Made To Be Broken

Made To Be Broken

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Details

Status: Finished

Genre: Gay and Lesbian

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Summary

At age 14, Noble Richmond becomes devastatingly aware that he is gay. Being raised in a Christian home and church, Noble believes that being gay is a sin, and desperately seeks God's healing and deliverance – telling no one of his secret. Now, nine years later, Noble is engaged to a Christian girl, Rebecca, who he believes he is genuinely in love with. Convinced that God has answered his prayers and delivered him from the sin of homosexuality, Noble sees his future with Rebecca as bright and promising. But when Rebecca's step-brother, Jonah, shows up at their engagement party – Noble is forced to question his deliverance and finds himself struggling with emotions and desires he insists is not natural for one man to feel for another.

Chapter19 (v.1) - Battlefield Of Love

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: January 04, 2014

Reads: 623

Comments: 7

A A A | A A A

Chapter Content - ver.1

Submitted: January 04, 2014

A A A

A A A

Battlefield Of Love

 

Every word I say is true
This I promise you.”

 

- This I Promise You, N'SYNC

* * * *

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth.”

 

- Bleeding Love, LEONA LEWIS

__________________________________

 

 

He stared at the floor, eyes tight, chest heaving with his quickened breath. What all did he tell them? Surely not...He raised his eyes to his dad. “So...what?” he heard the note of bitterness in his own voice and wondered at it. “Don't tell me...Rebecca thinks I turned him gay? That I infected him like some disease? I'm sure she'll figure out a way to blame it on me.” He emitted a short, cold laugh. “Or did she just dump him on the spot? God knows, she wouldn't want to be associated with some filthy faggot.”

“Jonah, knock it off.” Mason ordered sternly, though not without a note of understanding.

Taking a deep, uneven breath, Jonah rubbed his hand over his mouth and released it slow. The burn in his eyes was more demanding. “So what now?” he whispered, his gaze dropping to the floor again. The toe of his shoe followed the pattern on the linoleum. “Is the wedding...still on?”

Mason sighed. “Yes.” he nodded. “Everyone seems to think that the best thing for Noble is to...join the Purity program...sponsored by the church.”

Jonah's head snapped up. “What?” he asked sharp. “What the hell is the Purity...” His dad just looked at him. Jonah shook his head slowly, pushing away from the counter. “No fucking way!”

“Jonah...”

“No!” He ground the word through clenched teeth as he began to pace the floor, raking his fingers through his hair, agitated. “They will grind his mind to fucking hamburger! You know that, dad! You fucking know it!” Tears slipped free and streaked his face. He swiped at them. “You've seen how bad off Noble already was...how poorly he was handling all this. You might not have known the reason yet, but you saw how he was. Fucking anxiety attacks, throwing up. You know,” he choked hard. “what this will do to him. How it will all end.” He backed against the counter and gripped the back of his neck with both hands, his head ducking. “Fuck!

“Jonah.” Mason left the stool. “Son, just calm down.”

Calm down?” He stared at his dad incredulously. “And do what? Huh? Just stay out of the way and watch as he's shoved to the end of his rope – and then hangs himself with it?“ Pain shot through his heart and he broke.

“Jonah...” his dad said softly, emotion straining his voice. “Son, that wasn't your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself.”

“I had him, dad.” he choked on a rush of sobs and slid down to the floor, burying his face in his arms. “I had him right there, in my arms...I should've stayed awake...I shouldn't have let him leave.” He clawed his hair, crying against his arms. “I had him! And then...he was just...gone.” He raised his head, tears flooding down, pain coursing through his body and mind, ripping at his heart. “He was fucking gone!

His dad knelt beside him and pulled him into his arms. “Son.” he whispered, his own tears right there. His lips pressed against Jonah's hair as the younger man trembled and cried. “You were just a boy, there was nothing you could do. None of us knew what was really going on.”

Breath shuddered down his throat as he pushed his back against the counter cabinets, hugging his stomach. His hands shoved through his hair then held his head, hot tears draining. “Why did he leave me? Why didn't he just stay? I would've helped him.” he choked on a cry. “I wouldn't have let them hurt him anymore...I would've found a way...” he shuddered, face pinching in sheer emotional anguish. “...to save him.”

Mason reached out and ran his fingers through Jonah's hair, then gripped the back of his neck gently. “Jonah,” his voice tightened with his own level of pain. “Patrick's death was not your fault.”

 

.......................

 

“Where's your mom?” The kitchen was empty but for Rebecca when Noble entered.

“I asked her to go home.” she said as she poured water from a tea kettle into two cups with tea bags. “I said we needed to talk alone.”

Alone. Why was it the thought of being alone with Rebecca right now caused his guts to twist? What did she want to talk about?

“Take a seat.” She nodded at the small table. Noble really just wanted to go to bed, but perhaps in letting her have her say about...whatever it was she needed to say...he could get to bed that much sooner.

He sat down at the table, his eyes falling on her purse. Whatever she had taken from his room...did she put it in her purse? The thought slipped in sudden, unbidden. You don't care – remember? Still, the compulsion to just ask her what it was pushed at his mind. Leave it alone. You don't need to know.

Rebecca brought the two cups to the table and set one before Noble. He instantly plucked up the tag of the tea bag and began bobbing it in the steaming water. “What did you want to talk about?” he murmured. A physical ache permeated his body, brought on by the stress of...fuck, his entire life.

“I want you to do something for me, Noble.” she said quietly, sliding a teaspoon around inside her cup, not looking at him.

“What?” His guts twisted tighter as his breath began to quicken.

The spoon clinked lightly against the edge of the cup before she laid it aside and lifted her eyes to him. “I want you to stop blaming yourself.”

A frown creased his brow. “Blaming myself...for what?”

“For whatever happened between you and Jonah.” She held up her hand quick when he started to speak, a shimmer of disgust in her eyes. “I don't...want details. Please.” She sighed heavily. “I don't blame you for it. Jonah obviously saw that you were vulnerable...and used it against you. You're the victim in this, Noble. And I understand that.” She reached across the table and took his hand. “I'm sorry for what I said at mom and dad's earlier today. I shouldn't have said those things.”

Noble stared at her, unsure how to feel; she was letting him off the hook for the things he'd done. It should give him a measure of relief. But...she was blaming Jonah? Regardless how he felt about it all now...he wasn't so stupid as to believe Jonah had manipulated him. What he'd done – he had done willingly...even eagerly. The reality of that caused a rush of guilt and shame to sweep through him, but it was still the truth.

“Rebecca,” he said low, soft. “You shouldn't blame Jonah. It wasn't just him-”

“Don't.” Rebecca cut him off quick. “Trust me, Noble. Now is not the time to be defending Jonah.”

“I wasn't. I was just saying-”

“And I said don't.” She released a pent up sigh. “You know, maybe rather than wasting breath coming to his defense...you could maybe use some of your breath to apologize to me.” He just looked at her, and she shook her head. “For kicking me out of your apartment. For...saying what you said when we were at mom and dad's.”

He frowned. “What did I...” I wish I fucking had! He had said straight up that he wished he and Jonah had...He shook his head. “I am sorry for that, Rebecca. I was just...stressed and angry. I didn't mean it.” Didn't you? Are you sure about that?

“I believe you, Noble.” But something behind her eyes said she didn't. “But I want you to promise me that you'll stay away from Jonah. You're taking positive action to better yourself...you don't need someone like him causing setbacks.” She gripped his hand firmly and held his eyes. “I know there is a part of you that surely thinks you have feelings for him, but...you don't, Noble. It's an illusion. A lie of the devil to draw you away into sin. He's good at playing head games with God's children, making you think you feel something you don't, then telling you that if you feel this way...how can it be wrong? It's been his game from the beginning of time.”

He nodded slowly. He knew it was true. The enemy never stopped assaulting God's people with lies and tricks. Was that really all Jonah was – a pawn of the devil to drown him in sin?

“The bible tells us 'Be sober, be vigilant, for your adversary, the devil, walks about, as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.'” She squeezed his hand tighter. “Noble, God tells us these things so we are aware, and can see the lies and tricks for what they are.” She took hold of his other hand. “Baby...you're not gay. Not really. No one is if they don't want to be. It's a lie and you're only...that way...if you believe the lie. And I understand that you need help distinguishing truth from lie right now, and that's what Jack Hayden will help you do.” Her eyes were soft as she gazed at him, pulled him in. “You will talk to him...won't you?”

Everything she said made sense. He knew the kind of games Satan played. And maybe that's truly what this whole thing with Jonah was – just one huge game.

And the winner's prize – Noble's soul.

“Yes.” he whispered thick as an unprecedented pain tightened his chest and he wanted to bury his head and cry. “I'll talk to him.”

He fought the tears that tried to well up. She's right. Nothing about Jonah was real. He was just bait...to lead you away from God.

 

.......................

 

That morning thirteen years ago when he'd had to walk into his son's room and tell him his best friend had taken his own life in sheer despair – a piece of Mason had broke right along with Jonah's heart. There was no contest – it was the most hellish day of his life. Losing Emily had been hard, but also expected. She had been sick for some time. But Patrick's death had been sudden, no time to prepare. Though Jonah had never voiced it aloud, Mason had known his son was in love with the boy.

And now – he was in love with another young man in a situation far too similar to Patrick's. And it was scaring the hell out of Jonah.

“You can't let them push him into that, dad.” Jonah had regained some control, but his fear and panic hovered right behind his eyes, and his voice retained the thickness of tears. “You can't go along with it just to...keep the peace.”

“I'm not.” Mason said softly. “But if Noble feels this is what he needs right now-”

“He doesn't.” Jonah interjected. “It isn't what he wants. Rebecca and others might try to convince him it is, but it isn't.”

Mason sighed. “How do you know?”

“Because...” Jonah rubbed his mouth and pressed his lips tight. “I asked him to...go home with me...for the weekend.” he said quietly, avoiding Mason's eyes – perhaps out of guilt for making propositions to his sister's fiance? “He said he couldn't. But then...a short while after you left...he sent me this.” Jonah opened his phone, looked up a text message then handed the cell to Mason.

He stared at the message, feeling a bit numb.

“I don't know how...he knew I was planning to leave sooner.” Jonah murmured.

Looking up, Mason said quietly, “I told him.” Was that why he had excused himself and went into the bathroom – to message Jonah? Mason recalled how...at peace...Noble had seemed when he'd come out of the bathroom. Was that why? Because he'd finally made his choice? “What happened?” he asked slowly. “Why didn't he go with you then?”

Anguish pinched Jonah's face. “I had...turned off my phone.” His lips tightened with a measure of anger. “I knew you would call and try to talk me out of leaving. So I...just turned off my cell.” He shook his head and stared at the floor. “I didn't get it until earlier this afternoon.”

“So...he thought you just left without him? Brushed him off?” The pieces were beginning to fit a little better now – the change in Noble from the time he'd left Mason's, and then returned that morning, confessing he was gay, seeking help to be healed. Just wanting to be rid of the very thing that made him love Jonah.

 

.......................

 

The purse glared at him, partially open, tempting him to just take a quick look.

Rebecca was in the bathroom and Noble sat motionless, staring numbly at the purse. His heart felt empty, cold. Jonah had just been a tool used to trick him...so the man's words meant nothing. Still, a tiny part of Noble urged him to look at the note.

His hand reached tentatively for the purse, his ears ringing with strain, listening for Rebecca's return. What are you doing? It doesn't matter if the note was from Jonah. He's just an illusion – none of it was real. Yet he couldn't stop the pounding of his heart as he pulled the purse closer and opened it fully, quickly scoping through the contents.

Disappointment punched at his gut when he couldn't find the note. It's better this way. Rebecca is trying to help you. She took the note away for your own good. A wisp of nausea tightened his stomach. Look at you – like an addict desperate for his next fix. You are sick.

Noble started to close up the purse, when he noticed a small, inside zipper, barely detectable on the inner lining. Leave it alone, dammit! But his fingertips were already sliding the zipper open. As soon as he looked inside the small compartment, he found the note. You will never get better if you keep playing with the very thing that's making you sick. Leave it be!

But the note was magnetic, pulling his fingers to the folded paper. He took it out and held it, heart racing wildly. “God, what am I doing?” he trembled. “Why can't I just...” But like the alcoholic holding a beer, or the addict with his drug...he couldn't put it down.

Shaking, listening intently for Rebecca, Noble slowly unfolded the note. His heart crawled into his throat, thumping hard, choking him. There's still time. Just close it up and put it back in her purse. You don't have to read it. Even as the inner voice was speaking – he was grabbing desperately onto each and every word placed on that paper for his eyes only.

 

 

Noble,

My phone was turned off. I didn't get your text until this morning then I came straight back. Baby, I'm so sorry I missed your message. Please don't let my stupid mistake cost us everything. I miss you so much it hurts, please call me...or just come home. I won't ever let you go again. Please, Noble, don't let this be the end. I need you, baby.

Love,

Jonah

 

 

Noble trembled and the words blurred, distorted before him. Love, Jonah. Noble swallowed tight and focused on that one word; Love.

“What are you doing?”

Noble jumped, the note crunching in his hand as his head snapped up, eyes wide. He hadn't heard Rebecca come back in. His eyes darted from her pinched face to the paper in his hand.

“Did you go through my purse?”She asked incredulously, approaching him. She looked at the note then held out her hand. “Give me the note, Noble. You don't need it.”

“Rebecca...” Noble whispered, his fingers tightening around the paper.

“Noble, we just talked about this.” she said. “This is all an illusion. What you think Jonah feels for you...it isn't real.” She took hold of his hands, tugging the note from his fingers and dropping it on the table. “You're not in love with him, Noble.” she said quietly, squeezing his hands in hers, gazing into his eyes. “You're in love with me. You're just confused right now, baby. Jonah made you think you were that way. If he truly cared for you, he would leave you alone and let you get better.” She kissed his hands. “But he doesn't. He's selfish, Noble. He just wants what he wants. He doesn't care about you.”

When he just stood motionless, eyes pooling as he stared blankly at the note on the table, Rebecca grabbed it and walked over to the sink. His eyes focused as she opened a small drawer and took out a book of matches.

“What're you doing?” His throat tightened and he moved towards her. “Rebecca, don't.”

“Why?” She looked at him, face tight, eyes glossy. “Why, Noble? Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? Is that what you want?” Her voice rose and she crushed the note in her hand and lit a match. Noble's chest tightened, his heart racing. “What was the message he was talking about, Noble? Are you fucking him behind my back?”

“Rebecca...stop.” he said quietly, tears rising.

“Is that what you want to be, Noble? A faggot? You would rather live in sin and burn in hell than...be with me?” When he didn't answer immediately, she set the match to the paper and dropped it in the sink.

“No!” He rushed forward but it was already consumed in flames.

“What do you care, Noble?” she cried. “It's just lies! Everything he says is a lie!”

Shaking his head, Noble gripped the edge of the sink, watching the last of the yellow paper disintegrate into black ash. Tears dripped off his face, splattering through the ashes.

“Maybe Jack can help you.” Rebecca whispered dully. “Because God knows...I can't.” She walked out and Noble let her go, unable to move, barely able to breathe as he stared down at the burned note.

He turned slowly and slid down the edge of the sink, sitting on the floor. His legs pulled up and he rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his arms.

God...I don't know what to do...I don't know what's right...what's wrong...who's lying...or who's telling me the truth. What do I do? Please help me.

 


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