Surviving Goodbye

It's our last morning together, after some stolen time together in our cabin in the woods.  We've spent days being close--touching, whispering in the dark, making love with abandon, sleeping to our heart's content, cooking and eating great food, fishing, long walks through the woods and around the lake, canoeing, watching a movie or two while snuggled up together under a blanket, talking about everything, laughing, and even crying, but now our time is drawing to a close, and with heavy hearts we face another goodbye.

After much soul-searching and heart-to-heart discussions, you've decided--again--that you can't live with yourself and our relationship, that we can't keep doing this, as much as you wish we could.  Again, like so many times before, my heart breaks into a million pieces, and fear rises in me and grips me until I can hardly breathe, because I have no way of knowing if this is the time that it will really be goodbye forever, if this is the time you don't come running back to me, if this is the time that you find a way to become faithful and stay that way.  I muster all the strength I have in order to remain strong and not make it harder for you than it already is--to put you and your needs before my own--to remain loving toward you, even in heartbreak.  I bury my despair to deal with another time, out of your sight.  For this morning, all I want is to soak in every moment of you that I am able--to savor the sight and sound and feel of you close beside me and close in heart.

I watch you sleeping, naked, beside me, the sun not yet up, but the birds starting to chirp and begin their day.  I'm filled to beyond overflowing with love for you--with overwhelming, all-encompassing tenderness, admiration, even reverence, for the man I have loved, unwaveringly, for my entire adult life.  I hold my breath, trying to be as still and silent as possible, willing you to sleep, sleep, sleep there beside me, in my arms, for as long as possible, so I can soak in every possible second.  I close my eyes and listen to you breathe.  The cadence of your breathing is one of the most peaceful, lulling, secure sounds I have ever known.  I feel safe and at home by your side;  I feel happy and at peace by your side.Eyes still closed, I shift my focus from your breathing to the warmth of your skin against mine.  You are on your side, facing me, and I'm on my side facing you, and we are blissfully entangled in one another.  One of your arms is under my head, and the other hangs over my side.  One of my legs is over one of yours.  I have one arm draped over your hip. My breasts are pressed up against your lower chest, and the warmth of you radiates onto me and fills me.  A thought creeps in for a moment, but I rush to bury it back down: how can I survive letting go of him... again... when he is my world, my happiness, my hope, my life?Opening my eyes, I simply watch you, despite the dimness of the room, memorizing you so I can sustain myself as long as necessary by reliving this moment.

Small snippets of memories from the night before flash into my mind as I stare at your face: the way your perfect blue eyes looked into mine, filling me with the most agonizing mixture of love, longing and pain; the way your trembling voice sounded as you whispered your longing and love to me in the dark; the way your soft lips and tongue felt against mine, against my neck, all over my breasts, up and down my pussy until I screamed; the way you stared into my eyes and locked onto them--your soul connecting with mine as you entered me, took me, filled me.  My vision blurs as my eyes fill with tears, and I truly can't tell if they are from joy or agony.  I whisper the softest whisper ever uttered: "I love you so so much."

There is the smallest hint of light through the windows, now.  My heart begs for time to stand still, to let me live in this moment for hours, days, years.Too soon, you wake up.  Your eyes open, inches from mine.  Maybe your heart is too heavy, maybe you're too tired, or maybe you've already separated yourself from me emotionally, but whatever the reason, you don't meet my gaze, you don't hold me, you don't kiss me.  I feel the sting of loss in every part of me, as you get up without a word, walk to the bathroom, and shut the door.  I lie there with my heart racing, choking back tears, listening as you pee and start to brush your teeth.  When I hear the shower turn on, I jump up from the bed, quickly, my self-preserving instinct urging me to get out of the room, distance myself, go make breakfast, get anywhere but here... and yet I hesitate.  My more confident, hopeful, trustful side reminds me that this might be it, that it could be now or never, that I can either accept this distance or lay myself on the line to correct it and part with our closeness in tact.  I walk toward the bathroom door. I sneak quietly into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind me.  I walk slowly toward the shower, so hesitant, so fearful of finding indifference or distance or rejection when I reach you, but choosing to trust that I know you, and I know better.

When I open the shower door, peek in at you, and you meet my gaze, all the fear washes away in an instant.  Your eyes are bloodshot and pained with the emotions you're struggling to hold inside, yet you meet me with such openness, warmth and love in your eyes.  As you reach for me, as you pull me into the water with you, and so close against your body, you say "I thought you were sleeping."  I think how that explains a lot, and how very glad I am that I took the risk of coming to you.  I answer: "How could I possibly sleep?" You hold me, and I hold you, pressed so close it's hard to tell where you end and I begin.  The world falls away for a while; for these moments, it's just you and me.  For these few, wonderful moments we savor each other, cling to each other, and comfort each other as the warm water washes over our bodies.

My heart is yours, my body is yours, everything I am is yours for the breaking or taking, and all I want to do, while I still can, is show you exactly how much I love you, want you, need you and belong to you.  I want to leave you, if I have no choice but to leave you, with the perfect memory of being loved by me, in the most complete sense there is. I stand up on my tip-toes, and kiss you softly, slowly on the lips.  You kiss me back, and you let yourself truly, fully let go with me.  You close your eyes and surrender to the moment, and I can feel, so clearly the story your heart has to tell.  Your lips tell me of your want, your tongue speaks of your need, your breath and hands and trembling all tell me of your love and how very much you wish you didn't have to break my heart... again--and how much yours is breaking, too.  I echo back all these feelings and more, following you, letting you lead where I want you to take me, my heart and soul answering yes yes, yes to your every unspoken desire and hope and want and need and longing, for now, forever.  

We kiss that way, lost in each other, for an indescribably long time, until I gently pull back from you, breaking away from your lips and kissing my way slowly and deliberately down your body, down your neck, to your chest, down your stomach.  I slowly make my way to my knees, still kissing.  The water runs down my back as I take your hard cock in my hands.  I start at the base of your shaft, softly licking, going further downward, slowly, spending quality time gently licking and sucking your balls, then letting my tongue slide just a little bit lower, to that oh so soft, sensitive area.  Caressing there with my tongue, while my hand squeezes your cock and lets it know it hasn't been forgotten, I stay there a while, moving my tongue slowly, with perfect, gentle pressure.  And then, with one long, slow lick, my mouth reaches the head of your cock. My tongue twirls around the base of your head, starting to lick just below it, flicking my tongue across the tip, then slowly wrapping my soft, wet, hot lips around the head.  I suck you so slowly, so gently, not taking in any of the length of you just yet, but focusing on gently, slowly, sucking the head.  Still sucking, I tilt my head slightly so I can peek up at your face.  I want to see how much you enjoy me. I want to be able to remember the sight of you accepting me and how very much you enjoy what I am giving to you.  My green eyes flash up at you, locking onto yours.

The sight of me down there, giving to you, loving you with everything that I am, overwhelms you, and a long, low moan of emotion, sadness and desire escapes you. The sight of you looking down at me as I pleasure you is enough to make me gush with wetness and pulse with desire in my most intimate areas, but your moan shatters any semblance of control I have in me.  I am on autopilot as I turn to putty in your hands. You brace your back against the wall of the shower as I move on you, enveloping you, devouring you.  You stare into my eyes, and you almost wish I couldn't read your mind in this moment, but mostly you are glad--because the fullness of the truth passing between us is too much for words to ever capture.  As I swirl my tongue around the head of your cock again, and start to suck you harder and deeper, you reach down and put a hand on my head, winding your fingers into my very wet hair.  The more I tease you, the tighter your grip gets, so I suck harder, and harder still.  Then, suddenly, I go down hard and fast, taking the entire length of your hard, wanting cock deep into the back of my throat, and I stay there.  More groans from you, and louder now --  my trembling into putty uncontrollable as I listen to your pleasure.  I stay there with your cock so deep in my throat, then up and back down quickly, deep-throating you a few times, before slowly letting your cock slip out of my mouth.  Again I take hold of you, and with your hand still in my hair,  my mouth goes back to work, sucking and licking you, savoring every inch of you.  As my head bobs up and down your shaft, your hips start to meet my mouth, and as my pace quickens, so does the rhythm of your hips pressing toward me, your hand in my hair helping to guide us in perfect rhythm.  I steal looks up at you as often as I can, every sight of you a snapshot for me to keep in my heart and memory forever.  I can see your enjoyment, so I start working the whole length of you, sucking harder, while massaging your shaft with my tongue as I move.  I feel your cock growing larger and harder in my mouth, and I know what that means, but I don't want you to cum yet.  I don't want this time with you to be over--I want to savor you a while longer.  So I stop.  Just for a moment I stare up at you, my mouth unoccupied, licking my lips as my hand finds and squeezes your throbbing, needing, over-hard cock.

I smile a teasing smile, as I get up off my knees, stand up, turn, face away from you, bend over, and brace my body with my hands against the shower wall.  At the sight of how swollen my pussy is for you, how inviting it is, and how in need it is of your cock, you waste no time at all.  You slide the tip of your cock up and down my wet opening, letting it just almost, but not quite, slide inside, then you take my hips in both of your hands, and with one firm thrust, you drive your huge throbbing cock so deep into my tight, wet, wanting pussy, making me scream out in pleasure.  You pull out soooo slowly, before pounding deep into me again.  And again.  And again.  Then, bending over my body with yours, you grab one of my wrists from the shower wall and pull it back toward my hip, then you do the same with the other hand as well.  You have both of my wrists gripped tightly in your hands, pulling them backward toward you, and in so doing, you have absolute and complete control over me in away I have never imagined or experienced.  And I am utterly dizzy and intoxicated with the realization of what is happening.  There's truly nowhere else I would rather be, than in this place of complete and absolute surrender to you, your love, your lust, your body, your thrusting.  You use my arms to support me, to hold me close, and to pull me back toward you, and at the same time you thrust your hips forward to drive your cock deeper and deeper into my pussy, making me scream out with each and every thrust.  My orgasm builds, as my pussy tightens and pulses around your cock, drawing you deeper into me and coaxing you closer to your own climax.  Even though I so desperately want to make it last, it doesn't take long at all before I can't hold back any longer, and the orgasm shakes and racks my body, my screams of pleasure loud and intense, my emotions pouring out and mixing with my pleasure in the form of the most intense orgasm of my entire life.

Very soon you can't take it anymore.  You hold back as long as you possibly can, but my sounds send you over the edge, and with the hardest thrust yet, you bury your cock soooo deep inside me and explode with abandon, filling my hot, tight, wet, spasming, orgasming pussy with your cum.  Your sounds kill me, making my climax last soooo long.  My pussy walls tighten, massage and milk your cock, squeezing it almost like a gentle hand as you pump your juices into me.  My body wants every last drop of you with desperation, to keep and hold inside of me, a bit of you I do not have to let go.  I am so grateful to the shower water washing over me, for mixing with and masking the tears that are pouring from my eyes, all my defenses down.  I turn and cling to you, sobs shaking me.

Your mouth finds mine, hungrily, and we kiss until we come down from our high enough to stand on our own. We spend a long time washing ourselves, and each other, exploring, enjoying, and memorizing every square inch of each other.  It is sweet, intimate, close, and oh, so fun. When we're clean, and rinsed, and wrinkled and shriveled like prunes from such a long shower, I realize that it's time, but that I will never be "ready" to leave you, that I will never be "ready" to gracefully walk away from you and that dragging it out and showing you my pain is cruel.  I wrap my arms so tight around you, pull you close against me, and hold my breath, focusing on letting myself feel your heart beating in your chest one more time, feeling your life coursing through your veins, cherishing you, loving you with every fiber of my being.

I kiss you one last overly-desperate time, cutting it short, lest the despair in me start to seep out.  I pull back, look into your beautiful, sweet, loving, kind, perfect, sad, blue eyes for a second or two.  Then I lean forward and right before I start to speak, I realize that it isn't at all like the movies, or like stories or emails or texts--  that there won't be any speeches, because I will only have one breath--just a few words--before I lose my composure.  I will have to make my words count.  I put my lips to your ear, and I whisper, simply:  "I will love you, always."

I turn quickly, leave the shower, dry myself, and leave the bathroom.  You dry yourself, shave, comb your hair, and get dressed.  You leave the bathroom, dreading the pain and tears of parting.  You walk back into the bedroom we shared, and as soon as you see the breakfast plate, and the envelope on the bed, you realize with a heavy heart that I've already gone.  That I couldn't face saying goodbye.  

The cabin is so quiet now.  You stand there  in the silence, numb, wondering if this is really how it has to be, questioning if you really and truly can live without me actively loving you, supporting you, helping you, lifting you up, being there for you, caring for you, wanting you, needing you, sharing your days, your life, every day.

The sun is bright in the room now.  The imprints of our heads are still pressed into the pillows.  The sheets are still rumpled and tossed from our sex.  The food I made for you still warm on the plate, the ink on the envelope barely dry.  You can almost reach out and pull me back I was here so recently, and every single fiber and thought in you wants to do exactly that.

You take your plate and the envelope to the porch.  In the beautiful morning, with birds singing, you read my letter as you eat:

"Love of my Life,

I couldn't bear to say goodbye.  I couldn't risk begging and pleading with you to keep me, let me stay, and never let me go.  I couldn't risk the meltdown and tears.  And I knew if I tried to say goodbye face to face, the words in my heart wouldn't find their way to your ears, and I need them to be heard.  So here I am back where I am able to make sense -- the written word.  

I WILL love you, always.  Know it, hold that truth in your heart, and never doubt it.  I will love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely, and endlessly. I hunger for you in ways that even you might find shocking. I want to kiss and lick and suck every part of you.  I want to make you gasp and faint and be completely unable to stop yourself from begging for more of me.  I want to pleasure you until you literally weep for the joy and ecstasy of  me, and then I want to dry every passion-rendered tear with my lips, before starting all over again, finding entirely new ways to bring you to new heights.

If you only knew how constantly and desperately I crave the taste of you on my tongue, and how frequently I bring the memory of your flavor to my mind, licking my lips for the want of you.  I long to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you every day, every hour. I want to drink from you as though you were my only sustenance.

I want you strong and relentless above me, as surely as I crave to be soft and yielding beneath you, on my back at the mercy of your need and my own. I cannot stop thinking of it -- your arms around me, my legs wrapped around you. Your mouth giving me every one of your breaths as we melt into each other. In truth, I desire too much of you. An entire lifetime of nights spent with you between my thighs would not be enough to damp the fire I have for you.

I want to talk with you forever. I remember. every. single. word. you've. ever. said. to. me. and keep each and every one of them in the vault of my heart as my most valuable secret weapon -- fueled on just the memories of your honest, open, loving, giving words, I can accomplish anything, defeat any foe, overcome any challenge and survive any defeat.  Even this one.

I crave to learn your every private and secret place and thought and memory and fear, and stay forever in that trust. I yearn to comfort you in your darkest hours, and soothe your deepest wounds.  I long to ease your burdens, to take the weight from your shoulders onto my own, to pick up the slack when you need a break, to lay you down and ease you into much-needed rest when you are weary. I daydream of how the simplest, most mundane things would become magic with you. I want to give to you anything and everything your heart, mind, body, or soul desires, every day, in every way.

You may or you may never be able to claim me by the light of day, but you know without a single doubt that I'll always be yours, that my lips will always be yours and no one else's to kiss and suck and nibble, that my hands and my fingers were made only to touch you and tease you and please you, that my throat and my tongue exist only to accept you, envelop you, and give to you, and that every single bit of the rest of me, every curve and nerve of my body, every beat of my heart, and the fullness and depth of my soul, are yours, wholly yours, completely yours.  I will be waiting for you, wanting you, missing you, loving you, and only you, no matter how long you walk away from me.

You would say it's wrong to feel this way. You would say I cannot, we cannot. But I'd then tell you that some things can't be measured by time alone. It's been over twenty years, yet my love and passion and patience for you seem to have only just begun. Ask for me an hour from now. Ask for me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime -- the answer will never change, because the way I love you is immovable and will outlast every clock, every calendar, every civilization, every universe, every dimension.

I will love you, always.

Yours, always and forever,
--Ash"