A womans journey through hell

A womans journey through hell

Status: Finished

Genre: Romance

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Romance

Summary

I didn't know what else to do. He was beating me but I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I had a child to provide for and he gave me the means to do that. I paid with my blood, sweat, tears, and my body to provide for my child. But i chose this life whatever happens next falls on me...doesn't it?

Summary

I didn't know what else to do. He was beating me but I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I had a child to provide for and he gave me the means to do that. I paid with my blood, sweat, tears, and my body to provide for my child. But i chose this life whatever happens next falls on me...doesn't it?

Chapter1 (v.1) - Chapter 1

Author Chapter Note

I didn't know what else to do. He was beating me but I didn't have anyone else to turn to. I had a child to provide for and he gave me the means to do that. I paid with my blood, sweat, tears, and my body to provide for my child. But i chose this life whatever happens next falls on me...doesn't it?

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: November 25, 2012

Reads: 361

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: November 25, 2012

A A A

A A A

Chapter 1

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How did things come to this? How did my life end up like a Lifetime movie of the week? One look at my body made me feel disgusting, used, and marked. I was his property but I wasn’t a battered wife, I was barely a battered girlfriend, for I didn’t have the legal rights or emotional attachment of either. I was more like his roommate. I didn’t have a job so he took the payment for my rent and everything else out on my body. I had started out as his girlfriend but when I tried to leave he had made it very clear that I wasn’t allowed to, I didn’t have a choice in the matter, I had a child to consider I didn’t have any other options. She needed a place to live and a shelter wasn’t my idea of living. I took a deep breath before I turned my head up to look into the mirror. My heart throbbing as I did so.

I stared into the mirror feeling small as possible. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and went to work of cleaning and disinfecting the bruises and scrapes on the majority of my face. The salt of my own tears were causing the gashes on my cheeks to burn. I’ve lost count the number of tears that I’ve cried over seeing new bruises and marks on my body. I washed my face as delicately as I could but it didn’t stop the pain, in fact in seemed to increase in some way. I let the water drip off my nose as I stared into the pool of blood in my sink as I started to think about why this had happened.

I remembered it like yesterday. We had only been together four months and everything had been going fine, not perfect, but fine. We had been play fighting when I had accidentally hit him in the face with my elbow. I apologized quickly but the damage had been done. He quickly pushed me off his body and slammed me into the floor, slapping my face in the process. "Don’t you ever hit me again, whore! You don’t know how good you’ve got it. No other guy would deal with you. The brats not even mine." He spat at me as he walked away. I had laid there and thought he was right. What man would want to deal with a single mother of a three year old. I wrapped my arms around myself and cried.

That had been the beginning of a long, fast, downward spiral. After that I was used as a punching bag whenever he was angry, which was pretty often. Anything that bothered him ended up bothering me in the end. He released his anger and fear of the world out on me. I just had to deal with it. I felt like I was stuck in a black hole with no thought of rescue or escape. It was like being in prison except I had to cook and clean for someone else.

Everyday I had to explain why mommy had gotten a new bruise. My daughter would just nod and kiss my pain away. "Awwl bet-er." She would say and hug me tightly as I would fight the tears burning in my eyes. You don’t know how much it hurts to tell a lie until you tell it to your own flesh and blood. The flesh and blood you’ve sworn to protect and yet you can’t even protect yourself. I know on some level though that I am protecting her. Without this there would be nothing. And he would never allow us to leave...Correction. He wouldn’t allow me to leave. He would give my daughter to her father and gladly take me away somewhere. Of this I am certain. A part of me is surprised he hasn’t done so already.

I keep telling myself that I was doing this for her. It made taking every blow a little bit easier, not much but a bit. So she would have a home and toys and all the things that I couldn’t give her. Jeremy had the means to provide for my own child when I could not, that stung in more than any fist could. I felt like I was failing as a mother and I didn’t know how to improve. My own mother wasn’t around to show me, but she would tell me, "You’re a big girl, figure it out".

Logic would say that she needed to be with her father but he wasn’t on his feet either. We both were only twenty-four with no education or anyone to turn to. He was raised by his grandmother but her health was failing. That was part of the reason that Anton was reluctant to move out, even if he had the means to. He was the only one left to take care of her. My own mother had died when, Shayla, my daughter, had just turned one. That had shattered me in more ways than I thought that it would. I started to shut down from Anton and Shayla, turning to drugs and alcohol more than I ever had in my life.

After that Shayla’s father, Anton, and I were on the outs. It didn’t help that I had cheated on him with two of his friends. I don’t know why, I guess I was just trying to make the pain go away when nothing else was working. My mom had been my everything and without her it felt like I had no one left on my side. If I was in a major hole my mother was the first one to tell me what an asshole I was and then try to help me. I didn’t have that anymore. I didn’t know how to survive without her.

I shook my head to make myself stop thinking about it. I found my sunglasses and my keys before leaving to make the ten minute drive to Antons’ place. Shayla had spent the night with him. Something she did once a week. I knew Ant wanted more but I couldn’t make this trip everyday. These one week outings for Shayla were the absolute worst for me. I didn’t know how to handle him on my own. At least when Shayla is around he restrains himself, somewhat. It was a chance to inflict more pain on me and listen to me really scream. He had me all to himself and the walls of the apartment where basically sound proof, no one could hear my cry for help, although I had stopped yelling for help ages ago. It was on these days that my heart would stay in my throat for the whole day, never knowing when the cobra is going to strike and permanently bring me down.

I was dreading coming face to face with Anton, I didn’t know what he would say or if he would notice at all. The abuse had been going on for about three months now but Ant hadn’t seen the bruises, Jeremy had tended to stay where my clothes covered them. This time though he was brutal. As I was driving something occurred to me that I should have put make-up on to protect myself from Anton’s prying eyes, but one look at my face told me that make- up wasn’t something that was going to help me.

I pulled up to Antons house and him and Shayla were sitting on the porch, sitting on her daddy’s lap. They had their heads together whispering to each other and it brought a twinge to my heart. We weren’t a family anymore. Why? Because I had fucked up. Story of my life. This man was the father of my child but I would never call him my "Baby Daddy" that term didn’t suit him in the slightest. He was the love of my life, it was my fault I had just thrown that all away.

I turned off the car before pulling up my hood and putting on my huge sunglasses. As soon as I got out of the car I could hear Shayla yelling. "Mommy, mommy!" I smiled and opened my arms as she ran to me. I scooped her up and kissed her cheek as I asked her how her night was. She stared telling me all about her night with her daddy when I caught his eyes, even behind my shades I would feel the weight of his gaze. He gave me a small smile and I returned it. I was still in love with him but I knew I had done enough damage that he wouldn’t take me back. I think after what I’ve been through no man would want me. I was also marked and broken not a winning combination for catching any man let alone a man who’s life you tore into pieces by your infidelity.

Shayla was still jabbering on and I finally looked down at my gorgeous little girl. She had curly brown hair, brown eyes, and because I was white and her father was black Shayla had a permanent tan that any woman would be jealous of. She was the light of our lives. The only piece in this mess that I was fighting for even if she didn’t know of anything that was going on. She retained her innocence and it was the only thing that was able to make me smile at such a dark time in my life.

I nodded at her words and gave her one last kiss. "Hunny, mommy has to talk to daddy for a second, ok? I’m gonna put you in your booster seat." I strapped her into the back seat, gave her a kiss on her forehead, and went up the steps to talk to my former love. "I need a favor." I said, not able to look at him. "I need an eight of weed and two grams of coke." I said fisting my hands into my pockets. I hung my head and chewed on my lip feeling uncomfortable. This wasn’t the first time that I had come to Anton asking for drugs. I didn’t use around my daughter, but the drugs were my lifeline. They made me forget about how horrible things were for a little while at least.

"Do you?" Lemme guess you don’t have any money do you?" He said sarcastically. "What the strip club ain’t payin’ you enough?"

"I quit. Jeremy didn’t like me working there." The lie rolled off my tongue easily. I had been a dancer but I couldn’t show my body in the state that it was in and Jeremy was less than thrilled about dating a dancer. One of the other reasons why I had quit, or was forced to quit you could say.

"Yeah well no man like his woman showin’ her goodies to strangers or his friends for that matter." He kept throwing that back in my face whenever he could. I know he would never forget it but I didn’t need it in my head every time I spoke to him. I shook my head and sighed. "I got what you need. I’ll just take it out of my child support payment." He scoffed and went in side to weigh everything out. I crossed my arms across my chest and waited for him to finish.

Since the incident Anton always made sure that his words were meant to hurt me. And I could tell that on some level he could tell that they did. Things between me and Anton were difficult but I knew it was because everything was still fresh even though it happened more than a year ago. I understood, it was still fresh in my head. We had been the perfect couple, well not perfect, every relationship has it’s problems, but we were supposed to have been able to make it. I had just fucked up the plan. I had destroyed our family to such a state that we would never be the same as we were again. If it hadn’t been for Shayla I don’t think he ever would have wanted to talk to me again.

He came out a few minutes later and handed me two baggies. I took them without looking at him. I thanked him and went to walk away until he grabbed my wrist causing me to flinch. Jeremy had tied me up last night for hours, so the bruises there were so dark they were almost black. He had wanted me still while he wreaked his own form of havoc and torture on my body. His favorite instrument was a long thin six inch scalpel like knife that cut my skin like butter and didn’t leave any marks. "Don’t get used to me giving you hand outs. You may be the mother of my child but you’re a customer just like everyone else." He took my chin in his hand and turned my face towards him. I felt a tremble of fear go through my body. Anton may hate me but I knew how he was. He didn’t tolerate a man hittin’ on their woman, any woman. I knew he could see the faint bruises around my sunglasses and the cut on my lower lip and cheeks. I could imagine what his face would look like if he saw my whole body. "What the fuck happened to you?" He cursed out, going for my sunglasses.

I jerked away violently and felt the tears welling up in my eyes. "I fell down the stairs." The lie even sounded weak to me. I hung my head but before I could react he ripped my sunglasses off my face. I tried to cover my face with my hands but he stopped me. I held my arms out and tried to keep him away from me.

"He did this to you?" He said through clenched teeth.

"No! I fell." I said trying to make excuses. "I have to go. I have to get home!" I pulled away but he kept a tight grip around my wrist. He was hurting me but I would never tell him he was or to stop. I was too well trained to know to ever say no or stop. Those words would guarantee me a blow to my body or my face, I learned quickly never to use them.

"You’re going to go back there? Are you really that stupid, Delia. Jesus! He’s going to kill you!" He pulled me closer to inspect my face before I could see a thought flash across his eyes. "Is he hittin’ Shayla too?" I could see the blood beginning to boil in his veins.

"No! Of course not! I would leave if he was!" I shouted taking my shades back and pushing them onto my face. And it was the truth Jeremy hadn’t lain one hand on Shayla, I was his special project. Thank god...

"Would leave? Why haven’t you left already?"

"Because there’s no where else to go!" I shouted my tears finally falling down my cheeks. "If I don’t put up with this then I don’t have a home, your daughter doesn’t have a home. If you haven’t noticed I am completely alone. There’s no one that’s goin’ to put up me and Shayla. I’m doin’ what I have to do." I kept making excuses for taking Jeremy’s abuse but it was true that I had no where to go. I was an only child and the only girlfriend I had, had moved to florida just six months ago.

"You could move in here for a while. I know Grams would love seein’ her cheery face every morning." I could see it in his eyes that it hurt him to say that but he hid it well. The only reason I picked up on it is because I knew every tick this man had. The whole world could see him laughing and I would be the only one to see the true emotion raging on the inside. I was the only one who knew him and I hoped that I would be the only one. So far he hadn’t let another woman come as close to him as I got. I think he was afraid to open up his heart again.

I shook my head. "No." I said firmly. "It’s one thing to get beat on it’s another to get beat on by sheer silence and looks. Havin’ to wonder what every look means when you do look at me. That would hurt far worse than any beatin’ I would get." I shook my head again and went around the car to the drivers side. I slipped in and started the ignition, this time fighting to see through my tears.

I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to see the thoughts going through his mind. The things he probably wanted to say to me but I didn’t give him a chance to. We had split a year and a half ago, after that there was nothing left to say. I’m the one who broke us but it was impossible to put the pieces back together. There was no way to even begin that process let alone actually go through with it and figure out the solution.

When Shayla and I got back to the apartment we shared with Jeremy my tears were gone. Jay was nowhere to be seen, which I was grateful for. I told my little girl to go and play in her room while I started to make us dinner.

Only when she was gone did I take off my shades, blinking against the light. I went to the back porch and rolled a joint from what Ant had given me. After it was rolled I went back to the kitchen and put the chicken I’d already prepped into the oven. It would be an hour before it was ready so I went to the porch to smoke the joint I had just rolled from the shit I had gotten from Anton.

I knew Jeremy would be back soon but I didn’t want to think what was going to happen. Shayla was back so I knew that would hopefully stop him from hitting me any where he wanted. Hopefully he would wait until later when we were in our bedroom. He could inflict as much pain on me as he wanted as long as Shayla wasn’t exposed to what was happening to me. She was still innocent and she would remain that way. Even if it killed me...

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