Made To Be Broken

Status: Finished

Made To Be Broken

Status: Finished

Made To Be Broken

Book by: AMS1971

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Book by: AMS1971

Details

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Chapter27 (v.1) - Romance In All Its Strategy

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: February 27, 2014

Reads: 702

Comments: 3

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: February 27, 2014

A A A

A A A

Romance In All Its Strategy

 

“I am here still waiting

though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best

like you've already figured out…

And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be okay.”

 

- Broken, LIFEHOUSE

*  *  *  *

“Magic, it must be magic

 The way I hold you and the night just seems to fly

 Easy for you to take me to a star

 Heaven is that moment when I look into your eyes.”

 

- I Just Fall In Love Again, ANNE MURRAY

__________________________________

 

 

The tension in Noble tightened his muscles until he felt stiff as a board – and not in the way Jonah would have preferred. His arms slid around the man’s waist, pulling Noble closer against him. “Just close your eyes.” Jonah whispered against his ear. “Hold onto me and forget about everything and everyone else. It’s just us here, in our own little, wonderful world.” He rubbed his hands up Noble’s back, pressing against his skin through his shirt. Oh god, baby, you feel so good in my arms. “Focus on me…my touch…” he brushed his lips against his neck. “My kiss…and just relax, baby, and…dance with me.”

Noble’s arms tentatively wrapped around his neck and his cheek pressed warm against his shoulder, his breath soft against his neck. The young man’s surrender to his heart – despite the lingering fears – made Jonah want to squeeze him in his arms until they both passed out. He knew that Noble still saw himself as weak, but if he could only see how far he had really come. The fact that he was standing here, in a room full of people, and dancing with the man he loved…that in itself was a screaming testament that the chains were breaking and falling away. Some still remained, naturally. But Jonah had no doubt they, too, would soon crumble.

I love you…for real love you. He pressed his face into Noble’s hair and breathed in the wonderful scent of shampoo mingled with Noble’s cologne. He loves me. He really loves me. Jonah’s arms tightened a fraction, and Noble responded by squeezing his own arms around Jonah’s neck, his face pushing more snugly against his throat. The young man’s eyelashes felt damp as they fluttered softly against his sensitive skin. Say it again, baby, he pleaded silently, tell me you love me, keep saying it, over and over. Please don’t ever stop.

“Don’t let go of me.” Noble trembled. His fingertips played at the nape of Jonah’s neck, sending tiny shivers racing through his body.

“Never crossed my mind.” Jonah whispered and held him closer.

Noble hugged him tighter and his warm lips grazed Jonah’s ear. “I meant it.” A soft shuddered rippled his quiet voice. “What I said in the car.”

Jonah’s heart struggled to claw out of his chest. “I know you meant it, baby.” He whispered. “I meant it too.” He rubbed his hands down Noble’s back. “I’d marry you right now tonight, if you’d say yes.” He drew back and brushed his lips across Noble’s mouth. “And that ain’t no lie.”

Noble’s eyes filmed with tears. “Please tell me this is really right.” His fingers gripped the back of Jonah’s neck. “Please say it’s really okay for me to love you this way.”

“It’s okay, baby.” he kissed Noble’s mouth more firmly and squeezed him tighter. “It’s better than okay. It’s amazing.”

The man’s body pressed closer to his as their brows touched and they moved together to the soft, instrumental music. Noble closed his eyes, his thick, dark lashes glistening with tears. “I’m scared.”

“I know.” Jonah whispered.

“What if they’re right?”

“They’re not.” Jonah kissed his eyes then his lips. “Just hold onto me, and trust your heart, Noble.”

Noble laid his head on his shoulder. “If it wasn’t for you…I would still be hiding. Maybe for the rest of my life. I would marry a woman I’m not in love with and try to pretend my marriage was perfect, when inside…”

“You would be dying.” Jonah murmured. “That’s no kind of life.”

Swallowing tightly, Noble pressed his lips to Jonah’s shoulder. “I was too scared to hope that my life could ever be anything else than…that.” His head ducked and his brow pushed against Jonah’s neck, his voice thickening. “Until I met you.” He raised his head, eyes wet, a tentative smile on his lips. “I hated the way you made me feel. But at the same time…I craved it. I…I kind of had a love/hate thing going on. I kept telling myself I wished you would go away, but when you were around…I just wanted to jump into your arms.” His lips pressed tight. “I thought…at first…that you were just trying to prove a point…make me admit that I was…gay. I didn’t think you had any real feelings for me.”

His throat closing, Jonah kissed him. “What changed your mind?”

Noble licked his lips. “I think the true turning point was…when I saw the cup.”

A frown tightened Jonah’s brow. “What cup?”

“The Styrofoam cup you were drinking coffee in at the church.”

“I’m lost.” Jonah chuckled softly. “Why would a cup change your mind about how I felt for you?”

“It was what you drew on the cup.”

“And what was that?” Jonah was clueless. He recalled the day at church, sitting in the dining hall, his dad recounting the story about his first dog, how he had felt when Noble had sat down next to him, and…the feeling of being unwanted by Rebecca. Then he had left. He vaguely remembered drinking a cup of coffee.

Rubbing his hands down Jonah’s chest, fingers playing with the buttons of his shirt, Noble ducked his head and murmured, “You scratched my name on the side of the cup with your thumbnail then…drew a heart around it.”

“I did?” Jonah smiled. “I don’t remember doing that.”

“I don’t think you knew you did it then.” Noble said quietly. “Just…a subconscious scribbling.”

Jonah frowned, his lips twitching. “And that meant something to you?”

“Yes.” Noble looked up at him. “Because if you were doing it without even thinking about it, then…I knew I was in there…in a real way. And it wasn’t just that you wrote my name, but…it was the heart you drew around it that became the first seed of understanding that you cared about me.”

Something so trivial had set Noble on the path to discovering Jonah’s love for him? You are funny, God. Guess you really do work in mysterious ways. Jonah knew the bible spoke of the simplicity of Christ. Maybe, in part, this is what it meant. If God could use something as insignificant as a Styrofoam cup to transform a young man’s heart, then it was surely true – with God, all things are possible.

 

......................

 

Noble remained in a mild state of shock that he was actually dancing with Jonah in front of everyone. Yet he kept his face turned into Jonah’s neck, still feeling the fear of seeing accusatory, condemning looks. He fought the urge to suggest they go somewhere private. Jonah might take it to mean something it didn’t. Noble’s reason for asking would be to get out of the eye of the public. And he didn’t want to give in to those fears, that sense of panic of being found out – even though he was already out. To a degree anyway.

A static shudder disrupted his heartbeat as Jonah’s warm hands moved slowly over his back, caressing, soothing. His lips hovered next to Noble’s ear, ready in an instant to calm any fears that might suddenly arise.

“Do you still have it?” Jonah murmured.

“What?”

“The cup.”

Noble licked his lips and burrowed his face deeper into Jonah’s throat. “No.” he whispered thickly, chest squeezing at the memory of tearing the cup to shreds in his desperation to rid Jonah from his life, and instantly regretting it. He wished now he hadn’t destroyed it, but kept it for years to come. “I…tore it up.” His lips tightened and eyes burned. “I thought I was supposed to get rid of everything that reminded me of you. Just…eradicate you from my life.” He hugged Jonah tighter. “I thought that keeping anything that concerned you…was a reminder of my weakness, my…sin.”

Kissing his ear, Jonah asked softly, “And you thought you could get rid of me that easily? By tearing up a cup?”

“I don’t know what I thought.” Noble admitted. “I was…desperate to be right with God, to be…”

“Straight?”

Noble nodded slowly, “Yeah.”

“You make a much better gay man.” Jonah surmised then smiled and tilted his head back enough to kiss Noble’s mouth. On some internal reflex, Noble drew away as soon as Jonah’s lips touched his, then regretted it instantly.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Stop apologizing.” Jonah kissed his brow. “I can be…overzealous. I admit it.” He smiled and touched heads with Noble, gazing into his eyes. “You’re my weakness, baby. And I love it, and wouldn’t want it any other way. I love being at your mercy.”

Noble smiled and ducked his head. “I think you got that reversed.”

“Oh really?” Jonah chuckled softly. “Well, I must say, I do like the sound of that.”

Honestly? So did Noble. A low sigh escaped him and he laughed quietly, arms squeezing around Jonah’s neck as he pressed his face to the man’s warm skin and closed his eyes. Jonah had a way of making the world go away all around them. And it felt good. Liberating. Noble had never felt this free in all his life.

A sense of freedom that was short lived when a flurry of whispers reached him. He couldn’t hear every word, but enough to know that he and Jonah were the focal point. He tensed against his will, and Jonah’s arms tightened. “Ignore them.” He murmured. “There will always be those who feel the need to condemn. Just rise above, baby.”

Noble tried. He focused on Jonah’s hands caressing his back, his warm breath on his ear, the feel of his body moving gently to the music. But when he heard his name whispered – what serenity he’d gained went out the window. His head jerked around and he stared at the small group at the table to his left. Bibles were laid on the table in front of most of the occupants, some of which seemed to be shielding a couple young kids from view of the dance floor. But even more disturbing was the stare of the man in their midst. Reverend Terence Bane. He ran the youth center back in town. Noble had volunteered at the center multiple times, and was scheduled to help out with the Fourth of July activities that very weekend. He’d signed up over two months ago.

Now the man just stared at him in both shock and condemnation.

His throat closing suddenly as all the lessons of his past crashed in on him, feeling the dizziness and nausea overwhelming him, Noble pulled out of Jonah’s arms and rushed for the entrance of the restaurant, vision blurring.

The door smacked loudly as he shoved through it hard and emerged out into the night, sucking in the cool air, his lungs feeling too tight to breathe.

“Noble.” Jonah was right there, not two seconds behind him, hands grabbing his arms to steady him as he fought the panic attack trying to rise up. “It’s okay, baby, just take deep breaths. You’ll be okay.”

Noble choked on a sob and Jonah pulled him into his arms. “I’m sorry.” Noble cried, clinging to him, shaking. “I’m never…going to get better, am I?”

“Hey.” Jonah murmured and cupped the back of his head, holding him close, secure. “You’re already getting better, baby. A lot better. But it takes time.” He loosened his hold and cupped Noble’s face, stroking his thumbs over his cheeks. “I’m here, Noble. And I’ll help you. I’m not going to run away from you because you can’t just shut it all off like a switch. It don’t work that way, and I understand that.”

Noble gripped the front of his shirt.

“Look.” Jonah kissed his cheek softly. “I got to run back in and pay for dinner before they think we pulled a dine and dash.” He walked Noble to the car, unlocked the passenger door then opened it. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.” Noble whispered thickly, then the man was gone, disappearing back inside the restaurant. Noble got in the car and closed the door. He tried to shut out the image of the look on the Reverend’s face, the condemnation in his eyes – but it was seared into his brain. Those were the eyes of his father, every second of every day. Watching, studying every look, every gesture. Scrutinizing. Judging.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat. Why did you have to mess everything up? It was so perfect.

Jonah returned to the car a few minutes later, sliding in behind the wheel. “You okay?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, I…I guess.” Noble stared down at his hands in his lap. “Are you…going to take me home?”

Jonah twisted in his seat and stroked his fingers through Noble’s hair. “Not if I can possibly help it.” he smiled. “Do you want me to take you home?”

Shaking his head slowly, Noble whispered, “No.”

“Good.” Jonah leaned over and kissed his face, then murmured, “It’s going to be okay, Noble. I promise. You’ll beat this.”

Swallowing tightly, Noble looked at him. “I can feel him watching me…all the time.”

“Who?” Jonah asked softly, fingertips combing his hair.

“My dad.” He shook his head, a stinging in his eyes, “I’m scared shitless, Jonah. Scared of him finding out that I’m still…” his lips tightened, tears threatening as he met Jonah’s gaze. “He thinks he…got rid of it.”

 

......................

 

Jonah stared at him, face tight. Got rid of it? The fear in Noble was real, and powerful. “What the hell did he do to you, Noble?” He rubbed his hands down the back of the man’s head, gripping his neck gently. “I saw your back. You don’t get scars from just one incident, unless it’s really bad.”

“It wasn’t…just once.” Noble sniffed and wiped at his eyes. “Every time he just…thought I was acting like a…queer…he would…” his lips pressed tight, trembling. “He would use his belt on me. And sometimes…his fists.”

Fury exploded inside Jonah and he had to bite it back. “And no one…saw any of this?”

“He never hit me where it showed. Never…touched my face.”

“Did your mom…”

Noble’s chin trembled, and Jonah was fairly sure just then he was capable of murder. Not the quick version either. Love your enemies? His own, maybe. But anyone who hurt the man he loved? Fuck them. They could rot in hell.

“My mom…she knew.” He bit his lip, face pinching as his eyes filled. “She didn’t want me to…to be a faggot anymore than my dad did.” He rubbed the back of his hand across his cheek when the tears began to run free.

Jonah’s breath puffed from his nostrils as his pulse quickened with the force of his rage. “So she just let him…fucking beat you?

He ducked his head, and tears dripped off his face onto his shirt. “I asked her once, to please make him stop.” He choked softly, “She said he was doing what he had to do because…he loved me and didn’t want me to…go to hell.”

Motherfuckers! Jonah sat back in his seat, hand squeezing his mouth. Tears burned and pooled. “And these are the people Rebecca called in to help you?” Jonah said tightly, bitterly.

“She doesn’t know.” Noble whispered. “About any of it.”

“What?” Jonah’s tone turned brittle. “She’s never asked you what happened to your back? Where those scars came from?”

A shaky breath slid up Noble’s throat. “She’s never seen them.”

Jonah stared at him. “In two years…she’s never seen them?”

His lips tightening, Noble shook his head slowly. “I’ve never…undressed in front of her. I wouldn’t even take off my shirt around her. I didn’t want her to see…or know.” He swallowed thickly. “I knew that after we were married, I would have to tell her something about why I had them. But I didn’t want her to know the truth. I just wanted it…in the past. I thought I was…healed. So I didn’t see any reason digging it all up.”

Jonah reached over and cupped his head, drawing Noble to him. He kissed him deep, warm then hugged him close. “All that shit is over, baby.” He whispered tightly and kissed his hair. “Like I said before, if your dad wants to get to you – he’ll have to come through me. And right now – I want him to try.”

Noble buried his face in Jonah’s neck. “I didn’t mean to cast a dark cloud over our first date.” He said quietly, voice straining. “I’m sorry.”

The man’s incessant need to worry about everything only made Jonah love him more. He smiled and dipped his head, kissing the man’s cheek. “No worries, baby.” He murmured. “I know how to get rid of them.” He lifted Noble’s chin and kissed his lips. “Why don’t we find someplace a bit more private?”

Noble tensed just a little, but it wasn’t alarming. “Okay.”

Pulling back, Jonah started the car, then leaned over again and laid one more kiss on Noble’s mouth. “We shall see clear skies again before this night is over.” Another kiss. “Mark my words.”

 


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