"What Do You Want From Me"
“You cast a spell on me, spell on me
You hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on me
And I decided you look well on me, well on me
So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me
The sun goes down, the stars come out
And all that counts, is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came, I'm glad you came.”
- Glad You Came, THE WANTED
Where is he going?
The trees were growing more dense, the canopy of evergreen limbs beginning to block out the sun, shadowing the forest floor. Noble had lost sight of Jonah a few minutes ago, but he could still pinpoint his general location by the occasional snapping of a twig, or rustle of brush.
What are you doing following him this far into the trees? Why would he even go in here?
Noble slowed then stopped. He glanced behind him, but could only make out tiny glimpses of the church building. A few more yards in, and it would disappear from sight altogether.
Should he go back? Would Rebecca be looking for him? Would she grill him about where he'd been?
I don't care.
The blunt thought caught him by surprise. I don't care if she asks. I don't care if she knows.
He turned back towards the trees. Silence hung off the lush limbs, settled down on the needle padded forest floor. His ears developed a low ringing as he strained to hear Jonah's movements. But there was nothing.
“Jonah-” he started to call out when a hand suddenly slid over his mouth from behind. His breath caught sharp as a strong body pressed up close behind him and warm lips brushed his ear.
“Shhhh.” Jonah breathed out on a bare whisper. “Someone might hear.”
Noble's heart rate spiked through the roof. Air stuck in his throat, hitching, jerking, puffing forcefully against Jonah's palm.
“I knew you would follow me.” The words floated on the still air, barely audible, his lips warm as they tugged gently at Noble's earlobe, causing a shudder to rush down through his body, leaving a fire trail in its wake.
A whimper ascended Noble's throat when Jonah dropped a firm kiss on his neck just below his ear. His hand slowly moved off Noble's mouth, slid down over his chin and gripped his throat gently. Jonah's lips touched his ear again. “Do what you came here to do.”
Noble swallowed with effort, his Adam's apple rubbing against Jonah's palm. He could barely breathe for the racing of his heart. His throat worked against Jonah's hand as he struggled to form the words that now escaped him. Why had he followed Jonah into the woods?
Apologize – for what had happened in the bathroom.
“I...I just wanted to...” His words strained as Jonah squeezed his throat ever so slightly. His hard body was snug against Noble's, his need undeniable. A low burning ache ignited in Noble's crotch. He waited for the voice to scream through his mind to resist it, fight it at all costs. But all was silent. “I wanted to...apologize...” Noble managed to squeeze out.
“No.” Jonah's mouth was hot against his ear. “I said – do what you came here to do.”
Noble frowned. What was he talking about? “I don't-” he started when Jonah turned him to face him.
“Why did you come out here?” Jonah murmured. His unique eyes burned hot and Noble was suddenly consumed by the desperate need to be seared by that heat.
“To...apologize.” Noble trembled. Jonah's hands gripped each side of his neck, his thumbs rubbing firmly up and down Noble's throat.
Jonah dipped his head, came in close until his lips were mere centimeters from Noble's mouth. “Tell the truth and shame the devil.”
Noble shuddered. Tell the truth. What was the truth?
The apology was an excuse – nothing more.
Noble's lips parted and trembled, his throat working once more against Jonah's thumbs. Jonah's hot breath drifted into his mouth.
Please kiss me. He had regretted begging for the man's kiss before, he remembered that – regretting it. But now he couldn't remember why.
“What do you want from me, Noble?” Jonah whispered. His lips grazed Noble's mouth as he spoke so low, so soft it seemed more a shared thought than spoken words.
Noble trembled. What do you want from me? His hands came up and slid around Jonah's wrists. His skin warmed Noble's palms. “I don't want anything...from you.” Noble was shaking as all the truths he'd struggled so hard to suppress began to tumble free one by one – and there was nothing in him to stop it. His conscience and conviction seemed to have taken a vacation far away. Everything faded but for him and Jonah; Rebecca was gone, taking with her his guilt and shame.
His hands tightened around Jonah's wrists. The man's pulse pumped against Noble's fingertips, quick, erratic. “I just want...you.”
A bare moment of hesitation then Jonah pressed his lips softly against Noble's mouth, dragging a shuddered whimper up his throat. “As you wish.”
Noble moaned as he surrendered to Jonah, letting his mind go. There was a sweet freedom in that one small act of allowing Jonah to kiss him without resistance, without wanting him to stop. His hands rubbed up Jonah's forearms, tracing over each swell of muscle and vein, his fingertips shoving beneath the rolled cuffs of his white shirt.
There was no memory of them moving, but just the sudden feel of the soft bed of pine needles against his back and Jonah's strong body pinning him to the ground. The man's breath panted into Noble's mouth, his fingers working at the buttons of Noble's shirt, popping them loose one at a time. His lips abandoned Noble's mouth and followed the path down the center of his chest, kissing skin as it became exposed – unexplored territory to be discovered and claimed.
Fingertips in an ebony field. Noble stroked through the man's soft, thick hair, cataloging each and every strand as it brushed across the tender, sensitive skin lining the insides of his fingers. He longed to press his face into that hair, breathe in Jonah's scent. His body quivered, his stomach muscles jumping against Jonah's lips, his hips lifting a fraction away from the ground, offering, inviting.
Why are you letting this happen? Why don't you feel guilty? Ashamed?
The voice wasn't an accusatory one – but merely asking the questions honestly. But Noble had no answers. And right there, with Jonah, the answers didn't matter to him. He didn't care – about anything...or anyone...except this one man and the liberty his touch instilled in Noble.
He didn't feel Jonah's fingers unfasten his pants, only felt him slowly pulling them down over his hips. Again he waited for the panic to set in. The fear, disgust. But as before – there was nothing. Except burning excitement and longing to let this man take him...all the way.
Noble lifted his butt from the ground as Jonah tugged his pants from under him and down his legs. The cool forest air rushed across his bare, fevered skin, whispering against his hardened flesh. He laid against the forest floor, gazing at the canopy overhead, tiny spears of sunlight struggling to break through and stab down into the shadows. He squinted as one or two blinding rays succeeded, striping his face. Then they were blocked out suddenly, replaced by Jonah's face, his beautiful eyes gazing down at him smoldering with hunger, passion...and something more. Something Noble craved more deeply than all the rest.
He touched the man's ribs, layered with thick muscle; he was naked, his skin hot beneath Noble's fingertips.
“You do want something from me.” Jonah's whispered voice shuddered with need, but he restrained himself though Noble pressed up against him, begging him without words to claim him, own him. “Tell me, Noble...say it.”
A fierce shudder raced erratically through Noble. “No.” he trembled.
“Say it.” Jonah's lips hovered against his mouth, ready to take the kiss, but waiting.
“Please kiss me.” Noble quaked beneath Jonah's fevered, hungry body, pressed so tight to his own they already seemed to be one being.
“Tell me what you want.” Jonah insisted softly. “Tell me...and I'll do whatever you want me to do.”
His words clogged his throat and he struggled to swallow them down again, afraid of what they would formulate into once they left his lips. He didn't want to speak them aloud, though he was unclear just what they were. But he knew – once they were out – there would be no taking them back.
Jonah's warm lips moved past Noble's mouth and brushed softly against his cheek, up to his eyes. Noble closed his eyes and Jonah kissed each one then his brow, back down the bridge of his nose then hovered at his mouth again.
Their hard members pressed firmly against one another, pulsing, throbbing, a slight dampness wetting their aching flesh.
A strangled sob stuck beneath the words in his throat. His fingertips dug into Jonah's hot muscle. Other words – Please fuck me – slipped free and teetered on the tip of his tongue.
“You'll never be free.” Jonah murmured. “Until you tell me the truth of what you want from me.”
His eyes burned and he opened them slowly, the warm tears draining down his temples, into his ears and hair. Jonah wiped them away with his thumbs.
“You can trust me, Noble.” He whispered. “Let go...fall...I promise – I'll catch you.”
Noble's eyes closed once more, briefly. He swallowed thick, his voice quiet, broken as he admitted - “I want your heart.” His eyes opened slowly and more tears seeped out. “I want you...to love me.”
His confession was caught in Jonah's kiss as the man's fingers slid through his short brown hair, squeezing the strands firmly, a groan of satisfaction rolling up his throat. When his mouth pulled back, breath gasping, two words tumbled out, falling down onto Noble's lips like sweet drops of honey.
The man didn't give Noble time to contemplate his confession as his hunger took control and he moved down Noble's inflamed body, tasting every bit of skin as he went. Noble's chest heaved and shuddered with erratic breath, his hands clawing fistfuls of dry, soft pine needles as he clutched at the ground and lifted himself to Jonah.
Please! Please don't stop! The silent plea swelled inside Noble in the form of a whimper that Jonah had no difficulty interpreting. A sudden, sharp cry burst out of him when Jonah took him in his warm mouth, drew his hard flesh deep into his throat. Another cry erupted and his fingers buried themselves in Jonah's black hair, gripping, pulling.
“Jonah!” he cried, choking on a level of emotion and ecstasy he'd never experienced before. He knew they weren't far enough out for the trees to entirely muffle his cries, but he didn't care. A part of him wished to be caught in the act, exposed with no place left to hide, forced to face his true self.
He held onto the man's head in desperation, gasping cries ripping free and soaring upward, outward, to settle on the ears of anyone lingering on the other side of the tree line.
“Oh god!” He squeezed Jonah's hair in his fists and thrust himself into the man's perfect mouth. Jonah took him without resistance, eagerly, hungrily, shoving him closer and closer to the edge of the abyss he longed to fall into. “Please! Jonah! Fuuu-AAAHK!!”
Jonah's mouth was on his before he realized the man had released him. The kiss was hard, urgent, burning through Noble like lava. Then he was on his stomach, his cheek pressed into the bed of needles, the scent of pine invading his nostrils. His open shirt was nearly ripped off him and dropped in a heap on the ground by his face. His heart beat like a hammer, pounding through his chest wall, thumping against the ground.
Fingers raked up the back of his head, through his hair, sending violent shivers racing through his body like tendrils of electricity. Hot, trembling lips touched the back of his neck as a powerful weight settled down against his body.
Another cry wrenched out of him suddenly, exploding through the forest, his fingers gouging through the needles and into the dirt underneath as Jonah entered him. Every muscle in his body tensed and flexed, his jaw tightening, breath stopping, catching, body arching, welcoming, inviting the man in.
“Uuuuhh-UUUHHH!!” The wail echoed off the tree trunks like a steel ball in a pinball machine.
Jonah's hot breath blasted against the nape of his neck as he pushed in deeper. “I love you.” The words cracked and fell apart, dropping onto his fevered skin in pieces. “Noble-”
He cried sharp and jerked, nearly leaping away with start as Rebecca's voice stabbed him like a branding iron to bare skin, ripping him out of his fantasy sudden and fierce. His chest heaved and he couldn't disguise his erratic breath or the heat flushing his face.
“Wha...” He gasped, shaking. His body felt on fire, heart hammering against his ribs. Instinctively, before he could stop it, his head snapped around and his widened eyes locked on Jonah – still standing on the far side of the lawn, talking to Mason.
A hand touched his face and he jerked back sharp, then instantly regretted it when Rebecca withdrew, frowning. “What's wrong with you?”
Noble struggled to calm his pulse, but it raced out of control, his breath broken and quick. “I...I must've fallen asleep.” Noble mumbled. His arms slid around his stomach as it began to pinch and cramp.
“You weren't asleep.” Rebecca said. “Your eyes were open.”
Nausea clawed at him. The tree line pulled his gaze then swam as his eyes began to sting. No, he had to have been asleep...dreaming...no one is in control of what they dream.
You weren't sleep dreaming – you were day dreaming.
That wasn't possible. He wouldn't consciously think those things about...his eyes were on Jonah again without realizing he had even shifted his gaze. The man glanced his way, seized his stare.
What do you want from me.
With physical effort, Noble freed his eyes from Jonah's and ducked his head. His jaw tightened, an ache veining up through his face. A knot swelled in his throat, trying to choke him. No. He didn't want Jonah like that – he didn't. As if in contradiction, his heart suddenly squeezed with an anguish that burned his eyes and made him want to scream out in agony.
It was all in your head. Jonah doesn't love you.
He clamped his eyes shut and pressed his face to his knees, fighting the sobs that were collecting in his chest, struggling to push up his throat. Shakes began in his gut and vibrated outward.
I want your heart – I want you to love me.
Why would he say that? Even in his fantasy? He didn't even know the man – why would he want him to love him? He shook his head and pressed his face harder against his knees, his jaw clenching painfully as his throat began to ache with his struggle to resist the sobs.
I don't care if he doesn't love me! I don't want him to love me! I don't want him – Period!
“Noble?” Rebecca touched his shoulder. “Hon, what's wrong? Are you feeling sick again?”
Her hand rubbed his back. A sudden rage he didn't understand rushed through him, scorching his heart and mind. Don't fucking touch me! He bit the irrational words back before they could fly from his lips. Why was he angry at Rebecca? She wasn't the one in the wrong here? He was.
“I'm fine.” Noble choked, swallowing a sob before it could burst out.
“You don't sound fine.”
He squeezed his eyes tighter, but the darkness behind his eyelids formulated into the forest...Jonah's face, right there close to his...the man's lips on his mouth...his strong body pinning him to the earth...
Fuck! Noble jerked his head up, opening his eyes to erase the images. But Jonah wasn't a figment of his imagination, he existed in the real world. And the heat burning through Noble was just as real, setting him ablaze in ways that left him immobilized and prevented him from getting to his feet and walking away.
Maybe he's fallen in love.
Mason's own words resurfaced, recalling his conversation with Noble. Just moments after Noble raised his head, and caught Jonah staring – Jonah had hurriedly averted his eyes. Yet Mason hadn't missed the discreet looks he continued to toss in Noble's direction.
Do I call him on it? The question weighed heavily on Mason's mind. For the moment, he played oblivious to his son's obvious distraction. Maybe it was something else. Perhaps he and Noble had had an argument of some kind, and he was merely contemplating apologizing to the man. But what could they have possibly had a falling out over? They barely knew each other.
Still...maybe that's all it was. Nothing to get concerned about. It wasn't Jonah's nature to be impulsive, act out foolishly or irrationally. Oh, he was definitely capable of such actions, but it wasn't his nature.
Mason glanced at Noble when Jonah's eyes once more drifted in the young man's direction. Even from this distance, the boy appeared stressed, on edge. He wanted to believe it was simply pre-wedding jitters, but his gut insisted it was something more. Jonah's face tightened with emotion as his eyes locked with Noble's briefly, and Mason's anxiety heightened a few notches.
Surely Jonah hadn't approached Noble in an...unacceptable manner. A quiet doubt settled in, though, as Noble ripped his eyes from Jonah's and seemed unwilling to look at the man again.
Please, just leave me alone, Becca.
The warmth of the early afternoon sun was adding to the extreme heat already burning through him. Noble fought the urge to start tugging at his shirt and tie. Everything felt too confining, cutting short his ability to breathe properly. A sheen of sweat laced his fevered skin beneath his clothes, causing them to cling uncomfortably.
Rebecca pushed him to tell her what was wrong, if he was feeling nauseous again, if he wanted to go home. He knew it was out of concern for him, but her voice was beginning to scrape at him like fingernails on a chalkboard, enhancing his state of agitation brought on by – among other things - the painful ache throbbing in his crotch and the tightness it created in his pants.
Just shut up, please...don't talk to me right now.
Guilt and shame took a spot on each of his shoulders – heavy, burdensome creatures that weighed him down, nearly hunching him over – and jabbed at his mind with their talon-like claws, puncturing tender flesh, slowly shredding his sanity. Whispering accusations in his ears, reminding him over and over how filthy and disgusting he was, how he deserved to burn in hell for his unforgivable sins. Never letting him forget he was nothing more than an abomination in the eyes of the God he loved.
And that, in his mind, he had just all-out cheated on Rebecca with another man. And wasn't afforded the luxury of telling himself it was just a dream that he had no control of.
But rather – a fantasy.
Wide-awake, conscious, I-wish-it-could-happen-that-way...fantasy.
Rebecca slipped on her shoes when she glanced over Noble and her mom beckoned to her from the door to the church.
“Everyone is going in to eat.” she said, touching him again. “Maybe you will feel better if you eat something.”
Noble lifted his head. His eyes were bleary and everything, everyone, seemed a hazy blur. But still he could make out Mason walking towards them – and Jonah following, though hanging back and seeming hesitant to get too close.
“You feeling okay?” Mason asked with real concern and squatted down beside Noble, squeezing his shoulder with affection.
The man had a way about him that convinced Noble he could see through any lie presented to him. Noble avoided looking in his eyes and simply nodded. The weight of Jonah's stare was too much and he wanted to jump up and run away. But he couldn't move. The burning ache in his crotch provided far too much evidence of his thoughts...and fantasies.
Please go away. Everyone...just leave me be.
Mason rose slowly to his feet. “You should come inside, get some food in you.”
Agreeing, Rebecca stood up then leaned over and rubbed her hand over his hair. “Come on, babe. Maybe get out of the sun too.”
Noble didn't move. His eyes shimmered and he hugged his legs a bit tighter, resting his chin on his knees. “I'll be in...later.” he whispered. His voice strained and cracked and he felt both Mason and Rebecca gazing at him with deep concern. “I'm not...hungry.”
“Do you want me to stay with you?” Rebecca asked. “I can eat later.”
“No.” Noble flinched at the sharpness of his reply, feeling the bite of it. “I-I mean...you should go ahead. I'll be fine.”
Hesitation thickened Rebecca's voice when she murmured, “Okay...”
The knot in his throat thickened and swelled. When Mason and Rebecca finally left him, he kept his head down, staring blankly at the tree line for a moment before he realized Jonah was lingering.
He didn't look at the man. A part of him wanted to scream at him and tell him to go away too. But behind his eyes, all he could see was Jonah in the woods, feel his hands on him, his hunger inside him, his words telling him...I love you.
But none of it was real. All just pretend. A made up fantasy that had no right playing through his mind. Still...when he felt Jonah moving away, he had to fight the compulsion to call out to him, beg him to come back, tell him for real that he...
A strangled sob broke loose before Noble could swallow it. He crawled to his feet then stumbled away on shaky legs, needing to put distance between him and the one man who would surely be the damnation of his soul.
Only when they were entering the small dining hall did Mason realize that Jonah was no longer with them. He paused in the doorway and looked back, but he was nowhere to be seen. The low grinding anxiety that had formed earlier began to resurface. Had Jonah remained outside...with Noble?
I have to be misinterpreting what I thought I saw. Jonah isn't drawn to Noble that way. He's just showing concern for the man. That's all it is. It has to be.
“Mason?” Colleen stepped back to him when she noticed he had stopped. “What are you doing, hon?”
Mason glanced back the way they had come in, then stepped through the doorway. “Nothing. I just thought Jonah was behind us.”
Casting a quick, disinterested glance past her husband, Colleen shrugged lightly. “Maybe he wasn't hungry.”
“Yeah.” Mason murmured. “Maybe.”
“What is it?” She asked.
“I don't know.” he said. “Jonah just seems...like something is bugging him. On edge. I guess I'm just a little concerned. He usually talks to me.”
Rebecca turned. “Noble is the one you should be worried about.” she said tight. “What is wrong with him? Why is he having anxiety attacks and getting sick?”
“I don't know.” Mason spoke low, fully aware of how quickly and carelessly she dismissed his concerns for his son. He loved her like his own daughter, but her hostility towards Jonah was hard to take at times. It kept Jonah at the outer edges of their family and that wasn't right.
“What if he's having second thoughts about getting married?” She was speaking to her mother. “I don't understand what happened. He was fine up until our engagement party.”
Colleen took hold of her Daughter's hands. “He isn't having second thoughts, sweetheart.” She assured. “He loves you. He wants this as much as you do.”
Rebecca smiled but it seemed weak, doubtful. “He seems so distracted and...evasive. What if...” She faltered, her face tightening. “What if...there's someone else?”
“Another woman?” Colleen laughed softly. “Oh honey, you can't be serious. Noble? You're reading way too much into this. He will be fine. I'm sure it's just nerves. Marriage is a big step. But being nervous doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you.”
Mason considered his wife's words of reason and prayed she was right about the source of Noble's anxiety.
Please, Lord, don't let it be Jonah. He has enough stacked against him as it is. If he's done something to put Noble on edge and Rebecca finds out...all hell will break loose.
“I'm going to go talk to Noble.” Rebecca said. “Maybe try again to talk him into coming inside.”
“Good idea.” Colleen smiled.
Mason stepped to the side as Rebecca walked out through the doorway. Maybe you should just give the boy some space, he thought, but the words remained a silent thought as he watched her leave.
It was quiet, barely audible, but Jonah caught the sob just moments before Noble left the blanket and walked away. There was an unsteadiness to the man's steps, his shoulders slightly hunched as if he were bearing a great weight. One arm hugged his stomach, his free hand wiping erratically at his face.
Jonah's chest squeezed, his pulse quickening. Go talk to him.
He rubbed his hand over his mouth and watched Noble disappear around the far end of the church building. He doesn't want my help. He said to stay away. After what I've done to him, the least I can do now is honor his wishes.
Even so, his feet remained rooted to the grass, wanting to turn and follow the man.
“Where is Noble?”
Rebecca's sudden reappearance startled Jonah. He glanced up the wooden steps of the small rear deck of the church. Rebecca stood in the doorway. Her eyes scanned the lawn then snapped back to Jonah with just enough sharpness to cut him.
“He, uh...” Jonah glanced towards the end of the building, his feet still aching to go after the man. It actually occurred to him to lie to her, just say he didn't know. Suddenly the thought of her going to him, being the one to comfort him, hold him...it ignited a spark of jealousy in Jonah's gut. But he quickly extinguished it.
Maybe all this was as it should be. And if so, he needed to man up and face facts – and do what what was best for Noble...rather than cater to his own selfish wants and desires.
“He went in that direction.” Jonah murmured, indicating the end of the building. “Maybe going around to the parking lot, I don't know. I didn't talk to him.”
Rebecca nodded curtly and descended the steps, moving past him.
He touched her arm, gripping gently. “Becca.”
She stopped sharp, eyes cool and tight as she jerked her arm away from him. “Don't touch me.” She said stiffly. “Ever.”
Jonah drew his hand back and frowned. “I'm gay, Becca.” He said. “Not diseased.”
“Same difference.” She told him, a chill in her voice.
Movement in his peripheral vision drew a quick glance to the end of the structure. Noble stood, barely visible, at the corner of the church building – watching them. A sudden, unexpected pressure squeezed Jonah's chest.
His mind was instantly bursting with images of Noble confessing his problem to Rebecca – and her beating him down with the same ugly, cold words she didn't hesitate to use on Jonah. Except Noble wouldn't take it as well. Not well at all.
An uncharacteristic anger simmered his blood. “You know, Becca.” he said, his jaw tight. “What goes around, comes around. Your judgmental attitude...it may backfire on you one day.”
“I'm not judging, Jonah.” She said. “I'm staying in line with the bible. Maybe you should try it.”
He felt Noble's eyes on them, knew he wasn't so far away that he couldn't hear their exchange. “I'm just saying...there may come a day when you regret the way you feel about...people like me.”
“People like you are sick.” A note of disgust tainted her voice. “I don't know how you can justify the way you live. It's...disgusting and vile. And, frankly, it makes me sick to my stomach. And for you to try and imply that God could be okay with it? It's blasphemous. Plain and simple.”
Jonah shook his head slowly, his chest tightening as he watched Noble from the corner of his eye as the man slowly stepped back out of sight. Jonah stared at his step-sister, and wondered how someone could harbor so much hate and bitterness inside them.
You're the worst thing for him right now, Becca.
When Rebecca started in Noble's direction, Jonah's words halted her. “Maybe you should just give Noble some space.” He spoke his thoughts abruptly, not sure if he really meant to. “The guy seemed like he just wanted to be left alone for now.”
His words turned the woman's eyes to stone, then set them afire. “Don't tell me how to deal with my own fiancé. He is none of your concern. In fact, just stay away from him.”
“Why?” Jonah asked dryly. “Afraid I'll infect him? I didn't know being gay was a contagious disease.” A smile twitched his lips but didn't reach his eyes. “Picking his friends for him now as well?”
“You're not his friend.” Rebecca snapped suddenly. “Friends like you, he can do without. Even the bible says that evil communications corrupts good manners.” She turned away stiffly. “Stay away from him.”
Maybe this is as it should be.
Jonah's eyes were heavy as he watched her walk down the length of the church building in search of Noble.
“As it should be?” he whispered, his voice strained. “Bullshit.”
© Copyright 2017 AMS1971. All rights reserved.
Book / Gay and Lesbian
Book / Gay and Lesbian
Book / Gay and Lesbian