true pain </3

true pain </3 true pain </3

Status: Finished

Genre: True Confessions

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: True Confessions

Summary

real truth

Summary

real truth

Content

Submitted: July 24, 2012

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Content

Submitted: July 24, 2012

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I can’t seem to find a way out. It’s like this darkness has consumed me and everything I once was. The pain I feel is so unbearable, unreal. Nothing feels real anymore, not the happiness, the sadness. Its like a nightmare, a terrifying nightmare. The screams and the tears are just a way of coping. But it doesn’t go away. The way I act, the way I talk, the people I associate with are all lies. It’s not really me, just my demons finding a way to live through me. No matter how many times I cry out for help, beg for help, need help I find myself alone and fighting a battle I have been losing this whole time. Everytime I feel like I can be myself for one day something changes, something takes control and once again I feel like overwhelming sense of sadness and loneliness. That sufferable pain, the one that takes over your whole body; like a sea of darkness filling your body and with each inch it covers you can feel it. The way your body gets weak and tired, the way you just wanna give up and lay down… the way your heart begins to hurt and once the darkness has consumed your entire body it begins to control your mind. Allowing you to believe nothing is right in the world; showing all the bad, the pain and the suffering. Your heart feels the pain of others on top of your own, which makes the situation only worse because now you have no control, your whole prespective on life changed the moment the blackness filled your heart, the moment the chains circled around your heart, when the lock was attached, when you heard the click. The times where you find yourself searching everywhere for the key to unlock it and allow yourself to be free, to be happy; but nothing comes up, like the key never existed… a lock with no key. That would be the icing on top of the cake, right? A pain, an unbearable pain you had no escape of; that would make everything real, true and more of a reason to give up. Although you have people telling you to fight, to see the light, to believe in Gods ways, that he will save you when you need it the most. But you would think after years of suffering, after years of pain and tears. Of crying yourself to sleep, of a broken heart, of a terrible life he would have saved me? Everything I used to believe, everything I used to know is all so unclear now. Nothing I find in life seems to bring me to where I need to be, bring me to where I want to me. Wishing someone would pull me out, save me from everything I’m becoming or have become. Red lines,  blood dripping, the pain when the blade cuts through my skin, it’s like a small relief, for one small moment that peace I was looking for has opened it’s arms but when I go into them, the darkness returns along with the sadness and the pain. It hurts to the point it drops me to my knees and I yell out for the help I need, want, seek. I wish I could smile and say  ‘isn’t life great?’ without it having to be a lie but the truth. I used to seek happiness, do things for me, smile and not let the worries take control but for years that’s all it was. Pushing me further and further to the point where comfort was in a bottle of advil, a lonely day, a nightmare, a reality, my life, my demons, my secrets, my hidden memories all clashing, all erupting until I couldn’t take no more. A moment of freedom, of relief, of the end; the escape to the light, a journey for a better life all within a bottle that held little relief tablets, take one it will begin to open your heart, take more they’ll be the key to that lock, to those chains, to everything you seek. Freedom, a way to relieve yourself of the pain you feel, of the suffering you are bearing, the light to your sea of darkness, a rope to pull you out of your black hole. That’s what I saw, what I felt; not some girl who was so sad she didn’t wanna live anymore, one who never thought she was strong enough to fight a battle of ongoing wars, and not a girl who saw no reason to continue looking for the light that would save her soul and unbind her heart. People look at me and see utter beauty, a face of love, fire, desire, passion and sexuality. Eyes that could save a soul, eyes that could damn a soul; a smile that grabs at a man’s heart, one that no one would walk away from without complimenting on it or smiling back. That’s what people see, but when I look in the mirror I see a girl so lonely, so sad, a girl who doesn’t wanna be alive anymore because she has seen too much, felt too much. A girl who is sick of living without light, without happiness; with nothing to return too but her sea of blackness, her world of pain; it’s not even about what made her so hurt, so alone, so pained. It’s about what has held her in the darkness for so long and why she can’t get out, who or what is trapping her in such a place, why can’t she escape? Why can’t she find peace in the life she lives, why can’t she find happiness? Why is it her heart only feels pain, sees bad and only understands wrong? Why is it she can take the pain of razor blades being dug into her skin, why is it she can take the blood on her running down her body but she can’t take the pain her heart feels? When the pain is so much more than a little cut? Is this the world trying to tell her to cut deeper? To use something else? Maybe a knife? Maybe something is trying to tell her that it’s her time; her battle is over and she can lay down with a clean slate, a relief, a peace && serenity she only dreamed of. A happiness, a life she only seen in her dreams, a desire, a love, a new beginning with the one who she was created by. Maybe then she can understand why she was in so much pain, what his plan was for her. Maybe he is calling for her, trying to reach her, make her an angel for those who can’t escape the darkness that took their lives, turned their dreams into nightmares and turned reality into everything they feared. Maybe she’ll become their saviours because they desperately need one. More lives have been consumed by this sea or hatred, blackness, loneliness, pain, suffering, nightmarish hell. God is her creator, her father, she believes that with everything she has. She believes he has plans for everyone, and he does not tend to break anyone or lead them down a misleading path but even fathers have ways of letting their children down, so he is no better, no worse. His love for her is deep and unconditional she knows that but that doesn’t mean he won’t leave her with a pain in her heart, a suffering in her body. A hole so big it eats away everything within herself. Her heart feels black, cold, iced and chained. A chisel could never chisel away the ice that has built itself around her heart, a lock could never be found for the chains to be released. She can smile and she can laugh, she can look at someone and lie without people looking through her, or seeing her lies. No matter how many times she looks away to hide the tears that soon follow each lie. She has been strong for too long, pretending for as long as she can remember and now she wants to let go, break down, feel again, allow the tears to pour and the blood to run. Feel that relief, that beautiful serenity, to feel no more pain, to smile from the release and not because she feels she has too! But even then that means blowing her cover and allowing people to see her at her worse. She just wants to open herself up but not to the world, only to God. Show him the pain that has been created, let him into her mind, heart and let him take her into his world. Become his Angel, the saviour to those who are alone, suffering just like her. The ones who see the world for what it is and not for what people want to see, not for what they claim it to be. The ones who see the confusion, lies and betrayal within our countries, our entire world; the ones that know because they stopped thinking that life is beautiful and full of rainbows, but see it for the everyday wars, the battles between people, between countries, between the people and nature between themselves. The ones who like her see the bad, allow it into their lives and for one second want to rescue everyone because unlike them, their chance for a new beginning and happiness is  more reasonable, more attainable. More real and easy to find because they won’t have to be alone, not like them, not like her. She faced it with friends around but none that faced each day, each moment beside her, willing to shield her if she was about to be hit with a bullet, an arrow, anything that would knock her to her feet. No one willing to hold her when her tears would not stop, or walk beside her when things got way to rough for her to handle by herself, she has been alone for so much of it. Even now she finds herself alone, even though she has people beside her, willing to take her hand, wanting to bring her home. But they haven’t been there the whole journey, only when they have chosen to be, when they think it’s worth it, convenient to them rather than see that she Has been broken down and she kneels with bullet wounds and holes from where the arrows have struck her. She stands there with blood running from her arms, and legs from where the cuts have been reopened. She bears the scars of her pain, her heartache. She spends most of her time trying not to cry; she’ll save that for nighttime when she is alone and no one can hear her sobs, that way their hearts don’t have to hurt. Don’t have to feel sorry for her or pretend you like her, that way you don’t have to walk on egg shells to protect her feelings, worried you might make it worse. Always worrying if she might try taking her life because she is unstable, weak and nothing more, she can’t be more, she feels nothing, she’s like a zombie. Her eyes are tired from crying, she is tired of trying, and she is just tired. This has been a hard time. Suffering from everything she bottles within herself, all the pain she whispers to the world hoping someone out there hears it and feels the same, one who knows how it feels to be in a sea of blackness, to find comfort in blood, in the release of it all, to know she is alive and to let her escape for a moment, to remind her she wasn’t always like that. To take her to a moment when she was actually happy , years and years ago. Before the heartbreak, before her life was destroyed, before she watched everyone around her suffer, before she suffered. Before hatred came before love, before happiness came before sadness, before the world was so damned; before she was. Before she fell apart; before it all. She wanted a life she could be happy with, where people were proud and she never disappointed anyone, including herself. She just wanted to be someone she could look in the mirror and be proud of. But nothing she sees in that mirror is worth being proud of. Her stupid body , her curves, her love handles, her fat. She feels disgusted and ugly, she fakes her confidence when it comes to men, what they don’t know can’t hurt them… she’s a flirt and gets what she wants because she knows everything they desire. The way they want to be looked at, the smile that will melt them and the movements that will close them in. she knows men, she knows how to get them but that doesn’t make her feel beautiful or even wanted but for a moment she does, when his hands touch her, but when he leaves she’s back into her hole, but further down. More tears, even more loneliness and a hell of a lot of pain. She knows what happens but for once she needs to feel it, even though it won’t last. It makes her feel less alone; less ugly but more so afterwards. I guess she will never win, her heart will always be chains. Her eyes will always tired, and tears will always fall, her arms may never heal, blood will still run and the suffering may always be there. She lives in the darkness, to tired, too weak to find the light that will take her home. She’ll pray God will bring her to where she is needed, up in heaven with him, where she can save people like herself.


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