes, I mean, in a minute, two minutes. Hold my seat.” Adi stepped over Meth and made her way out the front doors onto the deck of the ship. She needed to get away from Meth. Meth! She even remembered his name! Outside the air was hot and heavy. She held her hair up for a moment to cool herself. She took a higopt from her blazer pocket and put her hair up in a bun.

“Miss Something?” Meth’s voice came from the entrance.

 Adi turned to face him, took a deep breath and swallowed the feelings cropping up inside her. “Yes, Mr. Sichael, what the fuck do you want?”

“Okay, I know you’re super busy and super cool and just an awesome important woman. I want to hire you for a few lessons. That’s all. I have to learn how to play Go Fish. I heard from a friend that you were the best there is.”

Adi laughed. Go Fish wasn’t something that you could teach someone in a few lessons. It wasn’t about luck, you had to know how to read your opponents, be patient, memorize what the other players had asked for, know when to attack, and Adi could at times harness a unique ability reserved usually for a robot, if the angle was just right she could look at someone’s eyes and see the reflection of their cards. That’s what made her the best. That wasn’t a skill you could teach. She was faced with a dilemma she had to keep stringing Meth along or he might give up and leave before she had the chance to fuck him, but she did not want to waste time teaching him Go Fish.

“Let me get this straight. You want me to teach you Go Fish?”

Meth straightened his back, “Yes, ma’am!”

“No, not interested.” Adi look Meth in the eyes, adjusted the cuffs of her shirt.

“Please!” Meth collapsed and clutched Adi’s feet.

She didn’t need this kind of distraction. Time to end it. “Fine, damn. You go on home and tomorrow at two come on back to the ship and up to my room. I’ll give you a lesson then.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Now, if you will excuse me,” she said and made her way back into the gaming room.

“Good talk. We will hammer out the details tomorrow.”

He sure was a persistent fella, Adi thought as she went back to the table.


Meth was unsure of what to do next. He hated begging and being a whiney little bitch. This Adi woman got him though – just being around her made his heart race. He stood at the top of the escalator. He took one last look into the gaming room for Adi. He didn’t see her. But a corkboard on the wall caught his eye. He walked to it. Among other things there was a ship schedule for the Ophiuchus Five. He looked closer. According to it the ship would be in Ashland the next day at two. The vapors that’d been growing dissipated. She’d tried to fool him. She knew the trip from Huntington to Ashland was one of the most dangerous. He looked at the rest of the list at the other stops. Last on the list was Cincinnati. Below Cincinnati it said:

The Mid-West 11th Annual Go Fish Tournament – $500,000 entry fee - winner takes all $58,000,000 ------ NO ROBOTS ------.

He reread the last dollar figure. Fifty-eight, interesting, he thought. “I wonder?” he said and began counting the zeros.

Ten minutes thirty-three seconds later…

“That’s fifty-eight million dollars! What a perfect coincidence that is the exact amount of money I need to pay off the pirate.” Meth paused a moment to think about what life would be like with fifty-eight million dollars of his own. His meager allowance from his daddy barely paid for of his hobbies and prostitutes. He couldn’t abandon the old man though. If he could win the tournament he could pay off the pirate and at the very least keep things the same. He felt a sense of pride in knowing that if he had the money he would save his daddy. Here was his chance. Sweet coincidence had smiled on him and he would succeed.

It was the middle of the night, but everyone at home would be awake. He could talk to Aunt Marble tell her that he was going on a field trip or something, say bye to his daddy and get back the ship before it left.





















Chapter Three


The Ophiuchus Five had gone about twenty miles downstream to another little small town. Adi stood on the deck to watch another group of locals come piling onto the ship. The night before she’d played nearly until dawn. She hadn’t found anyone to have sex with afterward either, so she was unable to sleep until she took care of herself and that nap lasted only a few hours. The day had been uneventful too, besides sitting around her room fighting off the visions and demons from the past that haunted her mind. Now with the sun setting she stalked her prey at the tables and for the bedroom as they rode the escalator up to the deck. Down at the bottom she saw a familiar face riding up, with a big stupid grin on her face.

Zoot Raycroft stepped right off the escalator and approached her.

“Well tickle my taint if it isn’t Adi Husayn!” Zoot said extending her hand.

Adi shook her hand, “Howdy there Zoot,” she said.

“How is my star pupil this fine evening?”

“Oh, I’m fucking great, making my way down the river to the tournament.”

“Been getting any sleep? Still seeing things?”

“No Zoot, been feeling great. Enough of this, let’s play some cards. After you,” Adi pulled the door open for Zoot and let her in first. They stood beside each other and looked the room over like two robotic dragon-hawks. “I’ll be over there. I trust you’ll keep your distance. I’d hate to embarrass you.”

Zoot chuckled at Adi, “I’ll give you some space for now. You know we’ll meet up eventually though.”

Adi found herself at a table three women and two men. She lost the first two games on purpose. Now it was time to get serious. The game started at $10,000 each, then $25,000. Now this hand was $50,000 each. This was the second biggest hand she’d played in since she boarded the ship. The boy who’d won the first two hands had more tells than Aesop. The game was winding down now. Adi could see that she had more sets than everyone and only two cards left – both kings. The boy had a handful of cards and he was her only threat and he was making moves. He completed two sets in a row and was taking his time looking around the table. She knew he had three Jacks and two sevens still remaining in his hand. If she didn’t end the game next he’d have a shot at over taking her.

“Do you have any sevens?” he asked Adi.

“No, go fish.”

There were only three cards left in the pile and she watched him take the card up slowly and slide it in with his other cards. It was a king. This was it. The man to her left had a king, she hadn’t been able to see it, but he had been rubbing his chin all game, which is exactly what he’d done during a previous game when he had a set of kings.

“Do you have any kings?” she asked the man beside her.

“Yes I do,” he said and handed her the king of spades.

Adi slid the card in between her other two kings and fiddled around with her deck a bit more.

“Here is your orange juice, Ms. Something.”

That voice. It was Meth Sichael. She had hoped she’d see him again, but not so soon. That man did something to her. And when it came to playing cards she didn’t need this kind of distraction.

“What are you doing here?”

Meth gave her a childish grin, “You thought you’d tricked me! Ha! In your face! I’m working here now. Teach me Go Fish.”

The dealer was a no nonsense type of guy, typically it was the novices holding up the games, but Adi found herself totally choked up with the vapors.

“Adi, it’s still your turn.”

Adi turned back, “Yes, Frank, sorry.”

She turned back to tell Meth to go away, but he was already gone. She watched his nice firm butt bouncing in his little shorts.

These feelings would see her lose her way right out of the tournament. She looked up slowly from her cards and fixed her eyes on the boy. Was he the one that had the king? Or was it the other boy with the blond hair? She looked at them both. It was him.

“Do you have any kings?”

He looked at his cards and flipped through them slowly before reaching in and sliding the king of hearts over to her. Oh the sweet significance of her waiting for the king of hearts and finally finding it. She picked it up, put it with the other kings and set them out in front of her.

The dealer took the cards from her and looked them over. “We have a winner,” he said.

A couple players clapped and the dealer pushed the chips over to her. Adi snatched them up and began stuffing them in her pockets.

“Wait you can’t leave,” said the boy she’d taken the last card from, “That’s straight fucked up.”

“Sorry folks, I’ll be back tomorrow and you’ll have a shot then. But I have important matters of love—I mean business. Love business—I mean, just business to attend to.”

Adi rushed off to the bar where the bartender was placing drinks on Meth’s tray. She took the tray out of his hand and handed to the waitress beside him. “Alexa, be a sweetheart and deliver these for Miss Sichael.”


Adi ran her hand down the front or Meth’s short shorts and grabbed his penis and pulled him out to the deck. Meth squealed the whole way from the pain and excitement. Adi couldn’t help but be impressed with the quickness Meth became hard as hard as petrified unobtainium.

“Guess you won’t be calling me Miss anymore,” Meth said when Adi released him and pushed him against the wall outside.

“Why are you bothering me?” Adi asked searching his big blue eyes.

“Because I want to learn Go Fish and I want to learn from the best. I thought if I took a job on the ship I could work around your schedule.”

Adi was interested in teaching this man something, it wasn’t cards though. “Listen, I can’t just teach you to play in just days or weeks. I spent years learning the game.”

“I’m a fast learner.”

“This is nonsense.”

“Aw, are you afraid I’ll beat you?” Meth said grinning.

“No, I’m afraid you’ll freak everyone out cause all they’ll be doing is trying to figure out what you are. Is it a man or a woman, is it a Taco Larry?”

“You just found out that I’m no Taco Larry!” Meth said and giggled at her and sucked on his bottom lip suggestively.

Adi watched him pull his lip into his mouth and watched it slowly ease out from between his perfect teeth.

“Ms. Something!”

“Huh?” Adi took a few steps back from him. She was getting wet.

“I will pay you to teach me. And I once I learn from you I will stay away from you as much as possible. I just need the money from the big tournament in Cincinnati and I’ll be out of your life.”

“How much do you have now?”

“Nothing, but—.”

“But what? You have no money.”

“I’ll pay you when I win.”

“What a fucking stupid proposition! It’s stupid. You will pay me what you win in a game you have no idea how to play. You realize that I don’t even win every time I play? It’s not like I can give you a few lessons and you’ll be a pro. It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.”

“Please?” Meth said sticking out his bottom lip.

“No,” Adi said, “Find someone else. I’m not going to help you.” She left him there and went back into the gaming room.


Meth watched Adi’s sweet silhouette disappear into the bright loudness of the gaming room. The begging wasn’t working. He needed a new approach. At the very least if he had some money he could have some kind base to bargain from. It was such an idiotic idea to say that he’d pay her with the winnings. He had such bad ideas.

“Hey, Alexa,” Meth said to Alexa Jenkins as she walked towards him. Alexa was a fine looking woman, older though, probably in her late 40s with monstrously large breasts. “I’m coming back in now, sorry about that earlier. I can take care of my tables.”

“Just coming to check on you. I saw Adi drag you out here. She didn’t hurt you did she?”

Meth looked down at his penis, “No, I’m okay. She got me hard, but didn’t finish me off is all. I hate when that happens.”

“Come over here, honey, let’s talk and I’ll take care of that for you.”

The two walked over to the rail of the deck and Alexa unbuttoned and let down Meth’s pants a little and pulled out his hard cock.

“Adi seemed mad at you though, do you know each other?”

“I don’t know her much at all. Just seen her twice in my life. Do you?”

“She is a very mysterious lady. I see people all the time tripping over themselves to be noticed by her. They want her money or her body. Why are you so hung up on her?”

“I want her to teach me,” he paused as an early shock fell over him, warning of an impending ejaculation, “how to play Go Fish.”

“She’s after the same thing, money and someone to take back to her room. I doubt she’d help you with that. Is this good?”

Alexa was giving a supremely good hand job.

“Oh yeah, you’re really good at this. Better than most guys, even.” This wasn’t the first time Meth had been touched by a woman, it was the sixth time. His family would flip out if they knew in the span of five minutes two women had had their hands around his manhood. “And you’re right. She refuses to help me. If I only had some money I could pay her. I’m not doing that well on the tips so far. Only like $25.”

“I’m saying this as a friend now. If you want to make some real tips you have to change your looks. Let that hair down, put on a dress, I can let you borrow a bra and we’ll stuff it, we’ll have to tape down this hog of yours too. You have a great body. But let’s be honest the ships attract a certain type of people. You are serving mostly men and women who like women here and they don’t want to see a man who looks like a prostitute. They want to see a woman who looks like a prostitute.”

Meth held on to the column beside him and wrapped his other arm around Alexa’s waist as he ejaculated vigorously into the water below. Even with the buzz of the hoverboards holding up the ship he could hear the plops as it hit the water.

“Thanks, goddamn,” he exhaled heavily. “Okay, but I’ve never dressed like a woman before. I’m not that kind of guy.”

“It’s up to you. Do you want to make some money or not?”

It worried him to take this kind of step away from being a man to being a woman. What if he liked it? What if this altered his outlook and he’d go and change into a Taco Larry? This was Meth’s only shot at saving his daddy. He needed to take every opportunity.

“I do, but I need your help.”

“Let Alexa fix you up.”


Meth stepped carefully into the gaming room. He had never worn heels before and wasn’t very sure footed even though Alexa had tried to give him pointers – keep good posture and concentrate on your steps. The makeup on his face felt weird and his eyelashes were heavy. He was worried his penchant for heavy perspiration would cause the make up to run down his face. With every step he could feel the tug from the tape holding his penis to his inner thigh. Alexa said he’d be the most beautiful girl at the ball and as he stepped across the room he felt like it. He made it to the bar and stood beside Alexa, waiting for a call from a table. It came seconds after he arrived. A red light flashed on the wall showing which table was requesting service.

“No need to wait, go get ’em, Meth.”

 He made it to the table and could see that it was Adi needing something. She was holding her glass up. Meth took it from her hand.

“Hey sugar, get me an orange juice,” Adi said and turned to look at the waitress. “Damn it! Motherfucker! What are you? Ah.” Adi grabbed Meth by the hand and began pulling him towards the back door.

“Well I do declare,” blurted Meth.

Adi took her jacket off and draped it over Meth’s shoulders, covering his heaving faux double Ds. “Get your own damn clothes on. What’s wrong with you, boy?”

“Just trying to earn some cash, you know how it is, one girl to another,” Meth said and threw the jacket back to Adi.

“Don’t do it like this…”

“The nerve! You’re not my husband, or boyfriend, you’re not my daddy. You won’t help me and yet you take it personal when I try to improve myself. I need money and I plan on taking any means necessary to get it. Now, if you would excuse me, Ms. Something.” Meth was shocked he’d been so brazen to Adi. She still intimidated him, but if acting this way was getting her attention he’d need to keep it up. He made a sharp turn on the ball of his foot and took a step toward the door.

Adi grabbed him by the arm as he stepped away and spun him back into her arms. Meth melted into her and with his arm now against her soft breasts he thought back to when he’d first met and the image of those perfect boobs filled his mind. The vapors burned through his body.

Their lips inched toward each other. Adi licked Meth’s lips. Meth licked her lips. They licked each other’s tongues. Adi took the glass from Meth’s hand and tossed it over the rail into the river.

“I can give you all the money you need.”

Adi ran her hand up the back of Meth’s leg and pulled up his dress. A lustful moan escaped his lips. Adi continued up his leg until she could feel his silk panties. She moved them over and slid a finger into his anus.

“Come stay with me tonight,” Adi said.

Meth pulled away from her and got tripped up because Adi had a finger inside him and fell to the floor. “I’m not a prostitute!” Meth stood up and adjusted his skirt and bra. “Now leave me be! Unless you want to teach me Go Fish!” Meth shouted and stepped back into the ship.


Adi let him go. The moment they’d just shared, with him in her arms replayed in her mind. He wasn’t like the other men she’d met. There was something about him that just got her all worked up with the vapors. Adi picked her blazer off the ground and shook it and brushed a few specks of nonexistent dust off the sleeve. Part of her wanted Meth to drop the whole wanting-to-learn-go-fish routine. He had no place on a ship like this. He was too sweet and innocent for this life. Her mind replayed the kiss and tongue slopping that’d happened. It made her face heat just replaying it.

“Damn these vapors,” she said and waved her hand in front of her face.


Meth was back at the bar to get the orange juice Adi had ordered. He knew she was back at her table because a man there was letting her have it for leaving during a hand and that they wouldn’t wait for her again if she left.

“Your orange juice, ma’am,” Meth said

Adi was surprised to see Meth so soon. “Thanks, sugar,” she said and patted him on the butt. “Just set it down right here.” Adi pointed to a spot beside her.

Meth had to lean in close beside her to get to the spot.

“Such a nice ass,” Adi said and shoved her fingers into his butt crack as he leaned over to place her glass down.

Meth reacted with a jump and came back from leaning over and dumped the juice onto Adi’s chest. People at the table cracked up and a few scrambled to get out of the way. Meth pulled his heels off and ran out the back and down to the room he was sharing with nine other waitresses. He stopped when he reached his room. No one was around so he paused and leaned against the rail and looked down into the water. It was another hot night and the further he leaned from the ship he could feel a nice breeze.

“What the fuck am I going to do,” he said and spat into the river below.

“Meth Sichael?” a woman’s voice called out to him through the darkness.

“Fuck!” Meth said and dug into his fanny pack looking for his room key.

“My name is Zoot Raycroft. I saw you get the best of my old friend, Adi,” Zoot laughed. “Very good work. I’ve never seen anyone humble her like you just did. Sorry to follow you like this, but I just had to meet you.”

Meth turned around and leaned back against the rail. He offered Zoot his hand, “Meth Sichael, Ms. Raycroft. Do you think she’s real mad at me?”

Zoot wore a white and blue gingham shirt tucked into pleated khakis.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about her. She needs a man who’ll stand up to her. You two look like a great couple.”

Meth’s face heated up, “Fuck, the vapors,” he whispered hoping Zoot wouldn’t hear. “We aren’t a couple ma’am.”

Zoot smiled widely and her diamond grill glistened in the moonlight. She was the type of woman who had aged well or had a good plastic surgeon. “Could have fooled me.”

“How do you and Adi know each other? She seems like such a lone wolf pack.”

“Met her on a boat just like this one many years ago. She sat down at my table, hot as heck and played some Go Fish. Funny thing was she didn’t know how. Didn’t even know much about cards. I tried to be a gentlewoman and suggest she try the slots or roulette, but she wouldn’t quit.”

“How’d she do?”

“Lost everything,” Zoot said and laughed. “But we were the last two at the table so I stuck around and gave her a few lessons. She was a quick learner, cards came natural to her. She has ability other people don’t.”

“I’ve tried to get her to give me lessons. But she’s so stubborn. If I paid you would you give me some lessons?”

“Why do you want to get mixed up in this life?”

He thought about telling her about the blackmailing pirate. Maybe this would buy sympathy from her and she’d give him some free lessons. This was too risky, though. Zoot would want to know what the blackmailer had on him and if he told her and she ended up being a robot it would all be over. “Just need some cash. The family business was destroyed during the war and we are just having a lot of problems.”

“Lot of people like you, you know?”

“We need a lot of money.”

“Then you need the best to teach you.”

Meth had her, “Thank you, thank you Ms. Raycroft. You are a lifesaver.”

“I can’t teach you, honey.”

“But you said I need the best and you have to be a good teacher since you taught the best Go Fish player how to play!” Meth’s eyes teared over.

“That sounds easy doesn’t it? That I’d just teach you and after a few days I could send you out to the cheap tables and let you get in some real playing time. I don’t have much to do. I’m just here because I’ve been riding these gambling ships my whole life and going to take one last shot at the tourney in Cincy. If I did that then it’d mess up the love story brewing between you and Adi. I can’t stand in the way of love. I can’t and I won’t. But I will speak to Adi, see what I can do.”

Meth was so confused, if Zoot would give him the lessons he could get on with his life. She was going to help though and speak to Adi. That was an angle he hadn’t had before. “Thanks,” Meth said, “If you’ll excuse me.” He went into his room and closed the door.

Alexa had seen the two talking and eased up beside Zoot who was laughing. “What?”

“I think Adi’s in trouble with that boy. I’m thinking L-O-V-E.”

Alexa chuckled, “Him? Nah. Adi’s never went after a sweet guy. She likes the pricks.”

Zoot watched Alexa as she peered out into the dark. They’d known each other for years. Been everything from enemies to lovers. They’d grown old on the water and now were both alone.

“I think they’re good for each other,” Zoot said.

“I tell you I got this boy’s back. If Adi tries to hurt him, and I mean hurt his feelings, hurt his heart, I’ll make her pay. That boy is out here trying to scratch out a niche and I’m not going to let Adi ruin him. Adi doesn’t know how to be civil to a good man.”

“Yeah. I hear you. I disagree. They’re perfect for each other,” Zoot was pulling for Adi. She hoped Adi could find love, again.

Alexa turned around to face her door. “I’m going to go check on him.”

“That’s a good idea. Bonsoir, Miss Jenkins,” Zoot said taking Alexa’s hand and kissing it softly.

“Bonsoir, Miss Raycroft.”

Zoot stood outside her door for a few more minutes and thought about all those two had been through together. All the years. All the wars. And they are still riding the gambling ships and scraping by alone.


* A man who has completed all the steps of gender reassignment.

* The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.

* Hair band.

* Wallet.


© Copyright 2019 Derik Taylor. All rights reserved.


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