Ho... Fucking... Ho

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group


Rudolf the red nose reindeer plays merrily in the background.

"Pae-doh!, Pae-doh!"

What?!

"Look, just clear off will you?"

"You tried to touch my friend, you dirty old paedo!"

"No I didn't. What's all this about?"

"Has he been trying to interfere with you boys?" A concerned middle aged woman with grey hair and a bleached complexion, wearing an olive green parka with a Greenpeace badge on one sleeve and a Save the Children patch on the other, lowers herself to head height of the juvenile chavs a few yards away.

Where the fuck has she materialized from?

"Yes, he has Miss."

"No I fucking haven't!"

She straightens up swings round and thrusts her face in mine: "Men like you, well you're not even fit to be called a man, totally disgust me, abusing your position to fiddle with young innocent children..."

"Let me explain—"

I just see the handbag arcing towards me but too late to dodge it – the impact stuns me and sends me spinning to the deck. As my senses de-scramble I realize she is standing over me with her legs wide apart…

"I don't believe it, now the pervert's looking up my skirt!" she screams.

She attempts to kick me in the face but I manage to take most of the force out of the blow by turning away at the last second. I get to my feet but she starts to rain more blows down upon me…

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas…Bing Crosby croons in the background.

In desperation I head-butt her in the face. She staggers back with crimson blood pouring out of her nose before bringing up her hands to her head and collapsing to the ground.

"OI! You, you fucking bearded woman beater, I'm going to teach you a fucking lesson you won't fucking forget!"

"It's not what you think…"

He's a big fellow and just as he is about to chin me I pick up the Christmas tree to my left and ram it into his guts. He doubles up and I smash the tree over his head knocking him unconscious – a silver bauble flies off hitting an elderly lady in the cheek – but then notice that one of the original gang of kids is attempting to get his hand under my coat and pinch my wallet. I drop the tree then catch hold of his throat with both my hands. "You little cunt, I'll—"

"TAKE YOUR HANDS FROM AROUND THE BOY'S NECK. LET HIM GO AND THEN SPREADEAGLE YOURSELF ON THE FLOOR," The voice from behind the loudhailer commands.

It's the police. Thank God for that. I breathe a sigh of relief. "I don't think you understand exactly what has happ—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Through the blinding pain I see the twin wires of a Taser attached fang like to my chest. I'm thrashing around on the floor praying for the pain to subside, which it does after a few minutes. I do not notice that I have been cuffed until the copper lifts me to my feet. "You'd better come along quietly Sir."

I nod in a subdued manner. 

As I am led to the van aware of a hundred hostile eyes upon me I vow that I will never, never ever, agree to being Santa Claus in a department store again. Never.

Ho, Fucking, Ho!


Submitted: December 12, 2022

© Copyright 2023 Matt Triewly. All rights reserved.

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