Even in the Darkness

Even in the Darkness

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Summary

My name is Arlington Andcis and I am the author of Even in the Darkness. The story is important, the writer is not. The first time I met Matty, the story’s main character, he said to me, “Life is too far to walk alone. But I’m still walking.” I looked at him for quite a while trying to figure out what he meant. Then he said, “I’ve been walking alone ever since that day.” Then Matty turned his face away from me and looked out the window so I wouldn’t see him cry. But I did not have to see his face to know that he was crying. As quickly as the tears started they stopped. Before I could say anything else, Matty said, “I had a dream last night.” “You want to tell me about it?” I said. Matty took an extremely long pause. Then he smiled. “I dreamed about this beautiful chocolate man. He was everything I was not - - everything. And he wasn’t everything I had already had. I was so stunned by the masculine beauty of this man that my arms ached for him when I awoke. [Pause] I can still smell him all over my body. [Pause] You know Arlington, before I agreed to let you write this book all my dreams were nightmares.” As long as I have known Matty, I never knew that he was harboring all the hurts of his past in his 6’1, 225 athletic built frame with a handsome face and a smile that would light up the darkest room, no holds barred. Sexy, erotic, even pornographic is how some have described the story of Even in the Darkness. But for Matty, the story is none of the above. Even in the Darkness is the not so simple story of abuse. It is an erotic, funny, painful, and long lasting novel that is based on true events of Matty Pottishear’s life. Matty decided to tell his story of growing up gay and black in the south, except that Matty didn’t even know if he was gay, until... To use his own words, “I don’t know if I was lead, pushed, stumbled into, and just thrown into gaydom. But once I arrived I didn’t know how to turn back or if that was even possible. I still don’t know.” And these feelings were never stirred up in Matty until he was betrayed by his then best friend, but Matty would never tell anyone that despite the truth of it all. After his abuse began, Matty began to flounder – in life. He started believing God truly did not want him. The abuse stunted his growth which was only furthered by his own silence. Now, Matty was stuck in between two worlds, except that both worlds were now extinct – except in Matty’s mind –but no less real. But I am getting ahead of myself. Matty’s story begins, where else, but with his parents. The magnanimous love story of Matty’s parents has been his stabilizing force since as long as he can remember. But the story comes at a price. So I must warn you that this book changes as Matty changes – from happiness to darkness, asexual to sexual, and the entire gamut in between it all. He became a drug addict before he even got to high school – but not a single soul ever knew, except for his secret lover. And Matty was having more sex than he could have ever wanted. And this is only the beginning! Matty’s life is sexy and sexual, full of drama and drugs. But his life is also traditional, Southern, black, church-going, and centered on his family. Yes, Matty is gay, straight, confused, and abused. But he is also faithful to everyone, except himself. He had no one in his corner rooting for him but him – no one to support him, to be proud of him, to cheer for him – they all died before Matty reached that crucial period, which was part of the reason he joined the military. Except that the military was no better. In fact, it was worse because Matty was before don’t ask don’t tell. “You know my grandma used to always tell me that storms don’t ever come to stay, but if she was here, Arlington I would tell her that she was wrong. My roof sprung a leak a long time ago and my house has been flooded ever since.” The day ended the same way it started – with Matty staring out the dirty window of the diner with a tear rolling down his left cheek.

Summary

My name is Arlington Andcis and I am the author of Even in the Darkness. The story is important, the writer is not.

The first time I met Matty, the story’s main character, he said to me, “Life is too far to walk alone. But I’m still walking.” I looked at him for quite a while trying to figure out what he meant. Then he said, “I’ve been walking alone ever since that day.” Then Matty turned his face away from me and looked out the window so I wouldn’t see him cry. But I did not have to see his face to know that he was crying.

As quickly as the tears started they stopped. Before I could say anything else, Matty said, “I had a dream last night.”

“You want to tell me about it?” I said.

Matty took an extremely long pause. Then he smiled. “I dreamed about this beautiful chocolate man. He was everything I was not - - everything. And he wasn’t everything I had already had. I was so stunned by the masculine beauty of this man that my arms ached for him when I awoke. [Pause] I can still smell him all over my body. [Pause] You know Arlington, before I agreed to let you write this book all my dreams were nightmares.”

As long as I have known Matty, I never knew that he was harboring all the hurts of his past in his 6’1, 225 athletic built frame with a handsome face and a smile that would light up the darkest room, no holds barred.

Sexy, erotic, even pornographic is how some have described the story of Even in the Darkness. But for Matty, the story is none of the above. Even in the Darkness is the not so simple story of abuse. It is an erotic, funny, painful, and long lasting novel that is based on true events of Matty Pottishear’s life.

Matty decided to tell his story of growing up gay and black in the south, except that Matty didn’t even know if he was gay, until... To use his own words, “I don’t know if I was lead, pushed, stumbled into, and just thrown into gaydom. But once I arrived I didn’t know how to turn back or if that was even possible. I still don’t know.” And these feelings were never stirred up in Matty until he was betrayed by his then best friend, but Matty would never tell anyone that despite the truth of it all.

After his abuse began, Matty began to flounder – in life. He started believing God truly did not want him. The abuse stunted his growth which was only furthered by his own silence. Now, Matty was stuck in between two worlds, except that both worlds were now extinct – except in Matty’s mind –but no less real.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

Matty’s story begins, where else, but with his parents. The magnanimous love story of Matty’s parents has been his stabilizing force since as long as he can remember. But the story comes at a price. So I must warn you that this book changes as Matty changes – from happiness to darkness, asexual to sexual, and the entire gamut in between it all.
He became a drug addict before he even got to high school – but not a single soul ever knew, except for his secret lover. And Matty was having more sex than he could have ever wanted.

And this is only the beginning!

Matty’s life is sexy and sexual, full of drama and drugs. But his life is also traditional, Southern, black, church-going, and centered on his family. Yes, Matty is gay, straight, confused, and abused. But he is also faithful to everyone, except himself. He had no one in his corner rooting for him but him – no one to support him, to be proud of him, to cheer for him – they all died before Matty reached that crucial period, which was part of the reason he joined the military. Except that the military was no better. In fact, it was worse because Matty was before don’t ask don’t tell.

“You know my grandma used to always tell me that storms don’t ever come to stay, but if she was here, Arlington I would tell her that she was wrong. My roof sprung a leak a long time ago and my house has been flooded ever since.”

The day ended the same way it started – with Matty staring out the dirty window of the diner with a tear rolling down his left cheek.

Chapter1 (v.1) - Even in the Darkness

Author Chapter Note

My name is Arlington Andcis and I am the author of Even in the Darkness. The story is important, the writer is not. The first time I met Matty, the story’s main character, he said to me, “Life is too far to walk alone. But I’m still walking.” I looked at him for quite a while trying to figure out what he meant. Then he said, “I’ve been walking alone ever since that day.” Then Matty turned his face away from me and looked out the window so I wouldn’t see him cry. But I did not have to see his face to know that he was crying. As quickly as the tears started they stopped. Before I could say anything else, Matty said, “I had a dream last night.” “You want to tell me about it?” I said. Matty took an extremely long pause. Then he smiled. “I dreamed about this beautiful chocolate man. He was everything I was not - - everything. And he wasn’t everything I had already had. I was so stunned by the masculine beauty of this man that my arms ached for him when I awoke. [Pause] I can still smell him all over my body. [Pause] You know Arlington, before I agreed to let you write this book all my dreams were nightmares.” As long as I have known Matty, I never knew that he was harboring all the hurts of his past in his 6’1, 225 athletic built frame with a handsome face and a smile that would light up the darkest room, no holds barred. Sexy, erotic, even pornographic is how some have described the story of Even in the Darkness. But for Matty, the story is none of the above. Even in the Darkness is the not so simple story of abuse. It is an erotic, funny, painful, and long lasting novel that is based on true events of Matty Pottishear’s life. Matty decided to tell his story of growing up gay and black in the south, except that Matty didn’t even know if he was gay, until... To use his own words, “I don’t know if I was lead, pushed, stumbled into, and just thrown into gaydom. But once I arrived I didn’t know how to turn back or if that was even possible. I still don’t know.” And these feelings were never stirred up in Matty until he was betrayed by his then best friend, but Matty would never tell anyone that despite the truth of it all. After his abuse began, Matty began to flounder – in life. He started believing God truly did not want him. The abuse stunted his growth which was only furthered by his own silence. Now, Matty was stuck in between two worlds, except that both worlds were now extinct – except in Matty’s mind –but no less real. But I am getting ahead of myself. Matty’s story begins, where else, but with his parents. The magnanimous love story of Matty’s parents has been his stabilizing force since as long as he can remember. But the story comes at a price. So I must warn you that this book changes as Matty changes – from happiness to darkness, asexual to sexual, and the entire gamut in between it all. He became a drug addict before he even got to high school – but not a single soul ever knew, except for his secret lover. And Matty was having more sex than he could have ever wanted. And this is only the beginning! Matty’s life is sexy and sexual, full of drama and drugs. But his life is also traditional, Southern, black, church-going, and centered on his family. Yes, Matty is gay, straight, confused, and abused. But he is also faithful to everyone, except himself. He had no one in his corner rooting for him but him – no one to support him, to be proud of him, to cheer for him – they all died before Matty reached that crucial period, which was part of the reason he joined the military. Except that the military was no better. In fact, it was worse because Matty was before don’t ask don’t tell. “You know my grandma used to always tell me that storms don’t ever come to stay, but if she was here, Arlington I would tell her that she was wrong. My roof sprung a leak a long time ago and my house has been flooded ever since.” The day ended the same way it started – with Matty staring out the dirty window of the diner with a tear rolling down his left cheek.

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: July 11, 2013

Reads: 654

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Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: July 11, 2013

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Chapter 9

 

Now that the distractions of Sista was out of his way, Matty turned back into Sadie’s loving, happy, gentle child.

His relationship with Paris grew to the point where Matty was living a double life.

His life outside of school was quickly becoming more interesting than his life in school. But it was an emotional separation and it didn’t involve the chaos that Matty was used to having with Sista and her family.

 In school he started to calm down and became more organized, open, and care-free.

He was happier than he had ever been which was aided by the fact that he had grown taller and was much thinner than ever before.

Matty used to be so happy on the bus ride home, after all of the bullying ended and he entered the post-Sista era of his life, he would be downright giddy come Friday.

Then something happened in school that made him tell Paris what he didn’t want him to know, at least part of it anyway.

They had the radio playing the Friday night jams and they had enough money between the two of them to purchase reefer and the necessary requisite snacks.

“Paris, before we start smoking or doing anything else I need to tell you something while I have the courage to do it.”

“Oh shit, this sounds serious.” He sat the plastic bag down.

They had graduated from the gold bag to the larger plastic bag.

Paris grabbed his cigarettes, which he always did when he was nervous or upset.

Matty sat there that night and told Paris some of what JPH had done to him.

“Okay, here is what I don’t understand. I have been asking you this for months. So why are you telling me this now?”

 “A few weeks ago JPH and his old sidekick were both transferred to my high school. His former sidekick was not that bad. And not bad looking either. I actually liked him and he was cordial. But JPH ignored me and acted like he had never met me before.”

The other day I was walking down the hall and he yelled out, “Fag,” although there was no one around but me and him.

“That fat-ass, perverted, slob, who I hear is now a drug addict, had the nerve to call me names.”

Paris looked at me for a while. “Wow child. No wonder you are so confused. I know you wanted to come out the closet, but damn I did not mean literally.”

They started laughing.

“Look Matty, the only reason he is saying that shit to you is because you remind him of what he is. And the problem with that is that he is scared you would tell somebody else what he did so he is trying to get an advantage on you before you do.”

Then Paris floated off into a completely different language that left Matty with no idea what he was talking about. But that night it was okay. Besides, Matty had said enough real talk for the both of them.

They both just sat there the remainder of the night.

Neither one of them wanted to talk very much anymore.

That was fine by Matty.

So they started getting high, higher than Matty had ever gotten before.

Suddenly he needed to get high, Matty told himself.

Matty didn’t see Paris for a couple of weeks after that. Frankly, he was too embarrassed to face him.

That’s when Paris got up the nerve to start calling Matty at home, which eventually helped him win over his mother - - some.

“Listen child. I think it is time you get out of this funk you are in. Let’s go to the club Friday night.”

“Club?”

“Yea the club. You have heard of a nightclub before?”

“What kind of club?” Matty was whispering because he didn’t want his mother to hear.

“A dance club.”

“We aren’t old enough to get into a club.”

“You let me worry about that.”

“Okay. It’s decided, we are going to the club on Friday. You are going and don’t wear any of your preppy, school-boy clothes. Wear something relaxing and cool.”

“Cool?”

“Hip Matty, in style, like the glass heels.”

“You mean the ones I don’t have anymore?”

Before Matty could say another word, he heard a dial tone.

Matty was nervous the whole week. It took him until midweek to build up the nerve to finally ask his mother if he could hang out a little later on Friday night.

His mother was never one to give a quick answer.

So Matty had to brace himself for an unbelievably long wait.

He asked her right after breakfast, as soon as had brothers headed out to do only God-knows-what. That way he didn’t have to deal with any outside voices from the gallery trying to influence her decision just to spite him, although their mother was always independent and made up her own mind.

“Damn, why didn’t I have my mother’s strength?” Matty asked heaven.

But she surprised him and came back with a quick and positive response.

Matty didn’t dare ask why.

He kissed her on the cheek, something she hated, and ran into his bedroom to try and find something cool to wear out to his first club adventure.

“Don’t make this a habit and you better be home by 2 am, and not a moment later.”

Friday night came and Matty walked around to Paris’ house after he got dressed.

“2 am Matty,” was the last thing he heard his mother say.

When he got to Paris’ house there was an air of excitement about the night. Matty had dreaded this all week, but now he was actually looking forward to it.

Paris took one look at what he was wearing, and said “We can’t all start out with a perfect ensemble. We can’t do anything about that now.”

Matty looked just like a confused puppy with his head slightly cocked to the right and he was staring at Paris for answers.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

Matty thought they were going to get in a car.

They didn’t. They set out walking.

“We are going to walk to the club?”

Paris started laughing. “I keep forgetting I have to teach you everything.”

They walked about three or four blocks to another house in the back hole (common name to residents for back part of the neighborhood) to another street where Matty had never been before.

Matty wanted to ask questions, but it just didn’t seem like questions were welcomed.

So he kept his mouth shut – yet again – and went along with the plan.

“Paris you do realize that I don’t like surprises right?”

“Hey Gail.”

Paris said to the girl who answered the door.

It was Matty’s first time ever meeting or seeing her.

“You ready?” Paris asked her.

“Not yet child. I am still trying to convince my mother to let my father take us to the club.”

She spoke so fast Matty heard absolutely nothing in the middle of her sentence. All he heard were the bookends, the first word and the last word.

No sooner were the words out of her mouth had Paris jumped into action.

First he introduced everybody to Matty.

He actually told them a little more than Matty would have preferred, such as he was the new kid in the neighborhood, he stayed stuck up in the house all the time, he didn’t know no body, this was his first time ever going to a club, and that he needed to go out to learn how to be more sociable.

And he said it all in one breath without even coming up for air.

Gail’s parents started laughing.

 And then he went into this elaborate sales pitch.

Within minutes they were in the backseat of Gail’s father’s car – on their way to the club – the Disco 9000. But Gail’s parents called it, “The Disco Nine Hundred.”

Matty had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

When they got to the club, Matty’s first surprise was that it was so close to their neighborhood.

They really could have walked if they had to. But apparently it wasn’t cool to arrive at the club walking.

But Matty still couldn’t help but try to figure out how cool it was to be dropped off at the front door and then for your ride to drive away, if you weren’t riding in a limousine. And although Gail’s parents had a nice car, it was no limousine.

Anyway, when Matty saw the building, he immediately remembered passing that building many times on the school bus and in the car with his mother.

It was such a nondescript building sitting in such an obvious location that made it the perfect spot for a nightclub. Others clearly thought the same thing because the parking lot was completely full.

In fact cars were double and triple parked. And there were more cars parked as far as the eye could see on every side street within a four-block radius.

Matty didn’t know how Gail did it, but once they got to the front door, the check-in clerk let them in without them having to pay a dime, which was a good thing for Matty, at least, because he had not thought about needing money not once the entire week.

Then came the obligatory “feel you up” as Paris described it with a smile.

Each one had to be patted down by this guy who was blocking the final entry into the club.

Paris quickly jumped in front of Matty and Gail with a devilish grin.

When Matty’s turn came, he was too busy looking around to notice that it was both his turn to be felt up and that he was taking a little longer to pat him down than he did with the rest of the entourage.

But when Matty stopped looking around like a tourist, the glaring lights hit his face just enough for Matty to see his patter-upper clearly for a moment.

He was already staring into Matty’s face. Then he smiled when they were finally focused on each other.

The crowd behind Matty was getting restless to get into the club, and he actually felt someone push him on through the door.

Once inside the club, Matty didn’t know what to think.

There was this elevated dance floor in the middle of the club. It was a glass floor with lights flashing underneath the glass. There was no room for another single person on the floor but people were steadily streaming to the floor. So too was Paris and Gail.

What Matty heard in the background was, “You can ring my bell, ring my bell, my bell. Ding. Dong. Ding.”

Matty couldn’t help but stare at everything and everyone while the music was blasting in the background. It was an experience beyond compare.

People were drinking, smoking, laughing, hugging, and kissing. Matty was totally amazed.

As loud as the music was blasting a person could still hear the rancor of the crowd over the music, and there Matty was looking completely out of place, soaking it all in like a sponge.

There was every kind of person imaginable in that place - tall women, short women, fat women, skinny women, and every kind in between.

There was no lack of the male species either. Suits that looked like some of the suits he saw in church on last Sunday along with hats, canes, jeans, some short and some long, and almost any other kind of fashion imaginable was also on display in the club that night.

Ten songs later, Paris and Gail were still on the dance floor.

Matty was smiling because it was nice to know that fat people had rhythm too, and staying power, at least on the dance floor. And Paris had all of that and then some.

In the meantime, while they were still dancing, older women were offering Matty drinks and older men were trying to corner him to whisper things in his ear he had never heard before, even with his experiences.

Despite his militant attempts to fight off these temptations, his body was excited by the prospects.

But he wasn’t completely stupid, he knew that he was only enjoying the attention, even if it was fleeting and for all the wrong reasons. Still it was nice to be the apple of someone’s eye, even if both the apple and the eye were flawed.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a strange hand grabbed Matty’s and was dragging him down a short but secluded hallway into the back of the club.

But there was no fear attached.

This stranger led Matty into a surprisingly quiet office. He could feel the vibrations of the beat, but the sound was muted.

It was the guy who had patted him down on entry into the club.

“Alfred,” he said with an extended hand.

“Matty,” he said shaking this welcoming hand that was twice as big as his and twice as strong.

“Matty.” He said with this beautifully captivating smile. “You look too smart to be hanging out on a Friday night.”

“You don’t want to know,” Matty said looking around the office.

“This is your first time in a club isn’t it?”

“Is it that obvious? It’s interesting and all, but I am not sure I want to repeat the experience.”

They were both laughing. Then it happened.

Right in the middle of their laughter, Alfred kissed Matty.

Although every muscle in Matty’s body fought hard to resist Alfred, he just didn’t want him to stop.

Matty had no choice but to stand on his tiptoes in order to wrap his arms around his neck, and give in to the desire.

If Alfred was forbidden fruit, Matty had just bitten off a huge chunk. And worse yet, his kiss, this kiss, tasted like sweet nectar.

But as quickly as Matty gave in to him – this masculine, well-built, fully formed man –his body became as stiff as a board.

That’s the funny thing about desire, once you give in to the lust of it, it is immediately followed with guilt.

Matty pushed Alfred away just as the door opened.

“Breaks over man.”

No words were necessary between him and Alfred because they had shared more than words could ever say.

But Matty’s body was screaming inside for him to say or do something.

“Where have you been?” Paris asked as he approached Matty walking back down the hallway through the fog, mostly in his brain, although there was a fog machine running in the club also.

 “Nowhere,” Matty said trying to turn the conversation. “Ya’ll are soaking wet.”

He had to change the subject because he didn’t know how to lie, and he didn’t really know Gail well enough to tell the truth.

“I know. The club is hot tonight,” Paris said.

“What time is it?”

“It’s 1:30.”

“Shit, ya’ll I’ve got to go.”

“Okay, we’ve got time for one more dance.”

Love-ove-ove, tau-au-au-ght me, who was, who was, who was the boss,” were the words blasting across the club.

Then as quickly as it all started, it was all over.

The music had turned into slow-dancing tunes. The lights weren’t flashing so fast now. People were headed for the door. Matty’s heart was racing.

He pounced on Paris as soon as he and Gail got off the dance floor.

“How are we going to get home?”

“Child, you worry too damn much. Bring your ass on,” Paris replied.

They walked out the doors like it was no big deal.

Matty was prepared to start walking the short trek.

They walked over to a shiny, black, two-door, T-top Trans-Am. The door was open.

Matty looked at Paris.

He looked at Matty and said, “So whatcha you gone do just stand there?”

That was all the push Matty needed.

He crawled across the back seat to take his place behind the driver’s seat. It was tight, but who was he to complain.

Paris was beside him. Gail was in the front.

They just sat there for a few minutes.

Then the driver’s side door opened. Matty’s mouth and heart dropped.

“Sorry about that,” Alfred said.

Gail was smiling like a chess cat and so was Paris.

All Matty wanted to do was get out of this car. It felt like the car was closing in on him.

“Who goes home first?”

Matty shouted, “Me.”

Alfred cut his eyes at Matty in the rearview mirror and reached around and grabbed his left leg with his left hand and he would not let go.

“Yea, that’s cool take him home first,” Gail said.

Paris grabbed Matty’s right hand like he didn’t want him to go. This time the puppy was gone. Matty knew exactly what he wanted.

This was all too much for Matty.

He was confused all over again.

When they pulled into Matty’s driveway at exactly 2 am, Alfred reluctantly opened the door to let him out.

It was a two-door car, so as he was moving the seat, he managed to kiss Matty on his right cheek, without being seen, as he crawled out of his backside position.

Matty tried to pretend it didn’t happen but Alfred was too irresistible to ignore.

Still, he refused to look back. They set in the driveway for a good three or four minutes after Matty closed the back door before they pulled off.

“Matty?”

He knew he was going to get a beating. He did not even try to offer his mother an explanation.

He just prepared himself for the inevitable.

“Just in the nick of time.”

That, he was not expecting.

The next morning at breakfast his mother dropped the hammer.

“Don’t ask me again about going out that late anytime again soon. That experiment worried me too much.”

What she didn’t know is that was fine with Matty because he was already tired of that experiment.

His brother’s just looked at him and shook their heads.

Matty just kept eating his oatmeal so that he could go and watch Saturday morning cartoons.

There were about two weeks left in school and then it would be summer.

“It’s going to be a boring summer,” Matty said.

A few days later he was at his second neighborhood hangout. Partly because it was the only place his mother would let him go, and in part, it was the only place where he wasn’t embarrassed to be seen.

In truth, it was a place Matty also hated to visit because it was such a happy place, the complete opposite of their house. No matter when anyone would go to this house laughter greeted them at the door, notwithstanding the fact that there were twice as many children and adults in their house.

Yea, anyone who knew Matty knew he was jealous.

But he loved every single one of them.

He loved them all so much he made himself a total nuisance.

If they were gingerbread cookies, Matty would have eaten them all up in one sitting.

Yet somehow he was able to forge a special bond with every single member of the household. And though he hated going to their house because it was so happy, once he got there, he would stay all day long.

In fact, their mom used to have to force him to go home.

Anyway, this particular day, Matty was surprised when he got there because there was no one at home but their mom. This had never happened before.

Even though it was shocking, at the time he did not think much about it. He just enjoyed the fact that he had her all to himself. He especially loved her.

She was a tall, light-walnut complexioned, beautiful woman, inside and out.

She was young, young-spirited, mentally astute, and had the most inviting personality. Matty had never in his life met a woman who had it together in every single way possible, outside of his mother.

But Banya was different from his mother. Matty couldn’t put his finger on it but they were just different.

Since Banya rarely had time to herself, if ever, though she never seemed to mind – Matty asked her, “Do you want me to go home?”

“No,” she said. “You can stay.”

Matty was so happy because Banya was the closest woman to a second mother, if ever he had one. He was closer to her than he was to many of his own family members.

It was wonderful to be in her presence and not have to have forced conversation.

Matty could not recall quite how the subject came up but they started talking about religion.

And Matty asked her about a specific group, a group that many have seen knocking on doors in their own neighborhoods, especially on Saturday mornings.

“I remember how it started,” Matty said.

Matty asked Banya about this strange building in the neighborhood that a lot of people who did not live in the neighborhood visited quite often.

“That’s the hall,” She said.

“Hall?”

“Yes. The meeting place for Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

She went on to explain the group and their beliefs to Matty in some detail. In truth Matty was less enthused by the story but more enthusiastic about the storyteller.

Banya made everything seem so interesting.

Then she told him the most unexpected detail of all – she used to be a member of the group.

“Used to be? What happened?”

“I just realized that there are some things that they teach that I don’t quite agree with.”

Matty just looked at Banya, and she knew that he did not understand.

“Let’s just say that there are some things I am not quite sure about, and so I stopped attending.”

As Matty sat there trying to understand what Banya said, he asked her, “Banya, what do you think it will be like to grow old?”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Banya said, “I don’t want to get old,” in a very strong voice.

“Why!” He exclaimed.

“Because I don’t want someone to have to take care of me and help me around. The idea of someone having to change my diaper really does not appeal to me. I just don’t want to grow old and have to depend on someone else. I don’t see anything good in growing old.”

Matty never forgot those words.

Not too long after that he was back hanging around Paris’ house in their basement.

“You have a secret admirer.”

Matty’s heart sank because he thought Paris knew about Alfred.

“He told me he has been watching you walk here for quite some time.”

“Paris, I am not interested in anyone in that way. I have just had enough of bad encounters. I cannot even call them relationships because those encounters were never like any relationship I ever imagined.”

Then Matty’s brain caught up with his mouth.

“Paris did you say he has been watching me walking around here?”

“Yea why?”

“No reason.” Matty knew that Paris or Gail did not know about Alfred.

“Matty you are a good looking guy and you are almost seventeen years old.”

“What’s wrong with being a virgin?” Matty asked.

“There are at least two things wrong with that statement. First, you are not technically a virgin based on everything you have told me. Second, it is just not natural for a good looking boy like you to not have sex.”

“Paris, why are you pressuring me to have sex?”

“Matty, I have known you what, a year or more? I have seen you in public and private. Your mouth says no but your body says yes. Like it or not it’s the truth.”

“How do you know that I have not had sex already?”

“Well if you have, it has not been very good or it has not satisfied that need.”

“That’s the problem.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I started having sex long before my mind was ready and now it is trying to catch up to my body so I am all out of sync. You see my mind and body used to work together all the time that is no longer the case. I have urgings and longings that I can’t explain and don’t know what to do about any of it.”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going home. I don’t feel much like partying.”

For several weeks after that each time Matty saw Paris they had the same general conversation and Paris had a new detail about this secret admirer.

About mid-summer, before they had time to discuss the situation again, Matty’s home phone rang late one night, maybe about midnight.

His mother was asleep. His brothers were not home yet. The house was actually quite peaceful.

“Hello,” Matty said in a pensive voice.

“Matty?”

“Yea, who is this?”

“It’s Lee.”

“Lee who?”

“I am the one Paris told you about.”

“How did you get this number? Let me guess, Paris.”

“Yea.”

“Hey, can you walk around here so that I can talk to you for a minute?”

“Do you realize what time it is and what you are asking me to do?”

“Yea. I know, but I just got home from work, took a shower, and got all cleaned up.”

“So. And cleaned up for what?”

Much to his own surprise, Matty started to get that tingling feeling.

“I’m studying,” and Matty hung up the telephone.

“That was dumb, it’s summer.”

The very next day Matty couldn’t wait to go around Paris’ house to discuss the situation.

“Man I ought to beat your ass! Where the hell you get off giving a stranger my phone number?”

“Calm down child. It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Paris, you just don’t get it. You are selling me out just like everybody else has done.”

“Matty, you are gay and you can’t keep hiding behind what other people have done to you so that you don’t have to make a decision.”

“I am not gay!”

“You don’t even believe that statement yourself. How do you expect anyone else to believe it?”

“Here, smoke this and shut up.”

While Matty was smoking, the word kept rattling around in his mind.

“Matty, it is about time you start seeing somebody.”

Matty could not focus on what Paris was saying because he was still focused on the word gay. It was the first time he had an identity, even if it was one he wouldn’t have chosen for himself.

“Maybe they all knew before I knew,” Matty said.

“Child, you talking to yourself again? Give me that shit, you already too high.”

Matty abruptly changed the conversation.

“Paris I have been seeing somebody, I just didn’t tell you about it.”

“Why not? Give me details.”

“It’s too embarrassing.”

“You know what?”

“No what?”

“I got an idea.”

They didn’t discuss it anymore that night. The following Tuesday, Paris called Matty early that morning.

“Get your ass around here right now.”

“But,” was all Matty got out before he heard CLICK.

He barely had time to shower and make it around there.

Matty thought something was wrong. They were in the basement as usual getting high, when the phone rang upstairs.

Thump! Thump! Thump!

“Matty,” he heard Paris utter his name in shear excitement.

Then he heard foot stomping!

“Matty. Get your ass up here! Hurry up!”

Matty could not help but jump to his feet and rush up the stairs. He was so high and scared that he was falling and stumbling the entire way.

It was really funny, at least it was at the time.

“Paris what the hell is going on?”

“Come on. We don’t have much time.”

“What?” Matty was really scared now.

“Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

“No. What is going on?”

Knock. Knock. Knock.

They both stopped and starred at the front door.

“Just a minute,” Paris yelled out.

“Come on,” he said dragging Matty down the hallway.

They rushed into Paris’ parent’s bedroom.

“Get in here,” he said shoving Matty into the closet.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“Okay. Okay. I’m coming.”

“Matty listen. Stay in here. Be quiet. Do not make a sound.”

Matty had no idea what was going on. He thought they were being robbed. His heart was beating so fast that he thought it was going to beat out of his chest.

“Paris?”

“Shh. Be quiet. Remember, not a sound!”

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Then Matty heard two voices instead of one.

Then he said, “When do robbers knock?”

They were coming down the hallway.

They were headed directly toward Matty.

He didn’t know what to do. He was ready to jump out of that closet at any minute.

He was beyond being scared.

“Shit,” Matty said in the dark.

“Fuck. How did I get back in the damn closet of silence again?”

Matty tried to focus on his surroundings, but it was too dark.

The smell of worn shoes mixed in the air with his mother’s sweet perfume.

Matty’s wandering was interrupted by what he thought was a belt buckle being unfastened.

Matty got curious and slightly opened the closet door shutters so that he could see what was going on.

He saw this long black thing sticking straight out near the shutter.

Matty feel back at the shock of it. Thank goodness there were blankets behind him to soften the blow.

“What was that?” He heard somebody say.

“I didn’t hear anything,” Paris said.

Matty eased closer to the door a second time.

“Oh my,” Matty dared not utter the name in such a situation.

But now Matty was too intrigued to turn away.

“That’s a dick! What the hell is going on?” Matty whispered.

He was mesmerized by the physique attached to that black club.

He couldn’t see his face very well but he wasn’t interested in his face either, at least not yet.

He was standing perpendicular to Matty and the closet. So all he could see was his profile.

“Wow,” that was all Matty could say. He had never seen 11-inches before, stiff as an iron pole that he used to ram his bike into to stop when he first learned how to ride.

“Damn, what am I thinking? I have never seen another one before period, not like this.”

Matty was good with math after struggling through Algebra II. Well maybe not that good, but at least he knew a straight line and how to measure lengths.

He had to admit that he had a pretty good side view.

He had a flat stomach with a soul patch that extended up his stomach and ended just below the base of his ribs. There were just a few beads of water trickling down the center of his chest rolling toward his soul patch.

From the side view it looked like a miniature waterfall and when the sun hit it, his bare stomach almost sparkled. And he had nice obliques, or at least the one Matty could see.

His white tee-shirt covered up his chest. But Matty got the feeling that his upper half was as good as his lower half.

Matty had a beautiful view. He could not have purchased front-row tickets that would have given him any better view, and he didn’t need any buttered popcorn either.

This beautiful, dark chocolate, well-formed stranger was wearing some red bikini underwear that gripped his firm ass like the perfect glove.

Those red underwear were a beautiful contrast to his smooth, dark skin, his slightly protruding ass, and his muscled, well-formed legs.

But Matty’s primary focus was on that miniature baseball bat with a big red knob on the end that was displayed for all to see - - at least for Matty to see. The red underwear were underneath the bat supporting it like a flagpole.

“That’s beautiful,” Matty whispered.

Matty was thankful for it all.  Intrigued and very thankful.

Then Matty found himself gagging.

He was imitating what he saw Paris doing and he got choked on his own saliva.

Matty could not hold it in.

He was choking.

“Cough.” Small cough.

“Cough, cough.” Bigger cough.

Then Matty was coughing so hard from trying not to cough that he fell out of the closet, which knocked the stranger on the bed.

Matty didn’t want him to see his face.

But when he saw the stranger’s he said, “Damn.”

Matty couldn’t believe it.

He was lying back on the bed, his pants down around his knees, and his woody was standing tall like a lighthouse.

But Matty was still focused on his face.

Matty looked at him and then at Paris, then back at him.

“Damn,” he said a second time.

By this time, the stranger was rushing to put his clothes on and was hurrying to get out of Paris’ parents’ bedroom and their house.

“Paris, who the hell was that ugly ass boy?”

He told Matty his name.

Matty said to Paris, “Well he sho’ does work hard to live up to his name.”

They both started laughing so hard that Matty’s side was hurting.

“Once again you have managed to make my problems seem very small, at least for a little while.”

Paris did a little curtsy, “Well I do what I can do.”

“Oh, before you go I need to tell you something.”

“What?”

“You fan club is becoming anxious. He has been pressing me to set up a meeting between you two. I think he really likes you.”

“What are you talking about?”

 “Would you be willing to talk to him in person?”

“I can’t answer that right now. Besides, what would make you think I need you to set up dates for me?”

“Calm down child,” he said to Matty.

 “Paris, I don’t know. I just don’t need any more headaches right here at the start of school. Why would an older guy be interested in me,” Matty asked.

“Why not Matty?”

“Does he look like yours?” Matty asked.

“Child please.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means a big hell no.”

Paris went on to tell Matty once again, “He’s been watching you walk throughout the neighborhood and when he saw me and you together he asked me about you. He is a friend of my older sister and he used to be a friend of mine.”

“What does that mean?”

“That means just what you think it means.”

I said, “I’ve got to go.”

“There you go again.”

“What?”

“Trying to deny what you naturally feel.”

“Whatever.” Matty didn’t know what else to say.

“Okay, let’s change the subject.”

“Agreed.”

“Then do you wanna go to the club this Friday?”

 “Hell no. I don’t want to spend the rest of my summer all cooped up in the house to hang out with people I don’t even know for a couple of hours, and in the dark the whole time.”

“Okay. I’ll call you.”

Matty had to smile. Paris was not one to take no for an answer in a helpful non-threatening way.

Matty didn’t see Paris for a couple of weeks because he had to go work at a summer camp, but he thought about everything he said the entire time he was gone. When Matty got back, the conversation picked up right where it left off.

But before Matty left for summer camp, he went to his first gay nightclub. It was called the Odyssey. Matty was barely 17 years old at the time, but a friend of a friend pulled strings to get him in the club.

The entrance to the club was a glass staircase that overlooked downtown.

Matty was so caught up with the sights of downtown to the point that he didn’t even realize that he was the hottest new sight inside the club.

The line was unbelievably long because the Odyssey was the place to be and to be seen in according to everything Matty had been told.

Actually, Matty was rather reluctant to go after his Disco 9000 experience, but he agreed after several weeks of begging and prodding by Paris and the crew.

As they slowly made their way up the stairs, this tall, rather handsome white guy approached Matty and struck up a conversation.

“I’ve never seen you here before.”

“That’s because I’ve never been here before.”

“You look a little young to be out here.”

“I’m old enough,” Matty replied as he prepared to go into the club.

“Why don’t you come with me?”

“I don’t know you.”

“I insist.”

“No.”  Matty was too late, the stranger had already grabbed his hand and was dragging an unwilling Matty through the club.

Everybody was staring at them with widened eyes.

Matty was getting a little scared because he didn’t know what was going on.

They went into a private room that was dimly lit, and then the guy closed the door.

“I’m Steve.”

Matty still didn’t say anything.

“I own this club.”

Matty was caught between surprise, shock, and fear of arrest.

“Why didn’t you tell me that at the very beginning?”

“I wanted your honest response, not one that was influenced by me.”

Matty’s demeanor softened a little.

They talked for quite a while more.

“Are you ever going to tell me your name?”

“It’s Matty.”

“Matty, tell me the truth, how old are you?”

“Seventeen.”

“Matty don’t you know I could lose my liquor license for you being here?”

“Nobody knows that Steve but me and you,” Matty said as he pulled out his fake.

“What’s even worse is that I am physically attracted to you.”

“Well, if we are being honest, I am attracted to you to, especially your wide hips.”

Steve was blushing.

He walked over to Matty and put Matty’s hands on his hips.

“You do like my hips,” Steve said looking down at Matty’s manhood.

“What can we do about that?”

Before Steve could get his kiss in, the door opened.

“Steve, we have a problem out here?”

“What’s wrong David?”

“You need  to see for yourself.”

“Stay here Matty.”

David and Matty had locked eyes.

“David, bring your ass on.”

They closed the door.

They weren’t gone two minutes between Matty was out the door.

The next time Steve saw Matty he was hemmed in a corner by David Baker.

“You know that he is young and wild. Don’t make him feel guilty about being young.”

Steve smiled at his old friend and let Matty stay and have a good time, even though that good time didn’t include him.

Even though Matty was captivated by David, Matty had learned enough to know that he was just another notch on the belt. But David reminded Matty of a drawing that Matty saw one time done by this guy called Tom. Matty never knew his last name but he did remember that he was from Finland. Matty was glad to be a notch on David’s belt.

David was a cowboy without the hat. He had striking, dark male features including a dark mustache. He had those wide-gap legs that held up his torso that was purposefully formed to entice Matty-types. And he was not big and not small by any standard, but he was extremely well made.

He had a black man’s ass and a bodybuilder’s torso. But for Matty, the most enticing part of David was that he had this little twitch in his walk that was more like a girl. So the contrast of hard body and tenderness so captivated Matty that David became his new play toy, at least for the month leading up to summer camp.

David had a loft apartment over the garage of some very wealthy benefactors that was way back in the woods. The woods offered them shelter from the world and it let them roam the area near the lake in the buff.

Although Matty never went back to that club, there was not a need to, David would go home and sleep a little after his work at the club, then pick Matty up around 8 am and keep him all day until it was time to go to work at night again.

To Matty’s surprise, David was as tender in bed as he was hardcore looking out of bed.

“Do you treat all guys like this or just me?”

“Only the young ones,” David replied.

When it came time for Matty to leave for summer camp, he knew he would never see David okay, but he also knew that he would never forget David either.

“Matty what are you doing?”

“Ruining you for anyone that comes after me.”

“Well you’re doing a good job.”

David didn’t go to work that final night. And neither one of them had any sleep.

Matty needed summer camp just so that he could recoup from the lure of David.

By the time Matty returned  from summer camp, he had David out of his system and was full of energy and renewed spirit.

“How was summer camp?”

“You’re not interested, so don’t pretend.”

“Okay. Listen Lee has been worrying me to death about you and when you were coming back.”

“Paris, how old is he?”

“I don’t know. 25 or 26, 27, 28. I’m not sure.” Paris had this kiddy look of innocence. But it was naughty.

“Paris, I appreciate your interest in my personal life. But you have missed a few steps.”

“Whatcha you talkin’ about?”

“First of all shouldn’t I be the one to decide when it is time for me to see someone? And shouldn’t I be the one to decide who that person is? And what about me seeing someone my age?”

“Child, have you seen the boys our age? They are well-formed but have shit for brains and are immature.”

“Paris. I don’t even know that I am gay. I have had sex with a few men before but it didn’t have any feelings attached to it. Well maybe with one guy.”

“Yea, but do you want to?”

“Why do I feel like I am in the Garden of Eden and you are a serpent talking me into something I am going to regret?”

 “So what harm will it do for you to at least talk to him?” Paris continued.

“I don’t know Paris. I just have so many questions. The one thing I do know is that I want love. I want the love that momma had/has for my daddy. The kind of love that lasts long after death has lost its sting.”

“Who doesn’t? But that does not mean you stop living until you find the answer to every question.”

“Matty, let me be serious here for one moment. Sometimes the answers come while you are on the journey. But you want answers while you are standing still, without ever going on the journey. What kind of life is that?”

“You know you are pretty smart sometimes to be a fat kid.”

“Bitch I told you that I am not fat. I am just short for my age.”

“Alright. Well it’s 10:30 so I better get going. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Matty purposefully left early so that he could take his time walking home and think about what Paris said.

Not long after he left Paris’ house he noticed headlights behind him.

Matty kept walking pretending not to notice the car.

He slowed down to give the car an opportunity to pass him. Then the car slowed down even more. Then the car pulled next to him.

“Matty?”

He turned around. He didn’t know the car or driver.

“Matty? It’s me. Lee.”

Matty just stood there looking.

He put the Volkswagen in park and stepped out of the car.

Matty’s mouth dropped open.

He took all of him in in one instant.

He had a fresh cut and was wearing a black, tight-fitting tee-shirt that only covered his torso down to his navel.

Then Matty saw the most enticing thing of it all.

He was wearing some jean shorts! Daisy Dukes that looked like a skirt they were so short. And he was rock solid hard, all of him!

Paris was right. Matty’s body was clearly excited by the sight.

“Shit,” Matty said out loud. “You are better than eye candy.”

Then Matty rushed to put his hand over his mouth as if he clearly didn’t mean to say that, at least out loud.

“I was hoping you would like it.”

“How did you know it was me walking?”

“I live right there.”

It all started to make sense.

“You mean to tell me that you have been watching me walking around to Paris’ all this time.”

“Yea, whenever I was at home.”

“Is this what you did to bribe Paris into giving you my phone number?”

“No, I did all this specifically for you. And by the looks of it, it is working,” Lee said looking down at my own gentleman.

Matty couldn’t say a word. He was completely naked before him, so to speak.

“You like me enough to come over for a few minutes?”

It took Matty a few seconds to gather his thoughts because he was freakin’ gorgeous, even if he didn’t tell him.

 “No. This is my first time ever seeing you and you think I am going to come over to your house? Are you crazy?”

“I must be to go through all of this for you.”

 


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