Featured Review on this writing by samnash
"She should have read the “shark alert” signs. Interesting tale of sadness well told."
Shark Beach
Not to return, she left her pail
Upon the glistening sand.
Then crashed into the mighty break,
With all its dazzling spray,
And heard her father's voice call out,
Then hastened back for shore, but riptide
Bound, she found herself beyond the
coral edges, where sharks will
Glide and paint the foam, far from those
Blind beach blankets. For seabirds circling
O're the fray, bore witness to
That summer's day.
Submitted: June 01, 2022
© Copyright 2022 Laird. All rights reserved.
Comments
A sad commentary on an all too possible fate!
Wed, June 1st, 2022 5:17pm
She should have read the “shark alert” signs. Interesting tale of sadness well told.
Sat, June 4th, 2022 9:14pm
Love your use of alliteration and your focus on the moment. I’m a fan of short poetry that’s direct and unexpected.
There’s a subtle hint about the artistry of carnivores. I’d like you to elaborate on the imagery of that.
Love your use of alliteration and your focus on the moment. I’m a fan of short poetry that’s direct and unexpected.
There’s a subtle hint about the artistry of carnivores. I’d like you to elaborate on the imagery of that.
Author
Reply
Thanks again, DampKitten. This is totally free verse. Just watching it develop. So I wrote this, originally for seals. You're correct about the artistry of carnivores. My exact point. Here's the initial effort, sticking to ten syllables per line, but then I saw more. Struggling in line four.
Abandoned lairs on pebbled shores, with tides
That threw a dazzling spray for mammal
Babes with parents strayed beyond the surf
To become the prey of gliding sharks that
Paint the foam. With seabirds, o're the fray.
Oh, I see that. Then you decided to move away from discovery channel and go to Jaws. My suggestion would be to elaborate on the ocean tapestry
Sun, June 5th, 2022 4:35am
Spyguy
A sad commentary on an all too possible fate!
Wed, June 1st, 2022 5:17pmAuthor
Reply
That'd be one way to ruin an otherwise promising day. Thank for reading, Spyguy!
Wed, June 1st, 2022 10:22am