THE TRAVELLING SALESMAN PART 3

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Mature Sex  |  House: Booksiesilk Classic Group

Featured Review on this writing by DampKitten

Jack sets off for work in fine fettle, and encounters a situation with a couple of old friends. He recalls his teenage angst and 'schoolboy errors'

 

 

 

ANOTHER MANIC MONDAY 

Jack Bruce woke up like he did every morning, his radio-alarm clock announcing the six oclock news

Jack Bruce woke up like he did every
morning, his radio-alarm clock announcing the six oclock news. He sat on the edge of his bed immediately. He stretched and tidied the bed before his shower. The smell of Lynx Africa on the other pillow was a little different to the way his own pillow smelled.

"Julie" He thought. "Her hair had such a sweet smell". Friday night and Saturday morning had left such pleasant memories. He didn't even realise he was smiling as he thought about her while he showered, cleaned his teeth and shaved.

As he checked himself out in front of the mirror applying his various preparations he pictured her wandering out of the shower on Saturday morning with her tousled wet hair.

He shook his head to shift the memory and got his clean clothes out. "Better take the washing bag to Mrs Mop" he thought out loud.

Mrs Mop was the lady who 'sorted out' his domestic needs She cleaned, tidied, washed and ironed. Of course he had to pay her very reasonable rates but it was so worth it. Twice a week she would come round, titivate and clean the apartment. She would also collect the dirty washing bag to take away and launder. She even put away the clean clothes that she returned, in all the right places.

Jack smiled to himself as he thought "she chose all the 'right places' not me" But it worked. The result was a living space that didn't scream "He has a wife". More like "I wonder if he's a bit autistic or gay even, so clean and tidy"

"Mrs Mopp" was the name of the cleaning company Toni Wilson ran. Toni was around thirty, immaculately turned out and very attractive. She had chosen the cleaning trade when she had her children, She could fit the job into her parental duties. Toni had two other young Mums working for her and they were both very efficient, but Jack insisted on Toni, she knew the place and had learned Jack's quirks and routines.

Jack had been in a relationship with Toni when he was much younger, and they remained good friends. He would have done anything for her, except give up other girls. He was devastated when she went down south to work for a while and they split up.

As Jack gathered the beautifully finished clothing from his (or were they Toni's) drawers and wardrobes he thought to himself "All she has to do is nod and I'd Marry her tomorrow"

Unfortunately for Jack, Toni is happily married to a very ordinary reliable bloke.

"Bang on time this morning" Jack thought as the BMW raced down the busy A19 towards this mornings 'Briefing'. He checked the time and thought he would pull into Ron Perry's truck stop for a Coffee and a sandwich. Not the Faux american 'OK Diner' but the cafe on the petrol station. Always a good meal, proper coffee, nice staff and usually an amusing chat with one of the other customers.

Always a good meal, proper coffee, nice staff and usually an amusing chat with one of the other customers

"Morning Sandra" he said to the over made up waitress, "Crocodile sandwich

please. I'm in a hurry so make it snappy" She smiled a twisted grimace and said "That was funny in 1995 when me Granda told us it Jack". Then she looked alert and said" Bacon, butter, tamarta sarse, large Americano is it?" Jack nodded and winked

"Dya nevva get sick of tellin the same joke every day Jack?" Sandra smiled at him

"Well it helps people remember my name Sandra, a bit like you and the suckies" Jack said grinning at her.

Sandra was around thirty and over stated in every way. She also appeared to collect lovebites around her neck, like a slutty fifteen year old. It got her the nickname 'Lovebite' from the regulars. Jack thought she liked the notoriety, but couldn't help thinking "you could look pretty hot if you made the right choices"

She stuck her pierced tongue out at him and set off through the tables "Usual for Jack the drug dealer" she called to the girl in the kitchen.

"Touche" Jack called out, "Ya couldn't afford to touche me she called back, laughing "

*****

Jack coasted into the office he was there by eight fifteen, well ahead of schedule for the Briefing at half past.

"Morning Janice, looking good, New shoes?" Jack asked as he walked past the
reception

"Yes Jack", Janice answered, blushing. "You always notice, don't you?"

"It would be rude not to notice someone as lovely as you Janice" came his corny reply.

The 'Team' were buzzing around the coffee machine, exaggerating their weekend exploits.

Carley came in and she looked away, Jack walked over to her and noticed a bruise on the side of her temple. "What did you walk into? " he asked, eyebrows raised. "You shouldn't put up with it you know." he said before she could lie. "His violence won't go away, - but you can."


Carley started to speak "Where could I go and he's promised it won't happen again and......."

Jack whispered in her ear, "You and the little lad need to get out. How many times has he promised to change this month? - Don't tell me" Jack continued assertively "I bet he's going to 'seek help for his anger'. - He won't Carley."

" - Come and live with me. - now there's an offer no woman could refuse" joked Jack, in an attempt to lighten the tone of the conversation.

"If only" Sighed Carley, the tears welling in her eyes. - "Little Olly would drive you mad anyway."

As the meeting was called to order.

"How does he always know what it's like for me" thought Carley, as she stared at Jack longingly.

As The Sales Manager was squaring his notes in front of him Jack spoke up to the group and said solemnly "Can I be the first one to congratulate Terry on topping the sales board last week"

Everyone spun their heads toward the board on the end wall and began to clap. "Terry had struggled last week, what a turn round!"

"Er Jack", said the Sales Manager "Terry was second on the board last week, you were top again!"

"Oh yes - so I was - but well done Terry great performance." Jack said with a puzzled look, "I hadn't noticed"

The reaction of the others varied from belly laughs to ironic OMGs, It was Jack's way of reminding the firm how good he was. He didn't see it as big headed, just irony.

As Jack picked up his workload and information sheets from Janice, Carley appeared from nowhere and linked his arm, pulling him through the doors to speak privately.

"Did you mean what you said?" She asked, sounding desperate

"About coming to live with me?" questioned Jack, aware of her delicate frame of mind.

"Just don't upset Mrs Mop" - You know where I live, best to phone first if you're moving in"

He actually meant it, but hoped he would never have to honour his promise.

Carley said "Oh thank you Jack, it's just nice that someone has my back", and she hugged his neck before scurrying back into the office.

As he set off in the BMW for Carlisle, Jack remembered a time when he was less aware of others feelings. When his crush, Mary, left school Jack was strangely lonely for female company.

His testosterone still raged and he hadn't realised that Mary had been a release valve for his pent up teenage sexual feelings. Although nothing serious had ever happened between them, she featured quite prominently in his attempts to satisfy his urges. And strangely in his dreams, where conveniently, Mary was much more attractive and much more 'accomodating'.

By the time he was in the fifth form at school, he had been out with quite a few girls, without realising that he was actually very popular, because of his good looks and caring attitude. In his quest to fulfill his unrequited lust for Mary he'd had little success in losing his V card. He was always too polite to ask. Oh if only he'd known what he knows now.

"Enid" Jack said out loud without realising why. He turned on his favourite radio station, Capital Radio, and his mind wizzed back to sixteen years old.

He heard her voice, smelled the perfume, tasted her lips and felt the soft smooth skin as they 'romped' on the settee at Jack's house. Parents out, siblings out, curtains shut two sweaty bodies and Enid moaning sweetly in his ear

Enid had responded to his initial caressing and even suggested that she should take off her blouse, 'because it was so hot'. She didnt object when he slipped his hand delicately inside her bra. She began breathing heavily and kissing him passionately as he rubbed her beautifully smooth flat stomach, She even loosened the zipper on the side of her skirt to allow his hand slip onto her panties, as he worked his way further down towards the object of his desires.

He was surprised to find her crotch was damp, and he wondered why, but she didnt seem to mind, so he made the decision to go for broke and began to tease his hand down inside those sacred panties. He was getting extremely aroused by everything and the two of them panted in unison. He almost came himself as he stroked the soft pubic hair under his fingers. Was this his big chance.

"Oh Jack you're driving me wild, I can't take much more, -Please pleeease" Enid gasped

Jack always the considerate gentleman stopped at once and said "I'm so sorry Enid, what's wrong" Of course she told ALL her friends.

Carlisle 3 Miles said the Signpost. Jack checked his Sat Nav.

PLAY DATE 

Jack Bruce Liked the Cumbrian customer calls, it was a reasonably easy drive through beautiful countryside. The outlets he was visiting were spaced out but not too far apart.- Carlisle, Keswick, Cockermouth, Workington, Whitehaven, Windermere Kendal, Lancaster and then Penrith.

Eight calls was too much for one day with the distance between them. This meant Jack could have a nice hotel stay overnight and possibly finish a bit early on Tuesday.

The route was basically a circle, and finished with a run across the A66.and A19 home. Of course he could always take a diversion if he had a bit of spare time!

First call was at eleven oclock with a local distributor in Carlisle, basically a warehouse supplying local stores and garages with medicines, remedies and cosmetics etc. Nothing much on the controlled list. Lynx, shampoos, paracetamol, cough mixture and the like. Apart from a couple of seasonal adjustments the order was more or less a repeat.

Jack did manage to get them to try a new range of medical appliances such as wrist and knee supports. Not a massive order but it would pay for a couple of nights out. As he left the office at around midday, the secretary/receptionist beamed a smile at him and said "come on Jack, I'm free for dinner now, take me to Whytes for coffee and a cake."

"Okey dokey" replied Jack with a wink. "Get your coat you've pulled"

Pam had known Jack since he started working for EMCAPS. She was always dressed fashionably and had a lovely personality. Jack wolf whistled as she took her coat from the rack and shouldered her bag.

As they wandered the short road to Whytes Cafe Bar, arm in arm. Jack asked "How's the old fella and the Grandkids Pam - How many now?"

Pam gave an infectious giggle "Bloody six" she said "They're like flippin rabbits my lot."

"Isn't it time you retired Pam," Jack inquired, "Enjoy them while your young enough and all that?"

"You mean start a new career as an unpaid babysitter?" Pam said indignantly " - you've got to be joking kidda"

Jack and Pam enjoyed theirSandwich and cake, good old expenses, then they left Whytes and went their separate ways.

An hour later Jack was doing his next calls in Keswick.  All very straightforward, a couple of local shops, and on to Cockermouth. Supplying a local chemist shop chain that had branches in Medical centres.

Jack was looking forward to his next call.

 

 

 


Submitted: January 11, 2022

© Copyright 2022 Graham Makem. All rights reserved.

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Comments

DampKitten

So, you're saying Jack had Enid essentially naked to himself in the house and had no idea what she was requesting by "Please"? Then she made it a headline?

He's damaged goods. Must have gotten over it for the most part, since women everywhere seem interested. How old is Pam? She has grandchildren. Seems a little beyond what Jack should be interested in from an intimate standpoint, but there are younger grandmas out there who look pretty good in their 50's.

You have such a series of women superficially mentioned here. There's Toni from the cleaning company who once had a relationship with Jack which we know little about...now she's married. There's Carley in an abusive relationship with a kid who needs a place to hide out, and clearly finds Jack an attractive option in many ways. There's Sandra at the sandwich shop who overdoes her makeup and likes to get hickeys.

Here's what I think (having made it to chapter 3)
I've learned that European readers have a bit different tastes from Americans, so I can't comment for everyone. From my perspective, the piece is too superficial. By now, I want to be digging deep into who Jack is exactly and what makes him tick. We need to slow down these salacious liaisons and linger a bit. Be superficial with the travel and the sales pit stops, but not with the meaningful interactions. Right now, I see everything you write having equivalent emphasis (if that makes sense).

You need to pick points of elaboration, spend time and energy and paragraphs on these. Being that this is an erotic site, I'd pick the female encounters. Elaborate to the point that you spend a single chapter on a single woman rather than a list of women that Jack meets as he carries on his day.

The reader would like to know about Toni. What was the relationship like when they were younger? Are there any hints that she might still be interested?

What happened when Enid blabbed to her friends about Jack's inexperience? Did she teach him a thing or two or leave him completely baffled?

Writing is like voyeurism. Every once in a while you pick up your telescope and magnify the view, spend some extra time, iron out some details. There are hills and valleys. You speed up. You slow down. This feels like a ride on a tour bus.

I think your dialogue is good, but we still need some depth. If Pam is a love interest, give me the superficial details in narrative, then give me some heat when the conversation gets interesting.

Jack is not an idiot. He understands perfectly what's going on with Carley, but his offer is almost half hearted. She grabs him to confirm that he's serious. A real man grabs her and has a heart to heart sit down - assuming he cares about her. Maybe I'm supposed to read into all this that Jack is a self centered overachieving narcissist who really cares nothing about anyone, but fancies himself as a player. Last chapter he was anointed as 'the other man' in a relationship. You will definitely want to go back to that.

Anyway...sorry...I can be an overzealous analyst at times.

Sat, January 22nd, 2022 9:52pm

Author
Reply

Ok Meg,
I love honest feedback and welcome it. Thanks for taking the time and thought to write such a thorough review of the story. The Travelling Salesman was originally written for my Facebook group which is predominantly older members from the North East of England. They're mostly members who used to like some of my work. I drew it all together in one private group and encouraged them to add their own work, offering to edit where necessary. They appreciate the attention to places, events, music and news of the eras I write about. Many of them are older and suffering chronic illness and disability. They ‘like’ everything I write and engage in comments and conversation about the characters as if they know them. They like happy endings. - Get the picture.

Many of the stories I have published on Booksie from the work I wrote for that group. Obviously the erotic passages have been spiced up considerably. The Travelling Salesman was originally released as about 20 shortish episodes twice a week. It was written as a companion/sequel to The Photograph Album. Sadly only one person in the group saw the link between them.

You are very good at spotting Jack’s weaknesses. His promiscuity (Which in the Booksie published story are too close together, I agree.) The twists to come are, I believe, surprising , shocking and enlightening. True encounters for the most part and leading to the conclusions you came to very early. I kept it thin on information, not really considering what people might want to read. I can never keep it concise once I get into details.

For example Toni the cleaning lady was someone I hung around with for a while, yes we had a sexual encounter, It started and finished with us remaining friends without benefits. It doesn't work - for me. I believe women are generally looking for something more. _(Waiting for your reactio) I did say Generally. LOL (She runs a domestic cleaning company now)

BTW Pam is like a surrogate mother figure who he can talk to about anything. The superficial flirting is Jack's default character. Enid never spoke to Steve again and for the rest of his time at school boys and girls would call out “Stevie you’re driving me crazy”

They say if you don’t capture a reader's attention in the first page, you won't. I think that may have been true for you, and if so tell me and elaborate on what is needed to improve it. Do I overdo the sexual parts, am I too explicit or too tame. Tell me please.

Thank you and now I'm going to read your story about the examination and fantasise about your offer to suck my dick.

Please continue to review what you read of mine and I will look forward to slipping into your window while you sleep in the darkened room. Or I could try to slip in the back way!

Graham xx

Sun, January 23rd, 2022 5:21am

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