Before I Love, I Must Be Sure.

Before I Love, I Must Be Sure. Before I Love, I Must Be Sure.

Status: Finished

Genre: Fan Fiction


Status: Finished

Genre: Fan Fiction


This story has moments that may offend some readers. I'm Canadian, I can write homosexual stories if I want.


This story has moments that may offend some readers. I'm Canadian, I can write homosexual stories if I want.

Chapter1 (v.1) - Before I Love, I Must Be Sure.

Author Chapter Note

This story has moments that may offend some readers. I'm Canadian, I can write homosexual stories if I want.

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 14, 2010

Reads: 516

Comments: 1

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 14, 2010



Ryan Ross's Point of View One moment. One simple moment can change everything. Like a bullet in the brain, just in one moment. And, a lie is told, all in one moment. And an "I love you" slips from someone's lips. You guessed, it in one moment. In my case, the one moment that changed my whole life was when my lips hit Brendon Urie's.

Yes, the Brendon Urie. As in, lead singer of Panic! at the Disco. And that's where I come in. My name would be George Ryan Ross or Ryan Ross, the lyricist and guitarist of P!ATD. So, you can only imagine the surprise that shot through everyone when I kissed him. When I kissed the only person I'd ever loved. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. I should start from the kiss. That collision of lips. Yes, let me start there. It seems worthy to begin my our story.

Brendon was singing like never before. He seemed to have an energy on stage that he'd been saving all throughout tour. And with it being the final show, he was letting it all spill out. I couldn't keep my eyes off him; I know that's bad to say. I was missing chords, and forgetting to sing back-up because he had me under a spell.

The truth was, Brendon was the only person who made all of this worth it. There were so many times when I'd wanted to quit in my life, but he had always been there to comfort me and make me continue on. I'd be practically nothing without him. I shouldn't have these thoughts, I thought to myself, but, I just...I just love him.. And that's when I knew it. I was far gone by then; nothing anyone could do would change the fact that I loved Brendon Urie. But, I pushed those thoughts away as Brendon introduced our song "Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off". I didn't like to hear Brendon sing that one. I know, I'd written it. But, hearing him talk about some girl made me crazy.

I couldn't focus, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't even think straight. So when Brendon's voice thanked the crowd when the song was over, I didn't even realize that I'd thrown my Les Paul aside, and forced my lips to his. I'd kissed him. I'd done it. The kiss had caused a completely biased crowd. Half of the little fan girls went screaming their heads off, the other half went dead silent, as if trying to figure if we'd actually kissed and why. I pulled farther away from Brendon, whose eyes were staring into my own. He seemed confused and upset with me, but I could see that some of him was trying to decide why he'd liked it.

Stupid tears rose in my eyes, and wiped them away before running off the stage. I burst into more tears as I pushed through the other bands, and other people backstage. I just kept running, hurrying to escape my own desires. But, I wasn't fast enough. The only thing on my mind was the feeling of Brendon's lips on my own, and the fact that he had kissed back. I didn't know why he had kissed me back, and then looked so surprised and confused when I pulled away. He had always been easy to read, when he was happy or upset, but now was different. It seemed he didn't even know himself.

But, did I even know who I was anymore?

I stopped running when my brain processed my need for rest and air. I leaned against a building, the back of the stage, I think it was. I closed my eyes, breathing hard for two reasons: I'd just run long and hard and I couldn't get Brendon’s Red Bull taste out of my mouth. A few more tears began to fall, and I wiped at them with my hand, surely messing up the stage make-up I'd worked hard on. That's when I heard footsteps coming close to me, and stopping.

"Ryan?" Someone asked quietly. It wasn't really someone because I'd recognize that voice anywhere, so of course I knew it was Brendon. Probably the last person I wanted to see right then had to come by and check on me. I opened my eyes, standing up straight and facing Brendon. I wiped another stream of tears off my face. I didn't know why I was crying. It was probably because I'd built up this secret love for Brendon all that time just to have it crash down in a second.

"What do you want, Brendon?" I asked, struggling through tears, and just over saying his name.

"I want to talk to you," Brendon began, laying a hand on my shoulder. I backed away a little, making his hand fall. I couldn't face his touch again just then. He looked disappointed to see me avoid, him so I took a few steps closer to him again.

"What do you want to talk about?" I asked even though I knew quite well what was on his mind.

"I think it's pretty obvious, Ry." Brendon answered, wearing a small smile. I loved hated how he always knew exactly what I was thinking. "So, why did you kiss me back there?" He asked, pointing behind him. I looked down at my shoes; they were dark color, and kind of looked like a pirate might like them. Shoes were always so interesting to me at awkward moments.

"Brendon, I'm sorry for kissing you. I didn’t mean to it for happen that way," I began quietly.

"What do you mean, that way?" Brendon asked me. And I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't lie. I couldn't stop my growing desires for him.

"Brendon. I've planned the way I'd kiss you for the first time for months. I go through this whole dream where you'd kiss right back and it would follow But, now I realize that dream is bullshit. You don't love me, you probably never will. And I realize that now. I kissed you because I've been desperately waiting you to see me. So, don't waste you breath with me. I know I don't matter." I said, keeping my voice small the whole time. I began to walk passed Brendon, more tears falling again, because I'd come to terms that Brendon will never want me.

But, Brendon's hand wrapped around my elbow. He pulled me back to him. Our eyes locked for a tense moment. Then, he said something I didn't think he would ever say.

"Ryan, you matter to me." He whispered. Brendon stepped in front of me, and laid a hand on my cheek. We didn't say anything else, but enough had been said for me at that time. Sometimes you just have to take whatever a person is willing to give you. Ch2 Have you ever felt so stupid, you’d do anything to change what you'd done? Well, I surely have. After the night I'd kissed Brendon, things were incredibly tense. Not only because of the obvious sexual tension, but because of the many rumors floating around. It's to be expected that if one confused, experimenting guitarist ________ (fill in the blank) happens to kiss a straight, gorgeous, chick magnet lead singer _______ (fill in the second blank), then people would talk.

But, this wasn't the kind of attention I wanted. I didn't want to basically show my feelings for Brendon onstage, in front of a thousand kids, who were our fans. I didn't want it to be public and open for the whole world to be part of. I'd wanted it...sentimental. I'd wanted it to be special.

But, that dream was shot to hell now. And I certainly felt awkward around anyone those days afterward. I didn't like being stand-offish and secretive but I didn't know what else to do.

"Hey, RyRo!" Brendon said, as he walked into the room I was in. Before tour, all of Panic! had decided it would be easier to stay together after the tour since we all resided in Vegas. Now I would kill to have it any other way. I smiled half-heartedly at Brendon just to please him and looked back down at my notebook. I was working on a song, that was one of the few things I did those past few days.

"Whatcha' doing?" Brendon asked me, sitting down on the couch where I was. He was sitting very close to me, the sides of our thighs touching. He had always sat close but now it was just awkward for me and caused a mind-blowing tugging below my belt. I blushed and looked up at him.

"I'm writing a song." I answered quietly. Brendon nodded and leaned over to see the words on the paper. I didn't have much done and I was glad because I knew the song would end up getting revealing. He smiled at me.

"Fucking amazing, Ryan. As usual." Brendon told me with a smirk. I blushed again and looked down.

"Thanks, Bren. I'm glad you like it." I mumbled quietly. I nodded to him and set my notebook on the table beside me. I stood, wanting to get away from Brendon.

"Hey, can we talk?" Brendon called to me as I was almost out of the room.


"Sure," I said, turning with a fake smile plastered on my face. Brendon patted the spot next to him on the couch. I sighed and sat, avoiding his gaze. We sat silently for a moment, the silence becoming more painfully awkward than ever. I felt Brendon touch my arm to get my attention. A stream of goose bumps came up over my skin at his electrifying touch. I calmed myself, and faced him.

"Ryan, I want to talk to you about um...the kiss." Brendon said, sounding nervous now. I bit my lip and nodded so he would continue. "I just don’t want things to become awkward between us. I mean, you're my best friend. I realize that I didn't handle the situation the way I should've. I'm sorry if I hurt you," Brendon said, staring me in eyes.

"Don't be sorry, Brendon. It's my fault anyway. I'm just so stupid-" I began but Brendon placed a finger over my lips.

"You are not stupid, Ry. I don't think you did anything wrong." He said. I searched his eyes for a moment, his words really getting to me.

"Then why the hell do you not want me?" I asked with really no intention on having it answered. I stood and walked to my room. I left Brendon there to be alone in his thoughts. I know, what I said was stupid and I was just complicating the whole situation. I felt so desperate. I felt so dumb. I hated this.

I slammed my door behind me, going to my stereo and turning on whatever CD was already in there. The first some to come on was "Karma Police" which only made me think of Brendon because he'd covered that song on tour. I skipped to the next one; it was "Slow Motion". Again, I skipped for already established reasons. It seemed every song had some connection to Brendon, whether it was his favorite song, or one that we'd played. Who made this fucking CD anyway? It was like the "Let's Torture Ryan Because He's Just Some Screw-Up Who's In Love With Someone Who Doesn't Love Him Back” soundtrack. I just turned off the stereo and lay on my bed.

I rested my hands behind my head, and closed my eyes. All I could see was the look on Brendon's face minutes before when I'd asked him why he didn’t want me. It caused me pain. I hurt him, I know. And that only made me hate myself.

The mattress sunk down near the end, so I knew someone was there with me. I knew who it was already, you should too. I opened my eyes and looked over at Brendon.

He looked sad, and upset with himself. His eyes showed the glimmer of tears that were threatening to spill. His face had been drained of color and his lips trembled. To be honest, I felt bad because I knew I'd made him that way.

"I'm sorry, Ryan. Just please don't hate me." He whimpered. And I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I crawled to the end of my bed where Brendon was and I hugged him tightly. Brendon wrapped his arms around my middle, laying his head on my shoulder.

"I do not hate you, Urie. I just...I actually hate myself these days. I ruined everything and I know it. I understand that you don't love me, and I'll just have to get over it," I whispered, stroking his hair back and, still embracing him.

"Ryan, don’t be so pessimistic all the time." He said with a small smile as he looked up at me. I returned it even though I wasn't really amused. And he could see right through it. "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I always screw things up, don't I?" He said, pulling away from me. I had a half a mind to agree with him but my heart told me not to.

"No, Brendon. You're just really good at breaking hearts is all," I said. He looked at me with painful eyes.

"I'll do anything to make you happy with me again," Brendon said, obviously hurt by my choice of words.

"Brendon, you don't have to do anyth-"

And just then, his lips crashed into mine. He pushed me onto my back, kissing me hungrily.

"Bren, you don’t have to do this." I told him, pushing him off some. I knew he didn't love me. I didn't want his pity.

"No, I want to," He said before his kisses began again on my neck this time. I bit my lip but let him continue. I knew I would regret this, but it felt so good. I just couldn't say no to him.

Brendon ran his hands under my shirt, touching my cold skin. I attached our lips hungrily and moaned as he bit down on my lip. I felt him smile against me, but it quickly disappeared. I wrapped my fingers in his hair, tangling it together; he moved his lips down my neck and onto my collar bone, leaving a mark there to remember.

But, no matter how much I liked this, I couldn't do it. I pushed Brendon away from me, sitting up again and wrapping my arms around my middle as if to protect myself. I looked down at the floor, ashamed that I had let this happen. Brendon pushed back my hair.

"What's wrong?" He asked, scooting close to me again.

"You're just doing this to make me happy and that's not what I want. Don't play with me, Brendon. It isn't fair." I said, opening my bedroom door and gesturing for him to leave. He looked as though he wanted to say something in his defense but I knew he wouldn't.

Brendon's head fell and he went out into the hall. I saw him lean against the wall, holding his head in his hands before I shut the door again.

"Why do I always have to fuck things up?" Brendon asked himself. He thought I hadn't heard, but I had. And his words scarred me deeply. CH3 I didn't talk to anyone for nearly three days after the incident with Brendon. I couldn’t face anyone, I couldn't do it. I barely left my room at all, and when I did it was merely to a trip to the next room and back.

But, every time I saw him, I went weak.

Brendon looked like a wreck, almost in as bad a state as me. And to be honest, the fact that I'd made him like that, made me simply hate myself.

I loved Brendon no matter what people had to say about it, but at the same time I couldn't stand him right then. ------------------------------

"Ryan," I heard Spencer's voice call through the door. I didn't say anything; I merely lifted my head from my pillow to hear him. "Ryan, Pete is on the phone for you. I think you should talk to him." He told me. I stood, reluctantly and opened the door. Spencer looked at me as though he hadn't seen me in years. I'm sure I didn't wasn't looking too handsome then either. I took the phone from his hand and mumbled a thank you, before shutting the door in his face.

I put the phone to my ear, sighing deeply.

"Hello..." I mumbled quietly, falling back on my bed.

"Hey Ryan! How are you, Man?" Pete's enthusiastic voice called to me. I groaned at his volume.

"I'm doing pretty shitty, and yourself?" I asked, immediately taking the focus off of me.

"I'm doing great actually. But why are you feeling shitty?"

"I think it's pretty much obvious, Panda." I told him, sounding not-so cheerful. He chuckled.

"Yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Do you think we could meet somewhere?" He asked me, losing his high-spirits all of the sudden.

"I guess so," I said. "Were you planning on flying in to see me?" I asked.

"Of course, and actually I'm outside your house right now," He said, sounding completely serious. I went to the window and there was Pete Wentz, sitting on my driveway. I managed to chuckle before hanging up on him.

I looked at my disastrous room and groaned. I knew Pete was going to have a whole lot to say to me about my state. I quickly shoved some things under my bed, kicking trash and papers out of the way. I threw my sheets on my bed, trying to make them up quickly. I went to my dresser and dropped my pants, before pulling on a pair of skin-tight jeans. Or at least they were skin tight before, I hadn't eaten much. I heard footsteps coming towards my room as I messed with my hair, trying to get it up to the "Ryan Ross Standard".

And just then, Pete burst through my door, wearing a smile. I smiled back, half-heartedly and walked up to him, he wrapped his arms around me in a warm hug. I stayed there a little longer than I should have; just feeling like Pete was raising my spirits just with his presence.

"Are you okay, Ross?" Pete asked me, and I could tell he was smiling.

"I'm doing better, Wentz." I mocked him. He laughed and pulled out of the hug, sitting on my bed.

"So, let's talk," Pete suggested. I nodded and sat down next to him. I didn't really know what to say, it seemed just being myself was awkward for me. "I want to know how and what happened." Pete instructed. I took a deep breath and looked up at him, taking a long look into his eyes.

"Pete...well this is all my fault," I started before I launched into the whole story. I described to him every feeling I had for Brendon, and every touch we shared. I basically poured every thought that popped in my head out to him. And when I was done, I found myself in tears. I held my head in my hands, practically sobbing. "I don't even know who I am anymore!" I said through tears. "I just...I'm so fucking confused. And I feel so dumb for everything I did. I'm such a fuck-up," I sobbed, cradling my head still. I felt Pete rub my back, soothingly. I tried to calm down but my whole body still shook. I sat up some, looking at Pete with what I'm sure were pathetic eyes. And he hugged me again. I just cried into his shoulder, bashing myself in every way. Pete just stroked back my hair and told me everything would be alright. This reminded me tremendously of the position I'd been in with Brendon mere days before. Only now the tables were kind of turned. I was the fragile, crying one and Pete was my comforter. I think I liked it the other way around more, though.

Wiping my face, I sat up from his embrace. Pete looked at me with sympathy carved into his features.

"Have you told Brendon everything you told me?" He asked softly. And I shook my head.

"No, but he knows that I want him to love me. And when he started kissing me, I just couldn't say no to him. That is what I wanted. Only I didn't want it to be pity. I wanted him to want me." I stuttered slightly.

"Hmm, sounds like the Cheap Trick song." Pete chuckled. I laughed too; I might as well have been talking in lyrics, I guess. "But Ryan, I can't make Brendon love you even if I want to and you can't either. If you aren't the one, then it isn't meant to be. I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to happen, it will. Don't lose faith. I love you just the way you are, RyRo!" Pete told me. I smiled, for real, for the first time in awhile. Pete hugged me again and pulled away, standing up. "Come on, I think someone needs a taco," He said. I smiled again and followed him out of the room.

On the way out, I saw Brendon standing in the living room. He's stopped walking when he saw me, and I'm sure he noticed that I was smiling. I halted too, Pete looking at us both. He nodded to us and went outside. I guess we need privacy. I took a few steps toward Brendon, each of us staring into the other's eyes. And I embraced him. Brendon latched onto me, hugging as he never had before. I pulled away after a moment, Brendon smiling at me.

"Listen Ryan, I'm really sorry about-" but I cut him off by placing a finger over his lips.

"Shut up, Bren," I said, wearing a smile. He laughed and nodded. "Come on, Pete's taking me for a taco. I bet we can pitch in for a cherry turn-over too," I tempted him. He smiled and grabbed my hand, pulling me out to Pete's car. CH4 Pete drove his car down the road, in search of a place to eat that looked cheap, but actually healthy. Brendon and I were both sitting in the back seat, just listening to the music Pete was playing. It was just another rock station, playing the songs I knew by heart and loved. And then it happened. After Tonight, Tonight ended, I heard the oh-so familiar introduction to an oh-so familiar song. Brendon looked at me wide-eyed as he heard it too. It was our song. Our own single, I Write Sins Not Tragedies, was playing on the radio. Brendon lunged over the seat and turned up the volume, screaming his gorgeous little head off. I laughed and smiled, knowing that Brendon’s voice and my lyrics were being heard throughout all of Vegas and beyond just then.

"Holy shit!" Pete exclaimed as it reached its chorus. Brendon and I were doing a dance to our own music, and probably looking like idiots, but we were so excited. And for once, I'd forgotten the tension with Brendon. It was like he was my best friend again and nothing else mattered. All three of us were singing the words as loudly as we could without drowning out the music.

And as it ended, Brendon looked over at me with the most priceless grin on his face. I felt my heart melt as he hugged me and I embraced back. Pete was pulling into the parking lot of a small restaurant and was chatting on and on about how amazing this was. We all got out of the car, laughing and talking as if nothing were wrong. I actually liked this. I'd missed the times when I could be with Brendon and feel comfortable. We took a table in the corner, still be rowdy and excited. It was a booth so Brendon and I took one side and Pete sat on the other. We were still talking about our own experience on the radio.

"But, I can't believe I said "shhh" when I actually say "whore". I mean, that's like my favorite part!" Brendon complained for the fifth time.

"Well, they didn't say "goddamn" either and you aren't complaining about that!" Pete groaned, messing with his fork. I was basically wasting sugar packets by pouring them into a napkin and playing with it with my fingers. I was kind of deep in thought, but really I was just staring at Brendon. He was laughing and smiling like I hadn't seen him do in days. And I didn't really notice him calling my name; I was zoned out like a fan girl meeting Brendon for the first time. But, when his hand hit my thigh I shook awake.

"Whoa, sorry. I kind of spaced out there," I said, smiling at him. Brendon grinned at me and turned back to Pete, but his hand didn't leave my thigh. That confused me. If Brendon wasn’t attracted to me, then he sure was a really good tease.

"So Ryan, are you feeling any better?" Pete asked me. I manage to nod and smile even though my eyes were attached to Brendon's hand on me. Brendon noticed me staring and smirked. This wasn't even funny. He was just doing this to play with me. And frankly, it upset me. I pushed his hand off me roughly and stood, walking to the restroom of the diner.

"What did you do?" I heard Pete ask Brendon before I shut the door to the men's room. There weren't stalls, just one single toilet and one urinal. I slid down the door, holding my head in my hands. Why was I so moody? Oh yeah, Brendon's breaking hearts like the west one, that's why. I groaned just at the thought of him. How could he do this to me? I was finally becoming happy again and he had to ruin that. I let a tear fall down my cheek. I was pathetic.

"Ryan...?" I heard someone call quietly with a knock on the door. I choked back a sob because I knew it was him.

"Wh-what do you want, B-Brendon?" I asked, stuttering stupidly over my words. Brendon stopped knocking on the door at my voice.

"I want to talk to you. Can I come in?" He asked. I let out a whimper but opened the door, scooting aside so he could come in. Brendon shut the door behind himself and sat down in front of me, looking me in the eye. "What did I do?" He asked, pathetically. I chuckled.

"Why were you fucking do that in there, Brendon. You know I like you beyond friendship and that isn't fair to play with my desires like that. I just...I think you just like to play with me." I said, never raising my voice or letting it fall. Just speaking in complete truth and honesty. Brendon placed his hand on my cheek.

"I wasn't playing with you, Ryan. And if that's how it came off, then I'm really sorry," Brendon began, his voice holding complete sincerity. He continued on, looking me deep in the eyes and coming closer to me. "Ryan, the day I kissed you in your room, I began to feel different. It's like I actually wanted it more than I let on to. To be honest, since you kissed me I've been questioning myself. Because I liked it. And now, I'm... confused. I don't even know what I am: straight, gay, bisexual. It's like you made me see things differently." He told me, looking me in the eye. And I felt something change inside me.

"So that's why you're doing this? Because you want it, but you don't at the same time?" I questioned, and he nodded.

"It's like part of me wants you so much, and the other part says I can't do it. I just...even if I do want you, I'm not ready for this yet. I just can't jump into something like this when I'm not even sure what I'm looking for anymore. I'm so sorry," He said, looking down as if he was ashamed. I crawled up and hugged him, trying to take his insecurities away from him. Brendon looked at me, and smiled half-heartedly.

"Well, I'm here to help you try to find yourself, Brendon." I said. Brendon chuckled at my choice of words, but embraced me again. We both stood and left the small room, going back to our table. We sat down, both avoiding Pete's gaze and not wanting to answer any questions. And Pete took the hint. He began to talk about Fall Out Boy's new tour, and the bands he wanted to join them. Brendon looked at me and took my hand from beneath the table in a reassuring grasp. That's what we had: a secretive knot of friendship and attraction.

And I was kind of thankful that Brendon had told me what he had. I knew then that the whole situation might not be as bad as I thought it could be. That conversation gave me hope in every sense of the word that things would get better. CH5 I lay down on my bed, trying to nap, and thinking about all that had happened in the restaurant with Brendon, and just my day in general. I surprised myself because the fact that our song was on the radio wasn't as important to me as what happened with Brendon. And that made me feel simply desperate. But I couldn't bring myself to shake him from my thoughts… ever. Brendon was just so...perfect. And I knew that I would never deserve him, but still I longed to have him.

Rolling over on my side, I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. I hoped that things wouldn't stay so confusing forever. Because part of me hated all the tension and how I was acting. I was forgetting my other friends and my whole life. All I could focus on was my flaws and why I couldn't have Brendon. All I ever did was try to find what I was missing. But, I knew that Brendon didn't think I was missing anything. He was just confused, as was I. But, we were on two completely different levels of confusion. He was trying to find himself, and I was trying to find what I hated about myself.

Then, a hand rubbed against my bare back, and a voice called softly to me, "Ry? Are you awake?" Brendon asked me. I smiled to myself and rolled over, looking at him.

"Yeah, I am. What can I do for you, Bden?" I asked, wearing a smile. He returned it and looked down at his feet.

Brendon looked into my eyes, wearing a teasing look, "I never got that cherry turn-over that you promised me, remember?" He asked. I smiled and sat up.

"Okay, let’s go." I said, standing and pulling on my shirt and hoodie again. Brendon clapped his hands together childishly and ran out of my room. I smiled to myself and walked out too.

That's one thing I loved about Brendon. No matter what happened between us, he could always be the kid I became best friends with. I shook my head as Brendon grabbed my hand and pulled me outside. It was still light outside though the sun was beginning to go down. We began to walk slowly towards a convenience store.

Our destination was reached after a few silent minutes. I walked up to the door and held it open for Brendon. He winked at me over-dramatically before stepping inside. I laughed quietly and followed him.

Going through the isles, we were on the hunt for a cherry turn-over and Sour Patch Kids. After a moment, Brendon halted in the middle of the isle and I ran into him, falling on my butt. He laughed and helped me up before throwing a box of the candy I'd wanted at me.

We left the store, Brendon holding a plastic bag of junk food in his hand farthest from me. We didn't say anything. But the silence was in no way awkward. It was actually very comfortable, and I favored the moment. Our hands would occasionally bump into each other, causing me to shiver. Brendon kept biting his lip as though I made him nervous. I smiled to myself at the thought.

But Brendon surprised me. He ran his fingers down my hand and intertwined them with my own. And, for some reason, I didn't let him go. I looked over at Brendon whose cheeks were blushing cutely. Our eyes locked for a minute, and Brendon merely scooted his body closer to mine and kept walking. I smiled down at the ground. My heart was racing; my breathing slowing but I never let go. Brendon was all I wanted, and I felt like he was realizing some part of him that could one day love me back. CH6 We entered our familiar home; me holding the door open for Brendon. He smiled at me and released my hand for the first time since the walk back from the convenience store. I shut and locked the front door, before turning to see Brendon sitting cross-legged on the couch, dumping out the contents of our bag. I grinned at the mass of junk food that poured onto the empty seat next to him. We'd planned on only buying two things, but it felt like we'd bought the whole store.

"Hmm, so much junk and so little to do with it." Brendon said, poking around and looking for something that sparked his interest. I laughed and sat on the other side of the pile, so the candy was in between us on the couch. "Oh! We should watch a bunch of movies and gain ten pounds by eating all this junk food!" Brendon exclaimed happily. I smiled and nodded in agreement.

"I'll go get us something to drink," I told him.

Standing, I walked into the kitchen and went to the refrigerator. I got out four random energy drinks from the back, and took them in my hands. I set them down on the counter and noticed a note sitting there. Brent and I went out to the movies while you guys were gone. We might hang out at my girlfriend's afterwards. So, we'll be back late. Don’t get in any trouble and I'd like little to no drama happening tonight, please.

I fucking love you guys, Spencer

I shook my head. Spencer was like the band’s mother sometimes. I picked up the drinks again and brought them into the living room. Brendon was searching a cabinet for some movies to watch. I quietly set the drinks down and crept up behind him. Breathing softly, I brought my hands near his sides. And,

"BOO!" I yelled, colliding my hands into his sides. Brendon jumped and turned around quickly, causing him to lose his balance. And before I knew it, he was laying on top of me. My laughs stopped suddenly as our lips seemed to get closer and closer.

Brendon searched my eyes for a moment, biting his lip. I brought my hand to his cheek, and moved it up to push the bangs away from his eyes. And then, he did it. He kissed me.

I should've pushed him off but I didn't. I just kissed back, cupping his face in my hands. We sat up together, falling back against the cabinet. I straddled Brendon's lap and held onto him, still kissing him hungrily.

But, my conscious caught up with me. I pulled away, Brendon's lips still poised for more, and I slipped off his lap. I looked down at the carpet, my breathing heavy.

"I thought you said you weren't ready for this." I whispered, feeling ashamed. Brendon cradled his head in his hands.

"I thought I wasn't." He said, choking back tears. I couldn't face him crying. I crawled up to him and embraced his small frame. He sunk into my touch, and latched onto me. "I'm so sorry, Ryan. I keep doing this when I know I shouldn't. It isn't fair to either of us. I-I just don't know what's even going on in my own head. I want you so fucking badly but I just, I just can't have you. You're ready for all of this, and I'm not. I'd only end up screwing this up for us. And then I'd never be able to forgive myself." Brendon sobbed into my shoulder. I rubbed his back, soothingly.

"Brendon, you don't have to be sorry. I'm just as confused about this as you are. I mean, it's not like I've ever liked other guys. I just like you. And that's confusing as fuck. I wish I could tell you what to do. I wish I even knew what to do in the first place! But, nothing's your fault. I-I love you." I whispered into his ear. Brendon pulled away from me enough to look me in the eye. I wiped a tear away from his cheek.

"You actually love me?" He asked as though he couldn't believe it.

I nodded, "Yes, I truly do love you."

Brendon smiled at me and leaned his forehead against my own. He placed a small, loving peck upon my lips.

"Well then, let's give this a shot." He whispered, causing a grin to break out over my face. CH7 My head seemed temporarily cleared. It was like nothing was wrong, and every conflict that had been troubling my head just disappeared.

Brendon and I were laying on the couch, watching a movie like we'd planned to do before everything happened. And by everything, I mean: us finally getting together.

I was resting my head on Brendon's chest, him stroking back my hair rhythmically. We took turns grabbing out of the chip bowl below us, our hands occasionally bumping.

But that didn't cause me to feel awkward like it would have; it merely caused shivers to shoot down my spine.

I paid more attention to the soft beating of Brendon's heart than the movie, and soon my eyes began to close. I wasn't tired, just comfortable. I smiled and cuddled into Brendon, wrapping my arms around his waist. I heard him laugh softly.

"What?" I asked teasingly, my eyes still closed.

"Nothing. You're just so...cute when you're tired." Brendon told me. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. He was wearing a small smile, one that had been on his face all night.

I leaned up and kissed him, softly. As I began to pull away, Brendon kept me there, kissing me fiercely. I complied with his wishes, and began to kiss him roughly on the lips. Trailing my fingers down his neck, Brendon let out a small moan. I smirked at him but went back to kiss him more. No amount of kisses from Brendon Urie was enough. With his hands in my hair, I began to kiss down his neck. I massaged his weak spot with my tongue, and I heard him moan deeply, and grip my hair tighter. I kept going until he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Dammit, Ryan!" He moaned, and I laughed, sitting up. Brendon sat up too, and shot his lips straight to my ear. "I'm not letting you get away that easy, RyRo." He whispered seductively. I tried not to laugh as he kissed around my ear. It isn't my fault that I'm fucking tickle-ish. But, then he began to massage my inner thigh with his closest hand. I bit my lip as he moved slowly toward my crotch.

Brendon noticed my eyes locked there and he attached his lips to my own. I kissed back hungrily, hoping for a distraction from Brendon's wandering hands. And I found Brendon straddling my lap, kissing me roughly and me digging my nails into his shoulders.

"Brent, stop checking out the 15-year-old neighbor! WHOA-" I heard a voice interject from the doorway. Brendon and I both snapped from the lip-locked state. We both looked awkwardly at Spencer who was standing in the door, obviously trying not to stare. "Um, sorry guys. Brent and I were, uh, just about to leave...again." Spencer said, averting his eyes. Brendon crawled off my lap and stood up, rubbing the back of his neck.

"No, it's okay Spence. Right, Ry?" He asked me, obviously feeling just as awkward as Spencer and I were. I nodded my head.

"Of course. You guys live here too, after all." I whispered, standing too. Spencer nodded and dragged Brent by the collar into the kitchen.

"Well, okay. Uh, sorry for interrupting." Spencer said, hurrying away before Brendon or I could say another word.

I looked at Brendon after a minute, our eyes locking. And we both burst into laughter. I clasped Brendon's hand in my own and lead us into my room. We laid on my bed, still laughing over the incident. But as we settled down, Brendon cuddled into me. He kissed my cheek softly and closed his eyes, his head resting on my chest. I thought he'd fallen asleep until he began to talk to me.

"Ryan?" He whispered.

"Yeah, Bren?"

"Do you really love me?" He asked, in a hushed, defeated voice.

"Brendon, I do love you. I would never lie to you. I've loved you for so long and...I’m just proud to actually be able kiss you without you pulling away. Or hold you without you cringing." I said, honestly. His eyes opened and he kissed me softly.

"Ryan. Thank you for being more amazing than I deserve." He said. I smiled and kissed him again.

"Brendon...that's impossible. You deserve the whole damn world." I whispered, before laying back on my pillow, and closing my eyes again. CH8 PS - I'm using a Hello Kitty layout because it's sexy.facebook.. "Good morning, Lovers!" I heard someone call from the doorway, interrupting my sleep. I lifted up my head, and opened one eye.

"Five more minutes, Spence." I groaned, laying my head back down. I felt Brendon tighten his grip around my waist as he resettled against my chest.

"No can do. We have an interview at 9, so get ready so we can leave." Spencer said, ripping the sheets off our bodies.

"Mmm...Fuck you, Spencer." Brendon groaned sleepily before sitting up.

"Oh, I love you too Brendon." He joked before leaving quickly.

Brendon yawned and turned back to face me, his hair in disarray. I smiled at him and sat up, too. Our eyes just locked for a moment, smiles on our faces. I had Brendon Urie.

Laying a peck on his cheek, I got up from my warm place next to him, and went to my drawers. I could feel Brendon's eyes on me. I pulled down my pants from last night and replaced them with close-fitting black jeans. Shyly, I took my shirt off to reveal my chest for a moment as I hunted for a shirt. And I felt a pair of arms wrap around my bare middle. Turning my head back some, I saw Brendon resting his chin on my shoulder and embracing me. I smiled at him and kissed the side of his head from the angle. I saw his lips curl into a grin as he opened his beautiful dark eyes. They locked with mine in an intense, longing stare. I turned in his arms and crashed my lips into his. He reacted immediately to my kiss. And I found myself sitting on top of my desk-like dresser with Brendon snug between my legs, locked in a heavy kiss. But he pulled away, leaving me wanting more of him. And with a smirk. He said, "Wear this shirt." and he threw me an off-white button-up and one of his blazers, which was in my drawer for some reason.

"You tease," I joked, taking his selection and putting it on. He laughed and left my room to get himself ready as well.

I got at myself in the mirror, seeing a spot on my neck that Brendon had made on me last night. I touched it gingerly. Brendon was everything to me. He should be everything to anyone who knows him. He was more amazing than I could ever hope to be. He surprised me everyday. He made me laugh easier than anyone else did. He could get me to smile even when I didn't want to. And I was goddamn lucky to have him.

"Ryan...? You okay?" I heard Brendon's familiar voice ask from the door, interrupting my thoughts. I smiled at him and nodded. "Alright, come on. We're about to leave." He said, holding a hand out to me. I took it and smiled as he walked with me out to the car, hand in hand.

I sat in the back with Brendon, still not letting go of his hand, while Spencer and Brent sat in the front. We didn't need drivers and limos. It wasn't our style. Nor in our budget for that matter...

Brendon seemed to have a hard time keeping his hands to himself the whole time there. His hand was resting on my thigh and his hot breath kept hitting my neck, making me shiver. Damn him.

I played his own game and ran my hands up his arm softly. I settled my lips against his neck, sucking sensually there. He smirked at me but then bit his lip nervously. I smiled, proud of myself, as I slipped my hands beneath his shirt, lightly touching his stomach.

I was so wrapped up in Brendon that we didn't even notice the car stop. I kissed him up the neck and laid a final kiss on his ear.

"Okay guys, cut it out. This is like worse than walking in on my parents having sex or something." Brent whined. Spencer hit him angrily with a rolled up flyer, and stuck his head back in the car.

"We're going to go in. If you guys need a minute, then take it. We're early anyway." He said, taking Brent by the sleeve, and pulling him into the building. Brendon blushed.

"Do you think it's weird for them? To see us...together? I mean, if that's what we are anyway. I don't know if you want to be official or anything. I'm rambling--"

"Brendon, calm down." I whispered taking my hands and lips off him. "What's bringing all this on, anyway? I thought we already were "together"." I said, looking down at my feet.

"Yeah, Ryan. I just-I'm just so nervous about all of this. I mean, I'm pretty sure the rumors are already as bad as they could get from when you kissed me at the final show. And...I don't know anything anymore. I mean, I want to be with you, and I'm pretty sure you want to be with me. But I just didn't know if we were official or not, or if we were going public with it. I mean, I just got you last night." Brendon rambled again. He did that a lot when he was nervous.

"Brendon, if you want to go publically official then I'm with you there. But if not, then I'm okay with that too." I told him. Brendon smiled at me.

"Well then, I guess you're now my public boyfriend Mr. Ross." He said, wearing that smirk I was accustomed to.

I nodded and smiled to him, kissing him lightly on the lips. We got out of the car together and walked in confidently, hand in hand.

As soon as we came in, a stern but pleasant looking man walked over to us.

"Good morning, Mr. Ross, Mr. Urie." He said, shaking each of our hands. "Your band members are just down that hall getting ready. First we're going to film a short commercial for the interview, then you'll hang out for awhile and we'll do the actual interview live. If you need anything, then just get me. I'm Steven Page." He said, smiling, before walking away. What surprised me most was he didn't say a thing or look awkwardly at our joined hands. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Alright, is everyone ready to film?" Someone called from behind the camera. We were getting ready to promote our appearance on the show that night with a short commercial. I was supposed to say a line about who we were and then Brendon would say when and where you could catch us. But, it proved more difficult to get Brendon to say anything serious at all.

Take One

"Hey! This is Panic! At the Disco." I said into the camera like my line told me too.

"And we basically own your face!" Brendon exclaimed, over-riding the script. Everyone burst into laughs.

Take Two

"Hey! This is Panic! At the Disco." I said again.

"And I forgot my goddamn line!" Brendon said with a thumbs-up. Once again, more laughs.

Take Three

"Hey! This is Panic! At the Disco."

"And we can say 'fuck' on TV!" Brendon said. And I added, "Fuck yeah, we can!"

Take Four

"Hey! This is Panic! at the Disco."

"And some bastard stole Ryan's rose vest!" Brendon exclaimed. I laughed that time too, hard. Some bastard did steal my rose vest.

Take Five

"Hey! This is Panic! At the Disco."

"And you can check us out tonight on MTV at 7 o'clock." Brendon said it right, for the first time. And as soon as the camera shut off, everyone burst into fits of laughter.

Well, at least I knew that day wouldn't be boring. CH9 I was kind of nervous. It was 6:55, and we were going on live in just a matter of minutes. Live interviews made me nervous. No outtakes. No re-dos. It's just coming out right then. Brendon squeezed my hand reassuringly and kissed me lightly. What made me more nervous was the fact that we were going public with our new-found relationship. But I had Brendon by my side. So, everything would be okay. Or so I thought.

I warmed up to the interview about 15 minutes in after various questions about a new album or a hidden track or future tours. It seemed I'd warmed up to it at a horrible point.

"Oh...and speaking of your tour," Our interviewer, Leah, said with a smirk. "What about that famous kiss between you and Brendon, Ryan? That sure did get a lot of girls thinking naughty things...!" She said. I burned red immediately. Brendon looked over at me and gave me a reassuring look. I smiled weakly at him.

"Well...the kiss was...I didn't..." I stuttered, nervously. Leah over-dramatically nudged me in the ribs.

"Well, is Mr. Urie at least a good kisser?!" She asked, causing me to swallow nervously.

"The kiss was just me working with things out of my league." I said, looking down at my shoes.

"So the rumors of a relationship are faulty?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. I looked over at Brendon, his eyes worried.

"Uh...I don't really feel comfortable answering yes or no to that question right now." I said, like the dumbass I am.

Brendon interjected into the conversation, "No. We aren't together." He said angrily. I avoided eye contact with anyone. How could I possibly be so stupid? The questions persisted with an intense anger between Brendon and me. I didn't answer another question; I just stared down at my shoes and listened to Brendon's newly harsh answers. And I felt bad. I'm such an idiot. I'm such a coward. And I couldn't stand myself for hurting the only thing I've been dreaming of for the longest time. And now, he surely hated me.

"Ryan...Ryaaannn?" Someone called. I snapped my head up and saw the interviewer. "Thank you for coming tonight." She said, shaking my hand. I nodded and smiled, walking behind Spencer. I could feel Brendon's eyes burning a hole in my back.

As we got into the car, Brendon didn't even look at me. He sat on the other side of the seat, staring out the window. I stayed on my side as well, knowing I had hurt both of us.

And when we got to the house, Brendon was the first one out. He slammed the car door behind himself and stalked off to the door; making sure is shut with a bang.

"Ryan, what's going on?" Spencer asked me, when Brent scurried off into the house. I sighed.

"We said we were going to go public. And I didn't do it. And now he's mad at me...I hate myself right now." I said, tears forming in my eyes. Spencer embraced me, letting me cry into his shoulder. He brushed back my hair and pushed me back up, looking me in the eye.

"If you love him, then you should go talk to him. I guarantee he's watching us through his window right now, thinking about how much you're crying over him." Spencer said with a smile just because he was facing the house, and could see Brendon looking guilty from his window. I nodded and sulked off into the house, my feet dragging and my head and heart heavy.

I took a deep breath, and knocked on Brendon's door. There was a silent moment where I thought he wasn't going to let me in, but the door snapped open. Brendon was standing at the door, just enough of him showing to know he was there. His face was guilty, mine was tear-stained.

Wiping away a tear, "I'm...I'm so sorry." I whimpered. Brendon opened the door wider and let me come in. I sat down on his bed, watching him standing in front of me. And it was then that I realized how good he looked: no shirt, tight jeans, his hair gracefully disheveled.

A tear sliding down his cheek, "Why? Why did you do that to me?" Brendon asked, looking me in the eyes.

"I don't even know, Bden. It's like when the time came to say it, I couldn't find my confidence. And then I looked over at you and you were hurt because of it and that made me feel worse. But you said we aren't that the truth now?" I asked him, wiping the tears off my face.

"Ryan, if you want to be together then I'm with you because I know that I do want you. But if you don't think you can handle it, tell me now because I don't want to wait until we can't even be friends anymore." Brendon told me, falling onto his knees and looking up at me.

"Brendon...I...I love you so much. And I'm sorry that I'm such a fuck-up." I told him. "I want to be with you so bad." I said, breaking down and crashing my lips into his. Like cars. Like planes. We crashed together, more perfect than before. CH10 That same night, I couldn't seem to keep my eyes off Brendon. And my hands seemed to find a way to him too. But I kept my desires to myself; we were still both shaken by my stupidity and failure to please him. Yet I still found myself enjoying just being with Brendon. Sitting on the couch, blankets wrapped around us, the lights dimmed and a movie I'd learned every line to playing on the television.

I laughed as I threw a popcorn kernel towards Brendon, his mouth open wide as he attempted to catch the flying food. But he failed again.

"I suck at this..." Brendon said, clearing his shirt of the many kernels. I laughed again.

"You don't suck, Bren. You're just popcorn challenged." I told him, a smile on both our faces. He laughed at me and rolled his eyes, turning to watch the movie again. And I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Brendon turned back to me and saw me staring. I didn't bother to look away when he raised an eyebrow, I just watched him blush and quickly turn his attention away. Brendon kept looking at me through the corner of his eye, only to find me still admiring him. I had Brendon back. And for some reason, it meant more to me than it did before. Because I'd hurt him, but he'd forgiven me. Like a good couple would do.

With a smile, "What?" Brendon asked me, surely wondering why I couldn't tear my eyes off of his body. I just smiled at him, feeling lucky and giddy off of him.

"Nothing..." I stated simply, hoping he'd look away and just let me admire at him. Just let me bask in how fortunate I was.

A few minutes later, my eyes still on Brendon, he turned back to me and searched my eyes.

"So, why are you really looking at me like that?" He asked, a knowing smile on his face.

"Like what? Can't I look at my boyfriend?" I asked, grinning as my voice formed the words. Brendon smiled too. I think both of us liked the ring in the word. Brendon pushed his lips lightly against mine, smiling against my lips. I was first to pull away from him this time, resting my hand on his cheek. I just stared into his eyes again. And then an awkward silence came over us. I bit my lip, and took my hand away. I looked down at my knees; hoping Brendon didn't see how nervous and awkward I was feeling. But after a second of silence, I felt Brendon fall on top of me, his fingers working at my stomach to tickle me. I snatched at his hands, laughing and pleading for him to stop. But he didn't.

"Brendon!" I gasped sharply, as his hands continued to mess with my stomach and sides. He stopped after a moment, feeling tired, and his laughs began to cease. I pushed his bangs out of his eyes. Was this what loving and being loved back felt like? Because if so, I never wanted it to end. CH11 Waking up on the couch the next morning, I felt Brendon laying basically on top of me. I smiled at him, his mouth slightly agape, and his face peaceful. He is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. I yawned, trying not to move and wake up my sleeping beau. But I failed. Brendon stretched, rubbing his face against my chest, and looked at me with tired eyes.

"I'm sorry. I woke you up, didn't I?" I asked and Brendon nodded, honestly. I smiled at him.

"It's okay. You would've just been trapped under me for an hour until I woke up anyway." He said, smiling a little.

"Now why doesn't that sound so bad?" I asked, goofily. Brendon grinned at me and sat up, stretching again. I tried not to stare as his shirt raised up, showing some of his stomach. I bit my lip. Banish those dirty thoughts, Ryan. You've only had him for three days. I reminded myself. Was I a bit forward for someone I'd just started to date? Even if I had known him for so long.

I followed Brendon like a lost puppy into the kitchen where Spencer and his girlfriend, Brie, were conversing softly over coffee.

"Top of the morning to you" I said, bowing stupidly and reaching for Spencer's half empty coffee mug. I drained the rest down and set it back in front of him. "Thank you, Spencer." I mumbled, leaning against the counter where Brendon was tiredly combining Red Bulls into a cup for himself. I smiled, if Brendon had to choose between the sun or a Red Bull, he wouldn't waste a moment not having his mind on that energy drink.

"Well, what's on the agenda for today?" Brendon asked, sipping at his cup. I shrugged and turned to Spencer, who I knew would have answers.

"No business today, Dudes. Just a day off." He told us, looking over at Brie with a huge smile, and I did the same over at Brendon.

Days off what an unaccustomed treasure.

Brendon grabbed my hand, pulling me along with him as he went to his room. I laid down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. I felt the spot next to me sink down, so I knew Brendon was there. I turned to him and smiled. He returned it and sat up, taking his guitar that sat next to his bed in his hands. He looked at it for a minute as though deciding what to do and simply passed the guitar to me.

"Let's bust out some acoustic stuff." He suggested, looking excited. I nodded and began to play what I imagined would be I Write Sins Not Tragedies in a simpler, acoustic form. Brendon caught on and stood up, pacing the floors as he sang. I was in a trance, just playing what I'd learned to be second nature and listening to one of the most amazing voices from an amazing person. And I stood when Brendon finished, clapping.

"And I thank you." Brendon said in a rush, bowing over-dramatically. I had missed these times when all we did was joke and play music together. But it was almost bitter-sweet now. We were still the same people we always were but something was different between us. There was a deeper connection we'd made with locked lips and sacrifices. Part of me was screaming to end what we had now because it could hurt the band or worse, our whole relationship. But another part was telling me that Brendon could be the best thing that ever happened to me, and that I should relish in him. So, with a smile adorning his lips, I leaned in to kiss Brendon.

And I whispered, "I love you, Brendon. So much."

And I think at that point, I realized. This was something I was willing to sacrifice for. I was willing to change for, to rearrange for. For Brendon, I was prepared to do anything.

But for some reason, there was a bitter taste in my mouth that said those feelings could one day be my downfall. CH12 Three weeks. Three short, but amazing weeks since the day I'd began calling Brendon Urie my boyfriend. We weren't planning on announcing it publicly unless someone asked again. But we weren't keeping it a secret either.

We were just loving one another. And enjoying it.

"Ryan, come here." Brendon requested, opening his arms to me. I smiled at him and run up, jumping into his arms in an awkward embrace. "You smell good." Brendon said, noticing my scent, because my hair was right up against his nose.

"Thanks, I guess." I said, and I leaned down, sniffing Brendon's neck. "You smell...yummy." I told him, kissing the spot. Brendon laughed at me, running his fingers through my hair. I licked his neck sensually, laying my hands against his hips. "Mmm, and you taste good too." I said, smirking.

Brendon blushed and kissed me lightly before pulling away from me. I took his hand as he began to walk away, and I followed him. We were in Pete Wentz's apartment in Los Angeles, visiting him. Pete had left the house to steal Patrick Stump away to come hang out with us, too. Spencer had stayed in Vegas with his girlfriend, and Brent? Well, we were going through some rough times with him lately.

Brendon guided me into the kitchen, where he looked through the pantry for something to eat. And failed.

"Here, let me make you something." I requested, going to the refrigerator and looking through it. "What are you in the mood for?" I asked him, leaning down. There wasn't a reply. "Brendon? What are you in the mood for?" I asked again. And I felt a pair of hands fall against my hips and pull me upright. Those oh-so familiar lips hit my ear and his breath hit my neck. Brendon whispered, "You."

Why did that make me so nervous? I'd asked Brendon what "he was in the mood for" and he says me? But part of me was smiling inside. Brendon Urie wanted me, Ryan Ross.

I turned in his arms, attaching my lips to his hungrily. Brendon rammed his hips into mine, and I let out a small moan against his mouth. Brendon smirked at me. I found him taking control of me, of everything. He had me on the couch, laying on top of me with his lips barely ever parting with mine. With his shirt shed, Brendon went for mine and off it went, leaving my chest bare.

"Oh God, Ryan..." Brendon moaned, slipping his tongue into my mouth.

"Do you love me, Brendon?" I asked, not thinking, just so in love in lust occupied by his lips against mine, his tongue working against me. Brendon stopped kissing me at the question, and just stared at me for a moment, his lips pink from kissing me so hard. "Do you?" I asked, feeling worried. Brendon's eyes held fear, and worry, and...What I used to think was love. It was then I realized Brendon had never truly said I love you, Ryan. He'd always just kissed me, or changed the subject. I'd never noticed it until then.

Feeling hurt, I pushed him off of me and threw my shirt over my head. Brendon grabbed my hand as I began to walk.

"Ryan...I just-"

"No Brendon. Just leave me the fuck alone." I told him coldly, snatching my hand away and rushing down the hall. I sat in the bathroom, leaning against the papered walls.

Was I over-reacting? Was I just being dramatic?

No. I loved Brendon more than anything. He's been the one to always be angry when I wasn't honest about us. But Brendon Urie doesn't even love me. Who would love Ryan Ross anyway? CH13 I walked into the hotel room that I would be sharing with Brendon that night. Pete's apartment wasn't big enough for all of us, so we decided to sleep elsewhere. But honestly, I did not want anything to do with Brendon that night. He'd hurt me too much.

I threw my jacked and sun glasses onto my bed, angrily. Thank God every room had two beds anyway. I wouldn't have to share with him tonight.

"I'm taking a shower..." Brendon whispered softly, walking into the bathroom with his eyes down.

I flopped onto the bed, tapping my leg. I was so jittery when I was upset. With a glare at the bathroom door, I walked to my bags and pulled out something to sleep in. The new clothes covered my body, but I left my chest bare so I wouldn't get to hot.

I laid down on my bed, and stared at the ceiling. For what seemed like an hour, I just looked up, and listened to the sound of the plumbing and Brendon singing softly. I did this until the water stopped.

Brendon stepped out of the bathroom, a light trail of fog following him. I watched him walk across the room, just the towel hung around his hips as he went to his bag. I turned over and faced the wall as Brendon dug through his clothing choices and surely changed into something too.

The light shut off, leaving the two of us on separate beds in the dark. There was silence between us, and I had expected to last, but Brendon broke it.

"Ryan...?" He whispered into the night. I didn't answer him. I didn't want to talk to him. "Ryan, come on. I know you're awake." He whispered, sounding irritated.

"What do you want, Brendon?" I asked, angrily.

"I'm just...I'm sorry, Ry." He told me, his voice weak. "I hate it when you're mad at me. I didn't mean to hurt you like that." He whispered. He waited patiently for me to answer. I felt a few tears rise in my eyes but I wiped them away.

"Brendon...just go to sleep." I told him, coldly. I couldn't forgive him. I did have a dignity to uphold. How the hell could I be so bitter to the only person I ever loved? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up to silence and a pale light. I knew it was still early. I rolled over and saw the clock that read 6:47. I groaned. It was too early to get up yet, but I wasn't even tired at all. Sighing, I saw Brendon still asleep. His face was red and tear-stained. I hadn't heard him cry last night. I guess I was too self-absorbed too care

I sat up and watched the light hit the walls, leaving shadows across the room. So this is what a huge mistake feels like.

I stopped everything for what could've been hours. And I thought about anything everything...I thought about Brendon.

I hate him right now. But I love him. And I need him right now. But I can't tell him that.

I stood up, and put on the same clothes I'd worn the night before. I grabbed my jacket and left the hotel room. I walked the streets of LA, observing the early morning behavior and thinking about anything that I could.

"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny when a girl walks in with a little bitty waist and a round thing in your face-" I heard my phone ring. Never let Brendon Urie choose your ringtone, okay? I picked it up and heard a soft, tired voice.

"Where are you?" Brendon asked me. I thought about saying something mean but bit my tongue.

"I took a walk. I didn't mean to worry you..." I said, feeling ashamed.

"That's okay. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I mean, I know you kinda hate me right now but I still care about you." He told me. I smiled to myself.

"Thanks, Bren. I'll come on back now..." I told him, hanging up.

The walk back was quicker than I'd expected. I stepped into my room to find Brendon staring at the window. I sat down beside him and he looked over at me. Our eyes locked, Brendon embraced me. We didn't say anything. We just knew what this meant. We were just together...again. CH14 "We're home!" Brendon called shrilly through our cozy home back in Vegas. After that day when we'd sort of made up, we were back home and I was glad. I love to travel, but only if I'm going to a city to play a show for a bunch of crazy kids, and not just because I guessed Spencer was at Brie's again. He seemed to be spending more and more time at his girlfriend's lately. And Brent was still being as ass.

Brendon offered to take my bag from me, I was hesitant at first, but let him do as he had intended and followed him into my room with his arms full of bags. I laughed as he collapsed both our belongings onto my bed.

Brendon seemed comfortable with me again; he'd always recovered quickly from anything. But me? I seemed to dwell on the feelings that consumed me. Sometimes they just tore me apart. For me, I was still awkward about the whole Brendon situation. I wasn't furious anymore though, I was simply filled with sorrow over it.

I sat down on my bed, on the upper part that wasn't covered in bags. I looked down at my skinny legs, feeling nervous and awkward. I wasn't sure what it was about Brendon though. Usually, I was either awkward, angry, or completely in love with Brendon Urie. And it confused the hell out of me.

" okay?" Brendon asked, his voice shaking with worry. I looked up at him and plastered the best fake smile I could on my face. I nodded

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