Made To Be Broken

Made To Be Broken

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Chapter20 (v.1) - Here To Stay

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: January 12, 2014

Reads: 727

Comments: 12

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: January 12, 2014

A A A

A A A

Here To Stay

 

Desperate for changing, starving for truth

I'm closer to where I started, I'm chasing after you

Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete

I'll take your invitation, you take all of me

There's nothing else to lose, there's nothing else to find

There's nothing in the world that can change my mind

*  *  *  *

I'm falling even more in love with you

Letting go of all I've held on to

I'm standing here until you make me move

I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm living for the only thing I know

I'm running and not quite sure where to go

And I don't know what I'm diving into

Just hanging by a moment here with you.”

 

- Hanging By A Moment, LIFEHOUSE

___________________________________

 

“I have to talk to him, dad.” Desperation was seeping in. He needed to see Noble, face to face. If he could just talk to him, look in his eyes...touch him...he was sure the guy would come with him. Just take him out of this place – and fuck anyone who didn't like it. Maybe that was being selfish, but if selfishness saved Noble from the stress and bullshit that had become Patrick's undoing...then to hell with everyone else. Jonah didn't give a fuck. Noble would not suffer Patrick's fate – even if it meant alienating his dad as well as everyone else

“Jonah.” Mason sighed, his lips tight. “You can't just rush in.”

“Why?” Jonah asked tightly. “Why can't I?” He jabbed his finger at the air. “They're going to have his mind so fucked up he won't even know who he fucking is. How is he supposed to make a rational, clear headed decision with Rebecca and the rest of those fucking hypocrites ramming shit into his head?”

The man rubbed his hand slowly over his mouth and sighed again. “Son, I know how you feel about such programs – and I agree with you wholeheartedly – but you need to also keep in mind that many of these people truly believe they are helping, and doing God's will. They're misguided...but they aren't all of them bad people.”

“You know what, dad?” Jonah released a hard breath. “I get that, I do. But do you realize how many people have been harmed – even killed – in the name of God? By those who believed they were wholly in God's will?” He shook his head, his hand snaking to the back of his neck and rubbing hard. “But dead is dead. All the fucking good intentions behind the tragedy don't change a fucking thing. Patrick's fucked up parents surely thought they were doing what was best for him too. But you know what?” His throat tightened, anger and pain pushing tears into his eyes. “He's still fucking dead.”

His dad rubbed his eyes.

“I'm sorry you have to be caught in the middle of this, dad.” Jonah said quietly. “I don't mean to cause you more stress, I know you're trying to keep all of your family together and at peace.” he shook his head slowly, chest squeezing. “But if because of her problem with me – Rebecca pushes Noble over the edge...I swear to God, dad – I will wring her fucking neck. And I don't mean maybe.”

Mason sat down, raking a hand through his hair. “I want to protect Noble as well, Jonah.” he said. “But you have to understand...he's very confused right now. Obviously, he has strong feelings for you...to send you that message. But he also has a lifetime of beliefs that have been forced on him, rooted into his psyche. And that can't be undone overnight. It can takes years, even. And sometimes...one never truly gets over it all.” He looked at Jonah. “Don't think I can't see or feel how much you care about him, son. And the fact that he's struggling so hard says a lot about how strong his feelings are for you. And I believe you can be of great help to him in accepting who he is.”

Licking his lips slowly, Jonah raised an eyebrow. “But?”

Mason sighed. “But...it has to be done the right way. The last thing Noble needs right now is someone else telling him how he feels or what he should do.” he nodded. “Even if this time...that someone is right.”

 

.......................

 

When the knock on the door came at seven the next morning, Noble was still half asleep – though not fitfully so. Sometime during the night, his restless feet had kicked the blankets off the bed, and now the sheets wrapped around his body like a mummy's shroud. God knew, he felt as decimated.

His head hurt from endless hours of battling his thoughts, struggling to convince himself what he needed to do, what the right thing to do was...when all the time the words of Jonah's note looped through his mind. It didn't matter that Rebecca had burned it – the instant his eyes drew the words in, they were imprinted in his memory.

Knuckles wrapped on th door again. Noble groaned and rolled onto his back, his hand flattening on his forehead. He closed his eyes. Rebecca. No doubt come back to apologize and show him kindness and sweetness, tell him she really did support him and want him to get better. Better. He shook his head slowly; better than what? Whether she realized it or not, this is who he had been for the past two years. He had just hidden it well. Or rather...hadn't believed it was who he was himself.

Fuck. His head throbbed harder. Just go away. I don't want to hear you right now. Just leave me alone.

More knuckle rapping – and it occurred to him that if it were Rebecca, she would have just let herself in. She did have a key. His brow pinched and he sat forward, unwinding the sheet from around his body. Why was someone knocking on his door this early-

To be sure and catch you home. A scalp prickling shiver ran through him. No, it isn't him...it can't be him...I'm not ready to see him yet.

He left the bed and pulled on his pants, hands shaking, stomach doing little flip-flops behind his belly button. He grabbed a white undershirt and slipped it on, then combed his fingers through his bed hair as he walked to the front door.

A long hesitation when his hand wrapped around the door knob, spiking his pulse. What if it is him? What will you do? He didn't have a clue as his thoughts jumbled up around themselves. Taking a deep breath, he twisted the handle and opened the door.

“Noble.” Mason smiled. “You are conscious after all.”

“Uh...” Noble glanced past him quickly, half expecting Jonah to be with him. And when he saw he wasn't, he waited for the relief to rush in. But it wasn't relief that grabbed him...but instead – pure, unadulterated disappointment. “Sorry...it took me so long to answer.” He finger combed his hair some more and stepped back, doing his best to veil the disappointment that shouldn't be coursing through him. “Come in.”

Mason cleared his throat and glanced at him as he closed the door then led the way to the kitchen. “I don't have any coffee ready, but I can make some real quick.”

“Actually.” Mason said. “I came by to see if you wanted to go out for coffee, maybe some breakfast?”

Noble dragged a hand down his face. “Yeah...I guess.” he shrugged, wishing rather to go back to bed. But just laying there, thinking...he didn't need anymore of that. His head already hurt from the war raging inside his skull. “Sure.” Maybe a distraction from his thoughts was just what he needed. “Can you give me fifteen minutes to shower?”

“Of course.” Mason nodded and smiled. “No rush.”

 

.......................

 

“Rebecca came home last night...pretty upset.” Mason watched the young man over the rim of his coffee cup.

Noble fidgeted and stirred his coffee needlessly, eyes down. “We...had a disagreement.” was all he offered, and Mason said nothing about Rebecca's freak out about Jonah going into Noble's apartment while he was gone – and then the note. Dear Lord, the walls had nearly crashed down from her fury, insisting she never wanted Jonah around Noble again. More had been said – screamed – before she'd went to her room and slammed the door.

This morning, she had been silent, speaking to no one. On a deeper level she wasn't ready to face just yet – she knew she had already lost Noble. And to Jonah, of all people. But until she faced the truth of the issue with Keith...she wouldn't relinquish her hold on Noble – if only to prevent Jonah from having him. He could see it in her eyes – Jonah had been the cause of her losing the love of her life, so she would be the cause of him never having Noble. Mason couldn't help but feel it had less to do with her still wanting to marry the boy...and more with revenge. Even if she didn't realize it just yet. But where did that leave Noble? Right in the middle to be torn in two.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mason asked the young man.

“No.” Noble whispered and removed the spoon form his cup and laid it on a napkin.

Mason nodded slowly and sipped his coffee. “Are you still going to meet with Jack Hayden?”

Glancing up sharply, Noble frowned. “Why wouldn't I?”

“No reason.” Mason said. “Just wondering.”

Noble cleared his throat as he dumped cream into his coffee, then picked up the spoon again, stirring some more. “I told Rebecca I would.” he murmured.

“Do you want to?” Mason asked softly.

“I said I would.” Noble repeated.

“I know that.” Mason gazed at him, though the boy kept his eyes averted. “But do you want to?”

Noble shook his head. “What do you mean?”

“I mean,” Mason paused until Noble looked at him. “Do you want to...or are you doing it because everyone says it's what you should do? How do you feel about it?”

A shadow darkened his eyes. “It is what I should do.” he whispered, a barely detectable note of despair in his voice. “I have to try to...get better.”

“I'm not telling you not to talk to him, Noble.” Mason explained. “If it's really what you want, then I understand. But don't let others force you into something you don't want to do. This is your life, first and foremost.”

“But it isn't...just my life.” Noble murmured. “Rebecca and I...” His voice caught, faltered. “We're going to be married. I owe it to her as her future husband...to get healed.” He shook his head. “And above all...my life is God's. If this is what He wants of me...to be clean...”

“I don't think God has a problem with you, Noble.” Mason said softly.

Tears began to slowly pool in Noble's eyes, but he said nothing as he merely sipped his coffee, his throat working as he fought to control his emotions.

God doesn't hate you, son. Sometimes He just has to tear a man down to his foundation...so He can build him back up stronger.

 

.......................

 

To be clean.

Something in those words twisted his guts with nausea. Cleanse me from all filthiness of the flesh. The basis of one of the scriptures his dad had beat into him. Quite literally. He was filthy – and his dad had never let him forget it. Every glance that landed on a boy, even accidentally, without purpose or meaning – his lesson was renewed. When in the presence of his dad, he rarely lifted his eyes from the ground, terrified a rogue look would pass over someone of his own gender. Once, a man had held a door for him out of sheer courtesy while he entered a store, and his polite thank you had earned him yet another lashing. When his father had caught him watching a movie that happened to flash a beach scene of a handsome young man wearing only swim trunks – a lashing wasn't enough. That time his dad had used his fists, leaving his body bruised and swollen, though careful not to touch his face. A beaten face couldn't be concealed and hidden behind the lie of a Christian family.

And with every lash of the belt, every swing of his fists – God hates fags! He will burn all faggots in hell! When other teen boys were out fishing or playing ball with their fathers...Noble was spending every conscious second of his life fighting his sinful nature and just trying to be the straight son his father demanded him to be.

“Noble?” Mason reached across the table and gently gripped his wrist. “Son, what's wrong?”

The coffee was blurring, shimmering. A warm tear weaved down his cheek. He blinked quick and wiped it away in a hurry. “Nothing.” he licked his lips, cleared his throat and took a drink of his coffee. To this day, he would catch himself averting his eyes from men, and almost panicking if his gaze happened to linger more than a second or two.

Why it had been different with Jonah, he didn't know. Maybe because the man hadn't allowed Noble to ignore him, his presence too demanding. And what he'd done with him...if his father found out today about that – Noble had no doubt the man would beat him half to death...if not all the way.

Mason squeezed his wrist with affection then released him and scooted out of the booth seat. “Will you excuse me for a moment?” he stood up. “I left my phone in the car and I'm expecting an important call.”

Noble nodded. When the man left, he scooted across the seat to the window and stared blankly at the passing cars, occasional pedestrians. Across the street, a man came out of the hardware store with two teenage boys. They were smiling and the younger of the two boys seemed excited about something, which caused the man to laugh. When the true horror had started in his life, he used to fantasize about what it would be like if his father loved him. Or even just liked him. Would he have done things with him, had father/son days where they just had fun and enjoyed one another's company? After awhile, it had hurt too much to think about. His father would never accept him or love him. Even if he managed to walk that thin line with skill and precision – which he had learned to do – deep down, his father would always know what he was...and hate him for it.

When he'd met Mason – the man was everything his own father wasn't, but wished that he was. He had to wonder now, if a large part of him wanting to be with Rebecca...was because he just wanted Mason for a father-in-law. Noble had instantly bonded with the man, and Mason had treated him like one of his own right from the start.

He had told Jonah to be thankful for his father, and he'd meant it. No wonder Jonah was so together, confident...accepting of himself. How could one not grow up that way when raised by a man like Mason Harrington?

Someone sat down in the seat with him and Noble jumped – then stared in shock as Jonah's violet gaze came to rest on his face. Noble's heart went crazy as his last encounter with the man did a sudden instant replay through head, his body experiencing every sensation all over again, instigating an instant erection so hard and fierce he nearly cried.

No...no...this isn't good. Not good at all! He glanced around quick, hoping to see Mason on his way back, but he was nowhere to be found.

“He's outside on the phone.” Jonah said casually, twisting Noble's coffee cup back and forth. His eyes caressed Noble's face, slowly filling up with deep longing, warm desire. “It's just you and me.”

The man blocked his only escape route. Purposely, no doubt – in case Noble decided to bolt. But there would be no running away. He was trapped.

 

.......................

 

Maintain control!

Honestly? He wanted to say Fuck control! and just kiss the guy already. Noble pressed against the wall by the window, watching him like trapped prey. Jonah knew just how to soothe his fears...but this was neither the time or place.

He sighed and looked down at the cup as he continued to twist it slowly. “Did you get my note?”

“Yes.” Noble whispered, voice tight.

Jonah turned his gaze back on the man. Something skittered past behind his eyes then went into hiding again. “Noble...there is nothing I wanted more than for you to come with me.” He forced his hands to remain on the cup and not just grab the guy and drag him into his arms. Damn, baby, it isn't fair that you can make my heart race like a cracked out bunny rabbit. “I had no idea you would message me. If I'd thought for one second you would...my phone would have stayed on, twenty-four seven.” His lips pressed tight. “The only reason I even left was because...I thought you were never coming back to me. I know I acted hastily but...it hurt to be here...without you.”

An instant before Noble looked away, Jonah noted the gloss in his eyes. Baby, don't fight me. Just come home with me...lets finish what we started. I promise...you'll never want to leave again.

“I shouldn't have...sent it.” Noble's voice thickened with tears. “It was a mistake. I wasn't...in my right mind.”

“No, Noble.” Jonah twisted in the seat and stretched his arm along the back. “For once, you were in your right mind.” He leaned over a fraction and cupped the back of Noble's head, his voice softening, lowering. “You were thinking clearly for the first time. Thinking for yourself...rather than letting others tell you what to think...what to feel.”

Noble tensed beneath his touch, but he could feel the man wanting to succumb to it. Maybe it's all just your imagination. But it wasn't. Noble would have never sent that text if he hadn't considered his options and made his choice. Maybe now he thought it had been a mistake, but in that instant – he had chosen Jonah. And for a man like Noble to come to such a decision...it bordered on a miracle.

His fingertips played through the hair at the nape of his neck. A gentle shudder sifted down through Noble's body. “Dad told me about Jack Hayden, the Purity program.” A distant note of bitterness crept into his voice, there was no stopping it. Still, he refused to allow himself to make demands. “I won't pretend to think it's a good idea. I've seen what those programs do to people. When I was a teenager, my best friend...” his throat squeezed, pinching his words with emotion. His gaze drifted down to the table, distant as his voice softened to a whisper. “when he came out...his parents forced him into those programs.”

Jonah raised his eyes and Noble was staring at him, brow tight, eyes uncertain, waiting for Jonah to continue.

“It destroyed him.” he said thickly. Tears burned and he turned away, sliding his hand over his mouth as he cleared his throat. “The things they told him...taught him...it made him hate himself. And convinced him that...God couldn't love him the way he was.” He looked at Noble, tears rising. “His parents...wouldn't let him come home until he wasn't...sick anymore.” He swallowed hard. “But he couldn't get...better.” Jonah shook his head, face tightening. “Because there wasn't anything wrong with him. But he believed there was...and the reality that he would never heal, that God would never love him...that he was going to hell...he couldn't handle it.”

Noble's throat worked, a sheen of tears in his eyes.

Ducking his head, Jonah shoved his fingers through his hair then dragged his hand down over his wet eyes as his other hand gripped the back of Noble's neck gently. “He killed himself, Noble...” His head lifted, tears thick. “Over a bunch of bullshit lies.” His chest heaved and vision blurred. “He was beautiful, and perfect.” His fingers slid through Noble's hair. “Like you.”

Turning away, Noble dropped his eyes, a tear falling free. He wiped it away, lips pressing tight as a slight tremor touched his chin.

Jonah swallowed thick and leaned close, holding the back of Noble's head. “If this...program...is what you think you need right now, Noble...” he whispered. “I won't try to force you not to do it. But don't do it simply because others are pushing you. And please,” he touched his brow to Noble's temple. “Please don't do it because you think God hates you the way you are. God loves you.” His head shifted as his lips brushed across the young man's cheek then grazed his ear softly. “Who wouldn't love you?” I love you. “You're perfect.”

 

.......................

 

Words were a foreign concept for him at that moment in time. Noble's throat was tight as a drum, his heart pounding at seismic levels, quaking his body. Jonah's hand melded into the back of his neck, searing his skin. The man's warm lips lingered against his ear, his breath swirling like a whirlwind in his head.

He sat immobilized, unable to think, not knowing what to feel. Rebecca's words – He's selfish, Noble. He just wants what he wants. He doesn't care about you – weakened, their stability wavering in the face of what Jonah was saying to him now. It's just lies – everything he says is a lie! Noble trembled, struggling to find credibility in her words. I know there is a part of you that surely thinks you have feelings for him, but...you don't, Noble. It's an illusion. A lie of the devil to draw you away into sin.

Jonah's fingertips moved lightly against his hair, causing tiny tingling sensations skittering all through his body, making his heart beat with an odd rhythm and his body...react in ways that warmed his cheeks. “I think it's a mistake.” Jonah whispered. “I don't think you need this program. But that's just my opinion...and I won't force it on you. You have enough people trying to tell you what to do...I won't be another one. You're a grown man, Noble, and no one – not Rebecca, not the church, not...me – has a right to tell you what's best for you.”

A fraction of the weight pressing on Noble's heart, his mind...lifted somewhat, startling him. Wasn't Jonah bad for him? The devil's bait to lead him into sin? If so...then why did the man's presence, his words...cause Noble to breathe easier? To feel almost...at ease...relaxed?

“You do what you have to do, baby.” Jonah's lips caressed his ear, his whispered words warm against his skin. “But I'm not going anywhere. And you can yell, punch me in the face, kick me in the balls and tell me to go to hell, if you feel the need...but I'm not budging.” His hand tightened a fraction on Noble's neck, drawing his head more securely against him. “And when – I don't say if – but when they push you over the edge...” his voice strained with emotion. “I will be right here to catch you.” He kissed him softly. “I won't lose you.”

Noble trembled, tears rising and beginning to seep out, tracing courses down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut, then his breath caught when fingertips touched his chin, turning his face. He didn't open his eyes, terrified of his need for this man. Soft lips grazed his in a kiss so light it was more torture than pleasure as his heart and body screamed for the man to deepen it...seal all that he had said.

Then the touch was gone, the kiss suddenly a mere memory. Noble was shaking, afraid to look, scared that Jonah would still be right there...and terrified that he wouldn't. His eyes opened slowly to find the seat next to him empty. Had he even really been there? Or was it just some sweet fantasy in which the man knew all the right things to say...and do?

'You're not in love with him, Noble.' Rebecca whispered in his head. 'You're in love with me.'

Noble lowered his head into his hands and closed his eyes again, struggling to find the will to believe her...and failing miserably.

 


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