Astronaut VS Caveman Part 1

Ever since boyhood I’ve dreamed of becoming an astronaut and I am a self-proclaimed space geek.  Growing up, I wanted to be the first kid from my hometown to bring back a moon rock.  Despite the fact that I am now an adult, I still secretly fantasize about being an astronaut.

If you’ve read some of my other writing, you know that I actually own and collect wearable-replica Apollo spacesuits.  The ultra-realistic replica suits in my collection were actually made for movie productions!  I won’t bore you with the specific details about the bulky bright-white spacesuits hanging in my closet, but I can tell you from first hand experience that you wouldn't want to be wearing one during a fight.  So, why on “Earth” would you be wearing a spacesuit during a fight?

A couple of weeks ago I was doing some research on the American space program when I came across a bizarre article titled “Caveman VS Astronaut- Who Would Win?”  The article described a strange but epic fight between cavemen and three spacesuited astronauts, and an opinion of what the outcome would be.  I’ll give you a hint, it didn’t end well for the poor astronauts!

As the article stated at the beginning, the topic of cavemen vs astronauts is really a debate about what’s better- the simple, primitive ways of our ancestors or the advanced and sophisticated lifestyle that we live today.  But then the article took a much more literal twist and discussed what would happen if astronauts landed on a distant planet, or even returned to Earth after somehow traveling back in time, to find it inhabited by cave people.  In the article, the astronauts are still in their spacesuits when they are discovered by the cavemen.  The ravenous cavemen attack the defenseless astronauts and the battle is over quickly.

The author of the article gives some rather strong opinions about why the cavemen would easily defeat their astronaut victims, and I can’t say I disagree.  He states that the cavemen are master survivalists and would be incredibly strong and tough as a result of their nomadic hunter/gatherer lifestyles.  The author also advises that the cavemen would have spears and clubs but that the helpless astronauts would be unarmed, which would be true since American astronauts have never carried weapons into space.  Historically, voyages into space have been peaceful, scientific endeavors.

After giving much praise to team caveman, the author switches gears and pretty much launches his own assault on the astronauts.  He describes how their cumbersome spacesuits would inhibit their abilities to fight back and that even if they tried to run away, the suits would prevent them from running very fast.  He adds that even if they managed to run away, their gleaming white suits would contrast vibrantly against the terrain so they wouldn’t be able to hide for long.  Any attempts at escape would be futile for the astronauts, according to him.

I can’t really disagree with his claims but I was wondering why he so strongly supported the cavemen; it’s as if he hated the astronauts and the way he described the battle was almost sadistic.  A link to the author’s profile was attached to his article and I curiously clicked on it.  It turns out the man is a beast and a neanderthal himself!

The author is quite literally a survival expert, adventurer and fitness junkie.  He has a vlog where he posts his instructional workout and survival videos and he goes out on all of his adventures barefoot, just like a caveman.  His physique is that of an athlete– incredibly ripped and strong but not gigantic like a bodybuilder, and the way he can move through the forest in his videos is incredible.  Professionally, he is an anthropologist and he geeks out on primitive living just like I geek out on space travel.  No wonder he was rooting for team caveman, he practically is one!

After reading about the author of the article I couldn’t help but realize that he and I were exact opposites, and that we would be perfect to role-play out such a scenario.  As a thin, clean-shaven white male in my upper-twenties I’d be perfect to play the role of an Apollo astronaut and of course, he would be the perfect caveman.  I began to wonder who would really win in a fight between a caveman and an astronaut; would the cavemen really win as the article suggested?  Or would the astronauts prevail?

I realized that role-playing this scenario would be a great way to put these questions to rest.  Not to mention, I became a little aroused by the idea of being ravaged by a beastly caveman.  No, I’m actually not gay and I’m married to an incredibly beautiful woman that I love more than life itself, but the thought of being overpowered by a much stronger man was strangely erotic to me.  The more I thought about what it would be like to be one of the poor astronauts getting snatched up and carried off to some deep dark cave by a muscular wildman, the more turned on I became.  I decided to email the author of the article and I rather bluntly asked if he would like to put his hypothesis to the test…much to my surprise, he responded with a resounding yes.