The Seduction of Jonathan
Short Story by: j.d. davis757
Reads: 264 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 2
chapter 1
Submitted: April 10, 2023
© Copyright 2023 j.d. davis757. All rights reserved.
Comments
The issue of Tony in the story is a bit distracting for me, although the whole idea of an older woman seducing and controlling younger men is appealing.
Wed, April 12th, 2023 2:02pmWonderful and insightful feedback. Appreciate your views and perspectives. Needs major rewrite and I think the book idea is worth pursuing, thank you, you are most kind and thoughtful
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DampKitten
Josh, have you looked at how to create a book on this site? The reason I ask, you basically have three chapters of a book here. I would recommend a book as opposed to serial short stories on the same topic. Easier to follow.
Tue, April 11th, 2023 4:27amI would love to see more dialogue and less narrative. You have covered a ton of ground through narration just in one chapter alone. If you elaborated this short story, you could probably get five chapters out of it.
It's a fascinating situation, an older yet sexually alluring woman who somehow possess a rather large estate entices young men to rent on her property and incidentally provides them with a telescope in their rental, then parades around her mansion in the nude with the windows open! What an idea!
We do get misdirected a bit with this Toni (Tony) story, followed by all these vast numbers of sluts and trainees who get together for orgies. If you want to discuss Tony, why not start the story with him living in the guest house. Let's get through all that wild and wooly adventure first, then we will pick up Jonathin on the backside.
What I want to see you do is get into the details of day-to-day life with these characters as opposed to giving me a history lesson that is much more peripheral and much less enticing than an actual sex scene. Take off your wide-angle lenses and put this under a microscope. Give me conversation. Give me the moment-by-moment account of Jonathan's interactions. Make me live inside your creation.