Made To Be Broken

Made To Be Broken

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Chapter25 (v.1) - Who I Am

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: February 13, 2014

Reads: 696

Comments: 5

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: February 13, 2014

A A A

A A A

Who I Am

 

“And, after all these years of living

I’ve begun to understand

I can try to be like someone else

But it won’t change, no it won’t change

Who I am.”

 

- God Knows I Tried,RAY BOLTZ

*  *  *  *

“Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make a sound
I found a way to let you in
But, I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now.”

 

- Halo,  BEYONCÉ

 

______________________________

 

 

“You going to be all right?” Jonah murmured. “You sure you don't want me to stick around?”

Noble played with the buttons of Jonah's shirt. “I want you to.” he smiled. “But I need to talk to Rebecca alone. Make her try to understand the way things are.”

“Hmm, good luck with that.” Jonah chuckled softly and kissed him, but didn't pull back, drawing Noble deeper into the kiss and his embrace. A slight dizziness swept over him and he held onto Jonah more tightly, their bodies melding, the need for one another quite evident.

“Jonah...” Noble gasped softly, breaking their kiss.

“I know.” Jonah groaned and loosened his hold. “I can't help myself, though.” he smiled and rubbed his lips across Noble's mouth. “It's your fault. You're so damn desirable.”

Shaking his head, Noble laughed quietly then met Jonah's heated gaze. “I want to...be with you, Jonah...I do.” His lips tightened and he glanced down, fingering the man's shirt. “But...I need things settled with Rebecca.”

“I understand.” Jonah laced his fingers against Noble's lower back and held him against him. “It shows you're a man of integrity.” he smiled and nuzzled his ear, “Unlike me...'cause I'd take you right here on the kitchen table if you'd let me, and to hell with anyone else.”

“You are bad.” Noble grinned, not hating the idea himself.

“That's your fault too.” Jonah chuckled and kissed him softly.

“So all your bad behavior is my fault?”

“Indeed.” Jonah murmured. He kissed him again. “Will you have dinner with me tonight?”

Noble shook his head. “You have a lot of brass...asking me out right after you blame me for everything.”

“I know.” Jonah grinned and kissed his neck, nibbling his skin until Noble moaned softly. “So will you?”

Another groan, and Noble dropped his forehead against Jonah's shoulder and smacked his arm lightly, “You don't play fair.” he muttered.

“If I played fair,” Jonah nipped his earlobe. “I might lose.”

Sighing, Noble pressed his face to the man's neck and breathed in his faint scent of cologne. “No you wouldn't.” he whimpered, then laughed softly.

“Well, I'm going to be optimistic here and take that as a yes?

“Fine.” Noble groaned. “Yes.” He raised his head, pulse quickening and heart swelling at the look of pure joy in Jonah's eyes. Why are you so thrilled to be with me? He wondered honestly, not understanding how someone like himself could incite such...passion and desire in a man like Jonah. A dark cloud hovered over this moment though – he still had to talk to Rebecca. And he had to do it before his dinner date with Jonah. “I need to speak with Rebecca first. I won't feel right about...all this, until I call off the wedding.” Despite everything, he felt a little heartsick at having to tell her. She was trying so hard to ignore the obvious signs that it was over between them, and insist he was just sick and needed to be fixed. But playing along wouldn't do either of them any good. She had to face reality.

 

......................

 

The first thing he noticed was Noble's bandaged hand. The second? The look of freedom in the young man's eyes. Like an exonerated prisoner stepping out of his cell for the first time in years. The boy entered the kitchen almost cautiously, glanced around quick then met Mason's stare. “Where is...everyone?”

“Still at the church,” Mason shrugged. “As far as I know.”

“But...you're not?” Noble's brow pinched. “Why?”

Raising an eyebrow, Mason met his question with a question. “Why aren't you?”

Noble shifted then shrugged, “I don't...want that. It...it isn't for me.” He almost cringed as if steeling himself for an assault. But Mason could hardly blame the boy. It seemed whenever he had a thought of his own, or tried to make his own choices – he was attacked.

Sighing, Mason nodded then reached over with his foot and slid out a chair, motioning Noble to sit. “I guess it wasn't for me either.”

Noble walked over to the table and sat down in the chair. “What happened?”

“Lets just say...the pastor and I had a difference of opinion.” Mason told him. “It looks like I will be searching for a new church.”

Guilt shadowed Noble's eyes. “Is it my fault?” he asked quietly, his gaze averted.

“No, son.” Mason assured quickly. “It isn't. I just can't sit under the teachings of a biased pastor.”

Noble shook his head slowly, “He always seemed so...caring and understanding.”

“Seemed that way to me as well.” Mason admitted. “But I guess it's easy to be accepting of those you think conform to your own way of thinking.” He shook his head and his chest tightened with that ache only a parent can experience when their child is ostracized. “I can't imagine Jonah will want to return to that church.”

“I don't.” Noble murmured.

Mason chewed his lip absently, “I don't want you to.” he gazed at the young man with a sense of love as if he were his own flesh and blood. “You don't need to be under the influence of people who are so focused on their agenda that they can't see what they're doing to those they're claiming to help.” Mason reached over and tapped his finger on the table close to Noble's wrapped hand. “What happened here?”

A hard sighed escaped Noble. “Stupidity.”

Nodding, Mason admitted, “Well, we've all been there.”

Noble licked his lips slowly and met Mason's gaze with anxious eyes that adopted a faint sheen of tears. “Mason, I can't...” his lips pressed tight and he swallowed hard. “I can't...marry Rebecca.”

He had been waiting for this from the moment Noble had admitted he was gay. Because in that second, he'd known where – and with whom – the boy's heart resided. Mason should have known that Jonah wouldn't have fallen for a straight man. If he had looked in Noble's eyes and saw no sign there whatsoever that Noble could be attracted to men...Mason believed Jonah would have walked away, without an emotional attachment.

“I know.” Mason said. “I think I've known that for awhile now.”

The sheen of tears thickened in the young man's eyes and his gaze shifted down to the table. “I...” a breath shuddered up his throat as he seemed to struggle with his words. “I...love Jonah.”

Of course, Mason had seen this as well. But for Noble to say it out loud – it was a monumental step for the boy. And to actually hear him say it, brought tears to Mason's eyes. To see Jonah so in love after all these years of quietly suffering from the loss of Patrick, unable – or possibly unwilling – to really love someone again...it broke Mason's heart to think of his son being hurt again, on any level.

But this was a no-win situation; for Jonah to get his love, Rebecca had to lose hers. And though Mason wasn't too happy with her right now, he had accepted her as his daughter and loved her as such. He didn't wish to see her hurt either. Though he couldn't shake the feeling that she was holding onto Noble so tight because Jonah loved him and wanted him. Of course she had real feelings for Noble...but was she truly in love with him? Had she ever been? Colleen had told him about them meeting up with Keith in the city. She feared her daughter still harbored feelings for the man. Strong feelings.

Mason covered Noble's good hand with his own and squeezed gently. “I know you are, son.” he said softly.

“Do you think...” a pained look pinched Noble's face and his tears welled thicker. “Do you think...God disapproves?” His eyes closed and a tear pushed out, coursing down his cheek. “Is it wrong for me to love him this way?”

Squeezing his hand again, Mason murmured, “Listen to your heart, Noble. What is it telling you?”

He swallowed thickly, his throat working, “That...Jonah feels...right.” Another tear followed the first one. “More right than anything has ever felt in my life.” When he met Mason's eyes, he could see the guilt the boy harbored for loving another man, surely rooted into him right from the start. The fact that he was even admitting to himself that he was truly in love with a man – was nothing short of a miracle.

“How do I tell Rebecca?” he whispered. “I tried...back at the church. But she...she doesn't hear me. She just thinks I'm sick and...I'm being...manipulated.”

“I won't lie and tell you it's going to be easy.” Mason said. “But all you can do is tell her...it's up to her whether or not she accepts it. But as long as you talk to her, and explain how you feel...you can't blame yourself or feel guilty if she refuses to hear what you're saying.”

Noble sighed, “I know.” he wiped his face. “I hate this. I don't want to hurt her, but...I can't pretend not to feel this way. I-”

The front door opened and the entry hall was suddenly filled with Colleen's and Rebecca's voices. A visible tension gripped Noble and he quickly rubbed away any remaining residue of his tears.

Rebecca paused in the kitchen doorway. “Noble.” there was a pinch to her voice. “I figured you be off somewhere...cavorting with Jonah.”

Standing slowly to his feet, Noble slid his hand through his hair. “Rebecca...we need to talk.”

 

......................

 

“Why couldn't we just talk at the house?” Rebecca sat across from him at a small table in the quaint little coffee shop. Noble cradled a cup of plain coffee in his palms while Rebecca sipped at a low fat latte.

“I wanted to speak to you alone.” Noble's stomach churned. He felt caught in an alternate dimension. Such a short while ago, he and Rebecca had been attending their engagement party, a bright future ahead of them. How bright was it really? You were living in an illusion.

Rebecca fidgeted and her lips tightened. “And tell me what, Noble?” She raised her eyes to his. He could see it in her stare that she knew exactly what he meant to say – how could she not? – yet she clearly intended to make him say it. And why shouldn't she? He didn't deserve for her to make it easy on him to any degree.

“Becca...” his throat tried to close, pinching off his words, but he forced them through anyway. “I can't...I don't want to...live my life in disguise. Pretending to be someone I'm not.” As he looked in her eyes, Noble saw the wall go up. And in that moment, she ceased hearing him. But even so, he had to say it. “I'm so sorry, Becca.” he whispered, eyes stinging. “But I can't...marry you.”

A short, stale laugh escaped her as tears glossed her eyes. “I bet you couldn't wait to get that out.” she whispered bitterly. “Did Jonah coach you?”

Licking his lips slowly, Noble shook his head. “This isn't about Jonah.”

Another cold laugh and she stared at him, incredulously. “Are you serious?” she shook her head in disbelief. “Not about Jonah? All of this is about Jonah. You're seriously going to sit there and try to convince me it isn't?

Noble rubbed his eyes and released a slow breath; of course he understood her reaction. Had expected it. He cleared his throat. “Jonah didn't make me gay, Rebecca. I would have come to this point eventually, whether or not I had ever met Jonah.”

“Just much sooner since meeting him.” she said, her tone brittle.

“Yes.” Noble admitted. “But...would you have honestly preferred that we were married a few years and then have me come to this realization? Break up our marriage?” He shook his head. “I wouldn't want that. I would rather face it now, before we took that step and we both truly got hurt.”

Her eyes filled and her lips twitched with a humorless smile. “Well, I'm glad that it's still soon enough for you not to be hurt.”

“I didn't mean it like that, Becca.” Noble murmured. “I just meant...it's better that we see this for what it is before we start building a life together.”

“Don't you get it?” Rebecca wiped at her eyes. “We've already been building a life together, for the last two years.” she shrugged. “Does none of that mean anything to you?”

“Of course it does.” Noble whispered. His chest tightened and he began to loathe himself for doing this to her. Had he really thought he could marry a woman and be content? Yes, you did. You thought she was the answer to your prayers.

She reached over and gripped his hand. “Then why are you so quick to throw it away? These feelings you have, Noble...they will pass. This isn't you. And I can't believe this is really what you want. I understand how...overwhelming...Jonah can be.” her face softened along with her tone. “He is very handsome, and can be quite charming...he has a powerful presence. But one day, Noble...you're going to snap out of it. You'll wake up and realize you're in something that isn't right, and no longer feels right. But it will be too late, because by then  everything we had...will be gone.”

Noble rested his head in his hand. “I told you,” he whispered thickly. Tears gathered on his lashes. “This isn't about Jonah. It's about me. Who I am inside.”

“And I told you back at the church, Noble,” Rebecca said. “I know who you are. It's you who...seems to have forgotten.”

The weight of the tears on his lashes became too much and they began to drip onto the table. Brow pressed into his palm, he watched them hit in tiny explosions. How was it that Rebecca could always fill him with doubt? Make him question his own feelings?

“Noble,” she said gently, “I know you're going through a really rough time. And I'm not angry with you for walking out on the meeting with Jack. I understand if you were overwhelmed. Even Jack understood. He's been in your place, he knows how difficult it can be to overcome something like this. But it is possible.” she smiled, “Jack is living proof.”

Jack. Had Noble just imagined that look of envy in the man's eyes? Or did some part of him not want Jack to be healed, so as to support his own inability to fight this? What if it had been sympathy – rather than envy – that he'd seen? What if the man truly had been healed? Would that mean that God really did reject homosexuality? Why would he heal someone of something that wasn't wrong?

“What is it you want me to do, Rebecca?” he asked thickly. “Go to the meetings with Jack?”

“Yes.” she replied emphatically. “Of course the first meeting is going to be tough, and it's going to make you feel like you don't belong there – and Jonah's interference didn't help any. But they will get easier, Noble. And you will begin to feel better and understand that you don't have to be a victim of these emotions trying to take over your mind and body. You can take control.”

A victim? Was that what he was? The sudden recollection of Jonah's warm body pressed up close to his, the man's strong arms wrapped protectively around him, and his kiss...oh god, that kiss...if the sensations and emotions all that incited was how it felt to be a victim – Noble could only hope he would continue being victimized.

“No. Rebecca.” his hand slid over his face. “I'm not going back. This isn't something I can be healed from. I have to come to terms with it...and accept myself as I am.”

Shaking her head slowly, Rebecca stood. “This isn't over, Noble.” her voice strained with emotion. “We're not over. I won't accept that. I can only pray and trust that God will bring you to your senses before the wedding.”

Noble stood. “Rebecca,” he said, frustration gripping him. “Please try to understand. There isn't going to be a-”

“Stop.” Rebecca held up her hand to silence him. “I'm not calling off the wedding, Noble. God will fix this.” she licked her lips then pressed them tight. “He will fix you. Everything will be okay, you'll see.”

“Rebecca-”

She walked away and left the coffee shop. Noble sat down heavy in his chair and his head dropped into his hands. Did she really love him this much – that she would fight so hard to keep them together? If he fought a little harder as well...could they save their relationship? But fighting for them would mean...pushing Jonah away again. A sick dread twisted his guts and hollowed out his heart. He couldn't deny that the thought of letting go of Jonah hurt so much more than the thought of letting go of Rebecca. It broke his heart to see her fighting so hard for something that couldn't be saved...but to fight along with her would only be prolonging the inevitable.

 

......................

 

The long cool shower did little to soothe his overheated body, but it helped somewhat. As he pulled on a pair of black suit pants and slipped into a dark blue, long sleeve button shirt, Jonah’s insides began to churn and pinch. He was nearly tempted to turn off his phone in fear that Noble would text or call and cancel their dinner date. He was never in good shape after talking to Rebecca. And with what he meant to tell her…who the hell knew how she would react, or what arsenal she would hit him with. He had seemed strong when they had parted at his apartment earlier, but Noble was still on that tightrope.

But Jonah chose to be optimistic and left his phone on; too much had gone haywire the last time he’d shut it off. He didn’t want to take any chances.

He stood before the mirror in the bathroom and splashed on some musk cologne then combed his hair, still damp from the shower. His hand slid over his jaw and a crooked smile tugged up the left corner of his mouth. “Smooth as a baby’s butt.”

As he gazed at his image, he accepted that he was a damn handsome man. But tonight, he felt like the lucky one, to be graced with Noble’s presence, his attention and – God, willing – his affection. The guy had all the proper effects on him, and – in some instances – improper effects. Jonah was somewhat partial to the improper effects.

“Behave tonight.” He pointed a finger at his reflection and gave himself a stern, serious look. “You ruin this and I’ll kick your ass.”

 

......................

 

Are you really ready for this?

Noble fidgeted, straightening his white shirt, fussing with his hair though it was fine the way it was. He was clean shaved with a dash of Wild Country cologne. His fingers shook as he buttoned the cuffs of his sleeves then tucked the hem of the shirt into his tan cotton dockers. His heart thumped solidly against his ribs and he felt a bit light-headed. Never had he felt so nervous getting ready for a date. Every nerve in his body surfaced and tingled his skin at the mere thought of Jonah’s touch. His lips grew sensitive in anticipation of the man’s kiss. Other parts responded as well but he tried to close his mind to that.

He glanced at his watch and grew more nervous. Jonah would be there soon. Was he ready to come out this far? Take it public and go out on a date with another man for all to see? Once it was known beyond his little circle, there could be no going back. No place to hide anymore. There were always those who would ridicule – how would he handle that? Was he strong enough to stand up to it?

Doubt began to gouge at his heart and mind. Had he considered the possible repercussions when he’d agreed to have dinner with Jonah? Why should something as simple as sharing a meal with someone have to be such a big deal?

The doorbell rang and Noble’s knees went weak. Oh God, he’s here. His heart slammed harder against his ribs, pulling his breath from his lungs. Though he tried to move, walk down the hall and open the door – his feet rooted to the floor and refused to budge. Keep calm and breathe. It’s just dinner. Besides the fact that he was pretty sure he couldn’t eat a single bite of food with his stomach as nervous as it was, nothing with Jonah was just a simple event. The man’s presence alone made everything an extravaganza.

The doorbell rang a second time. He could envision Jonah standing on the other side, hands clasp patiently behind his back, prepared to wait there all night if that’s how long it took for Noble to open the door. So if he’d had any wild notions of chickening out and hoping Jonah would just leave, they were dashed by the understanding that Jonah had the patience of Job.

Taking a deep breath, Noble walked to the door, released the breath slowly and opened it. He bit back a small laugh as Jonah stood with his back to the door, gazing around absently, hands clasped behind his back casually. But when he turned at the sound of the door, Noble’s mind went numb at the sight of him. The man always looked good, but tonight…Noble groaned inwardly and nearly fainted as Jonah’s cologne filled his nostrils and seeped down through his body, settling in all the wrong places.

He fought the desperate need to pull the man inside and rush him to his bedroom and drown in his scented body.

A low whistle brought him back to his senses. “Mmmm.” Jonah groaned as his violet eyes took their time surveying Noble’s body, then up to his face. He reached out and rubbed the back of his fingers down Noble’s smooth face. “Nice.” He smiled, then sighed. “I told myself I had to behave tonight…do I have to listen?” He leaned down for a kiss, and Noble turned his cheek to him at the last second.

“Yes.” Noble smiled.

Jonah groaned in agony and nuzzled his ear. “You’re a cruel tease,” he growled, then added with a whimper, “Fuck, you smell good.”

Noble trembled. Oh god, so do you, baby.

 


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