The Intense Frivolity

RICKY CLARK was a vain, beanpole character actor in low budget horror, most notably a franchise entitled "The Haunted Circus." Seven of these had been made, they were theatrically released, and Ricky had made a name for himself.

Inexplicably, in between Haunted Circus 5 and Haunted Circus 6, Ricky made a film for Steven Spielberg and incredibly won an Oscar nomination.

No one was more surprised by this than Ricky's weary drug-addicted agent Reggie.

The day of Ricky's Oscar nomination announcement, Reggie went to Ricky's swank Brentwood mansion to congratulate him in person. Reggie knew that they'd do cocaine to celebrate, and Reggie also knew that the crass Ricky would greet him in an open bathrobe with Ricky's big dick and balls swinging in the wind. Reggie had gotten used to it, but he still thought it crude.

Ricky Clark: Reggie, this LEGITIMIZES ME. You have to get me a play. It doesn't have to be in New York. Do it HERE. I am OVER New York.

Reggie: Ricky, please close your robe. If you don't mind.

Ricky: I DO mind. Shut up. It's my house. Here, do a line.

Reggie: Oh, all right. Got any vodka?

Ricky poured his agent a glass of Stoli.

Reggie gulped it down.

A YEAR LATER

Ricky Clark did not win an Oscar and no one was surprised. Ricky was pissed about it.

On the phone to Reggie, Ricky screamed: "I TOLD YOU TO GET ME A LEGITIMATE FOLLOW-UP. They want me for fucking Haunted Circus 8. I am tired of Haunted Circus. Do your fucking job."

Reggie sighed.

ONE MONTH LATER AFTER THAT

Ricky and Reggie did more coke in Ricky's house. 

Reggie pulled out a script and showed it to Ricky, who again, wore an open bathrobe with his junk hanging out.

Ricky was beanpole thin with a big dick and low hangers. He had brown hair. He resembled Bob Denver mostly, but Ricky insisted he was "the reincarnation of Jim  Hutton or his son Timothy."

No, sorry. Reggie did not bother to remind Ricky Clark that Timothy Hutton was still alive.

Ricky Clark resembled Bob Denver or any random loud-mouthed scarecrow nerd. He had lucked out with the Haunted Circus franchise. Reggie knew that Ricky never got any serious dates. Ricky hit the L.A. clubs and hit on starlets with absolutely no success. He was taken a bit more seriously after his Oscar nomination, but for the most part, the industry thought Ricky Clark was an arrogant jerk.

Reggie did more lines than usual. He was deaiing with Ricky Clark, one of the most deluded clients he'd ever had. It would not have overtly disturbed Reggie if he received a phone call informing him that Ricky Clark had overdosed and died. Most of Hollywood would have similarly shrugged.

Ricky Clark thumbed through the script his agent had provided.  He mocked the title:

"The Intense Frivolity." Ricky smirked. "It's pretentious. I have done Shakespeare in New York. Who wrote this shit?"

Reggie gently reminded Ricky that he could always look at the title page of the script.

Ricky sneered. "JIMMY HORNY? He wrote this?"

Reggie reminded Ricky that Jimmy Horny had won two Emmys.

Ricky snorted, "Emmys. From SNL short films. Give me a break."

Reggie did more cocaine.

A WEEK OR SO LATER:

Ricky Clark berated his agent about "The Intense Frivolity" play. They were again in Ricky's house, by the pool. Both men wore swimsuits.

Ricky: There is a nude scene that goes on for almost twenty pages.

Reggie: I thought you would like that, since you're always wandering around here with your penis swaying in the wind.

Ricky: This is my house. I am not going to show off my body in a little theatre on Melrose. I am a serious actor. They asked me to show my ass in Haunted Circus 5, you know, and I said no.

Reggie recalled seeing Ricky's hairy ass as Ricky's bathrobe flew open off and on. No great loss for cinema, Reggie thought. Reggie was glad Ricky had on a bathing suit today.

But Reggie said, "Jimmy Horny is a good serious writer, whatever you might think. This would be a tough scene for any actor, and if you don't do it, they're thinking of Jake Gyllenhaal. Jake is not afraid of nudity, and he wants to do more stage." Some of that was a lie, but Reggie was worn out by Ricky right now and did not really care.

Ricky: "JAKE? They have offered this to JAKE?" Reggie smirked, because he knew Ricky Clark had never met Jake Gyllenhaal but idolized him.

Reggie replied: "Not yet, so you had better make up your mind, Ricky. I know Jake's agent sent him the play at Jimmy Horny's request."

Ricky snorted more coke. To be even compared to JAKE GYLLENHAAL! Ricky was realistic about his own physique, deep down. Women didn't beat down his door. In fact, they never returned his calls. Ricky was rail thin with no chest hair, but he had a really big dick and large balls. Ricky's ass was hairy. Jake was above all of this, thought Ricky, but Ricky remembered from certain films that Jake's ass seemed to be slightly hairy also.

Ricky said: "I did a minor nude scene in New York."

Reggie replied: "OK."

Ricky: I don't understand the play yet. There is so much dialogue in it. They never gave us so many lines in Haunted Circus.

Reggie (after doing another line): Don't worry about that. It's a good play and it will get attention. I admit it's strange. It's Jimmy Horny and Jimmy Horny is red hot. Word is, David Lynch wants to film it already. DAVID LYNCH, Ricky. Wake up. You said get you a play. I've gotten you a play. You are not known as a stage actor. Plays are different than low-budget slasher films.

Ricky: David Lynch, wow. (WHO WAS DAVID LYNCH RICKY THOUGHT.) But the nude scene requires me to simulate masturbation under a sheet to ejaculation. And this guy, Carl, is really an asshole. I've never played someone so nasty.

Reggie thought: Please. I have never heard Ricky utter so many big words in a sentence. But at least Ricky Clark kind of realized he would be playing a sociopath. Typecasting!

But Reggie said to his dumb client: Richard, I warned you about finding you a play. It would sell tickets if you had a nude scene in a play, that's just the way it is. Jimmy Horny is known for pushing boundaries. This is his first play. I am urging you to consider it seriously. The director is Anita Fox. She has FOUR Emmys, a Tony and an Oscar nomination herself. Ricky, I have to go to bed. I'll call you in the morning.

Reggie had a car waiting outside. THANK GOD.

Ricky: OK, Reg.

Ricky knew he had a good agent. He had taken him a long time to find one. And the Haunted Circus had bought him a house with a pool, so everyone FUCK OFF.

Ricky called up an actress he knew, they argued, Ricky hung up the phone, did another line, drank,  and masturbated. He wanted to get into character. It might be fun to act jerking off on stage. No one had ever asked Ricky Clark to jerk off for them. Ricky knew he had a big cock and large balls. RIcky Clark had been tormented and beaten up a few times in schools. But Ricky Clark had made it, he was in Haunted Circus movies which were always shown in drive-ins especially during COVID.

Ricky Clark especially cherished Haunted Circus 3 where he got to kiss a girl in a scene with his shirt off near a lake. Her name was Alice and Ricky recalled she bought him a turkey sandwich afterwards. Unfortunately, Alice died of an overdose a year later. This had bummed Ricky out to no end. He thought he might eventually marry Alice and have children with her. She had big breasts and always smelled like perfume. And she told Ricky in front of the crew, "You're such a good scene partner." NO ONE ever told Ricky that before or since. 

The crew filming Haunted Circus 3 had made fun of Ricky's physique, calling it scrawny. Ricky thought, WHO' S SCRAWNY NOW FUCKERS I HAVE AN OSCAR NOMINATION.

First thing tomorrow, Ricky Clark decided to google "David Lynch." Ricky had heard this name before somewhere.

Reggie got home in one piece and the next afternoon, he made his therapist appointment.

The first thing Reggie's therapist said to him was "You're high."

Reggie just sighed.

Jake Gyllenhaal called his agent and said: "You have GOT TO BE KIDDING. This Intense Frivolity script. I would have to be nude for thirty minutes. Do you know how long that is to be naked in front of people?"

Jake's agent: "I just thought you might want to at least read it. Jimmy Horny asked for you. And you've done nudity."

Jake G: In movies, yeah. But I cannot be naked on a stage in Los Angeles for a half hour. And Jimmy's kicker here is that is this guy Carl, who is overwhelmingly unpleasant,  jerks off under a sheet. I don't think I could simulate that with a straight face live. Because right after that Carl has to get up with simulated semen on his chest and go sit on a chair in the kitchen like a pig and berate my drunk girlfriend. THEN I have to go take a shower and walk back out wet and naked drying my hair with a towel. It's the definition of gratuitous. I admit this is flattering, but.....

Jake's agent: So I guess that is a no.

Jake G: Emphatically. Don't send me anything like this again. Send it to Ryan Reynolds, or my brother-in-law. Ryan likes showing off. But I'll thank Jimmy Horny myself. Can you get me some animation stuff? I am tired of shaving. Get me a musical cartoon. I want to sing and I'm also tired of working out all the time.

Jake's agent: On it.

Jake G: I'd do a musical on stage if I don't have to undress.

Jake's agent: I want you to do a stage musical. I'm on it.

The author of "The Intense Frivolity" is Jerry Barton aka Jimmy Horny. Jerry is handsome, single, 40, gay and alcoholic but well-loved. Jerry was doing rewrites as all of the above went down. He was in Manhattan, and it was cold and snowing outside.

Jerry fretted over Carl's long nude scene. Was it too much? Would any actor agree to do it?

It was Jerry's favorite scene in "The Intense Frivolity," and he did not want to make edits.

LATER THAT MONTH

Ricky Clark accepted the role in "The Intense Frivolity," despite major misgivings about the nude scene he'd have to do at the end of the first act.

Jerry Barton was not overjoyed with this casting. He said to Anita, the director, "he's Screech from Saved by the Bell. Who wants to see him naked?"

Anita told Jerry that Rick would sell tickets, and that Jerry would be surprised at who would like to see Ricky Clark naked.

"Not everyone is into body builders, Jerry," Anita admonished. "He has marquee value. And this role is a hard-sell, no one is touching it. The masturbation scene makes them run for the hills. Ricky Clark is willing to do it, as long as it is under the sheet."

Jerry frowned. "But he does know he has to simulate ejaculation with a prop, right? That is critical, because he makes his girlfriend lick it off his chest when he gets out of bed. It's part of her degradation."

Anita laughed. "We went through that with a fine-tooth comb. He has no problem being naked when he gets out of the bed and he is willing to use the prop."

Jerry looked at Ricky Clark's head-shot. He wasn't ugly. Jerry had seen him in the Spielberg picture and in certain angles, Ricky looked attractive in his own way. It might add something to have Carl portrayed by a nerd instead of a hunk.

"Very well," Jerry told Anita. "I'd like to meet him as soon as possible."

Anita told Jerry lunch had been scheduled for Friday. Jerry asked Anita if from now on, she would refer to him as Jimmy Horny. Anita agreed to do so.

FRIDAY

Lunch at Bertha's, a soul food restaurant in Los Angeles.

Participants: Jerry Barton (aka Jimmy Horny), Ricky Clark,  Anita Fox, and Reggie Wells (Ricky's agent).  

We'll call Jerry Jimmy Horny from now on.

Jimmy: So, Ricky, you have zero problem with the end of the first act.

Ricky: Yeah, yeah. What kind of prop will I be using?

Anita: Think of it as a glorified turkey baster thingy.

Reggie laughed. Ricky did not. He had a fucking Oscar nomination for a Spielberg picture. He also did not warm up to Anita at all. She had an arrogance about her. Jimmy Horny was OK; Ricky knew he had been drinking that morning.

Ricky decided to stress his clout. He said: "Who is the actress playing Mindy, the pathetic girlfriend?"

Anita announced, "We've auditioned several but we are leaning towards Candy Corne."

Candy Corne was a reality-TV celebrity who had appeared on "Real Housewives of Omaha."

Ricky had an affection for junk TV and he knew of Candy Corne. He snorted,

"She's not an actress."

Jimmy Horny: "Her audition blew me away. I want her."

Ricky was not pleased. Candy was a plump Black girl known for her loud mouth.

"Don't you think Candy is uh a bit forceful to play a pathetic heroin addict in love with me?"

Anita: "I will direct her to tone it down if need be. She loves Jimmy, she loves the play, and she and I hit it off. I want her too. She is willing to do it for next to nothing. She is huge on social media."

Ricky glared at Reggie, who'd just ordered yet another vodka.

"I just hope she is hygienic," Ricky spat.

Anita, who was also Black, took umbrage. "Now what the fuck does that mean, Mr. Clark?"

"Well, I have to kiss her, don't I?"

Anita sneered. "I know you don't have a lot of experience with that, I mean, in the horror movies, but rest assured, Miss Corne is a very presentable young lady." Anita hated Ricky Clark at this moment and dreaded working with him now.

Reggie told Ricky: "She'll bring in a crowd, Ricky. You have to consider that. This is a play, not Haunted Circus, not Spielberg."

Jimmy Horny: "She's in. She will be cast perfectly against type. I just decided. Anita, call her tonight."

Anita loved Jimmy Horny, so she said, "I will." She smirked at Ricky Clark.

Their lunch arrived. Ricky ate sullenly.

Wasn't Kristen Stewart interested in stage work? he wondered. Ricky sighed. He was surrounded by amateurs. All this, after working with Spielberg! Ricky had located the phone number of David Lynch's agent and placed a call on Monday. He was sure he'd hear something soon. For now, he focused on his macaroni and cheese.

ONE WEEK LATER

Ricky Clark and Candy Corne had met and they were now in rehearsal. They hated each other almost on sight.

This was a two-character play, Thank God, Anita Fox told herself over and over.

Candy Corne proved to be a very good and instinctive stage actress, every bit as polished as Ricky Clark, who lost no opportunity to inform Candy that he was "FAR more experienced and I have made several films."

Candy was not stupid and she knew what "films" Ricky had made. Horror junk and one Spielberg movie where had an admittedly choice role and had pulled it off. Candy was not impressed with Ricky Clark and she had no desire especially to see him naked on stage, or anywhere.

But today they were rehearsing the first act closer where Ricky WOULD be nude for about fifteen minutes after getting out of bed and simulating masturbation. Ricky would be wearing briefs for the rehearsal and frankly everyone was OK with that except Jimmy Horny who kept mumbling that he needed to see his "Carl" naked.

Writers are odd, Candy thought. Ricky Clark hasn't a muscle on him.

Ricky is "Carl". Candy is "Mindy." This is how the scene originally reads:

Carl is alone in the apartment, apparently nude on the bed under a sheet. He is pleasuring himself. He is moaning and getting close.

The door to the apartment opens and Mindy enters, forlornly. Both Carl and Mindy are struggling actors in New York.

Carl jumps. "Shit, Mindy. I thought you'd be gone all day." He continues to stroke himself because he knows MIndy thinks this is gross.

Mindy: The audition was a mess. The director hated me.

Carl laughed at her and stroked himself. "He hated you because you suck and you're fat."

Mindy went to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of booze from a cabinet. She poured herself a hefty one. Carl sneered. "That will solve everything and make you fatter. Why don't you just eat a couple of chickens?"

Mindy drank, trying to ignore Carl, who kept stroking himself under the sheet.

Mindy: Do you have to do that right now?

Carl: I thought you would be gone. Besides, you haven't been exactly sexy lately.

Mindy: I've been upset. You're so mean to me, Carl.

Carl got off on tormenting Mindy. He pulls down the sheet to expose his chest and ejaculates.

(This is where Ricky uses the "turkey baster").

Mindy: Oh, Carl, really.

Carl laughs, throws off the sheet, and walks over to Mindy, naked.

"Lick it off, bitch."

Mindy, No, Carl, NO.

Carl: "LICK IT OFF. NOW."

Mindy does as she is told.

(The fake semen is actually corn syrup and vanilla.)

Carl walks naked to the fridge and opens it. He pulls out a bottle of milk, sits down at the kitchen table, and drinks the entire bottle.

Carl: I am going to shower. Your breath is awful again today.

Mindy begins to weep.

Carl goes to the batthroom and a shower is turned on. Mindy continues to sit in her chair, weeping and drinking. Carl returns, naked, drying his hair. 

He sneers at Mindy. "Get out of here, I want privacy."

Mindy: "I have no money."

Carl: "Use your cards."

Mindy, defeated, leaves the apartment, sobbing.

Carl sighs and sits down nude at the table. He finds his phone and makes a call.

"Donna, you free tonight?"

This is where the scene ends.

Today is the first time the company has rehearsed this scene on a stage. Ricky insisted he be allowed to wear briefs until he was comfortable with "that corpulent bitch" looking at him naked. Anita is allowing this; she is no hurry to see Ricky naked. Jimmy Horny is agitated because he realizes the visual of Carl naked is pivotal to the scene.

The crew is not impressed with Ricky's scrawny physique. Ricky has a tan, but no muscle tone or body hair except under his arms. The lighting designer remarks to a gofer, "He plays nasty well enough, but I think he is probably miscast. Also, I hate his guts."

The rehearsal proceeds and Anita and Jimmy are for the most part satisfied. Afterwards, though, at Bertha's:

Ricky: Candy, can you please wear deodorant and brush your teeth occasionally?

Candy: Listen you prick. I always bathe and keep myself fresh. You just want to rile me. Why don't you go to a gym?

Ricky: Fuck off. I could ask you the same thing. We all know you eat five candy bars a day.

Anita: Please, can we just have dinner?

Jimmy Horny: And drinks. I need drinks.

Reggie: Me too.

Drinks and dinner arrive. The mood is sour overall.

In the ensuing days, Ricky and Candy became even more hostile to each other. Previews are due to begin. There would be only five of them. 

The first preview Ricky would have to be fully nude. He was nervous.

He said to Reggie: If I had a co-star I respected, this would be easier.

Reggie: You knew this day was coming.

Ricky: You are no help.

The preview went well, except for the fact that Ricky ad-libbed his lines where he insulted "Mindy." The ad-libs got big laughs, and Candy was livid.

When Ricky got out of the bed and was seen fully nude, no one said a word. Candy saw him naked for the first time and she had to suppress a laugh, although she was genuinely surprised at the size of Ricky's penis and balls. They were large. She was also startled to notice that Ricky's ass was so hairy, since the rest of him was not.

Candy knew Ricky enjoyed showing himself off, even though he had been jittery earlier that evening about the scene. Once he was out of the bed and the audience didn't laugh, Ricky strolled around with abandon.

But Candy heard an audience member whisper, "Ricky Clark is geek personified. I worked with him on Haunted Circus 3.  I can't believe he thinks anyone wants to see him in the nude like this. Look at that hairy ass. Someone should take him down a peg."

Wheels began to churn in Candy's head. That someone will be me, she thought, as she licked the vanilla syrup off Ricky Clark's naked scrawny chest.

OPENING NIGHT

Tickets have been selling quite briskly and tonight is sold out. There are critics in the house and a rumor that an A-list film director will be there as well. Someone has hinted strongly the director is either Paul Thomas Anderson, Quentin Tarantino, or David Fincher.

Ricky is agog about the A-list film director. No one can confirm who it is, for some reason.

Jimmy Horny is already drunk but he is functional. He is pleased that tickets have sold so well.

Anita and Candy and several crew members have decided to play a prank on the loathed Ricky Clark. It's a mean one, and it might backfire, which is why they have not included Jimmy Horny in their plans. They realize Jimmy might put a stop to their plans.

Anita rushes backstage to inform all that Jake Gyllenhaal is in the front row.

Ricky freaks out. Jake is going to see him naked. Ricky feels physically ill but says nothing because he knows Candy is smirking at him. In fact, she's been smirking at him for the past few days.

Before the scene begins, before the lights come up, Ricky, in the bed, naked under the sheet, cannot find the turkey baster. Instead he finds a small bottle of baby oil. Someone has fucked up, but the scene begins in seconds. Fuck. Heads will roll, thinks Ricky. I guess I'll improvise somehow.

The soon-to-be-infamous closing scene of the first act of "The Intense Frivolity":

Ricky is "Carl". Candy is "Mindy." This is how the opening night scene played out in front of Jake Gyllenhaal, the A-list film director, who turned out to be Quentin Tarantino, the critics, the crew, and the rest of the audience:

Carl is alone in the apartment, apparently nude on the bed under a sheet. He is pleasuring himself. He is moaning and getting close.

The door to the apartment opens and Mindy enters, forlornly. Both Carl and Mindy are struggling actors in New York.

Carl jumps. "Shit, Mindy. I thought you'd be gone all day." He continues to stroke himself because he knows MIndy thinks this is gross.

Mindy: The audition was a mess. The director hated me.

Carl laughed at her and stroked himself. "He hated you because you suck and you're fat. You also smell. You're just a fat untalented bitch."

Mindy went to the kitchen and pulled out a bottle of booze from a cabinet. She poured herself a hefty one. Carl sneered. "That will solve everything and make you fatter. Why don't you just eat a couple of chickens and a bucket of mashed potatoes? Oh wait, you had that for breakfast along with that box of donuts."

Mindy drank, trying to ignore Carl, who kept stroking himself under the sheet.

Mindy: Do you have to do that right now?

Carl: I thought you would be gone. Besides, you haven't been exactly sexy lately. You've been gaining weight by the hour. You have no self-respect.

Mindy: I've been upset. You're so mean to me, Carl.

Mindy walks over to the bed and yanks the sheet off Carl (Ricky Clark).

Carl (Ricky) is confused. And quite naked.

Ricky's thought process: That bitch. What do I do now? How do I simulate masturbation? It dawned on Ricky, hard, that he was now to do much more Than "simulate" masturbation. He was expected to masturbate, for real, naked, on this stage. Hence, the baby oil. They cannot expect this of me. NO WAY. EQUIITY...........).

Mindy: "Oh, Carl, really, just go ahead and finish yourself off. You've made me watch this filth before."

Carl RICKY angrily begins to masturbate. Ricky did not how else to get out of this dilemma. He heard the audience shift in their seats and titter. 

(Ricky thinks: I HAVE BEEN PUNK'D. I WILL GET REVENGE.)

(There are audience walkouts, but only a few. Jake Gyllenhaal texts his sister: Holy shit. I am watching an actor masturbate on stage, naked.)

(Ricky Clark is embarrassed but he amazingly finds himself getting hard with the aid of the baby oil. This will end his career if he doesn't play it correctly, so he decides to focus and just do it and play it for comedy. The play cannot proceed otherwise and there are A-listers watching him. Jake is watching him. What would Jake do?)

Jake thought to himself: This guy is an idiot. If you're gonna do a nude scene, go to a gym, man. And shave your ass. Jake texted his agen: I can see this guy's asshole. On stage. Do not offer me any more plays like this.

(Candy leers at Ricky Clark, naked on the bed, stroking himself with baby oil, his big balls heaving up and down. She cherishes the red-faced Ricky's embarrassment, the fact that he is beginning to perspire, and Candy notices that as Ricky masturbates he can't help but open his legs, wriggle his toes, tense up his legs, and writhe, which shows off his hairy ass. The lighting designer, as planned,  heightens the lights and this exposes Ricky Clark's anus, which delights certain audience members. Ricky is aware the lights have been turned up, and he grimaces with the awareness that this prank has been very well orchestrated.)

(A gay guy in the audience, very close to the stage, clandestinely takes cell phone photos, even though this is strictly forbidden. But this guy is a pro and no one stops him. The gay guy is happy because he is so close to Ricky Clark that he is getting Ricky's asshole on his phone, quite vividly.)

(Jimmy Horny watches and notes that since Ricky has no muscle tone anywhere, unless you're into beanpole, the only thing to focus on is Ricky Clark's large dick and balls, and, well, his exposed asshole. Jiimmy grants that Ricky's nipples are rather large for his torso.)

(Ricky: I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I'm doing this. I have an Oscar nomination. My fans are watching me jerk off nude. I can't believe I'm doing this. Jake is watching me jerk off naked. Jake Gyllenhall is looking at my rectum.  I can't believe I'm doing this. I am humiliated. I am humiliated. I can't believe I'm......)

(Ricky begins to groan, against his will. He ejaculates all over himself. He is red-faced and furious.)

(Jimmy thinks: he'll never do this 8 times a week.)

Jake G. leaves the theater.

Carl gets off the bed and walks over to Mindy, naked.

"Lick it off, bitch."

(Ricky: Fuck with me, cow? I don't think so. Lick up my cum.)

Mindy, No, Carl, NO.

(This is real semen, keep in mind.)

Carl: "LICK IT OFF. NOW."

Mindy refuses. and says, "You looked pathetic. You have no body. You have the body of an emaciated twelve-year-old boy who has never done any athletics. You have ugly nipples and an ugly hairy ass. Fuck you, Carl.".

Mindy storms out of the apartment to hearty audience applause. She drags the sheet with her.

(In his humiliation, Ricky Clark can barely remember his next stage move.)

But finally, after  Mindy's exit applause dies down, he does recall what he's supposed to do next. At this moment, he is naked on stage. It is time to get off stage and cover his nakedness, Ricky thinks.

Carl walks naked to the fridge and opens it, in a weird daze.

(Ricky decides: Fuck the milk, I am cutting the milk and I am cutting the shower.)

Carl (Ricky) closes the fridge. He sighs and sits down at the table. He finds his phone and makes a call.

"Donna, you free tonight?"

Blackout. The first act ends.

Backstage, there are multiple high-fives, and Jimmy Horny, who fled backstage after Ricky closed the fridge,  is drinking straight from the bottle along with Reggie. Candy and Anita are smoking a joint, laughing.

At least he closed the scene, Jimmy Horny laughed. Oh my God. He's going to kill us all.

Reggie: Let him. He's killed me many times already.

Got him good, girl, says Anita. Candy just grins and replies, this is really good weed.

Jimmy Horny: Share the wealth, ladies.

Candy shares the joint with her writer and director, and Reggie, who she likes very much.

Ricky Clark, red-faced and clad only in a towel, appears backstage, seething. He is mostly ignored, except by a gofer who notes that up close Ricky's body isn't that unattractive. Ricky Clark says nothing at first, but promptly goes to a rest room and throws up, and everyone outside the door laughs.

"I want the milk!" a sound guy shrieks in hysteria.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhh," says Anita. "We have a second act. I hope."

Ricky Clark continued to retch.

There were no standbys for Ricky Clark tonight. The understudy had "called in sick" but he had been paid.

The opening of the second act was a long monologue by Candy, so Anita crossed her fingers as her "leading man", who had just been tricked into masturbating naked on stage,  vomited a few feet away.

Actors, she groaned to herself.

But to everyone's surprise, Ricky Clark finished the second act without a hitch and got a standing ovation.

RIcky felt utterly humiliated.

The next day it was announced that Ricky Clark had to leave the production. His new understudy. a much more handsome and physically fit actor,took over and within a week was cast in a network sitcom. Ricky Clark raged at the injustice of it all.

Candy made it to Broadway and won a Tony for featurred actress.. She made a few films that went nowhere fast..

Ricky Clark shows up at Horror-Com conventions and that's about it. He lives in New Jersey with a rich girl named Cecily.

Once Ricky Clark ran into Jake Gyllenhaal in a Manhattan bar and Jake was sitting with a bucn of A-listers, among them Channing Tatum, Zendaya  and Jimmy Fallon.

Ricky did not approach them, as he from them heard these terms sprinkled with laughter: "intense frivolity, 'buck naked," "ten minutes at least, "shock," "big enough I guess, "all over himself," "it was the real deal, so that's the poor guy, hysterical." This group guffawed and guffawed and looked at Ricky Clark at the bar. Jimmy Fallon waved at him to join them.

Instead, Ricky slunk out in humiliation. The A-listers chuckled as he left the bar. "He should do Haunted Circus 10," one of them said.

The intense frivolity!

THE END