Sex Ray

Sex Ray Sex Ray

Status: Finished

Genre: Humor


Status: Finished

Genre: Humor


Murder, Mystery, and sex...


Murder, Mystery, and sex...

Chapter1 (v.1) - Sex Ray

Author Chapter Note

Murder, Mystery, and sex...

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 20, 2012

Reads: 729

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: May 20, 2012




Sex ray


Chapter I- Fingers in the dark and big black clock.


It was cold winter night. The wind was blowing across the hills spreading frost on the grass, like seed thrown by careless farmer.

Big black clock on the wall just announced 10 pm.

She was lying comfortably in her room in old Victorian castle. Oh yeah; her white, soft body was cooling down the fever of expectation on satin sheets, making every movement soft and unpredictably pleasant, so she felt like she was resting on big, puffy cloud, drifting on warm blue sky, taking her towards the adventure and exploration of the most secret pleasures. She was indeed ready for him. She strokes her hair, to move away playful, tickling naughtiness that touched her pomegrade - like lips, to hold on, not overexcite... Now she heard his steps on the staircase. He was near. She looked towards the bedroom door. Shadow on the staircase made it clear; he was naked!

"Cockzilla!!!" - She whispered.

"Lady Rubbmesome!"- answered him.

Shadow on the wall got significantly bigger.

She gasped;

"Oooh! Are u coming?"

"Hmm I might, in a moment" his voice drilled her ears... Thrills came down her back, from face muscles, down her spine, lifting her lower back up, in a spasm of pleasure that would happen shortly, pleasure she has been waiting for...

"You sound so sexy without hearing aids" she added.

" I know, since I bashed my testicles, whilst jumping from balcony on that wild horse, trying to impress duchess Crackednuttslicker, my voice improved significantly” he said.

"Tell me more" she gasped, carried in another spasm of ecstasy caused by his sexy voice... "Ohhh what you going to do when you get in here?" she asked.

I don’t know what "inhere" is but when I get there; am going to show you real adventure in wilderness, roaring, scratching... U will be amazed!" he replied. She didn’t know, he had the newest issue of national geographic under his arm. But he also had an instrument that scared lots of local ladies late at night in the local park, so called "flute of joy" "the jawbreaker" or "creamshooter", well hidden in his pants, before local police... But now he was coming closer and closer. Then he hit something." Is it bed frame? "He thought. It was hard to say, considering fact he had wooden leg. He hated it. Couldn’t sit close to the fireplace without catching fire, and every time he went to local church he contracted woodworms... The only thing that truly worked in his body was something else...

"I am close my dear" he whispered in the darkness which didn’t matter to him as he had one false eye, and other one didn’t work correctly as result of nervous ticks which made his face to twitch like frog in science lab.

" ohhh tell me more" she said, clenching on satin sheets, imagining hot white milk poured on her touch-waiting breasts, all over her, wiggling like snake, moving like her body was trying to merge with another one. the bodies of her and Lord cockzilla, who’s hairy back, prominent ears, bushy eyebrows, disfigured skull courtesy of inexperienced midwife, disproportional hands, much bigger than his head, his fake nose and that big thing, which requires two hands to hold it, made him so special... yes! She was thinking about his false leg.

He was near her bedroom now.

She could see his posture, making big shadow with that pointy thing...

Was it what she hoped for?

She felt wet.

She stop breathing for a moment to make sure, yes the hole was wet, right above her head. "Damn! It’s raining again!" she thought. "This roof will never get fixed..." and she was right. Last attempt to fix it was made by her father who was clinically mad. He believed he was from planet Urine-us, and loved to perform public urination from high points like trees, monuments or trampolines in swimming pools. That day he was very unlucky, whilst on top of the roof he slipped on his own urine, but nothing happened, then he was electrocuted by thunder but still survived. He died when he realized the servant who was holding his ladder was not only blind and suffered from epilepsy, but also had extremely short attention span. She remembered like yesterday; seeing her father falling down swearing at servant, cancelling his contract and pension then finally becoming flat man-burger on solid concrete footpath. Ironically post mortem confirmed, he died with full bladder... His wife was trying to call ambulance but having poor eyesight she didn’t realized she was talking to the calculator...

Sad memory, but she was so horny now, that even this horrific picture wouldn’t stop her... She actually was more and more excited...

His rhythmical breath was getting closer and closer.

Hmm, she bite her lips, making them go white for a second (like her father when he hit the ground), then red again with blood flowing fast through her body, waiting to be boiled and to be stood still in orgasmic explosion which every breath, every second was getting closer, and closer ...

"you sound like you took your inhaler tonight, which means you had took your Prozac first, otherwise you would refuse them all as usual..." said Lord.

It was dark. They couldn’t clearly see each others...

"Hmm yeah!" she whispered.

"I love when you resist, but tonight will be different. I never had you medicated!" he confessed

"I know! You look so... Double!" she said reaching her both hands towards his waist...

"So you have two cocks now!?"She asked

"Yep, they are getting better in fights, am winning lots of money..."

Yes he was specialized in cock fights. His biggest cock was well known around the village and in local church group.

"The biggest price is here, in front of you..." she said sitting upright, naked on the bed.

"Really?" he replied. “Let me feel..."Saying that he reached in front of him, he touched something warm, skin-like and hairy...

"Hmm I want you to touch me" she said, waiting in the darkness for his disproportional hands, with arthritic fingers to gently touch her body...

"You are so ready!" said lord, gently massaging hairy area, then moving his fingers towards the spot in the middle

"Where are you?" she whispered.

"What u mean?! Am nearly there..."

"Where? I can only feel my dog lying next to me!"

His finger founded the spot.

It was cold night. Black crows sat on the tree in front of the castle, like a grim reminder of fragility of our lives. Suddenly strange noise, cut through the air as unexpectedly as knife through Tesco cheese...

It was duchess' dog.

The crows took off, and soon disappeared in the darkness.


Lord Cockzilla realized he did get not only wrong hole, but wrong species!


Big black clock just announced midnight.

After hilarious mistake with dog; he found the way; the way to salt lake, with his clumsy fingers in the dark.

"Ooooh you are so knob-ledgable!” shouted she for next few minutes...

They both went crazy on this old bed, just like his grandfather who used to love his cattle too much, or his uncle who was the only gynecologist in vast county.

Anyway, they were so close to complete their passionate love when... the postman rang the door bell twice...

Yes, it was midnight, but the postman was blind and had no sense of time. Sometimes he delivered wrong mail to wrong people but since everybody knew about his disability, soon he appeared at the door, people helped themselves with his sack.

There was the letter addressed for lord Cockzilla.

It was from local hospital well known from its biggest morgue in the country. Last week there was first ever painless operation performed on the patient, turned out last week they finally employed anesthetist for the first time... Sad truth was that hospital was poor and too old. The only reason ambulances has ever been dispatched was because the hospital was on the top of the hill...It was one way trip anyway. Number of deaths was bigger than admissions, nobody knew how (?)

Patients could book appointments only on-line. Line had average 200 people standing and waiting...

There was dirt all over the place but amazingly there were no cockroaches, sadly it’s because they all were eaten by kitchen staff. Lords nephew used to work there; got dismissed when on one Halloween he came dressed up as grim reaper. Few people died when he walk passed cardiology, and then another one on intensive care when he accidentally cut off the power cord of life support machine with the scythe.

Lord carefully opened blood stained envelope. Looked like a bad news. He didn’t know why, he just had this strange feeling. Sweat appeared on his forehead, hands, even his wooden leg... As he couldn’t read himself, he asked his butler to read it for him. As the butler couldn’t talk, with sigh language he asked his paralyzed wife to say the words, but because she was talking very quietly, the parrot on her shoulder repeated words out loud.

So the butler read then signed, then wife whispered, then parrot screamed;

Lord couldn’t believe...

He was referred for special check...

Yes, he was going for sex-ray...


Chapter II – things are getting serious


Detective Fitzwell was sitting in his office. It was late dull afternoon. The rain was tapping on the windowsill, keeping company to ticking sound of big black clock on the wall. Time seemed to slow down; detective was sitting there and staring at his cock.

It wasn’t just any cock, his cock was very special. He was so proud of it; he showed it to everybody he knew, curious of their opinion. Sometimes he would ask people to touch it, but gently as it was real treasure. He looked after it. Every evening he regularly polished his cock and make sure it’s always nice and presentable.

He loved it. Every time when he had chance he held his cock in his firm hands. It always gave him this wonderful sense of pleasure and importance...

The cock was indeed special. He carved it when he was teenager, during that special summer, when he became a man. Spanish Rivera… It was hot, his young body was covered with sweat, and he reached for the towel to dry his back when he saw his lover... His name was Alonso Rodriguez el Cocko. He remembered his long, pointy mustaches, big sombrero and soft but firm buttocks. They spend hours of passion in Local Park, then hours of explanation in local police station.

"I love u buddy..." whispered detective, holding his cock.

The phone rang.

"This time of the day? It’s rather strange..." he thought.

- Detective Dick Fitzwell speaking.

- Sir, am afraid we have a little problem here... - said police officer on the phone. - We need you to come down and have a look. Strange, strange thing...

Detective asked for the address and immediately put his coat on. Checked his inner pocked. Revolver was still there. Before he shut the door, once again he quickly looked at wooden cock standing on his desk.


The sky was covered by dark clouds from time to time letting the sunlight through little blue gaps. It was late afternoon. Long dark tree shadows, looked like big black spiders sitting on the walls of old castle. Inside, in big dark room, long shadow was moving from one corner to another.

Then sudden rumbling of distance thunder echoed in the castle walls. The shadow stopped in front of the window. Now a tiny spot of sunlight shone at lord cockzillas butlers’ face.

"Siri, what have we scheduled for today?" - asked butler in sign language.

- let me check that forrrr you. - answered his parrot Siri.

It was very clever parrot! The butler bought her from some tribe from Amazonia, when he served on the ship in his young age. Since then Siri was always with him, helping to organize, remember, observe.... But after he got married, Siri seemed to be more attached to butlers’ wife rather than him.

- Nothing planned. - announced Siri.

Squeaking noise came from dark corner. Weak sunlight revealed approaching person on the wheelchair. Butler’s wife.

"I didn’t know you were here!"- signed butler a little bit scared by sudden appearance. He looked at his wife; she was smiling at him.

- can u help me to fasten my bra? - She whispered.

He was getting excited. It all reminded him those happy years before the accident few years ago. They were so madly in love. But even after the incident, he still found her quite attractive. Her stiff motionless body; badly trimmed toenails, and that growth on her bottom which is what’s left of a tail which had been amputated when she was 18, all those things made him even more horny.

He was fighting with himself now. She was so sexy; her body was like Frankenstein’s first work ever. Her hair reminded him of busy market place. There were so many little insects there, always on the go. Her face looked like a cross between a bat and fish. She lost her lips during silly sexual games with a horse, terrified she won’t ever whistle again, she had first ever transplant of anus in place of her mouth. It worked fine, apart from sometimes she farted with her mouth without control. And use to get hemorrhoids from time to time. But Butler loved her mouth literally! He also loved her breasts which looked like old potatoes, smelled with soil and hands of few local villagers.

And finally her legs... They were legendary in all counties. Big and strong, they say she could strangle a bear with her legs! But they also were strangely disproportional. Especially now, when she didn’t move, they looked rather strange. She had 7 toes on one foot, and only two on other one. Strangely every time she cut her spare toes off, they grew back...

Butler remembered how long time ago they used to have most weird sex. They used to do it all the time: in the morning, all night, on the beach, snow, with each others, with group of strangers, mostly humans.

But now life was so different...

"You know..." - he signed, turning his face towards the window- "everything will be over soon..."

- Think twice before you do anything...- she answered

"I always do...” - answered butler leaving room quickly, like he was in a hurry.

His wife was left alone, staring at the window where dark clouds were moving on the sky from time to time whitened by sudden flash of thunder. She could hear butler’s footsteps fading away in a hallway.

Few minutes after butler left she moved her head towards the parrot. Parrot looked through the window. Down below she could see the butler walking through main gate, helping lord Cockzilla with his luggage.

"He is gone" said parrot.

Very same moment, large figure stood beside parrot’s cage.

"I know" said figure, gently touching parrot through cages golden bars.

In the corner of the room, the sun that just managed to get trough dark clouds, shone at butlers wife wheelchair. It was empty.


Detective Fitzwell just arrived at the crime scene. It started to rain again. As he walked into something which looks like some kind of shop, he asked police officer who guarded the doorway:

-  What is this place? Eh?

- It is… a shop, Sir. – answered the officer

- Hmm… - Detective went inside. On long shelves with very poor light inside there were some kind of strange looking objects… strange but somehow familiar in shape…

- Whatta fuck! – Nearly shouted detective, looking at the box with big penis drew on it. The title on the box said: “Whatta fuck! – first artificial penis”.

- What is this place? – Said detective to himself.

- They call it “sex shop”... – answered woman’s voice coming from behind.

He always recognizes this voice. It was Inspector Bonnie Beaver. She was a legend in the police force. She did tracked down and arrested many sexual perverts like Earl Lee Riser, the rapist from the local church group well known for his sexual raids on local farms, or Barry Tittsworth, who used to own local bra shop. Bonnie Beaver didn’t like detective Dick. But in the same time there was something, some kind of electricity between them. Sometimes Dick and Beaver looked like a couple, other time they will argue all the time.

Dick couldn’t pretend anymore. Her hairy legs, strangely build body, as she had no neck, and her breasts, far too high as for normal person, all that gave him immediate erection, followed by tears in his eyes. They had some wonderful time together in the past. Now she was standing there in front of him, in man-like pose, scratching her crotch. Dick came closer to Beaver and put his arms around her hairy head with big metal implant in the back.

- I missed you so much! – He whispered to her elf-like ear. – do you remember when we used to smoke pot and watch “the grudge” together then we used to go to Chinese takeaway and shit ourselves seeing the staff…

- How could I forget…?

- You know – said Dick – I always used to think, if the girl on the date is still sober after second pint, it’s too expensive for me… but you! You were drunk already when you turned up! You are so different…

- I remember… our first date… - said Beaver.

- You were so sexy that night… then we went to local park, you worsen my hernia, I worsen your prolapse…. – said Dick

- What you’ve been doing through all this time? I heard you had some problems…

- Yes… - Said detective – I’ve been through a lot and seen a lot… I’ve seen drunken people singing on the streets, sober people crying on AA meetings… Life is so strange sometimes.

They both stood there for few seconds looking in each other’s eyes. It wasn’t that easy. Her eyes were independent; she could move them in different directions spontaneously. But now both of them were looking directly at him. She gently moved her tongue and wet her lower lip. She put her hand on his coat. Stiff, long shape excited her; didn’t know it was actually his revolver. Dick knew he must be strong, and not let himself do anything stupid. He moved her hand away.

- So, what is going on here? – He asked.

Beaver didn’t reply, instead she nodded her head inviting him into another room. In there, on the big carpet, there was body of shop owner, with massive dildo forced into his mouth.

- What a terrible death! – said Dick.

- His name was Pat Hiscock. He owned this shop with sex toys for reach people. This murder was revenge on him! – said Beaver.

- How do you know? – asked Dick.

- Ehhh, honestly, you are not pretty enough to be this useless… look! – She pointed at big writing on the wall “This is revenge!”


Lady Rubmesome was looking at her family album. Tear appeared on her chick when she looked at her father’s photo. “He was such nice man…” she thought. Before he went completely mad he was her teacher, showed her how to become proud owner of family fortune. It was him who thought her how to be disrespectful to her servants, how corrupt local authority and blackmail local bishop. Everything was so good until she met Lord Cockzilla. First few years were full of passion, but then the magic was gone… she started to avoid him; she didn’t like the fact that she had to share things with him, bed, house, oxygen… He did try to improve their relationship, but she treated having sex with him rather as routine duty… did not enjoyed it at all. Even when he talked to her, she found it repulsive. “His little stupid things, jokes and remarks….”she thought. “Men know he cannot give child birth, so to compensate feeling worse he exaggerates and praise any shit that comes out from any whole of his body”. She clenched her fist.

She was looking now at the carriage with Lord Cockzilla and his butler moving away from the castle towards flashes of thunder on the horizon.

Today all things will change” she whispered to herself.


- I think I got something here!!! – said detective Fitzwell, who was just going through the counters draws in the shop. – Look at all them checks… someone spend fortune here…

- My god! – said inspector Beaver… - Look who’s name is on them

Detective put the check on the counter. It was check for Mr. Hiscock. Signed by Lord Cockzilla.




Chapter III – girls just wanna have fun


It was getting very late. The postman was standing in the queue in the local shop, waiting to check his lottery ticket. He didn’t mind even how long it took (as we know he had no sense of time).

He won.

He couldn't believe it. From now on, he can do everything he wanted. He can finally afford his mothers brain transplant, he can buy himself big mansion, he can pay real prostitute instead of local farmers, he can sponsor few tigers in the wild or buy goods not produced by Tesco.

He could do all this!

Now he could forget about his plans to rob local bank and few old ladies. He could forget about lonely nights, full of depression and Prozac. Medication used to make him very horny; his cat hated when he was on it.

But now all this is the past.

He cried from happiness.

- Will you stop making an idiot of yourself!? - Someone shouted.

Postman opened his tearful eyes. He wasn't in the shop! He was sitting in the kitchen. His mother was standing in front of him.

-put yourself together, lad! - She shouted

Yes... it was only a dream. His life was still full of shit and disappointment. Sad, meaningless life, full of plans to rob some local bank or someone... someone rich!


It was getting very dark outside.

Bonnie Beaver was talking about what she’s been doing all these years. Detective Fitzwell was listening to her long, boring story, when their carriage stopped in front of familiar building.

- Why are we in your house? - He asked.

- I just need to pick up few things... Come in! - invited Beaver.

Her bedroom was a little bit strange or even unpleasant one to be in. She was well known of collecting strange and unusual things. Among many objects in her huge collections she had very precious one like Amazonian stuffed birds, greedy human hands (collected through years whilst working as the prison guard), collection of dehydrated dessert rodents, and strange but cute collection of very rare doors with nothing behind them.

Beaver sat on the bed. As she unbuttoned her blouse, showing her bra, a bat flew out from under her clothes. She opened her legs. Very same moment Dick heard something that sounded like lion roaring.

Dick was standing amazed with her forgotten beauty.

- Drink? – she asked

- Whisky on rocks, please...

- I only got gin on the table... – she said, hiding penis like toy in her wardrobe in the same time.

- Do you still play all nights? – Asked Fitzwell. Beaver went all red on her face, but then she realised he was actually looking at the grand piano standing in the corner of her bedroom.

She sat in front of the piano and opened squeaky key cover. Her strange fingers; all the same length, touched the keys. She played the tune, bizarre, chaotic, disgusting, with no melody in it. And then… She sang. Her voice was like wild hyena mixed with mating elephant. The room started to shake, scaring ants, rocking pornographic pictures on the walls, making fishes in aquarium to jump out of it to their death.

Thankfully she finished.

- Did you like it? – She asked.

Detective slowly nodded his head. There was a tear coming from his left eye, and drops of blood from his right ear. He was looking now at her head. It was actually quite scary; disproportional, greasy… Yet, somehow, so sexy… He knew, sometimes she had to use shoehorn to put her hat on, but in its irregular shape, that used to change along with the seasons, was something seducing. Indeed her head was a puzzle for many biologists, anthropologists, clothes and interior designers, and even for head lice…

- It was… Awesome… - he said.

Bonnie stood up and then in weird fashion, moving a little bit like spider or mentally challenged monkey, she moved towards the bed. She jumped on it. Weird sound of broken metal and wood followed the jump as well as few terrified spiders, running away from under the bed. Few minutes later; in Mexico, one of the largest volcanoes erupted, also in the same time, on Easter Island, one of big heads fell down killing Japanese tourist, a wave of tsunami ran across Pacific Ocean…

Anyway, Bonnie Beaver was sitting now in her bedroom; her eyes were looking in different directions, and then stopped both locking on detective Dick.

-Hmm… I wanna see your whip… - she said seductively.

- Ok… If you really want to… - Detective pulled out small, pocket size whip, he used to use to train his rats.

He loved them. He had his own rat farm where he trained them to perform circus like tricks. He even opened the website to show how much he loved these little creatures. Unfortunately police and Interpol shut the site down. Also from that time detective started to receive threatening letters from animal rights activists.

- Now… - Said Bonnie – Hit me hard!

Dick didn’t understand what she meant… Why anyone would like to be hit?

- Come on! Hit me hard, naughty boy! – She shouted.

Without anymore thinking he punched her as hard as he could in her face. She literally flew across the room, splattering blood and teeth all over the place. When she landed she didn’t move for a few seconds, then she got back her breath.

- That was… Awesome… - she said wiping blood of her mouth.

- Do you want more, bitch?! – Detective was getting quite excited in his new role.

- Take it easy… First; take your clothes off… - she said.

Detective took his clothes off. To her surprise he had pyjamas under his clothes. She asked him to take them off as well. To even bigger surprise under his jammies he had clothes from day before… “Strange man” She thought, she was getting inpatient.

She slowly moved towards him. She sat next to him; she started to roll on bed, rock her hips, making disgusting noises with different body entries. Her hips lied, or let’s put it this way, they were “a lie”; not real. She had replacement but not being able to afford the real ones; her hips were transplanted from local homeless guy called Zack. That’s why she was standing when she was pissing. Zack on the other hand… well, he is crawling around now, dragging his legs behind.

She pulled her skirt up revealing that she had no underwear. Dick also realized, which was a nice surprise, that she finally got rid of that single testicle she was born with. She had to remove it. Sometimes it would spontaneously retract to her body only to reappear somewhere else, like chin or one of her three ears. That’s why from time to time her nose produced sperm when she had cold.

She sat on detectives knees. He didn’t move, just put one arm around her. They were sitting like this for a moment.

- Can you feel my finger? – asked Dick.

- Eh? No… - said Bonnie a little bit surprised by question.

- I thought so… Hello! You are sitting on it! Get off!

She stood up and went towards the fireplace. She turned around;

- Would you like to put your cock between my tits? – She asked holding her two, clay made figures of little birds. – Come on! Get your cock out and we see how nice they look all together.

It’s a shame he left his wooden cock in his office, it would be such a nice view… In the same time, tits reminded him of his uncle. Not only because he had huge nipples, size of small breasts, but because he used to take little Dick to the woods to watch wild life. Sadly after some time uncle went wild himself… Although he was respected hunter, he couldn’t control his urges. Like during that visit to Fuckingham Palace… He was honored with an order. It was an order to stay away from it after he sexually assaulted one of the servant and few plants in the garden.

- Is that your pussy? – Asked detective, pulling little cat from under the quilt on her bed.

- No, it’s my neighbors, mine has no hair.

And again, it was true. Her cat was one of them weird creatures with no hair and scary faces. Not as scary as his mothers… She was really ugly! She had smile like a crocodile, and if you looked carefully, if you were brave enough, you could see that her teeth actually belonged to a crocodile. It was one of them cheap replacements from dodgy insurance company. She also liked to sleep with her eyes open, which didn’t matter as they were both false anyway. Once when Fitzwell was a kid, he replaced her glass eyes with Christmas baubles. The carolers nearly shit themselves when she opened the door with shiny, glitter ornaments instead of her eyes.

Apart from the eye problem, she had quite nasty nervous ticks. One of them was uncontrollable stomping followed by Tarzan like shouting. She discovered her disability for the first time during her friend’s funeral. She was well embarrassed as it happened when the coffin was being lowered into the ground. She also had the nasty cold, which she didn’t realize. Could she apologize? Well, it wouldn’t be a problem if not her extremely violent Tourette’s syndrome. People, who didn’t know her, were for a nasty surprise, like that guy the other day who rang doorbell, asking for donation for local orphanage.

- What do you think about my pussy then? – asked Bonnie.

Detective was just sitting and looking at ugly animal in the corner…

- Banger? – asked quietly Beaver.

- Maybe later… - He said, as he could be bothered with food at the moment.

He was actually afraid of so called finger food. It reminded him of his grandfather who was an actor. He died on stage during the play. He played greedy German citizen, Hans Einecunt, from Frankfurt, who choked to death on sausage. Unfortunately, he was choking for real. Nobody realized what was going on; people stood up and clapped their hands not knowing he was really dying. Ambulance crew pronounced him dead behind the scene.

He was also a founder of CUNT – Cambridge University’s Nude Theatre, which was a competition to earlier created WILLY – Worcester’s Intensive Lessons for Lazy Youth. Between them was FUCK – Foundation of Underestimated and Creative Keglers. Having financial problems, all three merged together, hoping for sponsoring of local authority. That’s how WILLY FUCK CUNT was created.

People with all sex orientations and false limbs were more than welcome.

Shortly after this event Dick met Beaver.

- I never forget you in myass… - she whispered.

- Yes… it was so nice and warm… A little bit smelly though – said Dick.

Indeed they meant “Maya’s”, which was their favorite restaurant owned by Maya Conchitta. That day, place was smelly as the cook burnt muffin in the toaster.

- I am going to grab your trunk so hard! – She said.

And she was right; his nose looked a little bit like a trunk. She used to grab it for pleasure or without any sensible reason. He didn’t know why. There were a few things he couldn’t understand about her. Like those tattoos… One of them was her home address tattooed on her forehead, other one was stinging nettle right above her “ladies garden”. He did not understand meaning of this one until he got very painful, nasty rash after their first sex.

- I have been always fascinated by your hand jobs – he said.

He knew about her secret passion. After work she used to read the fortune from people’s hands.

- Would you like one now? – She asked.

- It’s too cold. Can I put them in your muff to warm them up? – He asked.

- Help yourself, its waiting for you right there, between legs… - She answered pointing between legs of big wooden Apache figure standing beside her bed. She used it to hang her stuff on it.

- Can I suck “U” – she asked.

Please yourself – He said, looking at her; reaching for little pretzel, shaped like letter “U”, lying on big plate with many other pretzels, each in a shape different - letter.

Dick couldn’t spell. He could even hardly read. It’s not surprising considering his mother being an idiot and his father an imbecile. He used to talk to his own penis, or even sing for it! He also used to dress himself as Dora the explorer and asked his wife to have sex with him dressed up as Indiana Jones. The only person who understood his struggle was priest from local parish. He suffered from extreme stutter. Nobody ever heard so many people swearing in the church in the same time, as during his masses, while giving speech…

- Do you like my rug? – She asked.

- Hmm… natural?

- Shaggy… - She answered.

They both looked at each other.

- Do you feel hot? – She asked.

- I do… - he said.

- Any idea what we can do about it? – she flirted with him.

- Here, give me your hand… can you feel it?

- That is a huge knob – she said – Am going to need both hands to deal with that!

She clenched both hands on the radiators knob. She turned the heating off. As she was doing it, he spotted little writing on her artificial hand. It said “Made in China”.

- New hand? – He asked.

- At least SOMEONE remember about my birthday! – She replied.

He was glad she had new hand. Old one was made of very cheap plastic. Couple of times her fingers melted when she leaned on the radiator or it got shrunk in a hot bath. Worst part of it was uncontrollable grip. In the past she strangled her favorite dog, cut off blood supply to a few penises, and got stuck in few vending machines.

But it had its good sides as well. If she wanted to get her nails done, she would simply leave it and pick it up later from beauty shop.

- Am gonna nail you so good! – Said Dick under his nose.

Saying that he took little Swiss army knife out from his pocket and with little hammer he hit the nail sticking out from the wall. He was nailing everything. With hammer now, with head in his childhood.

- You making me so wet! – said Beaver

- …sorry – said Dick realizing he just poured his drink over her shoulder – Anyway, Bonnie, it’s time to go, we have mystery waiting for us to solve it…


Chapter IV – the second murder, and why whisky smells bad.



Lord cockzilla looked through the window at the trees, meadows and beggars he was passing by in his carriage.

He checked if the door was shut and locked. Few months ago, some homeless guy went into the carriage when they stopped at red light. Poor lord was nearly beaten to death with his own wooden leg!

Door was safe this time.

Lord coczilla was thinking about his marriage. It was tearing apart...

His sex life was not the same anymore. 

He tried everything. Now, last chance left for him was sex ray, mysterious rays that supposed to improve sex life.

And then hopefully, get his marriage back on tracks. He tried things from the local sex shop, but only few times, as they didn’t work. 

What happened to him?

He used to be so popular among women. It’s true, he lost his virginity with a fruit, but the nature was very generous to him, they say that sometimes he needed specially constructed wheelchair for his erection. He could satisfy any female, even legendary baronesses Berta von Gingerbush, daughter of prominent businessman. People said that she had deepest throat in all country. Well, it’s possible considering her abnormally long neck. Apparently caused by, yet again, inexperienced midwife. 

She supposed to be the most perverted young lady with unusual sexual appetite. She liked dangerous games with safe words which worked fine as long as her hearing aid did... Her favourite safe word was:"Donaudampfschiffahrtselektrizitätenhauptbetriebswerkbauunterbeamtengesellschaft".

She had different lover every night, but yet still the same blood results...

Lord coczilla used to spend passionate nights with her. And she wasn’t actually bad looking... Apart from long neck, rather square head, and her Pinocchio like nose. Pinocchio - because It was made of wood. She lost her real nose during strange orgy with her Eskimo servant. Since then, every time she had cold she produced lots of resin.

She was unusually gifted candle maker. In spite of spending lots of hours on her knees every night, she wasn’t actually very religious.

She had also some dark side.

She liked to watch her staff being lynched or tortured with Britney Spears' songs. 

She preffered to wear navy uniform with admiral rank. 

Lord was both; madly in love and afraid of her.

One time when during foreplay he touched her private parts, something bit his hand so badly he ended up on antibiotics. 

What she had in there? Remains a mystery. 

He never tried again. Especially when one night he realized that yawning was actually not coming from her mouth!

He was absolutely terrified!

She proposed to try oral sex for a change. Worked fine until he switched the lights on. Why she insisted to wear horns on her head? She went mad when he asked her to take them off! Her face turned green and she was shouting in foreign languages. He found it very disturbing!

One time there was beeping noise coming from her private parts every morning about six o'clock. They both didn’t know what it was until her gynaecologist admitted that he lost his watch.


"Has lord cockzilla anything to do with the murder of sex shop owner?” thought detective Fitzwell. “At the end of the day, almost all payments were made by him; maybe he was trying to hide some dirty secrets? But what if someone was just using his money... He cannot write or read..."

Dick was working on solving mystery while Bonnie played on flute. He was getting more and more enoyed with her. She had no talent, couldn’t play or sing. Didn’t even know how to cook. One evening she cooked that thing... Soon he touched it with fork; it escaped from plate making squeaky noise. Or that moment when she was trying to freeze turkey, poor animal was fighting till the end in the freezer. She knew nothing about the kitchen.

As he was trying to concentrate, she was dancing across the room playing pure noise on that damn flute. It was strange, especially considering her long beard, she looked rather scary. 

Detective looked carefully around at Bonnie's walls. There was old oval mirror hanging in the corner of the room covered with spider’s web...

He looked at the mirror

- Bloody hell! I am a vampire! - He thought.

It turned out it was just empty mirror frame.

He went back to the desk.

- come here! -he shouted at Bonnie while looking at the monitor of sex shop's CCTV system.

On the screen there was tall shadowy figure clearly arguing with shop owner. Then suddenly, the figure takes huge artificial penis in hand and forces it into poor shop owners throat. Strangely he seems to be enjoying it first but then turns grey, and finally stops moving. 

Then the shadowy figure turns around...

- Oh my god! - said Dick

- Oh my Hare Krishna! - said Bonnie.

They were still in shock after what they saw... Then suddenly phone rang, scaring them both to death:

-... Seven days.... - said creepy voice.

- ... Ppppardon- said absolutely mortified detective.

- Seven... - the voice started to cough - ... Days, Dick. It’s me, your boss: colonel Pantzfarter. Sorry about my voice I just choked on cigar. Anyways, I am authorising your investigation for seven days, not more!

Detective wiped sweat off his forehead.


Big black clock was just

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