Two brothers and their lustful ways [ a vampires affiar.]

DampKitten

Clark Kent...how funny. So, are they 6 or 7 feet tall? I think seven feet is a little more than I'm ready for. These book signings are hard work, and you never know when you'll run into a vampire (or two). I didn't think those guys were supposed to be out during the day. Is this a night signing?

Trixie

I like your story so far but I will make two suggestions. Before I do please note that I am an amateur and my suggestions only come from limited experience but I hope that I can help a fellow writer a little. So first although the font is pretty it makes it a little tough to read, especially those of us limited to phones only (and our old eyes) you might consider using a straight font versus a cursive look. Second a lot of your sentences read like a check list, “they did this, they did that, she did this …etc” consider turning two sentences into one, keep the action flowing, it feels broken up at the moment.

As an example of what I hope I’m trying to say, in the last paragraph you start with “she moaned. She clutched at both of them. She just kept drinking them in. She moaned and groaned” you might consider something like the following, “Her sweet moans filled the room as she drunk them in, clutching their firm skin with her nails.” Take a few of your action sentences and mix them with your description, it will keep the flow of the story together.

I think you have a very good rough draft, it’s important to get everything out of your head first then go back and tie up loose ends. You have a lot of good stuff in here.

I hope my comment helps but if you feel it doesn’t please feel free to delete, I am always reluctant to post criticism because I don’t want anyone to feel like they are doing something wrong but I also know that my writing has improved tremendously because someone took the time to point out where I could improve. I hope my comment helps. I have read your other stuff and see a lot of potential.

willnorman

This story has potential but while reading it, I wonder - are you working from an outline or just writing/typing it as it comes to you? The latter makes it difficult to keep a solid story line, especially if the reader can't see a plot of some kind developing.
But a story with vampires and sex - how can it get any better, right?