Surrender to Despair

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Erotica  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group

A small snippet about forbidden love. Period piece. Definitely not modern. Male/Female. Looking for some feedback, but it’s not much to go off of. Ciao.




He looked at her from across the room, her stomach clenching in anticipation. His deep eyes called to her, lured her from concentration. 

“Well, well. I believe someone has finally peaked the interest of—

“Shut it.” She snapped, waving a hand at him. She broke his stare, her heart fluttering like a hummingbird. 

Dry. Her mouth was dry. She glanced around the table, grabbing onto the first glass she saw. The ice cold water coated her throat, even though it immediately dried again. Her eyes felt glazed over. It was impossible to concentrate.

All she can feel are his eyes, watching her. Boring a hole into her.

 Her chest heaved. She needed to get it together.

“ Are you alright?” Jameson whispered to her. She nodded, fanning herself. He didn’t need to see her completely lose her senses at a public dinner. 

Is it…”


 He was so stupid sometimes. He thought she was still hung up on the prince. He had denied her, although she could not blame him. She was obnoxious and neglectful on purpose. Because of him. To drive the prince away and get to the one she really wants. Him. The one whose attention she seemed to have finally, finally, grasped. 

If it hadn’t been for the night in the throne room, and the night in the garden, she ought to have completely forgotten about him without a worry. 


Shivers shot up her spine at the memory. Oh dear, this dinner was going to be much more difficult than she thought. 

“He won’t stop staring at you.” Jameson whispered to her again, his voice whining with envy. 

She sat up straighter, pulling her chin high. She knew he meant the prince.

She had to have wounded his pride in their budding relationship for her refusal to acknowledge his rank as anything more than you would some dust on a shelf. 

She had to have wounded the pride of almost half of the men here. 

It’s because they’re all boring. It was not her fault. Not really.

 Her corset pulled at her abdomen, aching. “I don’t think I could fit any more food. Do you think that they’ll have entertainment tonight, or shall we call it a night?” She addressed the whole table now, only the second time this night. 

It was because they were boring. Not her fault, not really. 

Jameson reached for her ear, whispering. “They’ve only just announced there will be dancing. You would have caught that if you had not been salivating over the royal table.”

 She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks.

“And that would be possibly the only time tonight you were not doing the exact same.” She shot at him. 

His brow arched in surprise. It was uncommon for her to retort, but sometimes others needed to know their place. 

Their plates were taken away, and the sound of laughter and conversation increased ten fold. 

It was overwhelming, so much so that the noise fell to the background, as she concentrated on his gaze. She felt all of the men looking at her as well. They always did. She didn’t particularly mind it either, as she was beautiful to their supposed standards. Whether she agreed was unimportant. It always was, when it came to a woman’s opinion. 

But him…his glances felt different. Meaningful. They stood, moving towards the music, and the drinks being passed about. 

It was always magical, this time of the night. The liquor loosened the lips of even the tightest people. Secrets were spilled to strangers, and strangers became friends. But, she couldn’t give in. Not to completion. The wine did not have the same effect as it usually did. 

She sipped, listening to the conversation flow. 

She caught his eye again. 

He was walking through the back edge of the crowd, one hand behind his back, his thumb brushing his bottom lip with leisure as he watched her. 

The corner of his mouth twitched up, undetectable to anyone but her. She rubbed her neck, feeling the flush reach her face and chest. 

“Is it true what they say? That you were to be wed to the prince? Yet you attend his engagement celebration. How…noble of you.” The stranger smiled at her with wicked eyes, it not quite reaching their eyes. She knew what they were insinuating. The rumors that she was attending without an invitation coursed through the kingdom in no time. It wasn’t true, of course. She had been invited. By who, she wasn’t sure. She had an idea, though she didn’t want to say. Based on the prince’s reaction to seeing her, he had not been the one. 

It was interesting that he would be here. But maybe it’s not surprising at all. He was just busy, or so she thought. Yes. Interesting. 

It was also interesting the way that he was watching her, after all this time.

He looked good. Strong. He had been sent away for many months. As a punishment to her, or to him, she didn’t know. Both. 

“I think the invitation extended was gracious, and I was glad to accept. I am so happy for the couple, and wish them nothing but the best.” She smiled, curtseying. “Now, if you’d excuse me.” She bowed her head, moving past them. She locked eyes with the prince, his eyes narrowing in concern.

Never anger. If he was capable at being angry with her, she had never seen it before.

It was sad, really. He had loved her, loved her in every way most would only dream of. But, it wasn’t enough. She had hurt him with her indifference, and yet he still cared. Even now, with his future wife next to him, his eyes remained trained on her. She gave a polite nod, fearing that looking too long would give her away. She turned from him and into the crowd. 

A heavy hand gripped onto hers, stilling her. She would know the texture of his skin if she were blind in a room full of men. Hot fingers imperceptibly tracing up the inside of her wrist, and forearm. She did not need to meet his eyes to know who it was. Instead she watched him from the corner of her eye, not wanting to give away their indecency. He leaned closer to her. Just enough that she could feel the soft fanning of his breath down her neck.

“You’re here.” 

She nodded once.

“Find me.” 

Her heart raced, sweat beading at the nape of her neck. It was hot in here. 

He didn’t say anything else, his fingers ghosting the inside of her palm as he placed something in it. She couldn’t look now, but she wanted to. As soon as he appeared, he was gone.

She looked around, making eye contact with the prince. 

He looked pained. His wife looked between them. 

She looked away, leaving before he had the opportunity to say anything. Or let his to be wife catch on. It was a mess, all of it. 

She rushed out of the hall, walking quickly down the steps. 

Where to go? Where to find him? She opened her palm, seeing a small pebble. She knew where it was from. 


Her shoes were loud on the stone path, her corset ever constricting. She needed him. Now. It had been months. 

The gardens were long, and complex to navigate. So much so, that they connected to the edge of the forest line. Just beyond that, was a small path. That small path that led to a small, circular formed lake. He was there. She was sure of it. No one went past the forest line. They said that it only contained terrors from your worst dreams. 

He said it was not true. That these people do not know what they speak of, and that the forest is beautiful. She believed him, because he’d shown her. The forest was majestic, and anyone who said different, was a liar. She knew it now too. 


The air was crisp, cooling her warm clothes. Bumps rose on her neck from her perspiration drying on her. The lake was not much farther, but it was much harder to find her way in the complete darkness so she could not be sure. 

A small light, glittered through the leaves setting her heart off like a rabbit. It always did when she was near him. As she approached, she saw it was a small candle, no larger than her finger. It was sitting in the dirt, next to the water. A neat pile of belongings next to it. She looked across the lake, the stars sitting in the reflection. It was beautiful, but she wasn’t looking for that. She was looking for him. 

“You’re going to get us in trouble, you know.” She called out, breathless.

She heard a soft thud from behind her. A warm hand grabbed her hand again, this time reaching to trace up her waist, breast, neck. His hand paused on her neck, moving to her collarbone. His fingers were replaced with fiery lips. Sending heat down her core, melting her. She gasped as his hand moved up to her jaw, tilting it to the side to meet his eyes. His eyes were always just barely iridescent in the dark. 

His lips met hers. Tender at first. Explosions erupted behind her eyelids, her chest feeling weightless. She turned in his arms to face him, her hands moving to cradle his face. The hair on it was scratchy, but not unpleasant. It made him look older, and that made her heart ache. 

“I’ve missed you.” She whispered into his lips. 

“And I, you.” His hands grasped at her shoulders, and hair, taking her in. His hands moved lower, caressing her every curve. Her head lolled back as he kissed her fervently, his head moving down her heaving chest. 

He pushed her against the nearby tree, flipping her around to undo her corset. His hands undid the ties with ease, turning her again to rip away her clothes. He whispered gentle words to her despite his deft hands. They slowed as they left to remove the remainder of his own clothing. 

His eyes never left her. 

He towered over her, the beads of sweat glistening on his toned body. She loved being on display for him. He made her feel beautiful. 

He pinched the bottom of her chin, moving his lips to her jaw, and her mouth. His tongue entranced her, taking long deliberate strokes in her mouth. He rubbed against her, the moisture beading at his tip, dragging it along her belly. She gasped, and he moaned into her mouth, his hand moving to her center. His fingers just brushed her. For such a large man, his hands were exceptionally gentle. White stars danced across her eyelids as his fingers circled her, rubbed all the right places. How was it that he knew her so well after so much time? Her knees almost gave away when he removed his hand. She threw her head back in frustration as she was positively aching at this point. 

“Shh.” His finger rose to her lips, brushing her bottom lip with his thumb. Her tongue darted across it, teasing. She watched as her favorite reaction appeared from him. His eyes turned dark and ravenous. For her, and only her. He took himself between her legs, wrapping them around his waist. She pulled him close, cradling his face once more as he entered her. Her warmth wrapped around him, his head falling onto her shoulder. She missed this more than anything. The closeness. The stolen moments that would not be available to either of them. Not together. A tear stung the outer edge of her eye. The pleasure mixing with her strange appreciative sadness. He shuttered against her. A soft sob escaped him. He was crying too. Her heart shattered. She wrapped her arms around him as tight as she could, holding him close. 

There were no words. No words for how the other felt. No words for what has happened. The great mess that they’ve created. 

They held each other in silence. The pleasure and love pulsing between them. She lifted his face, swiping at his damp hair. She brought her lips to his. Cautious, and open. He happily accepted, his tongue swiping her bottom lip. 

He moved inside her, pulling the attention once more to their unity. He did not stop until her legs were shaking, and it felt like every part of her was sitting upon a cloud. He stilled in her, leaking their fluids onto the forest floor. It was too much. To not see the other for an indefinite amount of time. There would never be enough time with him. They held one another, neither wanting to give up the moment. 

It wasn’t until her skin had grown numb from the cold that she decided to part with him to put on some of her clothing. It had been an hour or more, she guessed. They didn’t say anything. Couldn’t. What would be sufficient enough? She reached into the depths of her mind for the words. But she never did seem to have the right ones. Not for this sort of thing. She turned to him. He was dressed, his trousers undone, but up. He was staring at her. Just staring. Admiring, perhaps, but she didn’t want to ask. Whatever he was thinking would only pull her further into her despair. 

“I think about you everyday…” His voice was gentle, quiet. She moved closer, resting her head on his chest. His heart beat steady. In her thoughts, she willed it to never cease. Become eternal. “You are more beautiful than my mind could ever remember. It is a shame that I will never be able to capture how magnificent you are. I need perfect memories of you…” He trailed off. 

She clamped her eyes shut with fear that if they were open, the tears would come and never cease. This is what love was supposed to feel like. But is all the wanting what they were doomed to? This love felt like the morning sun on one's face, and the refreshing scent before it rains. Being torn away from it was to be dipped into frigid dark water from which you could not swim. 

She patted his cheek, his hair. He leaned forward, resting his forehead to her shoulder. He groaned into her neck, vibrating through her chest. 

“I can not…” She started, her voice fading. 

“Can't what?” He looked up at her, with sorrow filled eyes. So gentle, yet to others they looked fierce. 

“I can not bear that I have to leave you. Not again.” She whispered, the tears stuck in her throat painfully. She gulped, trying to push them away.

He was silent, his breathing steady and quiet. She thought perhaps he might’ve fallen asleep in the silence. Then he spoke, his voice grumbling into her. 

“He loves you very much, my brother. Surely I can talk to him. Perhaps he will understand after all this time. He is not a soulless man. Is he not?”

She shrugged, nodding. “I suppose. Although I fear that it will result in him sending you away again.” 

“There will always be that possibility. Regardless of him. You know this.” 

This was true. But still, he controlled where he was to be sent. It was all in the Prince’s hands.

“So then it’s settled. I’ll speak with him once more.”

She wanted to tell him no. To have the strength to resist his optimism. To do what the prince wanted them both to do.

“He could kill you.” 

“To have you I would die a thousand times over. Do not doubt that.”



Submitted: August 18, 2022

© Copyright 2023 R.Dylan.Writer. All rights reserved.

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Amy F. Turner

The descriptions were moving in the love and longing of the forbidden lovers. I wish there were more descriptions of the lover themselves. It was also not always clear who was speaking and whether the person she referred to was real or imagined. However, for shock value, if you described the two men with whom she had a difference of feeling, they may have been very similar and would have given away the plight of this romance to reveal why it is so forbidden. The prose is a breeze with a flow that is poetic. Really beautiful. I found I wanted more than this one moment for them and felt for them. Great job on that.

Sat, August 20th, 2022 1:31pm

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