spoof about past jobs I've obtained

Fade up from gray to an XLS of a gas station and a car pulling up to a pump.  A young girl walks out of the booth.

Cut to an over the shoulder MS of the passenger.  Passenger says, “filler up please.”  Girl turns towards the camera to get the nozzle.  The roaring sound of a motorcycle is heard.

Pan R. to a guy putting gas in his motorcycle.

Cut to a MS of the girl eyeing the guy.

Cut to a MS of the guy eyeing the girl.

Cut to an XCU of the girl’s lips.  She licks them.

Cut to an XCU of the guys’ nose and mouth.  He licks his lips and picks his nose.

Cut to a LS of the girl still flirting with the guy in the foreground.  In the background, three guys are walking out of the booth with a safe and bags of money.

Cut to a LS of the guy still flirting with the girl in the foreground.  In the background, a guy is ripping a soda machine out of the ground.

Cut to an XCU of the nozzle in the gas tank and the girl pulls the pump out and puts the gas cap on.  The car drives off.

Cut to an XCU of the nozzle in the motorcycle.  The guy pulls it out and the cameral follows his hand as he puts the nozzle back.

Cut to an XCU of the girl’s eyes.  She raises her eyebrows.

Cut to a LS of the guy taking off on his motorcycle.  He blows her a kiss.

Cut to a MCU of the girl catching the kiss and patting her cheek in awe.

Zoom out to a LS of the girl standing in awe in the foreground.  In the background, men are pulling the pumps out of the ground.

Fade to black.  Bring up words going across the screen, which say, “One hour later.”

Fade up from gray to a MLS of the guy standing behind the counter and an old lady standing in front of the counter.  The guy says, “Hi.  How can I help you?”  The old lady said, “Yes, young man.  My grandson just got a new computer and he needs a printer.”  The guy says, “Oh, mame.  What kind of computer does he have?”

“A Macintosh.”

“Ok.  Just follow me.”

He walks around the counter and the camera follows.  In the background, there is a stained-glass door.  Behind the stained glass door is the image of a woman taking a shower.  The camera stops at the scene and dollies towards it.  A girl with head sets jumps in front of the camera and the camera stops.  Then, it tilts down to her breasts.  She bends down with her eyes in front of the camera.  As she speaks, she slowly stands up and the camera tilts up with her.  She says, “Harold!  The actors are over there!”  She points in their direction and the camera swish pans to the guy and old lady.  The guy raises both of his arms and hits the old lady in the face.  She falls down.

VW to a MCU of a guy sitting in a car.  He says, “Excuse me, Miss!  Where are the pumps?”

Cut to a MS of her face over the car roof.  She looks up and looks baffled.

Cut to a LS of the gas station.  There are no pumps.

Cut to a LS of the electronics store.  Sparks are coming out of the computers.  People begin to run out frantically. 

Cut to an XLS outside of the shop.  People are running out.  Sparks are flying out of the store.  Some of the people have guns.  Some are in their underwear.

Dissolve to an XCU of the girl’s open mouth.  She is screaming.  Zoom out to an XLS of her in the middle of the gas station with no pumps, screaming.

Bring up credits.

Fade to black.  Bring up words, which say, “The next day.”

Fade up from gray to a LS of an unemployment building.

Cut to a MLS of a girl at the end of a long line.  Pan L following the entire line.  Stop at the lead talent.  A winy voice fades up from the background, “Next!  He walks forward.

Cut to a MLS of two guys sitting down.  Talent e1 says, “Man, I’ve been here for six hours already!  How long is this thing going to take?”

Talent 2 says, “I wish they’d get more magazines in here.”  He picks up a magazine.  This one I have already read six times.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Seven years.”

“SEVEN YEARS!”

“Yea, I’m pretty new here.”

“NEW!”

“Yeap.  Most people have been here longer.  Like those two guys over there.”  He points.  The camera swish pans to two old men with long hair and gray beards starring blankly into space.  The camera swish pans back to talents 1 and 2.  Talent 2 says, “How long do you think they have been here?”  Talent 1 looks frightened.

Cut to an over the shoulder LS of the main talent at the counter.  The winy lady says, “Ok, Mr. Greenberg.  Your check will be in the mail.  Next!”  Mr. Greenberg turns around as female lead is walking towards the counter.  They both stop.

Arc to a side view as they kiss.  A naked woman stands in front of them and says, “I’m sorry, but you can’t do that in here.This is not a hotel.”  She walks off.

The camera follows the two as they walk out of the building holding hands.  Female talent says, “What’s your name?”  Male talent says, “Jim.  What’s yours?”

“Allison.”  They walk out.

Fade to black.  Bring up words, which read:  “And after sex, they decided to go out on a first date.”

Cut to a LS of the golden arches of a McDonald’s restaurant.

Cut to a MS of the two talents sitting inside the McDonalds.  Allison says, “Wow!  This is a really classy place.  I don’t know how you can afford to bring me here.”

Cut to a MCU of Jim’s face.  He says, “Well, I have managed to pinch and save over the years.  You are very fortunate to be eating with me is such a quaint restaurant, as this one.  With my last girlfriend, I was extremely poor.  I took her to a soup kitchen on our first date.  She never returned my calls after that.  I figured that perhaps she didn’t like the soup.”

Cut to a MS of a kid standing behind the counter.  He says, “Welcome to McDonalds.  May I take your order?”

Cut to an over the shoulder MS of the guy pointing a machine gun at him.  He says, “Give me all of your money.”

Cut to an over the shoulder MS of the kid pulling out a little pocketknife.  He says, “Why don’t you give me all of your money.”  The man drops the gun, puts his hands up in the air, and says, “Don’t stab!  Don’t stab!”

Zoom out to LS of the kid standing on the counter.  He says, “Listen up, everyone, this is a hold up.”

Cut to an XLS of the entire front restaurant, where you can still see the kid standing on the counter with the knife.  The man is still standing there with his hands in the air.  Other than that, the entire front entrance is empty.  The kid says, “I want everyone to drop their wallets and purses on the floor, and kick them towards me.”

Cut to a MLS of the both talents.  The guy is holding his wallet towards the kid, shaking tremendously.  He says, “Here, man.  Take it.  Just please don’t kill me.”

Cut to a MS of the kid standing behind the counter.  Jim comes up from behind, and pulls him in the back of the counter.

Cut to a MCU of the man’s face, as you hear punches going on in the background.  The man is bobbing his head back and forth to the sounds of the punches.  The sounds stop, and the man says, “Thanks, man.  You saved my life.”

Cut to a MCU of Jim.  His nose is bleeding.  His hair is all messed up, and he has two black eyes.  He says, “Don’t mention it.”

Cut to a LS of the entranceway, where police run in. 

Cut to a ms of two officers arresting the McDonald’s employee. 

Cut to a MLS of another officer with the man.  The cop is holding the man’s machine gun.  He says, “Is this your gun, Sir?”  The man says, “Yes.”  The cop hands it to him and says, “Make sure it doesn’t get in the hands of the wrong person.”

Fade up from gray to a ls of a park.  Two flashy dressed women walk towards each other with their arms out. 

“Donna!”  Screams one lady very loud.

“Suzette,” Says the other lady, with a surprised look on her face.

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Oh my God!”  They hug and kiss the air on each cheek.  “You look wonderful!”

“Oh, thank you!”

They walk away, “I can’t believe that it has only been a week since your sex change operation!”

Truck.  An elderly gray haired hunched back woman with a walker travels on a sidewalk.  She approaches a white Porsche where a gorgeous long haired male body builder in his mid twenties is leaning on the hood.  He wears blue jeans with no shirt.  The hunk flexes his muscles and shakes his head, waving his hair around.  “Hello, Mrs. Robinson!”  He says.

“Hello, Benjamin!” 

Truck to a ls of a bench where Allison is reading the script to this movie.  Jim walks up. 

“Allison!” 

“Jim!”

They kiss.  Cut to a ms.

“I got a job,” says Allison.  “I’m a demonstrator in a department store.”

“I got a job too.  I’m delivering pizza.” 

“Oh, Jim.  That’s wonderful! I start tonight, how about you?”

“I also start tonight. You wanna meet afterwards?” 

“Ok.”

They walk off gazing into each other’s eyes.  Truck to a ls of a group of extremely obese men wearing leopard g-strings and tassels on their breasts.  They are dancing to disco music and yelling, “Fifty dollars!”  One swings around a lamp post. 

A woman walks past them.  One of the male prostitutes steps in front of her, rubbing his sagging breasts and says, “Hey, baby!  For only fifty dollars you can have a date with this hot body.”  He turns his back towards her and shakes his butt.  “I can do this all night long, baby!”

The lady looks in her purse and says, “Hmm.  Do you have change for a hundred?”

Dissolve to a ms of a beautiful woman in lingerie standing at a mailbox, twirling her hair, and flirting.  “Hello, Mr. Mailman!”  A hand gives her mail.  “Oh, you make me so wet, Mr. Mailman.”

Truck to another mailbox where a woman in lingerie awaits.  “Ooh, Mr. Mailman!”  A hand gives her mail.  “Oh, this always turns me on.” 

Truck to a woman in lingerie standing at a mailbox, “Oh, Mr. Mailman, it is always such a pleasure to see you.”

Swish pan to the mailman.  He is a little Mexican wearing a large sombrero, a poncho, and a gun belt holding fringed leather pants.  Looking at the camera, he says with a British accent, “Women!  They just love a man in uniform.”  He walks off. 

Zoom out to an xls of a picket line of mail men with signs that say, ‘They took our jobs!’ ‘Go back to your own country!’

Cut to a ms of Jim delivering pizza at a woman’s door. 

Cut to a ms of Allison behind a counter.  She is spreading cheese on crackers. 

“And that is how you make h’ordeurves.”  An applause is heard.  Allison bows.  “Now, let me show you how to use these vibrators.”  She holds up a concrete penis.

“Oh, how interesting,” comes a voice from the background.

“Now, first of all, I would like to demonstrate to you some of our exotic lines of condoms.” She holds up a rubber duck.  “This…”

“Oh, isn’t it cute!”  A voice says in the background, followed by a bunch of awes.

“For example,” continues Allison, “is our rubber ducking condoms.  As you can see, they’re great fun for the whole family.  They can be used for child play in the bathtub, and will also prevent pregnancy and STD’s.”

“Oh, how ingenious!”

“Also, they have a squeaker on the beak,” She squeezes the beak and it quacks.

“Oh, it’s darling!”

Cut to a ls of Jim outside of a house.  A man gives him money.  “Thank you,” says Jim, “Have a nice evening!”

He turns to walk off of the driveway.  Zoom out to a crop duster that Jim gets into.  At the driver’s seat he puts on goggles, a leather pilot’s cap, and a white scarf.  The engine starts.  The camera follows him while he drives. 

Fade up music.  The theme song to Wings is heard.

Cut to an xcu of a wing.

Cut to an xcu of the fin.

Cut to an xcu of the wheels.

Cut to an xcu of the propellers.

Dissolve to a ls of Jim driving down a freeway.  People are driving past him, blaring their horns, giving him the finger, and yelling, “Get out of the way!”  “Up yours!”  “You’re blocking traffic!”

Cut to a ls of an igloo with red and white upward circular stripes painted on the outside, forming the appearance of a candy cane.  There are Christmas lights decorated all around and artificial snow scattered on the ground. 

Cut to an xcu of a long red fingernail pushing a doorbell, which sets off the theme song to The Love Boat. 

Cut to a ls of a woman standing at the door step with a laptop.  Jim answers in a Santa Claus suit.  “Yes.”

“Hi.  I’m from the Census Bureau.  Your address has been randomly selected for one of our surveys.  If you’re not doing anything right now, I would love to interview you and get it over with.  It will only take about twenty minutes of your time, but if you’re busy…”

“No, I’m not doing anything right now.  Come on in.”

Truck following the actors into the house.  The inside is large with elaborately large pastel furniture, large Easter eggs decorated all around, and tall stuffed bunnies.

“Oh, I love how you’ve decorated for Halloween.”

“Thank you,” says Jim.  “I find such a thrill out of scaring people.”  They stop at two oversized red heart shaped chairs.  Jim motions for the woman to sit.  “Please,” he says. 

“Thank you.”

Jim sits and the woman opens her laptop.

“I’m going to read the questions exactly as they appear on the screen.”

“Ok.”

“First I need to get the household composition down.  How many people live here including yourself and any children?”

“I live alone.”

Dissolve to the same scene to show a passing through time.

“How many times per day do you brush your teeth?”

“Usually after each meal, and when I wake up in the morning, so about four.”

“And do you find that your brand of toothpaste makes you go poopies?”

“Oh no, only when I forget to floss.”

“If two cars are traveling at sixty miles per hour in opposite directions, what are the odds that an earthquake will erupt?”

“About seven to one.”

“If a tree falls in an empty forest, does it make a sound?”

“Definitely.  Good news always travels fast.”

“Have you ever fathered a live born child?”

“No, but I gave birth to one once.”

Fade to black.

Fade up from gray to a ls of the igloo.  It’s beginning to get dark outside.

Cut to a ls of Jim and the Census employee still sitting in the red chairs.

“And now I shall show you pictures of people, places, and things.  Please tell me if you recognize anything.”

She holds up a picture of an ice skate.

“Oh, yes,” says Jim.  “I have a razor like that in my bathroom.”

She types something in her laptop and holds up a picture of male bodybuilder.

“Oh, I see you’ve managed to find a picture of my mother.”

She types something in her laptop and then holds up a picture of the Grand Canyon.

“And that looks like Disney World.”

Cut to a ls of the outside of the igloo.  It is now very dark outside.

Cut to a ls of Jim and the Census employee still sitting on the chairs.  The Census woman holds up a jar of m&m’s.  “How many m&m’s are in this jar?”

“Nine hundred fifty three.”