“Don't Say A Word, Don't Tell A Soul”
“You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone.”
- Where Will You Go, EVANSCENCE
Just focus. It didn't mean anything. You're fine. Doing good. Think about Rebecca. Your future. God has answered your prayer. You are healed.
“Stop fidgeting.” Rebecca laughed softly. It was a sweet sound that reminded Noble of a warm summer breeze. He stared down at her as she messed with his tie; tightening the knot and fixing the collar of his white dress shirt. He could spend his life with her, be the husband she wanted and deserved. She was the answer to his prayers. He smiled; her love had delivered him. He didn't need anything else.
What about last night?
The smile melted away like ice beneath the scorching heat of the sun. His stomach knotted and he suddenly felt light headed as images from the dream came back in flashes.
Hands touching his body. A man's hands. His lips on Noble's mouth. Noble opening up to him in every way. Taken by him, consumed, used for pleasure. And allowing it to happen willingly. Wanting it, needing it. Starving for it.
A sudden twitch behind his cotton briefs shot him through with fear and anxiety. The crotch of his trousers swelled just a fraction, but it was enough to set off alarms in his head, like church bells clanging until he could hear nothing else. He'd awaken from the dream with a raging hard-on, still feeling the sensation of the man's fingertips tracing patterns on his skin, his warm lips kissing places on his body that no man had any business getting close to. His erection had been so fierce, so demanding and unrelenting that he'd had no choice but to take care of it.
While doing his business, he had struggled to keep his mind clear, free from thoughts. He hadn't wanted to do it while thinking about the dream, the way the man's strong, masculine body had felt against his as he'd entered him from behind and given him a taste of heaven unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. But it wasn't heaven. It would always be hell.
Noble shifted his feet when the memory of masturbating to the unholy dream caused his shorts to tighten a bit more. The nausea he'd felt that morning after getting off, came back on him now. The very instant he'd released, the shame had hit him hard like a judgment from God and filled him with disgust for himself. He'd dropped to his knees and cried before God, begging for forgiveness, begging God to cleanse him of the abominable thoughts and feelings.
You didn't backslide. You didn't DO anything. It was just a dream. No one can control their dreams. It doesn't mean anything. You're still okay.
Noble blinked. Rebecca was gazing up at him with a pinched brow. “Huh?” Heat seeped into his face at the memory of the dream and what he had done afterwards. He hadn't told Rebecca about it. None of it. He was too ashamed and sickened by it all to confess it out loud. Rebecca didn't know about his...problem. And she didn't need to know because it wasn't a problem anymore. He was in love with her. He desired her.
“Are you okay?” Concern singed her soft voice. “You look like you don't feel well.” She touched his face with the back of her hand. “You're a bit flushed.”
More heat warmed his cheeks, enhancing the flush. “I'm fine.” He was appalled by the sudden roughness to his voice, knowing from where it hailed. “I just...didn't sleep well last night.” He forced a smile. “Just nervous, I guess.”
Rebecca smiled and rubbed her hands gently down his chest, straightening his shirt. “No need. It's just an engagement party, Noble. It isn't the wedding.” She smiled and winked. “For that...you have my permission to be nervous.”
“Well, thank you, dear.” Noble smirked. “Much appreciated.”
“You're quite welcome.” Rebecca laughed again then stepped back. “Now, lets go greet our guests.”
She held out her hand. Noble grasp it and squeezed with affection. His thumb slid over the engagement ring he had given her when he'd proposed; this was right. This was what God wanted for his life. What he had prayed for...for years. To just simply be a man in love with a woman.
And that's what he was.
He wasn't gay.
The piercing eyes seized Noble's stare from all the way across the large room, probing him from the face of a man Noble didn't recognize. The male guest stood a head and shoulders above most of the other guests milling around. His intense eyes were locked on Noble and he didn't like that. Or rather, he didn't like the funny tickling sensation it caused deep in his lower abdomen.
Noble looked away quick. It was nothing. The man hadn't affected him that way. He was just nervous, as he'd told Rebecca, and having others stare at him too intently always made him uneasy, as if they were rooting inside his soul and glimpsing his secret sin. He chanced a glance back in the man's direction, but he was gone. An unsettling disappointment prickled his scalp. He didn't try to analyze it, simply shoved it away, unacknowledged. If he didn't look it in the face, it couldn't trap him.
When he turned back to Rebecca and her cousin, Gerard, who had come over to congratulate them, he was met with the powerful gaze of the stranger. Noble's breath caught in his throat, thankfully not loud enough to alert Rebecca – but the man hadn't missed it. A smile twitched playfully at the corner of his mouth and that funny tickle in Noble's gut returned with force, pushing lower into his groin. His cheeks heated instantly and again the man caught it.
He was so distracted by the stranger's appearance, he had failed to notice the sudden stiffness in Rebecca. Her hand squeezed his hard. Noble glanced at her. A coldness he wasn't accustomed to chilled her eyes as she glared at the man, though maintained her composure.
“Jonah.” She spoke tight lipped. “What are you doing here?”
“Just wanted to congratulate you.” Jonah's voice was just deep enough to be tantalizing, with a spec of smoothness that caressed the ears. His gaze found Noble's face and lingered. “Looks like you've made quite the catch.”
Noble's skin tingled, his hairline fizzling. Up close, the man's deep blue eyes were nearly purple, accentuated nicely by his long black lashes. His short ebony hair hugged his scalp neatly, just long enough for one to run their fingers through.
The thought slipped free and now ran wildly inside Noble's head as he struggled to catch it and lock it back up. He wanted to look away, tear his eyes from this man's invasive gaze. Really he did. But he was helpless to just stand there and ogle the beauty that Jonah was.
Rebecca moved closer to Noble and tightened her grip on his hand. “I don't want you here, Jonah.” She said. “You weren't invited.”
“But I was.” Jonah smiled and plucked an invitation from the inside of his tux jacket. “I brought it with me for moments such as this.”
“How did you...”
“Mom.” He smirked.
“Mom.” Rebecca repeated the word in a whisper. Drawing a deep breath, she released it slow. “Well, I don't know why she would invite you to my engagement party, but-”
“I am your brother.” Jonah explained as if she needed reminding. “Why shouldn't I be here?”
“Stepbrother.” Rebecca corrected tightly, with emphasis.
Noble stared at the man. Her stepbrother? In the two years he and Rebecca had been together, she'd never mentioned a brother – of any kind.
Jonah shrugged and again his deep violet eyes settled on Noble. Was that his real eye color? Noble wondered suddenly. Or merely contacts? He'd never seen anyone with eyes like that. Suddenly Jonah's hand was thrust out to Noble.
“I'm Jonah.” The man gripped Noble's stare, his unique eyes twinkling as if they shared a secret. “Jonah Harrington. Becca's brother.”
“Stepbrother.” Rebecca corrected yet again. Keeping her eyes on Jonah as if he were a predator that needed to be watched at all times, she spoke to Noble. “My stepfather, Mason, is his dad.”
Jonah's hand was still outstretched to Noble. Unable to do anything but shake his hand without seeming rude, Noble tentatively slid his palm across Jonah's. The man instantly closed his finger's around Noble's hand and squeezed lightly. Again, it had that sense of secrecy. A shaky breath rattled through Noble's chest as Jonah held his hand. And that's how it felt; like the man was holding his hand, rather than merely engaging a handshake.
The tickling sensation inside him began to spark and electrify. Noble prayed that the level of heat he felt in his face wasn't actually showing. Nestled in his crotch, his member shifted, hardened a fraction as heat seemed to pour out of Jonah and into Noble. Jonah's hand was strong, yet had a softness to it as well. Noble's dream rushed back in on him and it frightened him how easily he could insert Jonah into the place of the dream man.
His breath stuck and he pulled his hand away. A little too quickly, he realized, but he needed to break the contact and Jonah didn't seem willing to be the one to do it. Noble cleared his throat. “It's...nice to meet you.” He mumbled.
“And your name is?”
In his flustered state of mind, Noble had forgotten to introduce himself as well. “Oh, uh...Noble. Noble Richman.”
A low chuckle rumbled in Jonah's chest. “Well, that's a very noble name.” He smiled but his eyes felt heavy on Noble's face. “Seems fitting Becca would marry a man named Richman.” Jonah smirked. “Are you?”
“Uh.” Noble glanced at Rebecca then shook his head. “No. I mean, I do all right. But I'm not rich by any means.”
“Don't get sucked in.” Rebecca was still tight lipped, eyes hard. “He likes to play word games. He thinks he's clever.”
Jonah's lips rippled with that secret smile. “Yes, Noble...don't get sucked in.” The slight emphasis he put on the word sucked had the effect of being jabbed by a cattle prod.
A burning sensation coiled in Noble's groin, pooling in his testicles and filling them up, inciting a minor erection. Jonah's lips parted ever so slightly as he smiled at Noble, and he was assaulted by the sudden, unbidden image of Jonah on his knees before him, those tempting lips wrapped around Noble's member.
A hard breath escaped him and he stepped back, turning away from Jonah. He rubbed a shaky hand over his warm face. Rebecca was looking at him now.
“Noble?” The tightness was gone from her voice. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” The rasp was back in his voice. “I just-”
“Well, I see you found the bride and groom-to-be, Jonah.”
Noble turned back around at the sound of Mason Harrington's deep, pleasant voice. The man was tall – clearly the source of Jonah's height – and thick, yet in a lean way. He was a handsome man and again, it was easy to see where Jonah obtained his good looks. Noble liked Mason, had liked him the moment Rebecca had introduced him as her father. It had been a shock for him to learn Mason was her stepfather, considering their closeness. Apparently that bond she felt with the father hadn't extended to the son.
“Indeed.” Jonah grinned. Noble's knees felt rubbery beneath the glory of that grin. “I was just offering my congratulations.”
“Noble.” Colleen Harrington clasp her hands lightly together. “Would you be a darling and bring up another bottle of wine from the cellar?”
He cleared his throat and nodded. “Of course.” Then broke away from the small group, praying his legs wouldn't give out and drop him to the floor. Jonah's stare was heavy on his back as he felt the man watching him until he was out of sight. Only then did he begin to relax a measure, though his heart raced erratically and beat hard at his chest wall. As soon as he was out of sight of the guests, he leaned against the wall and sucked in deep breaths, struggling to calm his out of control pulse.
This wasn't right. This wasn't supposed to be happening. He was in love with Rebecca. This was God's plan. God had healed him. He wasn't attracted to men anymore. He wasn't!
“Please, Lord.” Noble moaned as he moved down the narrow hall towards the door to the wine cellar. “Please help me. I know this isn't from you. It's just the enemy trying to trip me up.” He reached the door and opened it, stepped inside and closed it behind him. Concrete steps led down into the cellar and Noble descended slowly, his legs still feeing unsteady. “Please give me strength. I know you've healed me, delivered me from these unhealthy feelings. Please help me in my weakness. Be my strength.”
He moved through the dimly lit cellar, found a fine merlot and slid the bottle from it's cradle.
Repeating a verse from the bible, Noble murmured, “For when I am weak, then am I strong.” He turned around to exit the cellar. “When I am weak, then am I Strong-” He yelped suddenly and dropped the wine as he nearly collided with Jonah's chest. The bottle shattered at his feet on the concrete floor, splashing the cuffs of his dress pants. “Fuck!” Noble gasped sharp.
Jonah chuckled. “You kiss Becca with that mouth?”
A sudden knot formed behind Noble's Adam's apple, clogging his airway. His throat worked as he tried to breathe. “You...you startled me.”
“No shit.” Jonah smirked, then glanced at the floor. “Sorry about that. But no worries, there's plenty more where that came from.” Jonah stepped forward, closing the small distance between them, and reached around Noble, his chest brushing lightly against Noble's pecs.
Noble bit back the sharp breathe that tried to suck in. A flush of heat swept through his body as Jonah's cologne intoxicated him. He turned his face away and tried to hold his breath, praying the man would hurry up and move back. He didn't realize his eyes were squeezed shut and fists were clenched at his sides, until Jonah stepped back and chuckled again.
“You okay, man?”
Shakes gripped Noble's body but he hoped they weren't visible. He opened his eyes. Jonah was still too close for his liking as the man gazed at him intently with those intriguing purple eyes.
“I'm...fine.” He croaked, wincing at the crack in his voice and the way his words trembled off his lips. When I am weak, then am I strong. When I-.
His breath caught and stuck when Jonah's hand touched his face, the back of his fingers pressing lightly to his cheek much the same way Rebecca had done earlier.
“Yes.” His response was too sharp, too quick as he jerked his face away from Jonah's touch. But the feel of the man's skin touching his was beginning to burn a hole in his face.
“Easy, guy.” Jonah held up his hands defensively, the bottle of wine gripped in his left hand fingers. “Don't mean no harm. Just concerned. You're looking a bit peaked.”
Anger simmered just below Noble's fear of this man. He'd been doing fine. Interacted with other men without feeling any attractions. His desires for Rebecca had been in tact. But now this man comes along and disrupts everything? Noble had to resist the sudden urge to punch the guy in his tantalizing, tempting mouth. Why was he even here? Rebecca clearly didn't want him here?
“I'm fine.” Noble bit the words off sharply, exposing his anger.
Jonah nodded slowly then grabbed Noble's hand. Noble's pulse skyrocketed at the mere touch of the other man. He started to protest when Jonah pressed the bottle of wine into his grip. “Good enough.” he said. “Here you go.”
Noble clutched the bottle, his chest heaving. He waited for Jonah to back away so he could move without touching him. Jonah stood unmoving, his low breath slipping out between his parted lips. Noble caught a faint scent of wine on his breath, smelling much stronger than it was because of the fresh wine splattered all over the floor.
Unable to just stand there anymore, Noble went to step around him when Jonah murmured, “Does Rebecca know?”
Noble stiffened and his feet stuck to the floor. He stared down at the bottle in his hand. “Know what?” Anxiety spun his guts into knots and pulled tight. He knew the man's next words before he even spoke them.
“Does Rebecca know that you're gay?”
The beat of Jonah's heart was nearly audible in the cool cellar as the man stood tensely beside Noble. Or was it simply Noble's own heartbeat he could hear echoing off the racks of wine? A dryness parched Noble's throat, he couldn't swallow. “I-I don't know what you're talking about.” He made the attempt at ignorance, but the way his words crumbled to pieces as they fell from his lips left him exposed. Still he tried. “I'm not-”
A sharp breath sucked down his throat when Jonah palmed Noble's crotch and squeezed firmly. He caught the curse word with his teeth before it burst from his mouth. His chest rose and fell hard, his breath suddenly panting from between his lips. Jonah's mouth was close to his ear as the man's strong hand nestled between Noble's thighs, making itself at home.
“You're not what, Noble?” He whispered. “Gay?” His fingers moved ever so slightly, working Noble's hard member and full testicles. Noble bit his lip hard as tears stung his eyes. Tears of shame or tears of need he wasn't sure, and didn't really want to know. His entire focus centered on Jonah's hand and how his touch was inspiring Noble to thicken and harden against his palm.
A ragged gust of air burst out of him. “Stop.” He gasped. “Please don't do this...I'm not...gay. I don't...like this.”
Using his grip on Noble's crotch, Jonah pushed him back against the wine rack. Bottles rattled, wine swished, and the wooden rack shook just a bit. Noble's back muscles depressed slightly as corks pressed against him through his tux jacket. “What're you...”
“Just proving a point.” Jonah released Noble's crotch and slid his hands up the sides of Noble's head, his fingers raking into Noble's hair. “I hate to see a man in denial.”
Jonah's warm lips grabbed at Noble's mouth, teasing him with the promise of a deeper kiss. A shudder ran through Noble's body as every nerve, every electron came to life. He pressed his hands back against the rack, gripping corked bottles in his fists. He needed something to hold onto so he wouldn't touch Jonah. His mind clashed with his desperate need for Jonah to close the deal and kiss him for real...and the reality that this was disgusting and shameful.
A whimper vibrated in Noble's throat. Jonah's lovely eyes were gazing into Noble's. Still, the man refused to kiss him with more strength, simply teased his lips, tugging gently, sucking softly. Another whimper rolled up his throat, louder this time. His eyes closed. He couldn't stare into those violet depths and not go insane.
“Please...” The trembled word slipped off Noble's lips unbidden, and that one single plea cut him through with fear and horror, but he couldn't pull it back.
“Please what?” Jonah murmured against his mouth, his warm breath slipping between Noble's lips.
Noble shuddered hard, afraid to open his eyes, for whatever reason not wanting this man to see the depth of shame he felt for merely begging for a kiss.
“Please kiss me.” Noble choked on the whispered plea, tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. He waited, his lips trembling, aching to feel the pressure of Jonah's mouth crushing his. Needing it more than he had ever needed anything in his life.
His body shook. What was he waiting for? It took him a moment to realize Jonah's fingers were pulling out of his hair. He waited tensely, anxiously, wondering where he would put his hands next. But after a moment, Jonah's presence receded. Still Noble waited, eyes closed, body pressed back hard against the wine rack, breath erratic.
The cellar door creaked and Noble opened his eyes in time to see Jonah exiting, closing the door behind him. The pooled tears coursed down over Noble's flushed cheek bones. An unexpected sob lodged in his throat and his knees weakened, pulling him down to the hard floor. His head pressed back against the rack and he closed his eyes again, more sobs grabbing at him, squeezing out a flood of tears as an unbearable rush of shame poured over him, drowning his soul.
He wasn't healed. For all the years of crying and pleading in prayer...he hadn't been delivered.
Whatsoever you ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive.
God had lied.
“What took you so long?” Rebecca smiled and took the bottle of wine from Noble's hand. “We were about to send out a search party.”
Noble's lips twitched in a weak attempt at a smile. His knees felt as it they would give out any moment. If his outward appearance was anything like he felt inside...they might well take him to the ER. Nausea was so strong in his gut he had to force himself not to vomit right there on the floor. Mason had wandered away to speak some other men. Colleen was still with Rebecca.
Glancing around uneasily, Noble did a discreet search for Jonah. The man was nowhere to be seen.
“Sweety, are you okay?” Colleen asked.
“Huh?” Noble shifted his attention back to his mother-in-law to-be. “Uh...yeah.”
“You look pale, dear.”
“So I've been told.” Noble mumbled quietly, then shuddered at the memory of Jonah's hand on his face.
“Nothing.” Noble murmured.
Rebecca touched his arm. “Hon, you're not coming down with something, are you?”
Meeting her eyes, a flood of shame and self-loathing washed over him and he looked away. “Maybe...I don't know.” He swallowed tightly and actually felt sick. “I'm not really feeling so good all of the sudden.”
“You should go lie down.” Colleen suggested.
Noble glanced uncertainly at Rebecca. “I shouldn't...”
“Go.” Rebecca smiled. “The guests can get along without you for awhile.”
Noble smiled weakly and leaned down, kissing her lips lightly – and suddenly felt Jonah's mouth on his, teasing, pulling at his lips. He flinched and drew back. “Thanks.” He started to walk away then hesitated. “Did...Jonah leave?”
Rebecca's face tightened. “Yes.” She said stiffly. “Thank the Lord.”
“Rebecca.” Colleen said softly.
“You know how I feel about him, mom.” She spoke low, glancing around as if someone might hear her. “How I feel about his...type.”
“His type?” Noble frowned, his gut twisting.
Colleen answered. “Jonah is...gay.”
No kidding, Noble mused.
“Mom.” Rebecca glanced around again. “Shhh! I don't need people to know my stepbrother is a...”
Faggot? Was that the word that was on the tip of her tongue?
“Homosexual.” she hissed.
“Hate the sin, not the sinner, darling.” Colleen said softly. “It's a form of sickness, like alcoholism, or drug addiction. They don't need our judgment, but our prayers and help.”
The need to puke heightened and Noble actually felt bile rise in the back of his throat. They. As if gays were a sub-species.
“Don't you agree, Noble?” Colleen questioned.
“I, uh...” He shrugged. “I guess. I never really...gave it much thought.” But he had. A lot of thought. And for the most part, he did agree. Homosexuality was a sickness. A vile sin that he wanted no part of.
“I get that, mom.” Rebecca said. “But Jonah...he doesn't want help. He thinks it's perfectly fine to be...that way. He even thinks it's okay with God. That is just sacrilegious. He feels no shame whatsoever.”
Colleen sighed. “Then we need to pray that God will open his eyes. Help him understand he needs to be healed, delivered. That God is there to help, if we will just call on Him.”
Noble's queasiness swelled. He almost called her on that lie. He'd sought God's healing and deliverance since he was almost fourteen. And now nine years later, he still wasn't delivered. Maybe it was true what they say; God hates fags.
© Copyright 2017 AMS1971. All rights reserved.
Book / Erotica
Book / Gay and Lesbian
Short Story / Gay and Lesbian